SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

D&L,

I've read your story and first just wanted to say how very, very sorry I am for what your wife has, and continues to put you through.

There are different kinds of infidelities, and we've seen it all here. My wife had a 3 month physical afffair. Yep, emotional too. Remember when you were relieved because it was a bunch of ONS's? Mine was the opposite. But who cares? They all hurt like a bitch and they are all bad. And I too had her up on a pedestal. Defended her against the SI community who were telling me hard truths that I didn't want to hear. Told everyone she was a great mom, too.

Well, it's now 17 months since my DDay and we are in R. So from that perspective, let me tell you a few things that might be helpful.

Detach. Clear your head. Get away. This is the mother of all shit storms that has been dumped on you and it's almost impossible to think clearly or rationally. You need to be healthy. Both physically and emotionally. I took Ambien and Ativan to help me sleep and for anxiety attacks. See your doctor if those are issues for you. Can you get away for a few days? Clear your mind? Your hiking is helpful. Anything you can do for a longer period?

Please understand that as much as you love your wife, she needs to be a safe partner for you and right now she isn't. And hasn't been for a while. I'm not knocking her. She literally put her life and yours at risk. Hers by meeting strange men, and both of yours via possible STDs. And of course her actions put her children at risk as well. One of the hardest things my wife has had to reconcile is how a good mother, which is how she and I both perceived her, could hurt her own children in the way she had. This is a hard truth for you and your wife. She's not safe and unless she gets significant help, she won't be in the future.

You say, "in sickness and in health." I agree with the sentiment, but be careful not to label what she's done as being "sick." She has issues that need to resolved STAT, sure, but by labeling her, you potentially excuse her actions. "Well, she was sick, so that's not really her." Nope. Not true. This is her. Warts and all. Understand this.

She's TT'd you like nobody's business and you cannot continue without full transparency. Her giving blowjobs after DDay shows just how screwed up her mindset is right now. There is literally no hope unless she fully owns what she has done. That means she recognizes that she took a grenade, pulled the pin, and lobbed it right into your heart, your marriage, and your family. Not you. Not your "not being there emotionally," nothing you've done. Her. And only her. Until she recognizes the magnitude of what she's done and takes full responsibility for it, you've got nothing to work with.

Consequences. The thing that works more than anything is for the WS to see consequences of their actions. What your wife called abuse was folks here telling you the truth. Because consequences were about to follow and she didn't, and still doesn't, want there to be any consequences for her behavior. Perhaps that means D. Maybe not. But clear action and consequences are musts. Perhaps D and then remarrying with legal agreements in place? It's too early for anything like that. But you need to be clear on consequences and follow through. She's already broken your lines over and over again. And I'm not 100% certain you still have everything. So she'll likely do it again. So what will you do if she does? If there's revelation #16? If the answer is nothing, then other than being a decent person and doing the right thing, which she hasn't been for a while now, there's nothing compelling her to be open and honest with you as she continues to protect herself.

Wow, this is long-winded. Sorry about that. And again I'm truly sorry for what you're going through.

Excellent post by Walloped. Read it...again and again.

yes i have read it over too.

we're trying to have a day off from this but of course all we've done is talk about it.

The SOM gave me his full account with all the disgusting details. I have compared them with the timeline details my WW has provided already. She gave full disclosure. Everything she told me was confirmed by SOM and nothing more. There has been no contact between the two in this time. The only communication with him has been from my email to his work, and using whatsapp pretending to be my WW to persuade him to do this. "I've told him everything. You need to as well"

This was by far the worst A but I am sure she has told me everything about it. I've just had to read her version again, got quite upset, and had to leave the house, but I'm back in now. Not angry, just so desperately sad. It's like what was most likely an exciting fun adventure for her was my worst nightmare and having to read through it again is just beyond torture. Had to be done though. I know the biggest hurdle is that she carried on with it after D-Day. We're still working on that.

I just want to point out that you asked for a timeline so that you would know the whole truth. You got it.

Do not crucify the WS for giving you what you asked for, even if you learn that what she told you previously was not the whole truth.

Remember, the point of a written timeline is to give you a baseline from here on out - this was her chance to come clean.

That said, remember this: You, as the BS, ALWAYS have the option to say it was all a deal breaker and leave, file for D. No one says you have to R.

D&C My man be very very cautious from this point forward.

She states she has provided the full details. However past experience, and way this generally plays out is that there will be more.

Take the timeline. Put someplace safe, do not allow her to have it or alter it from this point forward.

Now is the time to step back, regroup, get some rest, and nutrition, and think on what your line in the sand will be. How you will stick to it, and what the consequences of her crossing it will be.

The story keeps changing.

Interesting that they had exact matching stories. I know you think that she hasn't communicated with him, but when they stories match up exactly, that's usually the case.

[This message edited by confused615 at 1:08 PM, January 5th (Thursday)]

I didn't say they were identical. I said there was no new revelation. (Or something like that). The stories had slight differences tbh too disgusting to put here. I see it as comparing a woman's view on proceedings vs a mans. The main highlights were the same.

And I didn't crucify WW for the timeline. I just said re-reading it got me upset so I put some distance from everyone just while I got it under control. I don't mean violent. I mean sad upset. She has since written a more detailed timeline but I'm not ready to read it.

((((DazedandLost))))

Just take things one step at a time. Keep breathing. This is going to suck for the foreseeable future no matter what you do or don't do, no matter what you decide or when.

I hope that your tests all come out clean.

In the meantime, I would urge you to work on detaching from her. It will give you a little space and some perspective on this entire situation.

It takes time to recover from infidelity - 2-5 YEARS. Your feelings will go up and down and sideways. You're on a rollercoaster from hell, and it will take time to process all of this.

Take care of yourself. Then work on some boundaries and consequences. Do not teach your WW that she can walk all over you.

You can do this. We are all here for you.

((((DazedandLost))))

Sorry this is happening DL. So she was handing out BJs like candy in parade but never had intercourse? That is highly unlikely. I would bet the family farm she was also having intercourse with these men. You are still getting TT IMO.

***General reminder***

Please leave FrozenHeart's posts from Wayward out of this thread. She is entitled to get support in there without carrying over what she says into here.

Let's let FH have her safe place to heal,

Thank you.

And I didn't crucify WW for the timeline.

Sorry, I should have been more specific in my comment.

There were a lot of comments (some from you, a lot from other posters) that she disclosed the BJs when before she hadn't, and that this was her continued lying. Maybe, maybe she actually took the opportunity you gave her to come clean. Only time will tell.

Do what TushRN said: keep that timeline and see if it changes as time goes on. That's when you know she is lying.

This is a lot to process, and part of the reason it takes so long to get over infidelity.

Again, you are within your rights to pull the pin at any time, for any reason.

So do you have a GPS on her phone and in her car? Have you looked into her taking a polygraph? You can tell her she must write at least this latest guy a "no contact" letter that you approve and send yourself. Things like that go a long way toward driving home just how horribly she acted - the hit to the pride in having to write that letter and knowing he'll read it. Another test I often advise is having them go with you to their parents (and/or your parents) and admit what they did, and ask for their forgiveness. It's a lot harder to cheat again once you've seen that look on your parents' faces.

About the timeline reaction...you have nothing to explain about your reaction. I already knew some things that my H had done due to my own investigating. He had denied, but even though I knew, seeing it written in black and white was infuriating. Yes, he gave me what I asked for in the timeline. My fury was because he had continue to TT and should have never put us in that spot. The thing with TT is you never know where the end comes. You hope you have it all and boom, 2 months later you get hit again.

It's easy to judge TT from 10,000 ft up and 5 years out. You can put a point on it. When you are living so close to it, you have no way of seeing that point and feel tossed. My only advice is to give it time, keep your lines and boundaries firm, and give yourself some slack.

I agree with soulhurt. He knows a lot about lies, TT, and blame shifting.

If your WW is a sex addict, what is she getting out of it if there isn't any release for her? It seems so one sided with just blow jobs so what is she getting out of it? Validation? Ego kibbles? And why is it worth more to her than your M?

I know you have said you will D since she keeps lying but your plans have seemingly been tossed aside for the time being. If R is anywhere on the table for you, get the polygraph. Make sure you have the full truth so you're not dealing with more TT in the long run. Plus, if your WW isn't being honest, that really puts a dent in her remorsefulness for R.

You seemed pretty worked up early on because it was all your fault. I think you posted that she wrote a letter to you about it, and you basically ignored it. Have you gone back and looked at that letter now? I know the cheating is not your fault. But where have you moved to from that letter and your ignoring it? I think you mentioned you were like a robot and maybe even said something like, poor her. How much does that factor into the whole situation now? Was it just one letter? Meaning - how much effort did she expend to convince you she was so unhappy? Or was she really not that unhappy after all?

Also you said you were really happy and had never been closer, the affair she had made you so close to her and she knew you were posting. You said because you still had the affair rattling around in your head. And now, in retrospect, you know she met other man twice between d-day and your posting. Did she either encourage or discourage you about posting? If you did not post, and you just suffered through the rattling around in your head, but been otherwise extremely happy as you posted, do you think she would have ended the affair at that time? Or do you think she would have continued indefinitely?

Does she still claim she didn't stay in a hotel overnight? I think you posted that she said she canceled at the last minute. Is that still true?

It said she had two extra email accounts and you posted it was innocent. Is that still true? That those two emails were innocent?

I think you posted that she never had intercourse with her best friend's husband. Is that still true?

Where did she have her hookups with her best friend's husband? In your house? In her best friend's house? I think you said you spoke with her best friend, and that your wife had deleted all messaging - were you able to get any more information from her best friend?

Why did she supposedly draw the line at penetration? There was mutual oral sex. What reason does she give for not having intercourse?

The saddest part to me is that she is so disturbed that she is even lying to herself.

This will happen over and over again unless she somehow gets "fixed". But that's going to take her getting honest with herself. So far that's not happening.

Dazed, there is a method to this madness. I posted earlier, the affair itself does not kill the marriage, the continued lies afterward does.

What happens is, she says she has told everything, and you believe her. Then you get counseling, and you re-hash it in counseling. Then you continue to occasionally talk about it as questions arise, and you re-hash it again. At some point, you realize it is still gnawing at you. Part of that is because the story doesn't quite add up. The story is theoretically possible, but not likely. Now if you have the truth, and she is very consistent in the story, you start to feel better about it. Maybe you even start to feel really happy, you've dodged a bullet, the marriage is better than ever.

But then one day, something comes up. Maybe her former best friend calls you and says guess what, I found out ABC. Maybe one of the other men's wives call you up and says guess what, I found out XYZ. Maybe it was intercourse. Maybe it was a hotel overnight. Maybe it started way earlier than she had said, even before she ever wrote that letter.

You realize that your wife has lied. She lied to you. She lied in the counselor. You re-hashed it ad infinitum, she had lied every time. Now, trust has been damaged way beyond the original affair.

To reconcile the marriage, you need two parties willing to do so.

You need the major part of the truth, because the types of nonsensical stories she gave you will gnaw at you, and nonsensical stories like that tend to fray at the edges over the next few weeks or months, e.g., someone finds out she was at the hotel and mentions it to you, or something like that, and when that happens, that's how the marriage fails - the continued lies. So to reconcile, you need to get that all out of the way first. You can reconcile without the truths, and it could feel good, but that is what is called a "false" reconciliation, and it doesn't work in the end when the lies are uncovered. And with so many lies she spun, plus she still is planning to be with at least one of them, definitely it will fall apart down the line.

Which is the main thing you need, for her to end the affair. End the affair and give full truth, those are the basis of reconciling. I don't think you have gotten either yet.

I think the polygraph is important. It puts the past in the past, no more wondering. Then you move forward, onward and upward. I cannot remember any betrayed spouse regret having gone through a polygraph.

'in sickness and in health ?' Really ??? Have you ever heard about God's commands about adultery ?

So she doesn't follow the rules and somehow you are ok with that because you follow the rules and she doesn't.

You need to snap out of your funk man because you are getting abused and you are enabling it through your lack of action and the loyalty to her that she doesn't reciprocate.

You are too nice and she knows this and will continue bad conduct.

We can't defend you until you defend yourself so what exactly is your gameplan from here on out because al I see is someone falling on their own sword and ignoring advice from here

Read up on co-dependency because you have it !!