SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As far as the workplace knowing and thinking you are a fool I highly doubt it.

The one time I worked in a place where there was a similar situation going on, the other employees either didn't know or care. The four of us who knew certainly did not respect them and it was almost a workplace joke as they thought they were being so damn clever and expending alot of energy on their "secret affair" instead of the jobs at hand.

The vast majority of people will be on your side....

As things play out I think you have a good chance of R. Only if YOU want it, the first panicky reaction is to try save and repair the marriage. Take a breath and look at it from 1000 feet. If you feel it's worth saving and both devote all you can it'll work. If there's second thoughts and mistrust and half assed efforts or TT on her part it won't.

Hang in there.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 2:44 PM, January 11th (Wednesday)]

I'm going to agree with Mick, the waywards I've seen in real life at different jobs over the decades Are the ones that looked foolish or worse. I've never heard a bad word toward the betrayed.

That should not be what stops exposure or consideration pursuing R. If she confesses and is willing to fight for the marriage, no one will think less of you if you gave her a chance.

If they consummated their relationship, then it's much harder but if you read the threads, there are people that have forgiven MUCH worse.

She doesn't think she's having an affair. She thinks she is in love with two men and maybe we got married too early and that this dude could be her "soulmate".

Ok, if this is how she feels, there is NO WAY she is going to go NC with that guy and work on your marriage. She is trying to manipulate you once again.

The statement that she doesn't feel she is having an affair shows she has absolutely no remorse, and also shows she really doesn't give a damn about your feelings. Does she know you have read her emails? If she does, that is even worse.

There is nothing wrong with her mentally. The reason she has changed so much is because she has detached from you and is attaching herself to him. She is conforming to his life style, and tastes, and you will not recognize her anymore.

You are on the right track now. Detaching, separating joint accounts, meeting a lawyer and filing for divorce. This action will force her off the fence. If she runs to him, then so be it, your free from infidelity. If she dumps him and desperately tries to stay with you, if you still want her at that point, you can lay out what she must do to win you back. Stay strong brother.

Sometimes the best thing is to give them what they want…

I totally get it that you don’t want to divorce. Go read what Walloped posted about that.

I suggest you tell your wife that you don’t want to stand in the way of her happiness. If she’s finally met her soul-mate and if your marriage has been based on false pretenses, then you love her too much to want to prevent her finding happiness. It’s not what you want, you have been in this marriage 100% and would want to make it last forever. But if you aren’t her best friend, lover and soul-mate then it’s better she goes to the man she says is all of that and you move on. At least it opens an opportunity for YOU to eventually find someone that loves you.

Remove all obstacles for her to leave. Suggest that as OM is single she just move to his place now. You two can work out the details of divorce during the next couple of weeks. Should be simple: no kids, both working…

Hand her a phone and tell her to call OM to pick her up. Offer to leave the house for an hour while she they pack her stuff.

Once again: tell her it’s not what you want, but IT BEATS THE HELL out of being Plan B. Plus you love her and want the best for her.

Don’t do this as a threat. Do it gently and genuinely.

If she doesn’t accept the offer to go to OM then ask her how you are really supposed to proceed?

Ask her how you are supposed to feel assured she’s committed to the marriage?

Ask her how she can convince you she really wants to be with you?

Ask her why YOU should want to remain with her?

Infidelity is ALL about fantasy. Do the above and it becomes reality. Reality usually sucks.

As always Bigger has excellent advice. The only thing I would add is if she does choose to go be with the OM I would tell her there is no coming back. Once she is gone its for good. Never allow your self to be second.

C

Definitely.

If she does leave it’s over.

But wouldn’t it be over anyway if she decides to leave?

IMHO if she were to leave then the marriage is over anyway no matter what you want. If she leaves she does so because she wants to leave. You aren’t forcing her, you are simply making it easier for her IF what she says in the e-mails is true.

But chances are its infidelity-fog and your reality will clear it. I give you something like 9/10 odds she won’t leave and won’t take you up on your offer. I also think it would increase your odds of the affair ending at least double if you follow this advice.

I think a WW that “sacrifices” her affair is prone to remain in infidelity mentality. She keeps pining for her White Knight and dreams of riding unicorns into the sunset with him. If however she has to decide freely to end the affair, then all of a sudden the White Knight starts rusting.

If she chooses the other man she is dead to me. Her well being will be none of my concern and I'm not going to say "I'm not gonna stand in the way for your happiness, I wish you the best" I'm going to tell her to pack her stuff and leave or I'll expose everything to her friends and family. I could just be angry right now but I'm not sure. I just want to get the ball rolling and see how she reacts when I get her served.

She said she will stop talking to him completely in order to save our marriage, think she might know that I am planning my exit. If this is really over for me and she thinks this asshole is her soul mate than I'm done. Guess I really have no clue on what love is. She has told me whatever happens she would like nothing more than for us to be friends after this and remain close, yeah that's not going to happen.

[This message edited by manualgtr at 3:38 PM, January 11th (Wednesday)]

It is all fog talk - that "be friends" with you stuff sounds especially bad.

Hell man - tell her family TODAY.

Divorce papers and her family knowing she is breaking her vows could be some of that wake up call she needs to break down this cognitive dissonance/chemical high fog crap.

But yeah, if she leaves to be with him, that makes your decisions much easier.

By stopping talking to him, she means she is stopping talking to him in a way that you can find out.

If she's really willing to save the marriage she will have to leave her job.

I'm going to tell her to pack her stuff and leave or I'll expose everything to her friends and family.

OK. Is that an empty threat or are you going to do that?

So for you the marriage is over?

That’s OK. If that’s what you want then divorce is a perfectly good way out of infidelity.

But IF you have a wish to reconcile then don’t make empty threats. You can’t chain her into remaining married to you.

If you are intent on divorce then what makes you think exposure will be any sort of threat for her?

What is the point in another conversation with her and telling her how much he loves her? Look, brother, you already ask her to leave and she flatly refused to leave her home. She then asked you to leave and stay with your parents a while. She has looked you right in the eye and told you she doesn't feel guilty and doesn't even feel she is having an affair....why? Because she loves you both, which means she just told you.... SHE LOVES HIM!!!

You need to take action, not talk. Talking to her just gives her another opportunity to lie, gaslight, blame shift, say things to bring you more pain, and manipulate you. It would also just appear as weakness to her at this point. Be civil to her, but no discussions. After she is served with divorce papers, and you see which way she is going to go, then you can have a discussion about how to proceed, if you even care to.

She has told me whatever happens she would like nothing more than for us to be friends after this and remain close

I would tell her my friends don't treat me so badly.

[This message edited by beenthereinco at 3:46 PM, January 11th (Wednesday)]

Sometimes the best thing is to give them what they want…

I totally get it that you don’t want to divorce. Go read what Walloped posted about that.

I suggest you tell your wife that you don’t want to stand in the way of her happiness. If she’s finally met her soul-mate and if your marriage has been based on false pretenses, then you love her too much to want to prevent her finding happiness. It’s not what you want, you have been in this marriage 100% and would want to make it last forever. But if you aren’t her best friend, lover and soul-mate then it’s better she goes to the man she says is all of that and you move on. At least it opens an opportunity for YOU to eventually find someone that loves you.

Remove all obstacles for her to leave. Suggest that as OM is single she just move to his place now. You two can work out the details of divorce during the next couple of weeks. Should be simple: no kids, both working…

Hand her a phone and tell her to call OM to pick her up. Offer to leave the house for an hour while she they pack her stuff.

Once again: tell her it’s not what you want, but IT BEATS THE HELL out of being Plan B. Plus you love her and want the best for her.

Don’t do this as a threat. Do it gently and genuinely.

If she doesn’t accept the offer to go to OM then ask her how you are really supposed to proceed?

Ask her how you are supposed to feel assured she’s committed to the marriage?

Ask her how she can convince you she really wants to be with you?

Ask her why YOU should want to remain with her?

Infidelity is ALL about fantasy. Do the above and it becomes reality. Reality usually sucks.

do this - exactly! no threats of exposing, nothing, just simply file. why confuse it? she has made her decision

Well let me clarify my plan

1. I don't want to divorce but will if she chooses the other man.

2. I'm meeting with a lawyer tomorrow.

3. I wasn't planning to expose the affair but I will let my in laws know that it's over between me and their daughter and the reason why, (if she chooses the other man).

4. Get into individual counseling for myself.

She doesn't know I have read the texts, I took her phone while she was sleeping and used dr.fone. She has told me she doesn't know why she feels this way and it's not fair to either of us. She thinks "because they haven't been physical" it cannot be classified as an affair. She wants to go to MC tomorrow, I told her I can't because I have stuff to do(meeting with a lawyer). I will be civil with her throughout this but also cold and distant, I did the pick me dance when I first found out and won't do it again.

I don't have much advise to add that others have already provided. But, you are not alone in this. I too met my WW in High School and we were both our first. To realize my marriage was based on lies was very difficult to accept. Thankfully (I guess), my WW's A was over when I caught her and she immediately went into R, although the I did get nearly a year of TT.stay strong brother. This does get better no matter the outcome (R or D). As others said, expose the A and see how quickly it becomes real for her. So sorry you are here.

So basically you are going to react to how she decides…

Friend – It’s a very rare case where infidelity ends simply because it’s discovered.

Think OM will respect NC at work?

What is their work-relationship? Can your wife refuse to talk to him?

Frankly to me it sounds like she wants some time to decide whom to choose.

My suggestion makes her decide NOW whom she chooses. It forces the issue and gives YOU the power. You no longer have to wonder if she’s with OM, talking to OM or what. If she decides she wants the marriage then you are in a better place to demand she quit work (after all – that is the only way you can get NC), expose at work (depending on their work-relationship)…

I don't want to divorce but will if she chooses the other man.

For the time being, she has already chosen the OM. If she is going to be so reluctant to have NC with him, that means she will have feelings for him for a long time, that is no way to reconcile.

She thinks "because they haven't been physical" it cannot be classified as an affair.

The fact her lying to you about this is very unfair, by reading the texts, you already know it has been physical, and lying is very unfair.

You should continue to read the texts, but I am certain this has been physical.

When did they plan to meet at motels, during the day, take time off of work or when?

To be fair the plans to meet were mostly initiated by him. They were supposed to meet at a hotel on December 30th but she backed out and spent the night with me (we went out to her dinner, her idea) She told him she couldn't wait for them to have sex, but then makes no plans for it and says she doesn't know if she can do it while still married to me.

I have read all the texts last night and from the looks of it, it has not been physical but they have sexted and sent nude photos. She doesn't talk badly or anything bad about me. He seems to be the initiator in most of these conversations, she has also tried to end their relationship twice.

I am initiating the divorce because it will put the ball in my court, if she won't cut contact with him I will simply move forward with it and not look back. The only reason I am holding out just a little bit is because I do think she is very much in a fantasy land.

Are you prepared for what you will do if she says she wants to stay and work it out? You need to think about it. Stay on course. You're doing the right thing by filing either way.

If she leaves then of course. Screw it. Move on and be thankful she showed you who she really is now.

If she wants to stay, are you ready for that convo? What would it take for you to try and save this? If this is a dealbreaker for you don't even worry about it.

If you are willing to try you need to set some boundaries and conditions. These were mine you are welcome to steal, edit, whatever. Just an example.

He seems to be the initiator in most of these conversations, she has also tried to end their relationship twice.

If she wanted to end it so badly, then why did she just tell you it will be hard for her to have NC with this guy.

She has a lot of work to do to stay married after everything she has done.

I think at the least, if she wants to stay married, she needs to take a polygraph and answer several questions about the sex they had.