SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Man, I feel for you. I know your pain. I was there too. I'm still there.

Let me say this... Your wife doesn't love you. Love does not do this to another person. Do not fall for that. Love is not selfish! Period! And cheaters are completely selfish and self-absorbed! They are people who either don't love you or are incapable of loving other people because they don't love themselves, which I would says is your wife (like mine).

Here is a quote from a therapist that I imagine is exactly right for both of our WWs.

“Infidelity can also originate from emotional deprivation during childhood from which a person can develop a constant hunger for attention and approval. If this is the case, when a person’s spouse cannot fulfill that hunger, that person will feel let down or cheated, and will seek attention from someone outside of the marital relationship. Many adulterers believe that they are seeking love when all they are really desire is to feel better about themselves.”

Again, this is not love. Love is not selfish. Love is a selfless. When you use people to feel good about yourself, that comes from a lack or inability to love yourself and thus love others.

Have you exposed the affair to the OBS? I was hesitant to do that, but it was the best thing. My WW won't admit it, but it gave her a wake up call. I believe she actually wanted to reconcile because of it although she says it was for another reason (i'm not buying it though).

Definitely expose the affair to the OBS and anyone else.

I think the best advice is also just give it time. Right now, you are hurting so bad and all you want is your wife back. I'm at a point where I don't want my wife back. I do still want my family back, but I see how evil my wife has become and it makes me sick.

The person your wife is right now, maybe always has been and/or always will be is not good. With time, you begin to see that and probably soon if you just give it a little.

I believe my wife is a child emotionally. She has no self esteem and has never emotionally matured. So, for her, I think she is living in a bubble, which I do think will crash at some point when she starts to actually realize the consequences are real.

For me, the sooner you can make your wife feel the reality of her consequences the better. I think there is a period where even having the consequences still feels like a fantasy to them at least if it hasn't had a major impact on their day to day lives.

So, anything you can do to make her truly feel an impact on her life from her consequences is important.

But, what do I know... I'm still struggling, which is maybe the whole point of us being here cause I'm a little bit ahead of you.

[This message edited by handleit at 1:44 PM, June 15th (Thursday)]

I replied in your other thread, I see you have already confronted once, did you have evidence?

I agree she is still in the affair and playing you.

And for the record, and take note: You are not the reason for the affair, and quit pretending you had ANYTHING to do with it. You may have had issues with the marriage, but did you have the affair? Did you think that would give you the right to?

Nope.

First and foremost, your wife cannot work with the AP if you want any chance of R. That's pretty much a standing rule around here. One of them must find a new job. That is because of the No Contact whatsoever rule.

If you have to go to an HR department, so be it, but both may lose their job if you do. That's leverage.

If you are going to fix this, you must be willing to lose it all, and it needs to be presented to her that she will to.

LOL I was the one who said the word "trolling" because I was stunned at what you described - she's the cheater but your the one who was sleeping elsewhere????? I found myself thinking I was reading a WS's post in JFO.

So please don't take offense, I was just blown away by what you said.

And sorry you're here. We're all sorry that we're here.

she's the cheater but your the one who was sleeping elsewhere?????

I saw that too, but decided to just leave it alone, but that ain't right.

1) both of you need to acknowledge that marital problems are not a reason to cheat.

2) get std tested.

3) investigate who this dude is.

4) martial counseling is no use till she gets help and out of the affair.

5) stop playing family. Start treating this as a divorce.

7) move back in, if your not giving doing a var in the bedroom.

8) consult an attorney, be prepared to lose the marriage to save it.

9) after you have attorney consult make custody arrangements.

10) she is a serial cheater, to be honest stop treating her as the victim. Tell her she has stabbed you repeatedly it is time for her to shownyou why you should stay.

Read codependent no more, after the affair.

Come up with terms of reconciliation. Transparency.

I just want to see if I can some up your situation accurately.

Your wife just had a 18 month affair and has cheated before, making her a serial cheater. She has received little or no consequences that I can see, and in fact you are the one doing the heavy lifting in the relationship.

Honestly I don't know where to begin, so I'll just advise this. Until she receives and accepts all due consequences from you, until she demonstrates genuine remorse, until she is the one fighting to save your marriage, until you stop being her door mat; you will wind up in a miserable false R and she will surely continue to cheat.

So, you have 3 choices.

- Continue to do nothing.

- Take the advice listed above.

- Divorce her. (Most likely your best choice).

I'm not trying to be critical of you, I'm trying to get you to see the reality of your situation.

Good luck.

Seems to me, she is he one that needs to find a place to stay.

And usually if you keep things in one thread, it makes it a lot easier to follow.

Thank you a for the good advice please keep it coming! This is more helpful than I ever thought it could be. So I'm in a little dilemma because right this minute we are getting ready to go on a pre-planned family vacation. This Friday through next Saturday it will be me, W, my two boys, and my niece at the beach. Sunday is our wedding anniversary and also Father's Day. I really wanted and needed to enjoy this vacation. I wanted this to be a good time and wanted the kids and even my wife to enjoy themselves. I want to enjoy it too. I'm not going to bring up anything about what's going on this week. I'm just going to enjoy this time with my family. I'm also hopeful somewhere that maybe she'll see what she is destroying and have a change of heart. I know I know silly thought. I plan to keep wrapping my head around the 180 and all the good advice you all have given me...keep posting and updating and try to relax a little and enjoy myself. Is that wrong? I mean obviously there are some serious steps that I need to and want to take to turn this situation completely on its head. We have another therapy session Monday after vacation and now that I'm not leaving home anymore I think it's going to start to close her bs fantasy world down. Then step by step as you guys have outlined I can speak with an attorney, start to implement the 180, gather more infirmation regarding the A, get info to try and reach out to the OBS, then draw the line in the sand, let her know there are and will be real consequences n I'm not putting up with this shit anymore. Then inform family, friends, possibly her job to expose, give her the it's him or me n if it's him gtfo with a smile. So does that make sense to you all?

That sounds like a great plan.

Bring a VAR. So there are no false accusations. A week should be interesting. You can watch her actions with the phone. Maybe access to the phone for spyware.

Personally, I would ask her to leave her phone at home.

I'm also hopeful somewhere that maybe she'll see what she is destroying and have a change of heart.

This is the stuff of Rainbows, and Unicorn farts.

Nothing YOU do will change her mind or her heart, or her brokenness. I don't mean to smack ya upside the head, but come on. Your wife is a serial cheater, and is giving every indication that she is cheating still.

You need to go on this trip, w/ your kids, and if possible I would tell her you need her to stay behind. You need to find your feet again. You need to start focusing on you and your kids.

She is broken, and will not be unbroken for a long time, even if she was 100% invested in doing the work and healing your M making her see what she is losing by letting her have the best of it, you and the kids on vacation enjoying life, isn't going to help her see. Now going with the kids, and leaving her ass at home, alone. With no one when her boyfriend isn't around, would be a wake up call for sure.

You have to decide when you are ready to take a stand, but friend she is manipulating and abusing you. She is putting a man before her kids.

You are afraid to lose her, but the really shitty thing is you have already lost her. And while it seems very counter intuitive no one, not a single one of us here, ever saved our M by being the nice guy.

Call tomorrow and set up appt's for the Monday you return from vacation with a Lawyer, and cancel therapy. Therapy together is doing a lot more damage than you can realize or understand right now. Save yourself. Be the healthy parent for your kids. They need one that is healthy keeps them as a priority.

(((And Strength))))

At the end of the day all women love confident men.

So go ahead and have your family day this week end.

But when that is all handled....lets see how bad your old wants this marriage when she has to face the consequences of her betrayal.

The way I see it....lets find out now....way wait for a couple of months to go by only to find out your old lady is just all talk?

The

If she can take the shame and embarrassment of being exposed she may be worth keeping around!

So in my experience your old lady will deal with the consequences of the exposure and do the heavy lifting to be with you, and she will show you she is worth another chance....worthy of your gift you offer in keeping her around.

Or she will telling to phuck off and then you will get your answer if this is a false R.

Again my experience tells me that if your old lady is up and up about being loyal she will learn her lesson from the consequences she will have to face.

Granted every case is differant...but you have to admitt she will respect you for not taking her shyt. By making her face her crap.

BTW... Your post got me back inTO posting on forms again.

My old lady screwed around on.me 6 years ago and she dealt with the exposure, the spanking, the lack of trust I "had"....she did the heavy lift to reap the reward I offered in keeping her around.

Again chicks like confident guyS...don't be afraid to let her go....it just might save your marriage IMHO.

Your plan sounds great. Your next steps of finding a lawyer and then exposing (OBS first AND DO NOT TELL HER YOU ARE DOING THIS).

Get a VAR into her car and the house ASAP. Your kids could be being exposed to someone who would hurt them. You need to know.

generally shock and awe is the way to go. try to pile it all on at once. same day she is served is same day you expose affair. same day you move her stuff out of bedroom. same day you tell obs (if there is one). same day you tell her no more marriage counseling because shes got no remorse and without remorse there is no foundation to rebuild anything. stop enabling her behavior.

you want to implode her fantasy in one massive detonation where the shots keep coming all at once.

stretching it out allows her to acclimate to each change as it occurs. you want to push her off the fence and make her not only choose you but to fight for you.

Ok I hear you all. I'm getting allot of clarity right now. And it will take me a little while to kill off my damaged way of dealing with this A, I know that, but I'm am REALLY starting to look at my situation in a whole new way. Thanks to YOUR POSTS AND SUPPORT! And the 180??? Woooow that thing is the truth. I got home yesterday from work and started to implement it immediately lol. The 180 makes so much sense it's scary. I almost feel, and tell me what you all think, but in MY situation it seems like my W is the one doing the 180 but she had the A??? It should and needs to be the other way around though. I think the 180 is something I need to read everyday, at least right now, as like a prayer almost. To keep me centered, to keep me motivated, to keep me on a good path for ME and then maybe it helps my M and maybe it doesn't but either way I'm taking care of me, the BS. I think using a lot of the methods in there this week during our family vacation will be helpful. And even though D-day was only 2 months ago, and I just reached out in here yesterday, I'm already starting to view my W in a different way...I know I know this might sound crazy, but it's true. I'm starting to see her as a very sick person that is totally lost

Careful on giving her the "sick" title. Many men here have felt obligated to stay and be abused because their wife was "Sick".

Her issues and actions are just that Hers. And no matter how much you love her, you need to love you more. No one can act for another person. No one can force another person to change. No one can fix someone else.

You can work on you. Make you strong. Make you the person you should be for your kids. Make you the strong man who demands respect from everyone in your life that they need to see to grow into honorable, health men, that dont end up choosing broken people who will hurt them.

This goes much further than your relationship w/ your wife, and while it feels like the most awful thing that could ever happen to you it is not.

This hurts and it sucks but it is also survivable, and you will heal from it. But only if you make your number one priority, and on that note, if you are not sleeping, or having trouble eating, or what if'ing yourself to death, see your Dr. There is no shame in getting some help through this. Some of us really benefitted with AD's, or Antianxiety meds to help us through. The other thing you need to do at your Dr is get full STD testing. Since she has cheated more than once you have been exposed to whatever those men may have. There are STD's that are asymptomatic, and real diseases that you could have been exposed to that can kill. A full on STD test will involve blood tests.

Take care of you.

(((And Strength)))

My Dday was only 3 weeks ago. In my situation I discovered everything and had a few hours to process before confronting my WW. I had already decided I was headed toward D and was trying to picture how it would look logistically with the kids, house, etc. When I came from this position, even in our immediate confrontation she hit the ground and began to beg and apologize. I had no intention of saving my M going in, and after a few hours of talking with her, I told her that I wasn't going to make any decisions just yet. I did let her know though that I needed time to think and decide what I wanted to do, and that she had already made her choices and now everything was my decision. She agreed and began doing everything she could immediately to prove she could be a worthy wife again someday. Now I know at 3 weeks anything could still happen, but she has made incredible strides already and I have already let her know if she continued on her path I would like to work toward R. However, if she reverts back at all, that is not acceptable to me and would lead to a marriage that I do not want and would not tolerate.

Though it may be hard, your only chance here is to mentally prepare yourself for the M to be over. It sounds like that is exactly what she is doing and you should do the same. It might shake her up and it might not, but you need to be prepared for what it would look like.

I'm also hopeful somewhere that maybe she'll see what she is destroying and have a change of heart.

This is the stuff of Rainbows, and Unicorn farts.

Nothing YOU do will change her mind or her heart, or her brokenness. I don't mean to smack ya upside the head, but come on. Your wife is a serial cheater, and is giving every indication that she is cheating still.

I don;t mean to laugh, but tush is on a roll.

I heat ya Tush. I'm very cautious about the "sick" label. I'm not saying in a way that I feel sorry for her, but rather I'm starting to see her as someone that is really f'd up in a way that's not healthy for me and our sons. If she's open is all up to this kinda shit then what the hell else is she capable of ya know. I agree with everyone that taking care of me and making me the priority is what I need to do NOW. I have to be taking care of myself and putting her in her place so I can move on when/if the time comes for that and the M is going to survive or die. Facing that is very difficult but necessary. I just wish I had done the 180 from jump street. I mean it's only been 2 months since D-day, so is it too late to even employ those tactics? I mean with the was she's treating me, cake eating, and everything else I would think that the 180 is still the way to go and the best way to make radical changes, show real consequences, and help my healing process while regaining my self respect. Do you all think it's too late for that? I mean ideally it's implemented from the beginning, understood, but life and the world isn't ideal...I'm finding my way through this shit one day at a time...I've found something really good in this site and I'm now having my eyes opened and finally feel like I have some direction and hope