Most Likely Redundant: I have been collectinging these as I see them in threads:
THE CHEATER'S MANUAL or
Crazy things you can't believe you're hearing
Listen carefully for the following statements:
"I love you, but I'm not 'in love' with you."
Trans: I'm all hot over a new piece of ass.
"I never meant to hurt you."
Trans: How the hell did you find out?
"We never had sex."
Trans: Because you have no real proof, right?
"They meant nothing to me."
Trans: I'm hoping this will mean nothing to you.
"If I wasn't happy I would have left you along time ago."
Trans. I'm gonna cheat on you as much as I can until you catch me and then I'll say "I don't know why I did it"
"We're just friends."
Trans: I am screwing somebody all the time.
"It didn't mean anything."
Trans.: I am a selfish lying bastard.
"It's over, I ended it."
Trans: Oh oh, now I am really fucked.
"Please stop asking me about it."
Trans: So I can keep it going as long as I want.
"You have to start trusting me sometime."
Trans: I really need to see the Other Woman - NOW!
"I felt unloved."
Trans: I have the biggest, neediest fucking ego of anyone in the world.
"This has been the darkest period of my life."
Trans: And MY feelings are SOOOO much more important than yours.
"She's really nice."
Trans: Oh god, please don't tell anyone I was in love with a prostitute!
"She liked me for a long time."
Trans: I am SO the shit!
"Face it, none of this would have happened if not for the OTHER problems around here."
Trans: There is NO WAY I am going be accountable for my actions. Never have been, never will be.
"You haven't come near me in a year."
Trans: I haven't come near YOU in a year.
"I KNEW you'd get a spy on me."
Trans: Your snooping is SOOO much worse than my cheating and lying. Alternatively: I hate that you outsmarted me.
"Let's try to work this out together."
Trans: But you do all the work, k sweetie?
"We can work this out"
Trans: It's no big deal to me and I'm basically over it, so why don't you just get over it too.
"I don't want to lose you"
Trans: I didn't know what you were really worth until you threatened to leave me- now I'm scared.
"I had a weak moment"
Trans: I give in very easily to sexual advances.
"I can change"
Trans: I don't really know what I mean by that, but it sounds good.
"I promise it won't happen again"
Trans: I broke a promise once already- but I think I mean it this time.
"She/He meant nothing to me, I don't even know his/her name!"
Trans: If it wasn't important to me, it shouldn't be so important to you.
"People make mistakes"
Trans: This mistake can easily be compared to other mistakes such as forgetting a birthday or mixing colors with whites in the laundry.
"Let's start over"
Trans: I'm out of excuses, so just forget about what I did and let's move on.
"I can earn your trust back!"
Trans: If by tomorrow you haven't given full trust back to me, I will be very upset at your snooping around and second guessing me all the time.
"His/Her name and any information about them isn't important"
Trans: I still care for them and don't want you to do anything to tick them off.
"Are YOU cheating on ME?"
Trans: I quite possibly have in the past or currently am cheating on you.
"We're just friends/co-workers"
Trans: who also happen to have amazing sex along with a deep emotional connection.
"I need YOU"
Trans: The possibilities of her/him staying with me are slim and I need somebody.
"I'm not sure how I feel about them. I don't know if I want to be with them or you"
Trans: I eat lots of cake. I'm a cake-eater. I want the excitement of them and the stability of you- so I am keeping you in a constant state of limbo so that I always have you to fall back on if this new thing doesn't end up working out. Think of yourself now as my backup plan, but don't complain about it.
"It's only happened (insert number higher than 5) times this year."
Trans: I'm either addicted to sex or have very low self esteem and quite possibly very little respect for you or myself.
"We used protection every time."
Trans: We should probably both get checked for STD's, Honey.
"Our relationship has been really rocky lately."
Trans: Working on this with you would require too much work on my part, so I went shopping for someone new instead.
"You never wanted to have sex anymore! You drove me to the other man/woman!"
Trans: I'm only concerned with myself and my needs, not yours in that department or have forgotten how to masturbate.
"Things are different since we started having children."
Trans: You couldn't get back to a size 3 one week after having our fourth child.
"You're so angry and sad all the time now."
Trans: I'm not supportive of the feelings you're having as a result of my betraying you.
"I needed some space- you were smothering me"
Trans: I'm immature and cannot handle the responsibilities of being an adult- My personal wants and needs are the only thing important to me at this time.
"I need time alone right now."
Trans: I need time alone with my lover. Don't bug us, it's rude. or: I need to see if it will work out with the OP. If not I can always crawl back to you.
"I feel so drawn to him/her." Trans: . . at the pelvis.
"You need to recognize how torn I feel." Trans: It's hard to juggle 2 people, stop pressuring me to uphold my wedding vows.
"You just have to trust me!"
Trans: Cuz I ain't never gonna tell you the truth.
"If you would have been a better wife I would have never done anything like that."
Trans: I am selfish and still would have done it, because I'm an ass.
"You are so paranoid!"
Trans: Don't pay close attention to me, you might catch me again.
"I won't call her again!"
Trans: I will erase each call from my cell so you won't know about it.
"I'll be back later."
Trans: Good night, you gullible fool.
"You were always so unsupportive of me."
Trans: You refused to turn your mind to "off" when something didn't add up, or was a bad idea.
"They weren't prostitutes. They were ESCORTS."
Trans: I'm so fucked in the head that I don't make any sense anymore. This should tell you everything you need to know."
"I never meant to hurt you."
Trans: I thought I was so careful that you would never find out.
"She doesn't mean anything to me, it was very impersonal."
Trans: My Lover thinks I'm going to leave you and be with her forever.
"I'm not leaving the children...I'm just leaving you."
Trans: ...as soon as I get the hell out of here you will be hard pressed to get me to see or even phone the kids...and as for child support ...I'll see you in court baby!
"You didn't pamper me enough."
Trans:..she gives a great BJ and I just have to lie there.
"I was lost"
Trans: I wanted to see how long I could get away with it without getting caught.
"It wasn't me"
Trans: I need some excuse for what I did.
"It didn't have anything to do with you or your personal appearance"
Trans: I was bored and tired of the same old piece of ass and needed something different and exciting.
"I am refocused, recommitted, reconnected, I've found levels of love I never knew existed before"
Trans: I knew this would KILL you so I figured it was better to lie. I took you for granted and now that I've been snitched on, I have to save my ass from being homeless, family-less, lifeless.
"But I was never leaving."
Trans: I was just going to screw her as often as possible.
"I blame you for my sex addiction."
Trans: I refuse Individual Counseling and know it must be SOMEBODY's fault. But not mine of course.
"Ask me anything you want to."
Trans: I am not going to volunteer anything you haven't figured out.
"What makes you think I am cheating on you this time?"
Trans: Oh shit, what do you know?
"I wanted to stop before you found out."
Trans: But I figured you were so dumb that you wouldn't ever get it.
"I'll do whatever it takes for however long it takes."
Trans: I'm outta here in 15 minutes.
"She's just a friend. I even know her husband. I never told you about them because I knew you'd be jealous."
Trans: Yep, I fucked her. And her husband watched.
"I swear I'm not out on the internet looking for anything."
Trans: I have a secret email address and a paid adultfriendfinder account. Check out my myspace page and my ads in "casual encounters" on craigslist.
"I am so tired from work - I didn't even get to eat lunch today."
Trans: Nope, ate pussy instead at the local motel.
"Those pictures of my dick in my cell phone are for you. You can see I sent them to my WORK cell phone. You can check."
Trans: I am soooo smart to send them to my work phone. Now you will never know where they went from there.
"Have I ever lied to you?"
Trans: Let's see how much you have figured out.
I don't know why you are upset that I told OW that I love her too when I say goodbye on the phone. I say that to all my good friends, even the guys at work know that I say this.
Trans: I call her from work so they know I say that to all my "good friends aka fuck buddies"
"If I didn't love you, you wouldn't be here."
Trans: You're here to work your ass off taking care of me and all my responsibilities are on your shoulders cause I'm too lazy to do it myself. If I could find some other idiot to take over, you'd be gone.)
"When do I have time to go see her. I'm with you 24/7."
Trans: except when I'm at work, then its play time at lunch time or anytime I can get a chance to go pick up auto parts, I can stop by for a quickie.
"She's non-judgemental."
Trans: It was ok with her for me to cheat.
"It was only supposed to be a dalliance. I didn't intend to get so emotionally involved."
Trans: Doesn't it make you feel better that she was only supposed to be a piece on the side? I can't help it if I fell in love with her. What do you expect me to do?
"I know the affair was wrong but our marriage was in trouble way before it started."
Trans: (1) There is no way in hell I’m taking the blame for this or being accountable for my actions; (2) I was justified to disregard your feelings and our family to get the sex and attention I needed on the side; (3) If I can convince you that you’re at fault, you’ll stop talking about it and I can go back to seeing my lover.
"I want to keep my family together. "
Trans: I am terrified of being on my own and will hang on to you if I can at all costs except being truthful, truly accountable and remorseful until I cheat again. If you decide to divorce, I will try to take you for everything I can because this really is all your fault.
"NOW I'm telling you the truth."
Trans: I'm still lying but I thought if I threw the word 'NOW' In there, it would fool you.
"But I was never leaving "
Trans: I was just going to screw her as often as possible.
"I'm afraid things will get complicated."
(Gee, Ya think?????????)
"I don't remember."
Trans: I'll pretend whatever just to save my sorry ass.
"I was scared"
Trans:.. You caught me and I'm so surprised I can't come up with anything better right now.
"I never would have left you"
Trans: I am a cakeman and having you and my fuck buddies works out great for me!
"She played me like a fiddle"
Trans: I am a helpless victim of a predatory woman.
"We didn't do it that often."
Trans: Not as often as I would have liked.
"I thought you didn't love me anymore."
Trans: I sabatoged our marriage so I could rationalize my affairs.
"She didn't get anything out of me but sex."
Trans: See, I'm smarter than you think.
"I never thought of her when I was home."
Trans: I never thought of YOU when I was away from home!
"It was a stupid mistake. it's in the past." Trans: I did what i really wanted to do but it was a bad mistake that you found out about it. so just deal with it.
"My feelings for her were not that strong."
Trans: I was in love with her and told her so.
about gifts - "I gave her what I gave everybody else."
Trans: She is special. I gave her expensive jewelry.
"She's a nice person."
Trans: She gave me undivided attention.
"She's non-judgmental."
Trans: She doesn't tell me i'm a screw-up. (Only because she doesn't know the kind of choices I've made.)
"I wanted her to end it on her own."
Trans: I was going to keep doing this as long as she let me.
"I 'thought' I loved her"
Trans: I felt this strange "high" when she called me "Superman".
"She was 'nice'."
Trans: She did whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, for as many years as I wanted, no matter how stupid she was for doing it.
"She made me feel good."
Trans: I fell for all the bullshit she said about how perfect I was.
"I was trying to help her." (with my penis).
"It was all just so flattering" (to my penis).
"I felt so bad afterwards " (when my penis was limp).
"I never intended to leave ." (just share my penis with someone else).
"I don't know why I did it." (ask my penis).
"You weren't meeting my needs."
Trans: SHE never said 'no' to me.
"I wanted to tell you/was going to tell you about it many times."
Trans: Not really, I knew it was wrong and if I told you the truth, you'd make me stop....I was having so much more fun with her.
"I broke it off with her to be with you."
Trans: You should be grateful that I will cheat on you again somewhere down the line.
"I never stopped loving you."
Trans: I have enough "love" to go around./ alternate: I don't love anyone but myself.
"She admired me for someone who made her happy."
Trans: She is so stupid she doesn't know how fucked up I am yet.
"She made me feel the way you haven't for a long time"
Trans: Unlike you,she is a low life slut who expects no respect, no commitment, and no responsibility from me in return. How dare you?!
"She admired me for someone who made her happy."
Trans: She has no clue how selfish I really am.
"She wanted our 20 year marriage."
Trans: I failed to mention I haven't been active in the marriage for the last ten years...
"You can't tell me who I can be friends with."
Trans: If I dump her, and you dump me, who is going to take care of me?
"you keep on making this just about yourself."
Trans: I am a Sociopathic Narcissist.
"I didn't want to lose you."
Trans: I will dick your life around as long as I can and lie, lie, lie to get what I want at your expense, STUPID.
"I did love her."
Trans: I don't know what love is, but I know saying it will get me some pussy.
"If I had known how much it would hurt you, I would never have had an affair."
Trans: I wonder how the hell you figured out I was having an affair.
"It's your fault I had the affair."
Trans: Yes, I know it's my fault but I cannot admit it to myself or to you.
"I have never loved you. I cannot remember why I married you."
Trans: I am so in love with my lover. He/she is my real soulmate.
"My Lover told me that you were a lucky man/woman."
Trans: My Lover wanted to get in my pants.
"You don't make a decision to start an affair; it just happens."
Trans: I cannot believe I got caught.
"We're just friends!"
Trans: So that makes it O.K!!
"You ruined it for me"
Trans: I got busted because she didn't know I was married.
"She always asked why I was not married, I avoided the topic"
Trans: She's a dumb bitch, she fell for the lies too.
"Please don't harass her, she is going thru enough with her Husband right now"-
Trans: Dumb bitch was looking for A and thought I was goining to be her sugar daddy.
"Please don't harass her, her H is abusive and she is in danger."-
Trans: My lover was looking for Affair and thought I was going to "rescue" her & WE would ride off into the sunset.
"She wants what you have."
(Um, that would be MY husband, MY life, MY house, MY friends...)
"I just thought it would fade away and eventually stop."
Trans:I drove 3 hours to make it happen. I never told her I was married.
"Are you going to wake up sad forever?"
Trans: Will you just get OVER this already?!
"Yeah, like I'm the only person who has ever cheated. Lose the Pollyanna outlook, babe."
Trans: I take comfort in knowing that other people are scumbags too and you are the minority, added with a twist of superiority.
"She would never have done this if she knew I was married."
Trans: So I conveniently never told her. Don't say mean things about my fuck buddies!
"I don't think I can love you the way you deserve to be loved."
Trans: I emotionally checked out of my marriage but never said anything because I thought it would worked itself out.
"She gave me attention that I wasn't getting from you."
Trans: It's all about me and always will be.
"You did not support me"
Trans: You were too busy taking care of the house and kids to give me the attention I needed.
"You invaded my privacy."
Trans: I did not hide it good enough.
"I was tired of sitting around the house and not doing anything."
Trans: I did not want the responsibility of the house and the kids.
"She could talk to me."
Trans: She could talk dirty to me and send me dirty pictures.
"Don't blame her, it's all my fault."
Trans; She liked my dick and I liked her vagina (It's in an e-mail they sent each other!)
After I went on a rampage calling her up, harassing her and telling her husband my Wh said to me
"Leave her alone she's scared shitless."
Trans. Keep bothering her because we will be more careful and fuck each other more than you'll ever know!
"I don't know how we're gonna be able to have a successful marriage with you always wondering what I'm doing or watching me every waking minute."
Trans. I can only keep track of so many lies and secret e-mail addresses, so maybe I need to get out of this "Horrible" marriage.
"You called her? What did she say?"
Trans: - I know what SHE told me but...yikes...maybe she lied???
"there was just something about her..." ( what, a vagina? That's special )
"You were never happy." Trans: This is a lame ass excuse for my stupid ass behavior.
"I am gonna work so hard to make this up to you."(Yeah, that's why we're divorced buddy.)
"I am so afraid we're going to be like my parents." (Again, lame excuse.)
"I need some space"Trans: (...between her legs?)
"She listens to me and is there for me."
Trans: I call her 15 times a day on my cell and tell her things I have NEVER told you in 28 years of marriage. Instead of reading, watching the game, sleeping in a chair, I have conversations with her.
"She is a lot of fun."
Trans: She is also an alcoholic and has broken up four marriages. She KNOWS how to be a HO.
"I had to go back to her. When I called it off, she threatened to call you."
Trans: I can't stop lying!!!
“OW was like a daughter to me!”
Trans: I hope BW doesn’t find out about the $38K I’ve spent on Other Womans “education” in the past 9-months b/c I’m just good guy not a sugardaddy who paid too much for pussy.
"I never loved her"
Trans: I may have said it, but I didn't mean it. I only meant I loved the sex.
"I was only a hard dick to her." (Yeah, that's why she said she loved you, missed you, wanted to be with you forever in her letter.)
"I never trusted her. I used to leave my phone and wallet in the truck."
Trans: Ok, not with your money, but you trusted her enough to have unprotected sex?
"Sometimes in life, you have to throw out the good with the bad" (WS said as he was leaving me)
Trans: Yeah, I'm leaving you without warning, but you're a great person..really!
"I don't know who I am"
Trans: But I'm going to find out with her, not you.
"I don't know."
Trans: I am the only one that knows but why give you more ammo?
"I don't remember."
Trans: Of course I remember but telling you wouldn't help me out any, now would it?
"I swear to you there is no one else."
Trans: No one except the Other Woman that is..but she doesn't count, right?
"I'm so sorry that things turned out this way."
Trans: I am in no way accepting responsibility for my actions, so let's just chalk it up to an unfortunate event beyond my control...
"My friendship is there for you if you need it."
Trans: And with friends like me, who needs enemies??
"Our marriage wouldn't have worked out anyway."
Trans: See, the affair was inevitable! This excuse is handy proof!
"Our marriage problems have nothing to do with my girlfriend."
Trans: I take no responsiblity for my poor choices and actions.
"I was never going to leave you for her."
Trans: I was going to keep it going as long as I could and you didn't find out.
"She's not like that."
Trans: Don't shatter my illusion of the Other Woman by telling me the truth about what a slut she really is.
"I don't know how I feel about her."
Trans: I am scared shitless to tell you how I really feel, that WE were in-love and I didnt think twice about you or the kids.
"I felt like our marriage was already over."
Trans: I don't love you because I am fucking someone else.
"I was lonely."
Trans: So instead of coming home to be with my family I took time away from you to fuck someone else behind your back.
"She needed me."
Trans: To buy her jewelry, cards, flowers, a car, and to pay her various other expenses.
"Her Husband was abusive."
Trans: And I am her knight in shining armour...and you don't need me, you can take care of yourself.
"I was NEVER physically attracted to her at all! "
Trans: So it shouldn't bother you.
"I never had sexual relations with that woman!"
Trans: If it worked for Bill Clinton, it should work for me.
"She is a LESBIAN--she doesn't even like men!!"
Trans: So it was really wasn't like having sex with a woman that I could get emotionally involved with.
"I am not leaving the kids, I am just leaving the marriage."
Trans: I am so thinking of only myself, that this justification sounds believable.
"I never wanted to hurt you."
Trans: I knew it would hurt you but I didn't care.
