SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I agree, IT is either the A or your M. Going back and reading WH text, I found one that said he had "to do some crazy shit." I thought it refered to work stuff. Clearer head and less emotion on my part, it was a reference about OW. Made me sick. Hope you are able to relax and recharge wherever your feet land.

Based on >50 years of guy talk, the "IT" text exchange looks to me like WH's buddy reminding WH that his buddy has told him he needs to end the A and is asking if he is done it. WH is acknowledging he should end it, but hasn't.

For what it's worth.

I don't know if this was mentioned, but with some phone accounts copies of text messages can be forwarded from a cell phone to an e-mail account using the utility web site.

Hi TOC,

Your story is so sad. You are a very strong woman though. You inspire me.

I'm only 6 months here and everyone is wonderful, things are still raw for me. So sending hugs (((()))) to you.

I just wanted to add:

Well, TOC, the other thing "IT" could be is his plan to file for divorce, because he is in "lurvvve" with the girl, and has confided that to his buddy…

This was my thought too I'm afraid

Turn, while you are going to tell him how much you loved him, please ask yourself first: do you know who he really is? It is very difficult for all of us to admit that our special one is not that good as we used to think and see. I'm sure you know it deep down.

Reading your story, I've got an impression that you are the one more invested in these relationships. And I won't be surprised if this other woman was screwed through the same dating site that your wayward and you used to find each other.

In any case, good luck, dear lady.

Greed, entitlement, delusional...those are the words that come to my mind... Your WH had it all 'in you' but still wanted more, he thought he was getting away with it and thought he would end it before you found out...the shame is all on him....

everything that's done in the dark will come to light...

It's cruel the way you found out, be glad you did, if you had not found out it could have gone on for years....

Hang in there ((((((( lots of hugs))))))))

Turn.

I am only two months into this, but I feel like the majority of advice coming from everyone is saying punish him, screw him over, leave him. This may go against the grain, but I would consider slowing down a little to take some time to gather all of your thoughts and reconcile them with your feelings. I think it is just fine to file for divorce or at least get that started, but I would try not to let anger dictate your actions. What if you decide you want to try and work it out? I think you should close your accounts, take half the money and that, but you obviously don't have to decide right now whether you are divorcing him or going to try to work it out.

My situation is totally different, four young kids, small community, stay at home wife, who says she's remorseful, etc. But those are my reasons for potentially trying to work it out. I am sure inside you have at least a few reasons why you would want to work it out too. Don't totally discount all those. Try to stay open minded to your heart throughout this, which I know is very difficult. One advantage of getting the divorce filings started and separating financial accounts is that he will take you serious. At that point, if he continues the affair or does not seem remorseful, that will help you make your decision.

I feel so bad for you that this is the second time. So sorry. It's the worst thing ever. You do seem like a strong person.

SpokenFor:

Based on >50 years of guy talk, the "IT" text exchange looks to me like WH's buddy reminding WH that his buddy has told him he needs to end the A and is asking if he is done it. WH is acknowledging he should end it, but hasn't.

For what it's worth.

I'll go with that to keep my wits about me. Thank you for that. I'm trying to imagine why he would be filing for a divorce when he has been making big, long term plans with me (planning next year's trips, buying more toys, teaching me golf so I can golf with him) but I guess anything is possible. But still, I'm going with your perspective.

Words of Wisdom:

Turn, while you are going to tell him how much you loved him, please ask yourself first: do you know who he really is? It is very difficult for all of us to admit that our special one is not that good as we used to think and see. I'm sure you know it deep down.

It isn't about who he is. It is about who I am. It's true. I do/did love him and I want him to know that. I believe he knows that but I want to remind him that he had a woman who loved him, whether he was worthy of that or not. It's not to make him feel bad (well, maybe a wee bit) but about being my authentic self. I'm not changing who I am. I love openly, even when it comes with risk. That's who I am. I'm not begging him to love me back. I'm telling him how I feel/felt. That is all.

(((((((RoburCordis)))))))))):

TOC - you are my hero (heroine?). I wish I had the self control you have shown when you found out. I have read your story and I find myself getting stronger due to your strength and determination. Thank you for that, and good luck in a really shit situation!

Messages like yours and similar ones give me strength to keep moving. Thank you for taking the time to prop me up. You have no idea the strength it gives me. Thank you!

SI Family,

Time for an update. Sigh......

My WH is on his way to London. We actually chatted. He called me and I answered. Told me he was at the airport and looked forward to seeing me. Before that he had been texting me telling me he was getting ready - again asking me if I needed anything - did I need him to bring anything for me (trigger!), etc. Was like a kid jumping out of his skin who just found out he was going to Disneyland. Double sigh.....

I kept my cool. I took deep breaths. I focused. I stayed the course. I tried to sound as normal as humanly possible. I didn't break down even though I was shattered in a million pieces inside. When he asked me when I would get to London, I told him I was still working on it but was trying to be there around same time and would text or call him when he landed with the info. I told him to have a great flight. He told me he loved me and I said good-bye. I hung up the phone, I curled up in a fetal position and I cried harder than I ever have. I cried so hard my body is now sore.

I fell asleep out of sheer exhaustion and when I woke up, I picked up the phone and called my daughter, then my son and told them about my situation. They are shattered for me. My son is furious. My daughter is profoundly sad. Both respected him. My daughter is going to help me pack and my son wants to but is away at the moment. She is picking me up at the airport and is bringing moving boxes. She knows I'll be so tired when I get in so she says she'll get most of it done for me. She says my things can be stored at her house and garage until I find a place of my own and that I can stay as long as I want. My kids are amazing but mama is not going to cramp their style and I'll be moving into some place soon after I get back from wherever it is I am going.

She even offered to get there ahead of me and start it all but I really want to see our house again one more time before my things are packed up. I want to see if I can tell if things are out of place. See if I can feel the presence of another woman. Take one last look before it's never the same again. We merged our things together really well. I just want one last look.

I also called two of my close friends who do live in my town. Same reaction. Shock! Upset! Sad beyond belief for me. Feeling murderous towards him. Want to "cut the bitch" according to at least one of them. Freaked out I don't seem to care who she is but then remembered this is me. I'm always the level-headed one. That doesn't mean one of them didn't try to get every last detail from me so she could try to figure it out. She wanted to go Magnum PI for me and said she would have all the info by the time I got home. She at least made me laugh. I told her maybe later but for now, 'she' wasn't top of mind for me. I told them my plan and they gave me virtual high-fives over the phone. Called me a badass and told me to keep my head up. I have a feeling they'll be waiting when I get home. No doubt bottles of wine in hand. I then called my first friend I told and she cried with me and told me I was doing the right thing. I was doing what was best for me. She also reminded me that I don't have to make any final decisions now but no matter what, she was always by my side. She always had my back. God I love my friends.

I then called my attorney friend because she left a message while I was sleeping. She wants to meet me as soon as I can to go over the paperwork and get my approval. She asked me if I was sure. I told her I was. She said she can have him served whenever I say so. So I'm meeting her on Thursday afternoon.

I was going to also call my mom but this will break her heart. She is elderly, in a care home, somewhat forgetful but absolutely loved my WH. I figure I better do that one face to face. This one might hurt most of all.

And so I am ready. I am numb. I feel like a robot - just going through the motions, not feeling much of anything. Pack. Wash face. Brush teeth. Sleep. Wake up. Check out. Get to airport. Fly. Call husband. Tell husband it is over. Fly rest of way home. Pack belongings. Leave wedding rings on bar. Lock door. Drive away.

So how was your Tuesday?

[This message edited by TurnOtherCheek at 3:59 PM, September 20th (Tuesday)]

You are doing an admirable job of keeping it together. The moments when the tears flow are so painful but necessary as you deal with the loss of your marriage.

Your kids are awesome, hurt and angry for you while instantly offering support and love. Your friends are rallying to your side and you are ready to accept all that love. Your SI family are lining up to support and applaud your actions You are amazing and strong enough to get right on with your life.

Hoping the conversation with your WH goes as well as can be expected and sending support and hugs.

TOC,

If I were wearing a hat right now (I really should seeing as my hair is a hot fuckin mess) I would take it off for you.

**SLOW MUTHA EFFING CLAP*** I feel like that possesed chick on the Exorcist, my head is spinning so fast. I don't know you, but I am sooo proud of you!

Lots of 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌& #127997;🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽...

I am in Awe on how well you have handled all this and yourself. I went into "murder" mode when I JFO. Had to remove myself from killing WH, who wants murder charges anyway??

Your bitch of a WH is going to shit bricks very soon... He won't know what hit him. 😏😏

Hey TOC, best wishes as you get through this tough, tough time.

I want to make sure you understand: I believe your husband's buddy was asking whether your husband had ended the affair (A) and your husband was saying he had not (but that he needed to do that).

Your comment seemed to be about your husband filing for divorce, not ending the affair. I believe his friend has told him, and is now re-telling him, that your husband needs to end his affair.

Turn, you are an amazing woman! A pure piece of gold. Never mind how it unfolds, you have every single reason to be proud of yourself. I'm sure you will do very well in a long run, because you are awesome!

I would give you the tightest hug possible, and I'm sure you will have many of them from your wonderful friends and children.

[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 4:37 PM, September 20th (Tuesday)]

SpokenFor:

Hey TOC, best wishes as you get through this tough, tough time.

I want to make sure you understand: I believe your husband's buddy was asking whether your husband had ended the affair (A) and your husband was saying he had not (but that he needed to do that).

Your comment seemed to be about your husband filing for divorce, not ending the affair. I believe his friend has told him, and is now re-telling him, that your husband needs to end his affair.

Yes, I understand what you were saying and I was choosing to see it from your perspective. Others had mentioned they thought that text probably could mean my husband was planning to divorce me. I was kind of hoping that wasn't the case. That was just another punch to the gut but I guess I should brace myself just in case. I liked, felt better about, could live with your explanation. It brought me peace in this tumultuous shit storm brewing around me. I should have been clearer. Thank you!

Jlarson:

I am only two months into this, but I feel like the majority of advice coming from everyone is saying punish him, screw him over, leave him. This may go against the grain, but I would consider slowing down a little to take some time to gather all of your thoughts and reconcile them with your feelings.

I appreciate your comments and see your point. I had to chose a position, a game plan so to speak, so I could take action. After reading other stories and seeing outcomes, I decided keeping him off balance was my best chance of staying on top of this. I am choosing my destiny, not him. It's not for everyone, for sure. I have the benefit of being able to view this from the distance I have had since DDay. At first I thought HELL NO I was not going to be able to handle that but as it turns out, it was the best possible thing for me. Things would be way different if he and I had been in the house together this whole time. I am now thankful for the benefit of this forced separation. I might not feel that way tomorrow but today, I feel in control, as well as I can under the circumstances. I still feel sick, numb, profoundly sad, confused, angry but i do feel in control. I have to believe it's better than feeling all those things and out of control.

I also know I still have choices. He may take those away from me but I have decided I can live with that so chose this path.

Good luck to you. I hope you find the strength to get through your situation and come out stronger on the other side.

(((((hug))))))

((TOC))

I am SO sorry you are here. I wish you weren't. I wish none of us were here. I am sorry that your wonderful vacation is ruined. I can't imagine how much that must suck.

I wanted to just say a few things. My dday will be 2 years ago next month. I remember all to vividly how awful that was, and I have so much empathy for all the people just finding out.

I wanted to share my thoughts....for what they are worth. I was married 20 years when I had my dday. House full of kids. Infidelity was nothing I had ever dreamed I would experience. I was SO blindsided when I found out. He was my best friend and my confidant. Prior to Dday I always said that infidelity was a deal breaker. Period.

Then, it all changed when I found out. Suddenly, things weren't so black and white. My anger was fiery red though. My H had multiple A's. I thought I would die. But the one thing I knew is that I was strong enough to go through R should I decide to give him that chance. Like you, I knew I would make it......Somehow. The real question was, would he be along for the ride?

I guess what I am wanting to put out there (which probably won't make me very popular)is perhaps to not throw it all away for sure, but to allow him the chance to prove to you he's worth the risk. I would still agree with going through the whole D paperwork process. You can always back out, and it shows your H that you are serious and are not messing around. I wouldn't worry about the fog with him. The minute that man lands in London and discovers you are back in the states, he will know you mean business and he will literally be shocked back into reality.

My 2 cents is this. I was very, very happily married prior to Dday. These past 2 years have literally been hell. HELL. But, there has been something special come into my marriage that is almost sacred to me. Because we have stood at the precipice of hell and had to climb back out....together. He is a different man. I can see it. He is happier and healthier and free. Free from his double life and he longs to stay that way. I no longer panic that he is going to relapse because I see how much happier he is now that he is free from that stank of dumpster diving. (what he now refers to his past behavior)

I haven't shared my H infidelity with hardly anyone, because if we were to R, I didn't want other people to act weird around him and hate him etc. It was one of the gifts I gave him.

I am sure you will hear many people ask about why??? I sure did. Why did he stray when we were happy at home? The answer to that will never satisfy, but might help. Infidelity was his coping strategy because he was broken. He compartmentalized very well and hid his brokenness from me, but it was his coping strategy. The women that he was with were not anything special. It was never about them. It was always his issue. He told me that from day one. He told me there wasn't anything I had done, rather, this was all because he was broken and coped inappropriately. Now that he has been through IC and gone NC and been completely transparent and ALL the things a WS needs to do to prove they are safe, we are enjoying yet again a very happy marriage. I prefer this marriage to our "first" marriage because we have walked to through hell and back. We are still walking the path because it's such a hard thing.

The guy you married could very well still be there. This wasn't about you not being enough, this was about his poor coping strategies. Once the S*** hits the fan, I suspect he will drop her like a hot potatoe and never look back. I hope you consider you giving him the chance to fix his mess. And see what he does with that second chance. Many of us here have done just that and have moved on to continue to have happy marriages, ones that are actually better than the first go around.

Of course, when it comes to Infidelity, for some people it really is a deal breaker, and I would never judge anyone for that.

I've been following this thread, but haven't posted. I don't have any advice, just wanted to say stay strong and remember when you feel like falling apart, there are a whole bunch of people you'll never meet here to back you up and understand what you're going through.

Go kick some ass!

TurnOtherCheek, I have mad respect for your stregnth. I love how you are sticking to YOUR values, what is and isn't acceptable to you. My WH was forced to write out a timeline and pay for a poly to make sure his timeline was honest, and get tested for STD's. TT lasted about a month. He did pass the poly at least.

In hindsight, I am honestly disgusted with myself that I didn't just serve him. We have young kids and are financially dependent on each other. I hate my dependability. Just reading everything you have done is making me wonder if I should leave the WH all over again.

Keep posting, you are helping some of us so much.

TOC I did something similar to you and it was very effective in exploding whatever world my wife and her AP was living in.

I had a PI catch them, he told him to leave, and her to wait for my call. He called me and I waited 20 minutes and called her and told her that the AP was to be fired the next day and she had to go to the General Contactor to do it. I then told her I was leaving on a business trip which I had set up and would talk to her whenever or if ever I decided to come home. I then hung up.

I remained almost totally dark for 4 days and it was way more effective than any yelling or whatever I would have done if I came right home.

Good for you. This will give him plenty of time to think of what he is losing. It will explode his world. Good luck to you