SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Brian Weiss googled.

Reincarnation and past-life regression specialist.

I'm guessing that the next thing you'll hear from your wackoWW is that her and TwinFlame were together in a past-life and are now destined to be together in *this* one......

Brian Weiss is a psychiatrist who has written about reincarnation and has his 'theory' on reuniting soulmates here on earth and uses regression as a tool for his research. So, she's really gone off mentally with these thoughts.

Wow she is doing anything and everything to convince and keep herself convinced about this Twin Flame bullshit. Even if you believed in soul mates, and finding "the one" there are still times where you want to throttle the one, and kick your soul mate in the nads when they do something stupid. I can honestly say she is firmly planted in the land of rainbow farting unicorns.

And this

I *get* that there are practical considerations here since you have kids together......but this really does fall under the *tough shit, actions have consequences* heading. Let her TwinFlame sponsor her......

Is exactly right. Please talk to your attorney about this. If there is something legally that would prevent you from seeing your kids, like she could take them with her if she were kicked out of the country, then I can see holding off, otherwise, I would file, and demand those kids stay with me. She is not a good mom right now. She is far from it. She is making some other married man her priority. That is not being a good mom. You on the other hand are being the good dad, and focusing on their needs and keeping them as safe from harm as possible.

I *get* that there are practical considerations here since you have kids together......but this really does fall under the *tough shit, actions have consequences* heading. Let her TwinFlame sponsor her......

Ditto.

After all, if the kids come from the man who was just a placeholder until she encountered her twin flame, it shouldn't be an issue if she's deported. If she's meant to be with her twin flame then she should be free to burn away.

What I don't get about this insanity is the complete lack of sense any of this makes. If you have a twin flame, then how is it possible that you can even think you're in love with someone before you meet your twin flame? Your heart should be calling out to wait. Once you've met the twin flame, how can any obstacle like a mere green card or his wanting to keep his M and family intact possibly get in the way? It's all so ridiculous. Meant to be shouldn't involve tearing people apart. It should just happen.

You will survive this. I urge you to consider ONLY yourself and the kids in any equation. Whether or not she finds happiness or a swift kick out of the country is a result of the choices she has made to focus on herself and some fantasy rather than her M and children.

Her kids are US citizens, right? She needs to get her green card because of them, not you. I'm with the others - tough shit.

Tell her you're filing, and that she needs to figure out who else she can cling to the US through, because you're done with her.

Seriously, stop worrying about her and doing what is right for her!!!

Not sure how Brian Weiss fits in. He does believe in reincarnation/past lives. He does not put forth the argument that romantic partners reunite life after life.

He's a psychiatrist. He accidentally discovered, during hypnosis of a patient (and later, others), that certain fears in this life seemed to be rooted in trauma that occurred prior to this life.

This led him to a belief in reincarnation, which he uses in his practice. He has several (interesting) books.

It's not all that far-out; reincarnation remains a fundamental belief of a huge portion of the world's population. (Heck, how often do we use the word karma here? It refers to past lives.)

Nothing Weiss says provides ANY foundation for infidelity.

Which is not to say your wife isn't LOOKING for some sort of adolescent "proof" she was meant to be with her Twin Flame. Maybe she's hoping to find that a renowned psychiatrist-turned-past-life-believer will tell her that she HAS to be with Mr. Twin Flame because they have been together for 'lo those many lifetimes.

She won't find it, unless her puerile, foggy mind creates it all by itself.

(I really wish you'd stop using the term "twin flame," Felco. It's as though you are giving it credence when, really, it's childish nonsense and deserves no validation whatsoever. And it's degrading to YOU.)

ETA: Add me to the "let Mr. Twin Flame" sponsor her citizenship list. Natural consequences. File, and petition for custody. Let her figure out staying in the U.S. on her own.

[This message edited by solus sto at 10:52 AM, January 2nd (Thursday)]

My WW is so convinced about this Twin Flames that I am now thinking it is true.

Felco...

Brother...crazy has a way of infecting you. The fact she is convinced doesn't make her right. Hell, Hitler was believed unwaiveringly in his sick ideology that didn't make it right.

Even if this insane, self-indulgent, justifying crap were somehow true...it does not now nor would it ever change the fact that she took vows with you she has broken. Til death do you part...sound familiar? So if they were "loves" in a past life then they will be again and she needs to just stfu.

Divorce her. If this guys is her "twin flame" (just a sec ) then he can sponsor her.

Protect you. Not her. Do not try to save her or anyone else from the consequences of her choices. She keeps making choices and wreaking havoc and you keep trying to contain the damage. Stop. You cannot save her and you can only help your children with your love and support. The more you mask her actions the less they'll see the truth. They need to see that bad choices have bad consequences and see in you an example of strength, perseverance and most importantly someone who will not tolerate mistreatment and betrayal.

Lastnight I really opened up and said everything I was feeling and what I was thinking what is going on with her. I said you are dont want to be married to me. She replies, "I cannot give you what you want" Which is 100%. I told her she is not well and her actions are proving that. I went to her in the middle of the night and asked, "before him did you want out of the marriage and was this a way of getting out" she said no. So I said then we to not discuss this further except for kids and finance.

This morning we did not speak much.

I have to admit, I have contacted all her friends and reached out to them.

I am drawing straws. Yes it is desperate but I truely think she is not right.

Tell her you're filing, and that she needs to figure out who else she can cling to the US through, because you're done with her.

Ditto to this, Felco. Enough is enough. Remove yourself now from the insanity and abuse. It is so hard, I know. But you must. This is what I had to tell myself prior to taking the plunge and filing: I have no choice. This must be done. My emotions will catch up later.

And they have. Slowly, painfully, but they have. They will for you too.

Felco,

Her friends will do one of three things

1) Try to convince she off her nut, in which case she will shut them out because they don't understand

2) Back away because they don't want to get involved, in which case she'll take that as support

3) Actually support her in doing what "makes her happy"

It will not get you what you want. You cannot get through to her because she just does not want to be reached. She just doesn't. She will either "get it" on her own or she won't. You have to let go of any expectations. Get into IC. I'm a little concerned you may have some codependency issues of your own to sort out.

Her friends are very upset with her.

Yes, I do have codependency issues and I am in IC.

I am upset and hurt because of this. She was the best thing in my life so yes I want to save it.

I want to not screw over the nanny and the other family we co-share the nanny with. I did tell her that she should leave but she won't. I don't want to leave either so we are going to co-parent in the house for a few months.

I told her she is on the couch and she wants to sleep in the room on another bed I said I can't do it.

I need to let her go but it is F&$cking hard!!!

[This message edited by Felco at 12:55 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)]

Wishing you strength, Felco. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this special kind of crazy. She is delusional to the Nth degree. I know you want to "fix" her. "Help" her see the light. Get her to "understand" reality.

Truth is... you just can't. No matter how hard you wish or no matter what you or any of her friends say. She needs to realize she's messed up. That's why everyone is telling you to protect yourself and focus on you.

Believe me, we all know how hard it is. Everyone is trying to save you time and heartache by "cutting to the chase" and showing her you will not be second best. You deserve more. Even if you love her. You deserve to be loved first and foremost.

She has not shown you that love. She has shown you who she is and what she believes. You need to believe her. Protect yourself from being hurt any more. IF (big IF) she "wakes up" and completely changes her behavior, you can consider taking her back into your heart. But she is no where close to this.

I know it's hard, but you've been doing great. Keep walking away. Harden your heart against her. She already hardened hers to you when she cheated and decided to "love" someone else.

Don't worry about what happens to her. Only YOU and YOUR KIDS matter now. Really. You all deserve better than this delusional woman! Hang in there and stay tough.

ETA: I've walked in similar shoes... My WH told me he "loved" both of us, that he was "scared to let her go", that he was still "emotionally attached to her", all the crap, although no "twin flame" garbage. I know firsthand how devastating it is. He didn't "wake up" by my being "nice" to him. Didn't want to face his demons. Tough love is the only thing that works. I read about it here, but it took me (and my co-dependent habits) a while to internalize it. It's a process. You will get there.

[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 11:34 AM, January 2nd (Thursday)]

I want to not screw the nanny and the other family we co-share the nanny with.

I'm pretty sure you meant you don't want to screw over the nanny with regards to employment situation, correct?

Stick to kicking her out of the bedroom.

You cannot make her your problem. You simply can't. She has issues, that's for sure, but that's her problem. She can lean on friends and family. You are going to have enough to deal with.

I understand it's extremely difficult, but you have to just cut her out. When you start feeling weak, or sad, go for a walk, or post here. She is poison, and the more you show her compassion or kindness, the more she buys into herself as a sympathetic lost cause whose 'twin flame' is doing the right thing so they can't be together. She needs to be treated as an adulteress that is ripping up her family for childish fantasies because that is what she is.

I did tell her that she should leave but she won't.

Tell her you're going to call your attorney to see what can be done to remove her from the home and then do it!

Or tell her you won't file for another year (saving her green card status) if she is out by the end of the week.

She needs real hard consequences. Losing her home and her children are real, hard consequences. It will be very hard, but you must show her you are serious. Letting her stay and agreeing to 'coparent' are not those actions.

And mom on the couch isn't great for the kids. Neither is a second bed. The kids need to get used to the idea that things will be separate, so dragging it out isn't changing anything - it's just dragging it out.

Of course letting go is extremely hard to do. You thought you and she would be spending your lives together and then this happened...

She is now checking out the works of Brian Weiss, which SHOWS YOU where HER MIND is STILL at. You will NEVER be able to connect with her as long as she is longing for him.

Seriously, I'd ask myself this, *IF HER OM were AVAILABLE for them to be together, would she be there with YOU???*

Because she is NOT with YOU mentally or emotionally. Start to DETACH from her now, for your sake. (((Felco)))

I am the poster child for being detached but living in the same house with an un remorseful WH...

It sucks the life out of me..

I don't have the means to physically separate from WH and support myself without having to go back to work..My health doesn't permit me to work full time for the time being, anyway..

I also don't like the idea of going back to work before a D is final, because I don't want to set any kind of precedent that I am able to support WH AND myself..

In other words I don't want to be forced into going back to work by a lazy WH taking advantage of me in a D

I want my return to the work force to be on my own choice and schedule, and for my own reasons.

So the only way a divorce proceeding and settlement would go well for me would be if my WH did not go after part of my pension(in payout) or try to get spousal support...

Not likely to happen.. I will be leaving a 38 year marriage..My WH is unemployed with no savings/pension of his own.

With the above said, I am thinking about squirreling all of my prized possessions with sentimental value away form the house to a safe place...I can't go on with this in house crap for much longer..

After I gradually squirrel what I want away from the house , I will consider living with my mom (if she will have me) for a while after I lawyer up and file for a D..

The longer you stay married, the more complicated it gets to leave the marriage....Especially if a spouse doesn't have your well being in mind..

I know you do not want to screw the other family over who is the other client of your nanny...If you have the means to kick your wife out or leave, I recommend doing so and sooner rather than later..I think the nanny and the other family would understand and adjust..

Is it possible for you to look for another family in your area who can take the place of yours as an employer for your nanny?

I know it is killing my self respect to have an un remorseful and cheating spouse under the same roof as me..We stay in separate rooms as much as possible while in the house at the same time.

.WH sleeps in the guest bedroom..No sex or affection together whatsoever..

Even though I am detached from WH and we are leading separate lives, I hate it when he is home...I feel more energetic and peaceful when he is gone for the day, or weekend..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 12:50 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)]

I am upset and hurt because of this. She was the best thing in my life so yes I want to save it.

But she is not the best thing anymore, in fact she has morphed into the absolute worst thing in your life.

Please pay attention to what she does, not what she says. She is playing games with your life and the lives of your children.

I know that you are undone by these changes. Really, I do. But at some point who will be the advocate for the kids?

You and only you have the power to bring peace and calm to your household. Only you. You must step away from your cray-cray ww and restore order in you home, for your children's sake. You Must.

They will remember in very sharp detail for the rest of their lives, every hushed argument, every crying jag, all the slammed doors and the like. And trust me, they are trying to figure it all out in their little innocent minds. Maybe even discussing amongst themselves.

Push your WW out of the house. Do not let her delusional unicorn-rainbow-fart ways dominate the their home. It's not fair to them or you.

Pack her crap and make her go.

And add me to the list of letting her AP sponsor her green card. She can see if she can work it out with him...You don't want any shenanigans with her trying to take your kids out of the country after she become legal.

I am drawing straws. Yes it is desperate but I truely think she is not right.

She is just a pod person now, not the woman you married. She may look and smell like her but that woman is long gone. MAKE HER GO AWAY.

Sending you strength and clarity in the days to come.

(((((Felco and kiddos)))))

Would your children not require care, whether their mother left or not?

I don't see how telling your wife, "Leave now, and I'll hold off on filing until your immigration status is safe" poses a threat to the nanny.

Sounds like an excuse.

And that's okay. I had excuses by the truckload, for a very long time. It can take a while to really absorb the necessity of the changes.

Unfortunately, that passage of time can cause unspeakable damage to the BS and children. That's another hard lesson learned.

Don't think that you're doing your kids favors by staying with a woman in love with another man. It may be easier for YOU, but as the daughter of parents who stayed together "for the kids" (and then for decades after the last "kid" left), and as a woman who did the same, for a time, I can attest that the damage is HORRENDOUS.

Consider that, when making your decisions.

When I say staying in the house, I mean for a few months to not completly change everything in one big swoop. Plus, the nanny lives here, there is another family who has to find another place, sell the house, ect. We both do not have family near by so my kids have the nanny as there rock.My kids are 3 and 1 1/2..babies

So, I think doing this in a somewhat mature slow fashion is the right thing.

Her having a green card is advantagous to the family because she will be able to work where ever instead of one place and they don't always have enough hours so thus less money for the kids.

There is just the logistics of living under the same roof.

I think sleeping in separate rooms so having my son in my room and she can sleep in there or vise versa. Adjusting the night routine as dinner with the kids, mom takes shower while I play with kids, kids bath with mom while I clean up after dinner and kids, both do bedtime and then off on our own. We only share Saturdays as a day off so I will be with the kids on Saturday and her on Sunday while I am at work.

We don't talk about anything except kids, finances, and household stuff.

While living together I will be planning my future without her and my exit plan. In a few months we can discuss the out-of-house separation.

I know I NEED to move forward and not allow fear and my emotions take over....DEEP breaths!!!

[This message edited by Felco at 1:07 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)]