SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The first answer I got was “it was different” and later on he claimed to never have said that and “our sex was obviously better because we have such a better connection”.

The facts speak for themselves though, he spent a year having sex with her.

I think Butforthegrace hit the nail completely on the head and that is exactly how I feel about it all.

Sweet

These questions I’m sure are on your mind but probably a bit premature with where you are now. Since you’ve asked for a 90 day separation and are not yet working on R, you’re probably not ready to have these discussions again with your WW.

However, when and if you do start working on R, if these things are important questions for her to answer you will have to communicate that to her. You will have to let her know that part of your healing will have to Include sufficiently making you feel that the physical part of your relationship is more exciting, emotional, fun, real, and desirable to her than it ever was with him.

TBH, PINKPGGY gave probably one of the best responses to these questions above that I’ve ever heard. Your WW will probably have to come up with something as good if you are ever going to be able to start getting past the awful acts of infidelity she layed on you and start to rebuild a new marriage.

That’s going to be very difficult for her to do.

But you’re not at that point yet. You are still getting over the shock. You are no where near making a decision to try and R. Just focus on yourself right now, not her.

She has a lot of work to do. I don’t expect she’ll be able to do it. Only a small percentage have. But perhaps you and she will be in the Minority and be able to get thru this and come out a whole couple again.

Take care.

TBH, PINKPGGY gave probably one of the best responses to these questions above that I’ve ever heard. Your WW will probably have to come up with something as good if you are ever going to be able to start getting past the awful acts of infidelity she layed on you and start to rebuild a new marriage.

Thank you for that. My husband knows all of the details of my affair, he knows everything that I posted in that response. He knows he is a better sexual partner, but he also has to live with the fact that I had sex with another man (a man who was lesser than in him in many ways). It still very well may be a deal breaker for him.

T/J I want to express my appreciation to the women of SI. You can clean up in a few paragraphs what men or a therapist can pontificate about for hours. You actually help male members when hurting. Thank you for your posts.

Much is owed to all of you and that is what makes SI so valuable.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 11:28 PM, September 29th (Saturday)]

I echo the thanks to the women in this thread I was hoping some would answer

I think this is an individual thing. You will know your response.

The female members can provide great insight regarding their gender. Read their comments again.

Listen to them for the female perspective. They are golden.

When and if your wayward wife returns to honesty you can ask her. Until she has done the work and healing has occurred it is to premature to even discuss it.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 11:34 PM, September 29th (Saturday)]

I would argue that men are too. People don't cheat because having sex feels good; they cheat because having someone begging and wanting you feels good.

I'm with you right up to here. And the reason I'm responding, I think this is very important to the get to the crux of the question.

Let me not generalize, I had sex with a lot of women when I was younger and I didn't care one bit about them begging and wanting me. I wanted to have sex. I enjoy sex, the act of sex, the physical sensations of it, and the exploration of the other person's body. I had fantastic sex with people I didn't like and fantastic sex with people I didn't know at all.

And I think the reason that these threads come up, there are others out there like me. Who enjoy sex for sex, and then, their WS goes out and cheats, and they wind up with all these questions. And fundamentally, it's because we look at it from our viewpoint; if I'd cheated, sex with be the #1, 2 and 3 things I'd be looking for in that relationship. If it sucked, I'd find a different AP. And yes, as hard as this is to hear, there are significant differences between partners, and some sex I've had was "do not repeat" because it just wasn't fun.

So, if you come at it from that viewpoint, perhaps it makes it more clear why some hang up on this. 95% of my interactions with women as a young man were for sex, and it wasn't to get my ego validated, it was to get my... Well, let's not say it, but, trust me when I say, my ego was just fine. It was for the experience of sex with a new woman (which always heightened the experience) and to get the physical feelings that sex gives me. Can it be more than that? Yes, of course it can, but, for me anyway, it almost never was. Sex was sex, pretty much until I met my wife, I never really coupled sex and love. My wife is the one who conflated the 2 for me, and honestly, I wish she hadn't. I enjoyed sex a lot more when it was just an expression of desire and attraction to another person, not love. I know that's not what people want to hear, but it's the truth for me. And, because of that, I look at my W's A sex and think, wow, that sounds fantastic, and he must have been pretty darn good to have all that sex with you. Is it true? Probably not. But it's what I think, and I think it's what a lot of other BS's think when they hear their formerly "off sex" partner goes and conducts a porn shoot every time they are with the AP.

Ripped

I think your copy and paste didn't work.

But it's what I think, and I think it's what a lot of other BS's think when they hear their formerly "off sex" partner goes and conducts a porn shoot every time they are with the AP.

If you break down what an affair really is, it is unlikely it looks anything like a porn shoot (mine didn't). Its two people who have no morals or values, sneaking, lying and hiding and usually having sex in cramped and or undesirable places. I don't know why affair sex (the act of it) is made out to seem better than any other sex. The only thing that could make it different, is that at first it is new and and there is anticipation. But after the first few times, it really is just sex. I think for the OP his wife had sex for two years with her AP several times a week. I don't know how that could keep an excitement or porn star like action.

Pink

If the sex was not great why did my wife have sex with him several times per week for two years ? She said she had only occasional romantic feelings for him?

pinkpggy, That's any easy question to answer. It's the sex that I wasn't getting!!! It HAD to be better for her/him to risk all that would happen. It's all the forbidden (at least to me) acts performed. It's the pain and destruction it HAD to be better otherwise why do it???

JMO YMMV

Candy

My wife cheated on me but never turned me down for sex. She gave me all the sex I wanted and gave me all the types of sex I wanted. I was happy with our sex life.

I am pretty sure she was happy with our sex life too as she never complained.

If you break down what an affair really is, it is unlikely it looks anything like a porn shoot (mine didn't).

My wife's did. And it's not that unusual. No, it's not every time or all A's, that's for sure. But this issue is common enough that there are thousands of posts on here about it. And my W would tell you "it wasn't a porn shoot", but, if you look at what they really did when they saw each other and the acts they did together, it's far more "porn shoot" than it is Gone With the Wind.

It HAD to be better for her/him to risk all that would happen. It's all the forbidden (at least to me) acts performed.

Yup. And I'm not sure if you meant it this way, but I think you've hit on something here. My WW knew the AP was taking a huge risk being with her, so yeah, better bring out the "good stuff" to keep him coming back. I'm sure that was somewhere in her mind (as she's claimed, millions of times, that the sex wasn't that great even though that's about all they did together). But, here's the rub; I'm taking a HUGE risk being with her after this. A whole lot bigger than the risk the AP was taking messing around on his wife to be with her. Am I not worth the "good stuff" too?

Every affair is different. I'm not sure what the "good stuff" is? Anal, oral, etc, all of which I never have denied my own husband and did with him while I was in my affair. I think for my AP it may have seemed like a porn shoot because I was only the the 2nd person he ever had had intercourse with, I am attractive, I wore sexy bra's and panties, lace thongs, etc I looked good and he was turned on very easily. He said the sex was mind blowing(the 20 second thrust session). Not so much for me....

You would have to ask your wife why for 2 years did she give sex to another man? I'm not saying she didn't enjoy the sex, sex gives pleasure. I'm just saying that it is sex, and she was getting it at home too. She was getting something from it for it to continue for two years, it made her feel a certain way. Powerful, youthful, desired, wanted, craved, etc. It is up to her to figure out the WHY? Why did she value herself so little to give herself to another man purely for sex? What did she get from it? Why did she justify it?

I find it hard to believe that she had no emotional attachment to him after 2 years of sex. Unless she has some sort of problem and is a sex addict.

Those are all questions she should be trying to figure out the answers to.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 1:45 PM, September 29th (Saturday)]

I never got any information....so...take it with a grain of salt.

I didn't want sex details ever...I knew it was too much...I knew it would make it a deal breaker for me...like loss of appetite...I would hate sex with him.... I could guess what happened...

You cant unknow...YOu cant know if its true...they could even lie and say it was great, to further hurt you...

You basically get nothing...how will you know what is true? ever?

See? my attitude? that's why I didn't need to know...its forever for me...I know this...

It doesn't go away for me..and yes, I hated sex with him...forever.....we are Ding...

I believed that most of the experience is in the cheaters head...the fantasy...the thrill...the ego …...they believe what they tell themselves...they believe what they need to believe... in reality, sometimes, many times, the AP is very lacking.

It hurt me more, to know they went looking for it...and I meant nothing during that time..AP can be a tool for masturbation....when feelings get involved, it is a whole different story....feelings toward me, feelings toward AP. Fulfilling WH needs..... It took me a long time to feel this way...OW was 20 years younger...I felt everything was better, in every way....Im sure WH did too....In the end, they are both broken...now Im broken, but at least I have morals and character.At least I know for sure, that WH has issues, His sex with other women, had nothing to do with me, or our sex. My body....it was all about his needs...his wants....his desires...he likes new....he feels successful...

these comparisons lighten up..as time passes.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 4:31 PM, September 29th (Saturday)]

I pink and Bigger cast a LOT of light on this subject. I'm writing to add a couple of thoughts.

First, the size of most parts of our anatomy is pretty immutable. I can change my weight, but I can't change my height. As far as I know, penis size can't be changed significantly. It really behooves us to get comfortable and accept who and what we are - and changing our attitudes towards ourselves can change our effectiveness in many areas.

IOW, if you want to be a good lover, love - or at least accept - yourself as you are.

******************

My W says she wanted sex with ow to be as good as it was with me. Sex has gotten better since d-day, although we're both getting hit with limitations due to age. Still, a couple of days without something going on is about all either of is willing to accept. I wish we knew 30 years ago what we know now, though....

*****************

If your WS tells you sex wasn't that great or was just 'different,' and you don't accept those answers, unless there's something in your WS's specific non-verbal communications that say s/he's lying, your self-talk is probably the cause of your angst.

*****************

[This message edited by sisoon at 5:45 PM, September 29th (Saturday)]

Sisoon

"Different" is a terrible answer because it could mean equally as good or even better in some ways. If the sex with BS was better than AP and the WS is not totally clear about that they should be locked up for stupidity.

Let me put on my female wayward hat for a moment.

I looked forward to having sex with my AP, actually couldn't wait. He was much less handsome than my H who people say looks like the late JFK Jr. He was very out of shape and over weight. And I can't tell you about penis size because he had ED with me. Every time. My AP actually would say, "This cannot be fun for you. I'm sorry." I'd say it was fine and easily have an orgasm through manual methods. This is all 100% truth.

(I knew my AP felt guilt, but because I hated my H but was too f-ed up to confront him with that fact, I did not feel guilt about my H during my RA. I did feel guilt about the AP's W and all our kids, and that was ultimately why I ended the A. My AP, on the other hand, never admitted to any guilt, but his body told the tale. And by the way, my stomach is CHURNING right now as I type these details! I want to throw up! A remorseful wayward feels very, very ill when they look back on the callous, selfish disregard of the A. Who the hell was I??? The shame is an acid that will forever burn my soul. I am pushing through the gut churning acid to type this. I absolutely hate getting in this time machine. Awful.)

So, you all have a good time with the facts of my situation. Why did I keep going back? Why did I look forward to it? If it's allllllll about better partners, better sex, and better d$cks, then explain me to me. I'd love to see you try.

And as a p.s., I put tons of effort in to these encounters--sexy bras and undies, thigh high nylons, scented lotions.

To get this ^^^^^ guy who offered no penetrative sex and obviously loved his W and family.

And soooooo???? Explain me.

To answer your question about if sex is ruined after D-Day for BS, for me it is up and down. We always had really good sex before his As. I’m more adventurous than my WH in bed. He has low self-esteem so I think part of his affair fantasy was feeling like he was better than his AP. Either way, we both thought we had really good sex before A.

After the A, it really depends on the day. If I’m having a good day and I feel like he is doing the right thing and we are connecting then we have great sex. No lovemaking. I will never open myself like that again to him. It will always be just sex for me. It’s odd, because I can feel all my feelings shut down when I have sex with him. Must be an unconscious defense mechanism. If I’m obsessing about his As then I find sex is challenging. Sometimes I can’t orgasm because I feel his APs are in my head. Times like that it sucks. On days I can get them out of my head, we have really great sex. I would say that when we have sex these days, 75% of the time it is really good. The other 25% is me trying to power through mentally or push those whores out of my head. I’ll admit that a few times I had to actually close my eyes and pretend he was someone else. That worked too.