SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I thought infidelity in my marriage would be an instant deal breaker just as it had been with boyfriends that had cheated on me. I fully believed if my suspicions were verified it would be over. Period.

I never realized how much more painful it would be with the betrayal coming from my husband.

How frightening the thought of my family imploding really is.

The utter devastation that would occur to my self esteem, my sense of stability, my heart, my soul, my body, my thoughts, my eating and sleeping patterns and leave me with an uncertainty of the future.

The way it would change my views on love and marriage, and how jaded it would make me.

That it would turn my WH instantly into somewhat of a stranger.

That my trust would be completely gone.

Never realizing how far reaching the ripple effect would be.

Never realized the triggering, the mind movies, and the general crazy making aspects to being cheated on by a spouse.

Mostly I always thought any wife that stayed with her cheating husband was an absolute fool. Why would they stay with someone like that? I could never understand it. Sadly, I get it now. Ending things isn't so easy, it's not a decision to be made in haste, children factor in heavily as do finances and whether a future seems better with or without the WS.

The depth of the hurt.

I am sitting here nodding at so many of these responses.

MalibuBayBreeze' the bit about your WS being a somewhat stranger. I so get it :-( And you start to question what is real. What you know. What you don't.

• I always thought it would be a dealbreaker and we'd be over immediately

• I thought I would have trouble with intimacy and that I wouldn't be able to stand him near me (but it's been really really weird to me that I haven't...I had to google to check I wasn't insane as I felt so confused and broken....although there are certainly triggers.)

• I always thought it suggested some deficiency in the BS (and I feel horrible for thinking that but it's kind of what we are often fed in the media/movies). I think this is why i am experiencing such overwhelming shame even though it is NOT MY FAULT

• I had no idea how much it hurt and how it messes the BS up so badly mentally

• I had no idea I would question my past and be scared of my future. I thought it's just something that happens and you move on

• I never knew what true heartbreak felt like until now (lucky until now I guess) and how apt the name is.

• I never realised 99% of the stuff I am experiencing to be honest

SO. MANY. THINGS

That staying and not leaving right away was a sign of weakness when in fact it was the ultimate strength.

I also am nodding at all the responses, I too also thought it would e a deal breaker, instead it's living hell and I'm in it.

I mistakenly believed that once a cheater, always a cheater. For some people this is true, but not all.

Based on the above misconception, I believed cheating equaled the end of the marriage.

Also based on the above misconception, I believed that if a BS chose to stay with a WS, they were asking to be cheated on again.

I thought that cheating in a marriage was just the same as cheating in a dating relationship. Nothing prepared me for this level of pain. It's one thing to be cheated on by someone that you are trying on for size. It's an entirely different ballgame to be cheated on by someone that you have already chosen as "the one" above all others and have built a life with, had children with, and invested your entire self into the relationship with. The breakup isn't a matter of sending a text/making a call and going to pick up the CD that you left in their vehicle while only needing to find something else to do with your Saturday nights. The breakup of a marriage is much more complicated. The more you have in life, the more there is to fight over in a divorce. It's massively complicated to extract oneself from a completely intertwined and intermingled life together.

I believed that the BS was responsible for keeping the WS faithful. That any failure of the WS being faithful meant that the BS did something wrong in the marriage to force the WS to cheat on them. Spent many years trying to be the perfect wife so as to not give my WH a reason to cheat. What a mind blow to discover that I was wrong all the way around.

I believed that if a BS chose to stay, then it meant that they were okay with being cheated on. That there was no need for any healing, that forgiveness was given immediately, and that the A was rug swept entirely if a BS chose to stay. That if they could not do those things, then they needed to divorce. There was no room for anything in between. Looking back, I can see where this misconception came straight from the media and movies since this was the impression that was painted over and over and also where it came straight from the WS's themselves. This was the expectation that they had. This was how they want it dealt with and what they shove down everyone's throats. It is so completely wrong and unhealthy.

I believed that counseling was only for weak people with serious mental issues. I saw it as a cop out for people who only wanted to cry about their problems while not doing anything at all to fix them. I was so wrong.

I believed that anyone who couldn't immediately get over being cheated on was malingering and milking it for sympathy. Wrong. I did not know how traumatizing being cheated on is so that many BS's end up with PTSD. I did not recognize cheating and all of it's enabling behaviors for the extreme emotional and mental abuse that it is. I did not realize just how much cheating blows up a BS's life and forces them to question the actual history of their life while trying to piece together their true history, the one that the WS deliberately hid from them. In all honesty, I have to say that what I have endured during the years that I was being violently raped on a daily basis starting when I was 7 years old pales in comparison to how traumatizing being cheated on has been.

I believed that I could spot a cheater. The most effective cheaters are the one who have perfected their mask so that they blend in perfectly. The same holds true to a lot of serial killers, serial rapists, and con artists. They make it their mission in life to place themselves beyond suspicion. Scary stuff, especially when you combine that with the seemingly shared lack of regard for the well-being of their victims.

I believed that a person would get as good as they gave. If a person worked hard, treated people with common human decency and respect, and strived to leave the world a better place, then those things would automatically be given to them in return. That in doing right by others, others would do right by you. That's not how it works at all. There simply is no substitute for standing up for oneself and enforcing how they want and deserve to be treated.

I believed that I had to earn a person's love. Deserving love just for being the unique and dynamic individual that I am (flaws and all) was a completely foreign concept to me. This went hand in hand with believing that I would get as good as I gave.

I believed that if he cheated I'd be immediately done with him, and I'd kick him out.

I also thought you'd be healed (essentially) in maybe 6 months, or so.

(I wish!!)

That once they got caught my WH would actually value his family & marriage more than the interloper.

(Nope. Not at all!!)

I believed it would be sad, hurtful, and really piss you off. I had NO CLUE how deep the levels of betrayal, devastation, hurt, anger, and disbelief would go.

(And how deeply they'd affect me, and for so long).

I believed my then H was better than "one of those kind of guys", the ones who forgot their kids & responsibilities. Who purposely screwed over their BS for whatever reason....twisting the knife at every opportunity.

(Boy was I wrong)!

Thanks everyone for the replies.

I can relate to all of you in one way or another.

I never thought my children would hold it against me that I stayed

I thought I was being PrOACTIVE by attending remarriage counseling before we married, that this would keep us safe from cheating.

I thought verbally agreeing NOT to lie and cheat would protect us.

No

That my husband would never cheat on me.

That if ever someone were to cheat in this marriage, it would be me as I'm the more impulsive one.

That I would leave this marriage as soon I found out that he'd cheated on me.

That there would be more reasons to leave than stay and rebuild a marriage after discovering the infidelity.

[This message edited by roseofsharon at 11:47 AM, October 29th (Saturday)]

I never really gave it much thought before it happened to me. I guess I assumed A's only happened in miserable marriages. In some way maybe I blamed the BS thinking they should have known, or paid more attention to their partner, but if an A did happen only a fool would stay... When I look back at my situation, I thought I was doing everything right. I thought I had made him a priority, that I showed him love and respect, and he was very rarely turned away if he wanted sex. Even when I didn't have intercourse I would still cuddle or show affection, but let's face it, sometimes days exhaust you. I never thought in a million years he would do this to me and my family. Not to mention the OW's family - we were all friends.. My misconceptions are also why we have told no one about his A. I don't want to feal like people are judging me for his actions.

I always thought that if someone cheated on me I would leave immediately. When I found out I didn't do that.

The problem is that the part about leaving is a core belief to me and I have had an internal struggle every day since I came back home.

I have never felt that I have been true to myself for staying

That there was no way my husband would betray me. I thought if he found someone he wanted to be with he would ask for a divorce. He didn't.

I thought I for sure would leave if he did. I didn't.

I thought that spouses that stayed with cheaters were weak. It would have been so much easier to leave. But I am trying.

I also thought by a year I would know for sure if I wanted to stay or go. And I thought that it wouldn't still be this painful a year later. We live and learn!

[This message edited by Witchywoman at 4:48 PM, October 29th (Saturday)]

I could tell if my wife was cheating and if I didn’t know it was my fault. I had a string of A hahs after the revelations that were finally explained.

If I worked two jobs, changed the diapers, took the kids camping, she wouldn’t cheat. She would need anything. Nope!

Before my wife’s first affair, I would need a couple of months to get over it. Took about 2 years.

Before my wife’s second and third affair, I would need a year or two to recover. More than four years now. Not over it. but happy in most respects

If I paid more attention to her she would not cheat again. Nope! She didn't want to hear my compliments.

If I kept myself physically fit, she wouldn’t cheat with someone who was not. They were all 25 years or older than she was and were overweight or soft. I was doing marathons and half-marathons

I didn’t know how alone and trapped I would feel. Other people don't have a sympathetic ear, even in our church.

I could not conceive how paralyzed I would become.

I didn’t know that anxiety would become a fixture in my life. Never had it before. Now I have to breath through it multiple times daily.

I thought if I chose reconciliation, I could get past her affairs quickly. I swept the first one under the rug and was cheated on two more times.

I thought my wife would have the same boundaries that I have to prevent an affair. I even showed her my boundaries, like letting her know when I would be out in public with a woman for a business meeting and going to a restaurant where everyone would know my wife and I and know if I was being inappropriate.

I never realized how little sleep I would need and continue to need to function.

I did not know how hard it would be not to think of her affairs. Too many triggers around town.

I thought that if I was sympathetic to her complaints after her first affair, she wouldn’t cheat again. That didn't matter.

I didn't think affairs could happen in "good" marriages where both people are happy.

I thought cheating was super rare.

I thought that if you kept your husband happy in bed, he wouldn't cheat.

I thought it was the BS fault if they were cheated on for not keeping their spouse happy.

I thought that if I was cheated on, I would divorce immediately.

I never imagined the depths of pain I could feel from being cheated on. I thought it would I would feel more anger and hate than pure devastation.

I thought if you stayed with a cheater you were weak.

I was completely ignorant.

Ya'll have pretty much mentioned all my misconceptions, especially the part about it being a dealbreaker. I was flat out surprised that I wanted to start and work on things.

I felt so isolated and alone, until I found SI. Guess that was a misconception.

I thought adultery love was real love, I was relieved to be corrected away from that misconception.

Probably one of the biggest shattered misconceptions that I had was that grown adults naturally think about the consequences of their actions.

I had no idea that all it would take for a man to betray his marriage was a friendly compassionate conversation and a request for help.

I had never realised how often a man has to lie in order to hide his affair.