SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I do believe you however can request a printout from your boss on the work usuage of the cell phone. So you can see the numbers called and when. I know it might be a tad embarrassing for someone to ask but most companies I am sure will provide this to their employees if asked for it. Just what someone had printed on here before..

Oh I'm sure I could, but I'm positive that my wife couldn't get it if she wanted to check up on me; same situation CO is in with that.

Sorry, but all I have is a 2 x 4.

Every one of us has power to do evil. Just because we have that power doesn't mean we have to act on it. If we did, it would only prove that WE have a serious problem.

Put that thought out of your mind, and take the high road.

You're doing great so far. Keep the focus on A related issues, so you can get your W out of the fog and back to being the woman you used to know.

[This message edited by HurtButHopeful? at 3:32 PM, April 9th (Saturday)]

Chopping, I am sending you a PM with a couple of links of alternatives for the home phone to putting a VAR in the house.

The other thing is that she stands to lose ALOT by having this exposed. Our D has been her LIFE since she was born, no question. She is highly regarded in her field, which requires a high degree of ethics/integrity. She is VERY much affected by how her family perceives her (controlling parents, etc.). She wants outward appearances of our family to be pristine, whatever the cost. Exposing a PE would shatter all of this, and more. She would VERY, VERY MUCH not want this to be public knowledge

Well, that explains how careful she is.

Anyway, you have seen the smoke. The question now is how big the fire is not if there is a fire or not.

Went to the lab today. It's out of my hands now. They said 5 to 8 business days.

It's gonna be an agonizing wait.

..hey CO..

for what it's worth, you've got lots of supporters here who will be waiting with you!

..try to relax for a while and not stress out..give yourself some down time from all of the inner-turmoil you've been suffering.

smy

Ya know Onions....take a step back and take a look at yourself dude. Jesus wept. I mean really...took your wife's panties to a lab?!

I been holding my tongue and hardly come here anymore, but your story caught my eye so here comes the 2X4.

You are NOT a detective. Don't pretend to be one or it will CONSUME you. There will NEVER be enough "evidence". Even a full blown confession will leave HOURS/DAYS/MONTHS of unanswered questions that will eat you alive.

Think your wife is cheating? From the emails it seems something is going on. Call the other man and ask him EXACTLY where he gets off talking to your wife like that. Hang up the phone and ask your wife WTF is going on? It doesn't matter why, where, how...all that matters is that it STOPS.

Fuck all this Columbo bullshit...seriously. Stop worrying about your wife's life and START worrying about your own and your relationship with your daughter.

Ya, you love her...but guess what? Ya...guess what...

If you really don't want to confront right now...then my advice is to GO BACK TO WORK. Tell your wife things are going to be different and she isn't going to have YOU as a personal assistant anymore. Its ridiculous. Believe me...I KNOW. Get your daughter in daycare and hire a cleaning service. Take control of YOUR life and stop fixated on your wife's dirty laundry.

Sometimes the Lion has to ROAR. Nut up.

Sometimes the Lion has to ROAR. Nut up.

Dude, I read your profile. Seriously?

[This message edited by palerider at 10:06 PM, April 8th (Friday)]

If I knew then what I know now...

Thanks for reading. That was 5 years ago. I managed to save my marriage ( or a reasonable facsimile thereof) and it only cost me my nuts...sac and all.

Three kids now btw...two are mine..:)

We survive on a day to day basis mostly revolving around the kids and the fact her career has gone into orbit, the history we have and the love we have for eachother.

You see..love is a choice. Just like trust. You can CHOOSE.

I'm not stupid anymore and she knows it...now.

So I tell ya what...why not stfu and not call ME out. I been through enough and I'll be damned if I sit here and let Onions go through the same.

[This message edited by Shadowboxer at 10:14 PM, April 8th (Friday)]

Shadowboxer, I don't think chopping is playing PI here. He is getting his ducks in a row to attack this from two fronts. The evidence is to prevent the gaslighting that will be inevitable, and to have leverage to blow up the affair. Due to distance, taking the time to get things in order will not result in any more damage. When he acts, the A will be a very uncomfortable place for his wife, not the exciting fantasy refuge from life that it is now.

I want to apologize. I swung that 2X4 way too hard.

At this point however, I'm more worried about Chopping Onions than either his wife, or her alleged affair.

I made mistakes, but the Teacher suffers so the student doesn't have to.

Regardless, this will come down to one thing. When all the investigation is over, all the secrets revealed, all the tears have dried up....it will come down to trust.

TRUST

Chopping Onions...already that trust is damaged and unfortunately it will probably get worse. I'm just jumping to the end and telling you to be prepared.

Can you create a "new" relationship with your wife? One where trust isn't necessarily "trust"...but rather...an "Understanding"?

Trust is a choice. You CHOOSE to believe someone. You CHOOSE to believe what they tell you when it's unverifiable. It was and still is the hardest hurdle for me to overcome.

Of course we all hope that this is just a "false alarm" and nothing is going on, but it really doesn't look that good. Those emails are completely out of bounds if anything and eventually need to be addressed.

Honestly, I think the best thing to do is go back to work and flip the marriage on its head. Bring her back into the responsibility of family. Don't wait for "proof" to realize something is wrong. Be proactive.

Hey Shadowboxer, I appreciate you taking the time to offer your opinion, coming from where you've been. It sounds like things are working out for you in your M (or a reasonable facsimile thereof).

I'll say this, though. The last thing I want to be spending my time on is being a fucking PI. I have better things to do. My time off was intended to be temporary, mostly for her benefit, and for D's benefit. I didn't spend a decade of postgraduate training to be Mr. Mom.

Trust is not always a choice. It takes two people, not just one. You say "from the emails it seems like something is going on." Well, seems doesn't cut it in my book. If confronting without proof brings on denials and driving an A further underground (which no doubt it would), then what? Can I still "choose" to trust her then?

On the other hand, if there is OM's bodily fluids in her underwear, then there is solid proof and no chance for denial, and the A gets pulled from the roots. NC becomes a more viable path. WW's options to handle this become much more limited (reconcile vs. divorce instead of denial, deception, and sweeping it under the rug). OM's W gets any proof she needs, and a similar chance as I have in moving forward without the lies.

I'd rather have my ducks in a row than have to deal with getting bulshitted, gaslighted, and accused of privacy invasion over what appears to be "just friendly emails".

WW is a gregarious person. It's not unusual for her to send X's and O's to anyone she works with closely. The email conversations I've posted are scant proof of anything, and could be readily denied.

I totally agree with the meticulous investigative work you've been doing. I see your point about have "all your ducks in a row." But, she doesn't have to have sex for it to be an affair, buddy. Either way, what she is doing(inappropriate correspondence)is a borderline EA. How can you let her engage this person like this any further. If its not a PA, I can bet it's going to end there. Be strong my friend.

areyouserious, I hear ya. The EA alone will warrant a confrontation, even without evidence of a PA. I'd rather be armed with information than flying blind, though.

I am doing OK right now. I'm focusing on taking care of myself and my D. I do not relish the coming of D-Day, as things will never be the same. A bit of limbo is OK right now, though.

I picked up the book, "Not Just Friends" today, and plan to start reading it.

I've been following your posts -- strength to you as well, buddy.

CO,

Keep up the good work. If any of us ever wanted to be a PI, we would have got a license and hung out a shingle.

You are SO correct in your thinking. You are attempting to avoid the blatant mistake most newbies make - Confronting without evidence.

Sure, trust is a choice. But it is a choice no one can rationally make blindly. Especially when their intuition is screaming there are lies present.

Get your ducks in a row - get your evidence.

Otherwise, you will join the countless others on this site that confronted too early, never know the truth, and depend on the WS to someday come clean. And that seldom happens.

Good luck Bro..

CO, just read you're entire post here. What a story. Suddenly this woman you know so well turns out to be someone you don't know so well. I hope things turn out well for you, no matter the outcome.

I had to chuckle about the "not a PI" bit. Between your education and the madness that grips you after the existence of an EA or PA dawns on you, I am sure you have been hitting this project pretty hard. I am a lawyer by training and when my dday arrived, I spent the next 26 days doing some of the most intense research of my life. It was as if someone's life was at stake.

The good news is that sooner or later, that intensity switch will flip off and you can get back to living life without being consumed by this every minute of the day. Until then, good luck and keep your chin up. You sound like a quality guy.

Hey..there's a time and place for everything...in the early stages of Infidelity we all become arm chair detectives!

I'd bet that the majority of us have taken this path before and after.

Many continue to investigate and search Forever.

Keep on, keeping on Onion.you are doing exactly what YOU feel you need to do, and so many of us also agree.

ChoppingOnions,

FWIW, when I was suspicious of my then husband on his infidelities regarding our 18 year marriage, I hired a PI. I had a ton of irrefutable evidence. During my confrontation of him, he began trying to deny (of course) and I was able to very quickly cut off this by just saying "I'm not even going to listen to your denials, I have mountains of indisputable evidence."

This was (for me) INCREDIBLY helpful to the process of confrontation. It would have been very painful for me to have sat through a denial, argument, insanity producing conversation of gaslighting and blame shifting and so I was able to cut it off very effectively. I didn't actually show him ANY of my "evidence" until after the divorce was well underway, but his own knowledge that I had it led him to confess/admit. I only hinted here and there to what I had and it came to be that I got even more from him.

I realize that you don't know if you are headed for divorce, reconciliation or what but I wanted to provide this perspective that at least for me - the waiting for the collection of very HARD evidence was beneifical in the end.

You have 5 to 9 days to wait on the lab so that gives you some days to see if the AVR or email shows up anything. At that time you still have the emails you located along with the nightie she took with her she didn't want you to know about. She will have a lot of explaining to do even with a negative lab report.

I like having evidence in instances like these in the event that I need to use said evidence in a legal discussion. ChoppingOnions is doing what he needs to do.