SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Beware however. The quest for answers is often fruitless and fraught with risk.

Google "untangling the skein of fuckedupness".

It's hard enough to look into the abyss of a spouse fucking a co-worker.

I cannot imagine looking into the abyss of someone so utterly morally and ethically vacant as to fuck their own child's fiancé / fiancée - while cheating on the parent of that same child.

I'd have to go with "They're just fucked up beyond all reason and understanding," and walk the fuck away.

I hear what everyone is saying, but I still needed answers for my own sanity. His ability to answer my questions isn't going to impact my decision to divorce.

I emailed him a few questions and he responded within an hour, he didn't try to make excuses for himself. He said there is no explanation for hurting his family to this degree and he said he wasn't thinking at all. He never thought they would get caught and he didn't think it would last as long as it did. He said it was just sex, there's no emotional involvement. He claims he's not seeing her anymore, but who cares. He knows he's lost us.

He said this started last July when both my son and I were away for a weekend. She called him in the afternoon saying she wanted to use our pool. He said she showed up after dark with a bottle of wine. They drank the wine, went for a night swim and had sex in the pool. She stayed the night and they had sex several more times before she left the next day.

They would meet for sex two or three times a week during their lunch hours. They work nearby each other, he would pick her up and bring her back to our house. He said he never reached out to her, she was always making plans. There were also several days when they would call out sick from work and spend the day in motel rooms.

Your post is the reason people warn you of asking the WH, TT.

Unlikely this is what happened. If you are trying to make sense as to the WHY's, you might as well as her to...good luck. The best you will find is this; His lie, her lie, and somewhere in between, maybe what happened.

Real world, your Future daughter-IL, calls WH up with this idea, and you say to yourself, "Should be OK"...bullSh*t.

So he is telling you, it's her fault, I was innocent. As a BS, we all want to know the truth, to help us understand the WHY. Chances are we never get it; I know it sucks. I understand your need to know, but keep in mind this may lead to more frustration, and hurt.

BTW, I am also sorry for your son, he got shot right out of starting block, by someone he was suppose to trust. Be there for him, this is only the beginning.

He said he never reached out to her, she was always making plans.

But he went with it. My god, does he really think you're that gullible? Oh, well, that's ok...because he never initiated it (which is a lie, I'm sure, but I digress...)...so it's ok to screw your DIL. SMMFH.

I have seen this blameshifting to the OP so many times on SI it's textbook. Still not owning his shit.

You got the best answers you're going to get, though...at least you tried.

Hugs, honey...NC with him and heal.

I understand wanting answers. He may be telling the truth but he left out the part that he could have said no, he had plenty of times where he could have said "no, this is wrong." Also, he didn't decide this is wrong I should stop, he stopped because he got caught.

More hugs, NYGirl!!! How horrible it must have been to hear him describe the affair. I'm sure your husband is whitewashing it, but at least you have a few bare bones answers. What a pair of sickos! I know everyone is telling you that you won't get answers that help you, but sometimes you have to ask anyway, even when you know that there's no answer that will make any sense or ameliorate the utter devastation he caused.

How are you coping these days? It probably still feels surreal. Take care of yourself and son! Hugs, hugs, hugs to you both!

Bringing an OW to the marital home and having sex in the marital bed is the most disrespectful thing ever. I know you are divorcing him (good for you, by the way) but I would bet that this is not his first rodeo. He lost his wife, his son, his home, his reputation and who knows what else for something that didn't mean anything? I would say that both of them have the morals of a turnip but that would be disrespectful to turnips everywhere.

Just when I think I've heard it all, I read this. I'm horrified. Absolutely horrified. I'm so sorry for you and your son, truly.

Let's say that his story is true A normal PARENT would have said NO and would have immediately contacted their child and told what happened so they could dump their fiancé.

IMHO this is not something that he can come back from. He has not only messed up your life and your child's life. He has effectively become a persona non grata.

Hugs to you, your son and family.

[This message edited by Hopeful30 at 12:49 PM, November 10th (Thursday)]

I caught them in the act, so I get to live with that imagery for the rest of my life. I'm not putting much faith in his story, I'm sure there's some degree of truth to it but I knew he would position it that he was helpless in the situation. It felt like D-day again hearing the amount of time they were intimate. I had no idea anything was going on, not a suspicion.

NYgirl:

I can't imagine the pain you are in having actually witnessed the affair. You are sounding strong but I remember the feeling of being underwater and just trying to keep your head up and moving forward. I had three goals that I used as my mantra, hopefully they will work for you.

1. One foot in front of the other.

2. No self-doubt

3. Provide a loving home for my son.

There is a special place in hell for women like her and men like him. The sooner the better as far as I'm concerned.

I know you are experiencing the worst pain of your life right now. I would give anything ie. kidney, arm, eye to you if it would help you heal. Sadly that is going to take time. So please take care of yourself, allow yourself to be pissed, hurt, and angry. And for sure, seek out counseling if you need it. I know I would.

It's hard, but I make sure to eat every day, I'm able to sleep at night and I spend a lot of time with family and friends...I don't want to be alone. I'm also focused at work. I check in on my son every day, but he has his own life and I don't want to smother him. I know he's eating, is spending a lot of time with his friends and exercising a lot. I've told him to talk to me about anything and everything that is bothering him, but he said it's weird to talk about some of it with his mother (I get it). I said I would pay for counseling if he wants to speak to someone professionally, but he isn't ready for that yet.

What's hard for him is he bonded with my husband through exercise and now exercise is a way to work off his emotions. They completed an Ironman triathlon together, ran two marathons together and regularly went to the gym together.

I caught them in the act, so I get to live with that imagery for the rest of my life.

File it under "Things You Cannot Unsee."

And remember that going forward, you will continue to learn more things that you cannot unlearn. Only you can say when you've hit your limit, but I urge caution if you continue to dig.

Hi,

I too echo the advice for you to set up individual counselling for yourself IMMEDIATELY!

You need professional help in dealing with this level of betrayal&shock. Find someone with experience in infidelity and/or PTSD. That was paramount in bearing the pain and healing myself. This is a great thread on selecting a good IC - http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=544948 .

Also, read up on EMDR therapy, it might help you tremendously with the visual memory of them - http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=571247 .

Best wishes

I'm not going to ask much more, if at all. I'll never get the full truth. I wish I could unsee them together.

What did the fiancée's parents say to you?

[This message edited by ivehadit01 at 2:43 PM, November 10th (Thursday)]

Her mother was speechless when I told her and didn't want to believe it. I haven't heard from her since telling her and I have no desire to speak to her mother or anyone from her family again. My son's ex-fiancée's parents don't have a good marriage. It's obvious her husband doesn't respect her very much and she's put herself in a position where she relies on him for her financial well-being. I'm sure all of that has shaped my son's ex-fiancée as a person.

Wow, just WOW on so many levels.

First off, it is good that you thought out your questions before asking them. I know for myself, I would just blurt out questions while I was in a triggered state, and boy do I ever regret that.

It is also good that it sounds like you have had your base questions answered, and it sounds like you have come to the realization that more questions and more answers are painful. It is like finding out all over again. Since you have made the decision to divorce, the answers probably are not going to help you heal in this case. Distance from him and this is probably the best thing for you and your mental health.

It sounds like you have some awesome support, but I have not seen you say you have your own therapist yet. I see that there is a lot of us urging you to do so, and I am one of those people. Someone mentioned EMDR. I highly recommend it. My daughter has gone through some very serious trauma in her young life and has found EMDR to have really helped.

It sounds like you are amazingly strong. Definitively FAR from crazy - just normal in an abnormal and crappy situation.

I am glad you have been posting, as it seems others are glad as well. Yours was a very tough situation, and it seems like you are doing great ensuring you are getting the support and care you need.

I am also amazed that you are focused at work. That is terrific. All of these things are so important to keep moving forward.

[This message edited by DdV65 at 4:43 PM, November 11th (Friday)]

I'm not ready for counseling or any type of therapy at the moment, it's all still too new for me to open up to a complete stranger in real life about this disaster. I'm focused on work and spending time with family/friends because it's a distraction. I know it's not healthy to distract from really processing and dealing with the affair, but it's what I need right now to get through each day.

I really want to ask if he's cheated in the past, just to know if my entire marriage was a lie. Deep down I know the answer, but I want to hear him say it.