SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks everyone. This was the most brutal for me. You asked some questions...1. What was the hardest part? early in the questioning when I got the sexual parts...ie blowjob, vagina..etc When her answer were all yes I almost died. The hardest part over was when I asked in our house? She said yes. I asked was I home? She said one time you were. That was the hardest part but I kept plowing thru the questions cause I knew the last part was detailing all of the times/dates and what happened. That part was tough we started with the First and Last time. Then started to work our way in to fill in the dates and she said "about 6 additional parking lot times in the middle". This was 2x per week. I had sex with her several times in that same 5 week period. 2 - she is a spin instructor, 99% women. 3 - My work has a free 3rd party employee assistance program. They are there to talk, hook u up with a local IC and they pay for the first 5 visits. That's what my did, she get the benefit too. I will do the same and get my own IC. 4 - kids 10 and 12. They suspect something. We haven't addressed them yet and just conscious about being civil in front of them for now. We will develop a strategy for them w/IC help. 5 - post nup. I like it. I may wait a few weeks. She is really fragile right now, I see the trauma. I'm not supporting her here, I just don't want to drop everything at once on her and break her. Slow drip might be better right now. I too need her mentally healthy, not broken. 6 - I'm not 90%...if there are 4 options, I'm 25% each for a few months. Lastly - just finishing up my last conference call then going downstairs for a workout! Thx for the advice. This group is a life saver, literally!

Joel, that must have been very difficult for you and her. I asked my wW to describe her encounters with her AP's about 2 weeks after dday. My WW's reply's eeee matter of fact, much like your WW. For me, the anger didn't hit me right away. I heard her and thanked her for being honest. She told me things that were worse than I had imagined, and these facts hit me hard later on (weeks and months after).

I think you handled things very well. I and many others know exactly the pain you are and will go through. Just keep in mind, the weeks and months ahead might be very hard on both of you. You will likely go through wild swings of emotion and will likely experience hatred, anger, love, and everything in between, sometimes within the same hour. It truly is a mind fuck.

Stay away from alcohol, I wish I had. It made things so much worse for me and my WW.

Stay strong brother, it must have been so difficult to hear these things from your WW, but good for her for being honest. My WW later told me that telling me graphic details was one of the most difficult things she had to do.

If your WW infidelity is common knowledge then be VERY AWARE that your kids might hear something. There are few things crueler than teenage kids and some pimply bully might overhear mom (who drinks too much) telling dad (who beats mom and likes to wear makeup) about how Mrs. Jeff was screwing around and poor Mr. Jeff was totally unaware of it. That in turn might come back in your kids being taunted.

1985 - can't find NY Times article “Don’t do this at home”. Did it have another name? Helping her understand the impact of doing this in our home would help.

One comment about telling your boss or others at work: Infidelity is surprisingly common. Don't assume that your boss or co-workers are saints and have never cheated on their spouses or SO's. Don't assume they have the same moral values as you.

There's not much worse than having your boss betray you after your spouse betrays you. Your boss doesn't actually owe you allegiance.

Don't overshare.

Seriously. Keep your information about your private life vague enough that they have to guess - is it cancer? is it a death in the family? Is she pregnant? Did you just find out you were adopted? Did a rich aunt die and you will be inheriting $5M, but have to deal with fighting siblings? Did you cheat? Did your wife cheat?

State only that you have having some personal issues at home to deal with that you would like to remain confidential at this time, and you may have more information to share later if it is relevant. You will need to take some personal time over the coming months to address the matter with others affected, and so forth. You wish you could say more but need to be cautious at this time.

Joel,

I think this is the article...

"Don’t Try This at Home: Adultery in the Marital Bed"

https://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/13/garden/13cheat.html

I'm not sure we're allowed to post links, the article might be titled "Don’t Try This at Home: Adultery in the Marital Bed" (edit - already posted)

I understand why you want your wife to understand the impact of an affair in your house... just having to explain it though to your WW really sucks

You got a lot of confession there from your wife, you've got a sense she had an extensive sexual affair. If you do proceed with a poly maybe the only question I'd need confirmed: "Was this your only affair"?

Hang in there Joel.

[This message edited by SnowToArmPits at 3:03 PM, May 31st (Thursday)]

Joel.

she is still lying to you. this is not her first affair. she just thinks you can't prove it.

Make her prove that this is her only A.

she contacted him after D day.

she has taken this underground.

She chose him over you and your kids.

She is an addict about him.

why did she chose him? does she even want to be married to you? was this an exit affair?

She can do without her fix.

Go get some D papers and leave them out where she can see.

How would she feel if you had the A?

Do not stay for a false R.

[This message edited by harrybrown at 3:15 PM, May 31st (Thursday)]

Snowto armpits is correct. Title is don’t try this at home - adultery in the marital bed.

Use that whole tile and you will find it. I just re-read it and it is very impactful.

[This message edited by 1985 at 3:21 PM, May 31st (Thursday)]

This is where your at now. Yes it feels like a nightmare but its your new reality. Now I know there are great people here that can coach you through trying to reconcile. I personally would not suggest that.

I don't think this was her first affair. I bet if you look back especially on trips you will find times she wasn't available when you called. You will really see her for who she really is. She knows what she has. You are financially safe for her. I doubt this was just something that was only excitement for her due to the level of her deceit. She knew well that she could be caught and she enjoyed it. I mean imagine your home and you walked in on her having sex with your friend in your house. She thought about it. She decided the risk was worth it. I would give her what she really wants.

I would give her the freedom she will need to carry on like a single teenager. I would file for divorce and ask for full custody of the children but be open to a joint custody agreement. If she fights for alimony I would do everything I could to get her to drop it or have it lowered. If that meant blackmailing her with exposing her deceit to everyone including the kids then I would use it.

You busted your ass to build a great life for her and your kids. This is how she repays you for it. There are far better women out that that done expect half as much as you have given.

The sooner you realize your worth the quicker you will see this marriage is dead.

You deserve better.

You seem to be taking this on the chin and not batting an eye about it.

Are you this methodical and detached with everything in your life?

Unfortunately, I'm thinking Curious9 may be correct. From my experience concerning my fWW's multiple affairs, and your history of traveling, I would suggest going forward with the polygraph.

Joel1111,

I am glad the book helped her and she read it before your discussion. I feel you have received the information you need to process the trauma. I feel it is best to always know what you are reconciling with and from.

Please take time to rest. If possible focus on other activities and issues for a while. I suggest that you plan when you will work on infidelity related issues and reconciliation and devote other time for "life, healing activities, and kids." You and she can spend too much time on this and it may drag you down if you get stuck or cycling over the same material.

Best wishes. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family as you travel through infidelity.

Helping her understand the impact of doing this in our home would help.

If she needs help understanding basic human decency, then what is the point?

You cannot coach someone into having empathy, or a conscience.

Psychological naval gazing via IC is not alchemy. It cannot turn mental/emotional lead into gold.

Joel: I've also been following this thread and all I can say is - great job. You are the man for handling things this way. I was way too chicken to sit down with my WW and ask her those tough questions. You've set an example for many others (unfortunately) to follow.

I just want to add that I hope you follow through on the poly, despite whether it seems you got all of the information and that it was all correct. If you don't then I think in the years to come you'll go back and wonder if you got hoodwinked again.

Among other things, this issue of whether or not it was her first A is a tough one. I know some here say it was not - they may be right. If I had to place a bet I would say it was not either - just because from my personal experience, either you're someone who cheats or you're not. I'm not. My WW was. Then again, even someone who cheats has to start with AP #1 and so maybe this was it. That's just math. But only a poly will give you the comfort and knowledge you need on this issue since her word is worthless.

Hang in there brother.

Good job.

“22. Did you have any sexual (kissing thru sex) contact with him the same day as your husband?

A: No”

Gut tells me that is a lie

Man, I feel for you.

That's some fucked up shit.

It only goes to show that waywards are some of the most crappiest people on the face of the earth.

Good luck, whether you R or D.

But don't you feel you deserve better?

Whew! That was brutal and traumatic just to read.

The part about having sex while you were in the house? I don't think I could recover from that.

You say she is fragile...but what about you? You sound incredibly strong and kind hearted. She took great advantage of your nature and she doesn't deserve you. Not pro-D, just saying she is a loser. I hope she can change.

I'd still follow through on the poly. It sounds to me like she's more of a seasoned cheater than she's letting on. There may be more.

[This message edited by kaygem at 7:38 PM, May 31st (Thursday)]

Thanks so much to all of you for getting me this far so fast. Amazing support and great/different perspectives to help me start this journey. Today I got back into my daily workout routine, I've been drinking a couple muscle milks each day, lot of water, forcing my self to eat small healthy meals and working on getting an hour or two more of sleep each night (started at zero). I've got the IC's setup, my doc for some preventative mood pils, I schedule a 2hr pause each day to just break down and cry with my brothers and sisters, STD testing in process, as much detail of A as I can take in a contract, WW read a Linda McDonald book and I took my kids out tonight to Honey Hut for some Ice Cream. They are doing fine thanks to all of you. I'd be in a such a different place right now without you.

I was asked about being methotical and detached in everything in life. I acknowledge that thru this I have become a bit detached, this taught me that detachment can be normal with the trauma in the beginning. As a trained engineer I do have a methotical and project planning type mind. I also do what I say I'm going to do. I didn't know what the hell to do on Monday....you all gave me the pieces, I just needed to execute.

I know this will be a lifetime journey, where ever it goes. Every option has a bright side so today and every day I will take a small step - fwd or backward I don't know...but I will take a step.

My pieces are place, I will stay committed to posting in the coming weeks, likely a little less often as my first 4 days of D-Day.

Live on!

It worries me that you seem to have established the facts but not the reasons for the level of disrespect she showed you throughout this affair.

Has she any explanation for this? Cheating is one thing but basically involving you in the cheating 'games' they played takes it to another level. I think you will find it very hard to come to terms with that, if at all.

You also need to establish via a polygraph if this was her first betrayal. I would have great suspicions about that given the arrogant and conspiratorial way she behaved with the AP during the affair.

I would normally support reconciliation with a remorseful wife but would question that in this case, even if she became remorseful, due to the deliberate and guiltless disrespect shown to you whilst partaking in her communications with the AP. It will be very hard for you to view her as a worthy lifetime partner after this.