SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is actually not an uncommon tactic. It rarely works to keep a marriage together.

- What makes an open, poly or non-monogamous relationship work or not work?

Honesty, absolutely on point communication skills between the primary partners, a dedication to the relationship with the primary first and foremost, and a shared desire between the two of you for an open relationship. Which is why open relationships rarely work after an affair, ongoing or not. One partner has already shown that they are not honest, don't communicate openly and honestly, and only one of you wanted an open relationship. Although in truth, I think you'll find your WW doesn't really want an open relationship, she wants to screw around.

My Ex, after years of ignoring me sexually, suggested we try swinging with another couple we were friends with. They were what are called soft swappers. Not coincidentally, she had been exchanging flirty texts with the husband leading up to this suggestion. When I pointed out that swinging would destroy our marriage as it required excellent communication and she wasn't honest, she merely told me that she was sure she could handle seeing me with another woman. She didn't care at all that I said it would destroy us, which just shows you how much she actually cared about "us."

So what happened? Accepting that the marriage was over I agreed that she could pursue the "relationship." Up to this point, since I had not shown any interest in swapping the other wife had not really shown an interest in me as more than a friend. Once she became aware that my ex was proposing we swapped, the other wife became very interested. That's when everything went to hell because of course my ex was most certainly not ok with seeing me with another woman or even having another woman express interest. Her husband was also not really ok with it, because when his wife showed interest she showed a lot of interest. It was actually almost comical to watch their attitudes change, and I'm not going to lie, it was a nice ego boost for me.

You have the same situation going on here. She's already shown you that she doesn't value your relationship above all others as she isn't willing to end the relationship with the other man while you guys discuss the rules of this new open marriage. But since you're determined to give it a try, your first step is as another poster has already pointed out, a shared dinner with the other man and his wife. If they are truly in an open marriage, that won't be a problem. If they won't have dinner with the two of you, then you're

being BS'd.

- What was your personal experience?

I have known multiple people attempt this and often after an indiscretion by one in the M. It generally doesn't work, and honestly is dangerous, and puts the whole family at risk.

- What makes an open, poly or non-monogamous relationship work or not work?

Truth, Honesty, Boundaries that are respected and followed.

- How can I get over my insecurity and work with my jealousy as my wife builds an emotional and sexual relationship with another man?

I don't know that you can. I wouldn't be able to get over the fact that my H had a girlfriend and found her more enjoyable, and fun to be around than me. Now if it's just for sex, maybe that works, but again, I think it's more of a unicorn (a myth) than a horse.

- What do you think I will need to know or feel in order to decide if this is right for me and us?

You need to figure out immediately what your boundaries are, and what the consequences of breaking those boundaries will be. And brother, I don't mean to be harsh, but I guarantee you she is having sex, and you need to use protection. You also both need to be set up for 6 month testing until this has ended for a year. HPV causes cancer (ask Michael Douglas and Eddie Van Halen) HIV is something that you can live with now, but the meds are really expensive even with good insurance. Hepatitis often leads to liver failure, and often you don't know you have it until you are really quite ill.

For these reasons alone, I would encourage you to PROTECT YOURSELF first and foremost. From there you can choose what you want to do.

Is she the only one that is able to be in this open M, or are you encouraged to do the same? (Careful if this is the case she is just trying to even the playing field).

Lastly if you have not seen an attorney yet, you need to. YOU need to know how going along with this effects you should you need to D, and you also need to understand your options right now and later. You can not make an informed choice without information.

Be very careful about thinking your relationship has somehow magically been rekindled. Lots of BS's do this when the sex ticks up, and it ticks up out of a natural desire to rebuild the bond. But the bond is broken since she has lied to you, and not proven to you that she is being honest now. You haven't been given enough time to know if she is.

I would encourage you to stick around, and keep reading here. Open M's are just permission to cheat many times.

The only open M that I have seen work started off as one with firm ground rules and no "playtime" away from each other. That is the only relationship where it has worked.

Since I told her I am open to this, she has opened up to me in ways I have not experienced since we were first dating. She is loving and sexual with me

Also Anxious... have you done any reading on hysterical bonding? It's fairly common after infidelity for the sexual connection between the BS/WS to hyper-increase in intensity and frequency. I went through this too.

The thing is... HB doesn't usually last. It can fluctuate for a few weeks or months, but it generally isn't a long term thing. And it can really mess with your head. You have just been dealt an incredible trauma and it can sure feel like 'reconnection', but it isn't real. It is a trauma response - think like... sometimes people get super horny after attending a funeral or surviving a traumatic experience. Only in this case, the funeral was for your marriage.

I just wanted to let you know to do some independent reading on the HB phenomenon - I thought I was losing my mind when I was going through it!

as for "close-mindedness"...

“Merely having an open mind is nothing. The object of opening the mind, as of opening the mouth, is to shut it again on something solid.” ~G.K. Chesterton

I find having a closed mind on the right things, like a steel trap, is the way to go. And on the subject of marriage that's the way I think.

It seems you do too, but you're twisting yourself into painful knots to make yourself into something you're not and never will be.

[This message edited by Thumos at 4:43 PM, November 2nd (Monday)]

What makes an open, poly or non-monogamous relationship work or not work?

Two things:

1. Absolute transparent honesty, by both partners.

2. Mutual desire at an equal level, by both partner, for this type of relationship.

Based on your posts to date, you have neither. Instead, your WW is presenting you with a Hobson's Choice: accept an open marriage, or have no marriage. I've never seen that work.

However, I do hear the anguish in your posts. I know you are desperate to stay with this woman and I recognize that, in dire circumstances, people can find happiness in ways that don't make sense to the rest of us. I'm reminded of that classic move "The Deer Hunter" where the Christopher Walken character becomes a legendary champion at Russian Roulette, finding happiness and even a sense of accomplishment at not shooting himself in the head.

I wish you the best, but really, I have no advice to offer other than to pay careful attention to what your heart tells you, keeping in mind that the heart is often a great deceiver when it faces fear.

There are websites dedicated to polygamy and open marriages. Survivinginfidelity is not one of those sites. Perhaps you'll find more support elsewhere.

If you do this you will extinguish any self respect you may have left.

I want you to tell your WW to go onto Reddit's polyamory subreddit and tell them how she realized she was poly. Tell her it's full of like-minded people like her who will embrace her and give her guidance and tips.

And then watch them chew her up and spit her out.

True poly people despise waywards that use the poly term to cheat.

Your wayward wife isn't poly. She's simply a cheater.

Cheaters are in fantasy land and only want and care about what they want and an open relationship serves its purpose to them, and a betrayed spouse is in panic and overwhelmed and in that mindset may (consider to) go against his or her core values, does that sound like a healthy dynamic and good basis for an open marriage to you? Or a recipe for disaster?

The open relationship thing also was on the table in my case after the cheating of my now ex, I am happy that I did not do it.

I can imagine myself being willing to consider and discuss an open relationship (not saying I would do it), but only if my partner would be bisexual and I cannot meet specific needs or if I would be unable to perform anymore, and only if discussed upfront and certainly not after being betrayed.

Best wishes

The only case I’m familiar with in real life of an open relationship involved a wife who eventually left her husband to be with her fuck buddy. You can imagine how that went down.

I'm guessing your wife sees you as less than her when it comes to sexual attractiveness. She either hasn't really thought about you being with other women or doesn't believe you will attract others.

I personally wouldn't consider this AFTER they had already been doing it. But if I were you I would sit down with her and see if she truly understands that open means both of you and not just her.

People who cheat tend to be selfish, selfish people don't like to share or they believe thier feelings are more important than those around them.

If you are trying to get guidance on how to change your marriage into an open marriage or how to help you be happy with an open marriage, then this is not the site for you. We are about surviving infidelity.

If you are looking for the experience of successful open marriages, then you won’t find it here. Again – this is an infidelity site so by default contributors have gone through betrayal.

Brother,

What ever you can accept out of love for a person who has no respect for herself and her husband.

But if she couldn't accept the marriage boundaries and started banging her friends? Then why will she keep to them when you are out with a beautiful woman who isn't your wife? Will she be ok with her staying home with the children whilst you get dressed up to meet your new partner?

Nah but good luck

One day at a time.

There are websites dedicated to polygamy and open marriages. Survivinginfidelity is not one of those sites. Perhaps you'll find more support elsewhere.

Ok my friend. I won't conjecture what you wife is. If you want to believe she will not give this guy up and that they have not had sex, so be it. But you can take it to the bank they will. While you sit home.

I suggest you read a book called "More Than Two". For us on SI, the book "Not Just Friends" is the most mentioned go to book. For open marriages the book I suggested is similar.

You are already in an open marriage. She has a boyfriend, and you are accepting it because you are now getting laid more often. But this book I suggest, written by someone who it totally in to non monogamy, will tell you that you have just agreed to something that certainly has the potential to end your marriage rather than save it, and clearly states coercion does not bode well for your odds.

Heres a few things that are likely to occur in your future

(1) married women who are in open marriages are like catnip to guys. And once you have accepted it, she has already told you that she was going to talk to you about this but didn't, there is not turning back. If it doesn't work out with this guy, do not expect her not to hit the dating sites.

(2) she is already emotionally attached to this OM. So lets assume she has not had sex with him. Once she does, and she will, next will come overnights if they havent started already, then week ends, and she may even want you to meet him. They call it "compersion". You should be happy for giving her happiness.

(3) she may even decide she wants more than just him, and start going to meet ups for people in this lifestyle.

How does all that sound to you???? If the answer is its all good to stay married to her, then plow ahead. Just remember, in her mind once you have said yes, she is not going to abide by your boundaries once she gets even more emotionally involved. If you read the book, you will understand it but you are not going to get much advice on how to navigate that here. The overwhelming percentage of people here would rather jump off a bridge than agree to what you are doing.

As UNHINGED stated, I say you are on the wrong forum.

If you change your mind i am sure you will get support.

The overwhelming percentage of people here would rather jump off a bridge than agree to what you are doing.

I would rather scoop out my own eyes with a spoon.

BeyondRage for the win.

If you’re going to go through the effort of dating again, you might as well do it as a single man and have more options.

When I've seen it work it was an OPEN marriage, that is everything is done with mutual consent and all the details are shared.

There are no secret affairs and the bond between the husband and wife is stronger than to any of their sex partners. They don't bring their emotions into the orgy room nor do they form attachments.

I think your WW however wants an OPEN marriage for herself and a CLOSED marriage for you. It seems you have already become 2nd or 3rd on her love list. She might view you as a father, provider, handyman and husband, but not as her lover or intimate confidant.

Can you really think of yourself at home with the kids while your WW is with someone else, it's a horrible feeling.

Another point is that your children need one living parent, and if your WW gives you and herself some fatal STD from the promiscuous group she is getting with......

On the other hand you could play along gather a list of names and expose the hell out of them. Were my W to ask I think I would go that way.

Not sure what else you want me to say. I feel like I gave you some very good advice from an open/poly perspective on your other post.

You ask what you should be doing about your feelings. What is your wife doing to rebuild trust? There are so many issues here that I don't feel like now is the time to try and reprogram your fundamental beliefs on relationship structure.

GoldenR is right, by the way. Polyamory is about ETHICAL nonmonogamy. Polyamorists do not tolerate cheaters, period.

[This message edited by PSTI at 11:01 PM, November 2nd (Monday)]

Also just wanted to bring up that it seems like this would not be the best place for you to get the kind of advice you are seeking.

If you're coming at this starting with trying to make rules, you have already lost, my friend. You can't make those kind of rules in a healthy adult relationship. If you need to make them, you've already lost. And it sounds like if you don't make them, you've already lost. You might want to think about that.

My partners and I have a number of agreements but it honestly boils down to exactly one that summarizes them all- don't be an asshole. And if we don't trust our partners not to be assholes, then why are we with them?