SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

humantrampoline Well, she asked for something back that she gave him. I know this is something real because I threw it the fuck out.

Mine was years later also. I don't understand. Her tone was so cool and casual and friendly too. Of course my WH would do her a favor, right? And the favor made no sense.

Later, past the panic, there was a heavier feeling that set in. Just get past the panic and don't do anything rash right now. I did, and it didn't help.

Seriously?! Think about it. It's 2 years later. She doesn't want it. She wants attention and a reply.

[This message edited by humantrampoline at 3:54 PM, August 3rd (Tuesday)]

stubbornft You are right. That is probably what he would do. If I'm going to answer her, it will go two ways.

#1 I would say "This is XX, Fuck off, Anything you gave him is in the garbage years ago"

or

#2 Pretend I'm him. Try to get some of the info I am missing.

Yes!! I know I shouldn't do anything but damn, it is tempting. This bitch was in the middle of my marriage for 20 years!

Plus if he does not answer her there, she could very easily just text him and I wouldn't see that conversation at all.

[This message edited by NorthernMSB at 4:03 PM, August 3rd (Tuesday)]

Plus if he does not answer her there, she could very easily just text him and I wouldn't see that conversation at all.

Do you have access to his phone?

So why not give your WH the chance to do the right thing and find out for sure?

If you have made it clear that the AP contacting him and him not telling you is grounds for a divorce, why not let it play out? It's better than talking to her and her giving him a heads up. Then you wouldn't know what he would do.

It would be an answer.

I do have access to his phone but if you message on an iPhone and delete it; it is gone and the number does NOT show up on the bill.

I am going to let it play out. But it is really hard.

The way the account is set up, you will have no idea whether he responded or not?

That is tough.

What I was trying to point out is how he reacts to the message is more important than the message itself being sent or how she reacts to a response to the message.

I fully think that if this is a hard boundary for you, you should put into place something to find out -- var, software, cameras, whatever. Knowledge is power.

[This message edited by humantrampoline at 4:36 PM, August 3rd (Tuesday)]

I do think you should give him the opportunity to respond so you can see how he reacts. Did he ever send a NC letter? If not, you could tell him you found this message and you want him to send her something stating that she can fuck off and die (or whatever the mature wording of such a thing is).

NorthernMSB do you feel you are reconciled? Do you feel that your husband has been NC?

When FWH and I decided to reconcile and really work for it, we decided we were going to be a team. The OW in our sitch was a bit of a bunny boiler who stalked/phished for both of us for years. We needed a united front against OW. OW tried manipulating both of us and play us off each other.

I personally do not care for "tests" or games in reconciliation. We must be authentic. We must be honest.

However, if you are having some gut feelings I would, of course, go with that.

SisterMilkshake We are reconciled to staying together. He has been no contact. I don't have any "gut feelings" but do not want to be made a fool of again.

This is the first time as far as I know that she has reached out to him. I am curious how he will react as anyone would be. You might call it a test but if this has not happened since the whole thing went down, how do I know if he will keep his word before now?

Authentic is a pipe dream. I'M not even authentic at this point. I will take him telling me the truth.

[This message edited by NorthernMSB at 4:59 PM, August 3rd (Tuesday)]

Authentic is a pipe dream. I'M not even authentic at this point. I will take him telling me the truth.

Ouch. I feel this so hard. There would be no testing or suspicion if not for the affair. It just doesn't seem wise to me now if I trust and don't let a thing like this play out. I'm not "reconciled" though, and I don't know if I could totally bring it up without any doubt if I ever were.

Authentic is a pipe dream. I'M not even authentic at this point.

I am saddened or confused or both by this.

If you aren't your authentic self, who are you? How do you know what you need? How do you know what you want?

This is just ME, but I’d probably tell him I saw where the AP had messaged him. I personally think no response is the best response. Also, I’d be taking full advantage of that block button.

Well, I thought about it. Spoke to my sister and took the advice here about no games or tests and handling it together...

Well that backfired beyond belief. I showed it to him. And showed him my watch face and how I reacted. Told him I thought my heart was jumping out of my chest when I saw her name.

He told me he would answer her later. I said no, that would not be acceptable. We had a deal that if she texted or contacted him in any way he would show me and not answer at all or we would handle it together. Well, he blew the fuck up. Told me I wasn’t going to control him. I said so if I ask you not to answer her, you will do it anyway because I can’t control you? He said yes. And that if he had the item she gave him 33 YEARS ago, he would have mailed it back to her.

So. I went back to work and he went into the garage to work out. I feel a little like I’m going to throw up and any progress we have made is gone.

I don't know what he is going to do.

[This message edited by NorthernMSB at 6:04 PM, August 3rd (Tuesday)]

I'm posting in OP's post and can't speak for her.

It was recent that my WH had a conversation about the fact that I'm lying now and not revealing my feelings or actions. That's true. I never did that before in my marriage. I suck at it. If I don't feel safe, I won't be my authentic self. We agreed that I will spy when I want, and my honesty will be saying that I am not willing to tell him what I feel. It is the most authentic I can be right now.

It is sad. I do not trust my WH.

Oh wow! I posted this earlier. I am so sorry. His reaction says everything. You know now. You know how he feels about your marriage and about you and himself and her.

[This message edited by humantrampoline at 6:06 PM, August 3rd (Tuesday)]

humantrampoline. Yep. That is it exactly. But he mocks me about checking up on him. I don't do it much anymore, thought I had moved on.

I feel like a fucking idiot again. I know he didn't ask her to text but his reaction and refusal to see how much this hurts me makes me feel stupid. How could I possibly have thought we made any progress moving beyond this.

Stupid.

I'm so sorry, but you do know that this is him and not you. He has something very wrong inside himself to believe that this is ok.

Don't beat yourself up. You are a good person. You did everything that you could here.

Do you have an in-person friend or trusted family member to talk to right now?

[This message edited by humantrampoline at 6:22 PM, August 3rd (Tuesday)]

I still think YOU did the right thing. HE did not respond in the right way.

That would be a hard one for me. Isn’t it crazy how long it takes to fill the trust bucket back up, and only a split second to completely empty it?

I’m so sorry he is being a (since we are in the R forum) silly goose.

I don't know what he is going to do.

What are YOU going to do? FUCK him.

Yes. What a silly, silly goose.

I was ready to let go with a string of more appropriate profanities and get perma-banned, but I don't know what purpose that serves. Unless you want me to NorthernMSB ? Then I'll do it.