SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I read your post about how your wife was caught. Her begging the private I to not call you and howniy was a mistake, it really infuriated me. I hope it all goes well for you. A part of me that may not be a popular opinion but I hope you move on, it feels like no matter what happens her actions will always be there.

I watched the elephant man the other day and everyone gave him ugly looks (pre affair) and ones they got to see the real him. They pittied humans treated him like some fragile creature (post blow up).

She has been great, but frankly before where I was looking to spend time with her, I am back to not really caring. I know I need to work on that and hopefully it will come back.

I think I need some distance from this last episode

This is pretty much code for "I need more time to sweep this under the rug where it belongs". That's all you've been doing. That's what reconciliation has become to you - stuffing your emotions into a box and then swallowing them.

You can tell yourself that "time heals all wounds" but I swear to you that it doesn't. You are never going to forgive her for what she did to you. And you will never find peace of mind as long as you stay with her.

That's what reconciliation has become to you - stuffing your emotions into a box and then swallowing them.

You are never going to forgive her for what she did to you. And you will never find peace of mind as long as you stay with her.

IDK ... those sentences sound like mind-reading and predicting the future, not capabilities usually thought of in association with human beings.

I'm tired of walking on eggshells around here with regards to healing. This advice that I am going to say doesn't apply to the people in the first year after DDAY or there abouts. This applies to the people whose spouse has recommitted to them. Their spouse is trying to do right. They might fail sometimes (not cheating) because they are human, but overall they are becoming exactly the spouse you want. They may even have some trickle truth, but they are shedding their deceitful layers and are truly trying to serve you.

YOU are in control of your healing. YOU - not the WS. The WS can certainly help things out by listening non-defensively and always being transparent. That is a must. But ultimately it takes you deciding to heal. I am not even 2 years from DDAY and this no longer controls me, I never go down the rabbit hole anymore, I am 95% healed (if not more) and it is because of the following:

1) I remind myself of my current truth right now. I remind myself that this happened to me and isn't happening to me now. So I put it in perspective anytime it comes up. I remind myself that my current life is safe. Simply I don't dwell on the past, but acknowledge it as something that is shame, but that happened. People go through shit every single day and still persevere. My shit seems worse than their shit because I am going through it. There are people out there going through worse shit and they move on with their lives without it controlling them. Become a survivor. It is a choice and it is possible.

2) Draw a line in the sand. I know that there will always be some detail I can draw up that I haven't learned. There will always be some little thing that I forgot to ask during discovery and I can ask it now and then it will feel like trickle truth, right? But why? Why are you really doing that? I mean you might for a while, but it doesn't mean your spouse has deceived you. It might mean you hadn't asked that question before or in that detail. So at some point, you have to ask yourself why you are asking questions. What purpose do they serve. I'll be honest with you, my husband sometimes says why are we talking about this and it snaps me back to my reality. The details are fascinating in a sick, Jerry Springer kind of way. It's easy to get caught up asking details. At this point, my husband has told me enough details. I KNOW he is harboring secrets anymore and I know that he isn't reminiscing about the A. In fact it makes him sick. So when he says "why are we talking about this" I am good with dropping it. The OW doesn't deserve anymore time. With that said, my husband would entertain conversations if I asked him to. He just sees that I am starting down a path that isn't going to help me heal. It only sends me to a place that I don't need to go any longer. I am not rug sweeping. We've covered everything and it just doesn't need anymore attention. Or at least not rabbit hole attention.

3) Get off the fence. I mean it. Some people fence sit as a way to punish their spouse. Some just can't decide. But ultimately fence sitting makes YOUR life miserable. Fence sit in the beginning while you are accessing for sure, but there comes a time to make a decision. Otherwise your healing is delayed.

When you decide that you want to survive and not be a victim any longer, then you can heal. I think people think that they have to wait until they no longer feel like a victim, but that simply isn't the case. You can make a decision to become a survivor. We were victims. That is absolutely true. I am no longer a victim, but someone who can hold my head high and realize that I have overcome the hardest thing I have EVER been dealt. I have learned lessons that I might not have wanted to, but man do those lessons now help me to help other people in ways I never knew before. I have taken lemons and made lemonade. But that was a choice. Sure I could still wake up every morning and cry and go to bed every night and cry, but my life is so much more dynamic than that. I could dwell on the past and keep it alive. But that keeps me from what is going well in my current life. I have so much to be thankful for and to live for. I don't want to waste another minute. So I won't.

With all of that being said, if after a year or so my husband was not recommitting to me, I would have to move on (get off the fence) so that I could heal. Everyone's time frame is different, but the point is -- decide to become a survivor. Choose your future.

W3 you have an amazing mindset. I do think you are probably not the norm. I don't think that as much as I would like to, I could get to the peaceful place that you are

That said, I do realize I want her in my life and I have to move in the direction you are suggesting and even if I get part of the way there it hopefully will be enough to stay together.

Things have been improving. I have come to terms that I really never provided her a safe space to tell me about the meeting. She was terrified that if she told me, it would have been the last straw. She very well might have been right. It was stupid of her to go, but I guess I also understand she was not thinking clearly.

We are both working hard to going back to be a normal couple, doing normal things. We don't spend a lot of time talking about the affair, as that horse was well beaten. Can't say it isn't hanging in the background. I do know I have to be the one to tune it out. There really isn't anything she could do that she isn't doing

I do appreciate the kick in the ass! :)

I might have an amazing mindset and actually I think I do. I agree I'm not the norm - but that's when I disagree. You can get to where I am, you only have to choose it and follow the steps. It's that simple. You simply have to make the choice and stick with it. Of course I'm recommending that for people who are in a safe place. Not for people in the wake of DDAY.

I believe in you. I believe that this is possible. Try this week to do two things: 1) ask your self over and over if you would truly be happier without your wife ( when I asked myself this I felt it would be a tragedy if my husband and I split up) and 2) if the crazy thoughts come up - acknowledge them. Validate them as real feelings. Spend no more than 5 minutes dwelling on them and then focus on 1 thing - anything- that is perfect right now. For me it was my kids are content and awesome.

Practice that over and over abd tell me if at the end of the week if you don't feel just a little closer.

You have way more control than you think. Are you seriously going to let OM take that control away from you again?

WWTL

Happy for you, sir!

[This message edited by Taxi at 7:40 PM, April 2nd (Sunday)]

W3 - your words capture my mindset near perfectly. There just isn't anything good any more digging up the past. I have shared that with WWTL also.

A few months ago I decided to not only survive but thrive with my "new" life. My WW has fully committed to being a great spouse; I can't possibly imagine how any spouse can ever be better. It's been going very well since.

Bad thoughts do come up from time to time (couple times a week or so), but I have learned the mind techniques to squash them since there's nothing new and they don't do me any good going down the rabbit hole.

I wish you the best WWTL.

gee, i thought the WS committed to the marriage on the wedding day? so, just take them at their word now? how do you know what your current reality is when you've been lied to?

i actually found your post to be extremely condescending to those on the 2-5 year path, W3IRZ

[This message edited by sewardak at 1:06 PM, April 3rd (Monday)]

We are both working hard to going back to be a normal couple, doing normal things. We don't spend a lot of time talking about the affair, as that horse was well beaten. Can't say it isn't hanging in the background. I do know I have to be the one to tune it out. There really isn't anything she could do that she isn't doing.

This is very cool WWTL. I hope you get some more normal worked in there and you maybe finally get a chance to heal some.

I remind myself of my current truth right now. I remind myself that this happened to me and isn't happening to me now. So I put it in perspective anytime it comes up. I remind myself that my current life is safe. Simply I don't dwell on the past, but acknowledge it as something that is shame, but that happened. People go through shit every single day and still persevere. My shit seems worse than their shit because I am going through it. There are people out there going through worse shit and they move on with their lives without it controlling them. Become a survivor. It is a choice and it is possible.

Amen. W3IRZ I know you don't post as much as you used to, but it was your online thoughts from 4-5 months ago that have helped me a whole bunch. Thanks for that. Glad to see you still stop in to help folks still in pain.

If you truly want to reconcile go all in. Your wife has shown herself to be incredible weak and will need direction in what she needs to do to be a safe partner. You should also follow through with the polygraph as you don't want to be back in five years with yet more trickle truth (or finding out this isn't her first affair). It doesn't seem like from your posts that your wife has done much work on herself to see why she had this affair and to show it won't happen again.

I also disagree with this just being you digging up the past. You haven't been in R for six years you have been rugsweeping for the last six years. Don't make the mistake of rugsweeping again.

You aren't in the wake of a DDay but are in the wake of yet another TT. The one regarding the use of your marital bed you were aware of and wanted your WW to come clean on. She didn't for years. That doesn't constitute R. That constitutes some sort of endless limbo. As has been iterated many times in SI the clock gets reset. The new TT was totally new to you. The recovery from that may not follow the same course as a brand new DDay but does have a restart.

I find offensive the comments that if you just do what I did all will be well. There are many on SI that do not have such a defined path. All are of differing psychological and emotional characteristics. All have different circumstances. Cookie cutter solutions may hardly fit anyone. There is great wisdom in the theme that healing will take 2 to 5 years. Some of us may be on a longer plan. In the end, it is up to each of us to heal. That needs to be on our own time line as the grief stages get played out, re-wound and played out again.

WWTL, the path you follow is yours to decide. R or D is your choice and your life. As Fearless wrote, I don't consider finding out new previously unknown information digging in the past. If you are content with rugsweeping, which I don't feel you are, then beat down any need to follow up on any concerns.

I would suggest, just like Fearless, that you continue with the polygraph and that you need to have control of that process. My suggestion had been to have questions like whether your WW had any intimate action (touching, kissing, oral - receiving or providing - sex) with anyone else other than yourself or contractor guy. Another question might be is if she had any further intimate action with contractor guy other than has already been revealed.

Perhaps a poly will provide the assurance that she has now revealed all that there is to reveal. That may give you clearer direction on the path you wish to follow.

Whatever your decision, WWTL, I wish you the best with it.

I agree with some of what W3IRZ posted. What she doesn't mention is that doing R the way she has, resulted in her wh continuing the affair for six more months,while she played the Pick Me game. And if,at any time, my wh asked me...why are we still talking about this... I would assume he wasn't remorseful.

But...... She's happy. She says she trusts him completely. Her marriage is a good one. And while it's not the path I took...it worked out for her.

Confused- of course I didn't mention my whole story. My whole story wasn't necessary for choosing to become a survivor and not a victim. I would have chosen survivor regardless. Since you brought it up, though, let's remind everyone that my DDAY was brought on because my husband confessed and said he was leaving. Even if I demanded on that day or the days immediately following that day that he pick me or go, our marriage would have failed. I did what I needed to in order to save my marriage. I knew that the crap he was saying wouldn't have even made him happy. He thanks me all the time for not giving up on us. I wouldn't change a thing about it because it was through that that my husband and I got closer than most couples. Keep in mind that my husband and I were already close (except those two years).

As for him asking "Do you really want to talk about this" that is more for me than him. He would continue to talk about it, but he knows that sometimes I start to get stuck and caught up in this place where I can't stop asking questions and it just leads me to unnecessary sadness. He asks me to bring me back to the present. If my response was "yes I want to talk about it" then he would talk about it. With all that being said we still talk about it, but it's more weaved into our marriage. It's like talking about other events from our past. Usually it is talked about with very little sadness. It's more of fact that it happened. I rarely ever ask details. I know enough.

My story may be different than yours, but the steps I listed above could apply to anyone's story. It could apply to other trauma survivors- car crash victims, war victims, people who were abducted. My advice was to snap people out of the victim mindset and choose to be a survivor. And it is THAT simple.

speaking as a mom who's son has PTSD from serving in war, you really are underestimating trauma, W3IRZ. as if he could simply snap his fingers and be done with it.

you're assuming the same thing can happen to those suffering here. people just can't decide to get over something unless they've totally processed, healed and felt. it's a normal thing for traumatized victims to go over things in their head, asking questions, trying to make sense. to allow them their own way to do this is an act of mercy and grace.

W3, I really do appreciate your posts here. I did not feel in any way that they were out of line. Just you trying to help. That said, I know myself, and there is just no way I will be able to get where you and Pacifica are. And that will be ok.

This was the discussion in IC yesterday. Kind of in the vein of perfection is the enemy of good, the level that you have is a goal that is unattainable for me. To chase that will just lead to frustration. I know myself and I will never let this go.

I think I used this anology before. Our marriage now is like a white sofa that someone spilled a glass of red wine on. The stain will be there forever. It will fade over time, sometimes you might not notice it, but often you will. It's not like you can't still sit or nap on it, but it isn't something that is great anymore. It just has to be good enough

I think I can get our marriage to the same place. We can golf together, travel, anticipate weddings for our daughters. So we can find some joy together. But thrive? Not with this event hanging over me for the rest of my life.

Also, it wasn't the OM that caused me to lose control of this marriage. It was my wife.

My IC agrees with me. He doesn't think it is out of the question that I could get to the level you are, but agrees that if we don't that is okay too. I have figured out that I want her in my life, and if things get to the good enough stage, we can find some happiness together.

Life is choices. I am pretty sure the choice to be with her is better than being alone or someone else Not what it could have been, but better than the alternative.

I am not going to pursue the poly. I am convinced that I know everything. Just going to put this whole sordid thing behind me.

The bad thing about TT is that it occurs after they've been caught and are swearing that now they're telling the truth. Since you now know she was still lying, and has been for six years, how do you know what was truth and what wasn't? Any credibility she had regained in six years is now shot to hell. I'm sorry about that. That's a shitty position to put you in that you don't deserve.

I think I used this anology before. Our marriage now is like a white sofa that someone spilled a glass of red wine on. The stain will be there forever. It will fade over time, sometimes you might not notice it, but often you will. It's not like you can't still sit or nap on it, but it isn't something that is great anymore. It just has to be good enough.

I had seen you write that out before and so my wife and I had discussed it -- heck, your analogy even made it into one of our MC sessions. But I added in a couple bits to help my own take. And that for me, I realized the couch wasn't perfect before the wine stain -- wear and tear starts the moment it gets in the house. And the continued wear and tear blends in a bit with that horrible stain.

So for us, we flipped that cushion over. We know it is still there, we know it ain't perfect, but we turn stuff over and move on. It is still a helluva couch, just showing off its age at this point.

WWTL :

My DDay was 27 Dec 2014. I have spent all the time since then trying to figure it all out. Every new revelation or evidence made my life a misery. Her A's were a very long time ago so trying to get credible answers was very difficult.

I was getting just so angry and pissed off ALL THE F------G TIME.

It had to stop. I needed to accept and to move on.

There would always be some new, unexpected revelation that will send me down that hole. It was time to take a stand for my own sake.

One way for me, was to convince myself of 'the worst it can be'. I often worried whether 'they' did this or that, did it this way, or that way, here or there, whether 'he' was bigger or better etc etc..

So I made up my mind that if I could somehow accept things like that and stop worrying about them, then by accepting the worst ( ) , I could allow myself to move on.

So instead of thinking 'what if?' it became more about thinking 'probably was, so eff--g what?'

I endured enough 'mind fuck' during the A's.

At least now I was doing it to myself, knowingly, and for a positive outcome.

Like W3IRZ said (good post):

1) I remind myself of my current truth right now.

2) Draw a line in the sand.

3) Get off the fence.

None of this would have worked for me before. In the first 2 years since DDay I was just too upset. I had to accept, grieve, understand, and get the support from a responsive & remorseful WS.

That advice is working for me right now.

Strength to you WWTL!