SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I cant imagine what you are going through, sending big hugs and support to you all.

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I truly feel for anyone going through this. I can't imagine it once it is out. Kuddos to those that can stay. If i ever find out mine did, well let's just say it would be over faster than i could speak the words "GET OUT"!!!

it is bitter sweet to have a thread dedicated to this topic.

i wish we didn't need one and that i didn't have to post here.

as some of you know already, the OW is pregnant, i recently saw with my own eyes. don't know if it's my H but i think likely. her condition seems to fit with the timing.

we are trying to R and have gone NC.

she has told many people about my H involvement, people that are just acquaintances of ours, not even close friends, what a b**ch!!!!

what did we ever do to bring this crap down upon ourselves??!!

i watch other couples together and it brings tears to my eyes wishing that i had that innocence left.

i agree with you 25wimsey, it is discouraging to read all the D's associated with this.

Thank god for this thread - it's what I came to SI looking for! I am in the same situation. My WH had 2 month EA followed by a 3 month PA. I was blind to everything going on. Never again! He and the OW ended the A at the end of 8/05. A few weeks later she called him to say she is pregnant. After a doctor confirmed it, he partially confessed to me. A few weeks after that the entire story came out. I am obviously upset about the OC. I am 39 and have wanted a baby for the last 4 years.

At the risk of upsetting some of you, I have to state that for our situation, we do not plan any contact w/ the OC if it does turn out to be my H's. We are R and both in IC. There are only two people in a marriage and although a child is involved neither one of us want the OW in and out of like on a whim. We've been through too much of that with the OW. We will be financially responsible, again if it's his.

At this point, our attorney has informed us that she has to sue my H for paternity after the birth (NY law). We have no actual proof she actually is pregnant (no test result copies, etc.) other than her word (which counts for nothing w/ me). Neither one of us has seen her and my H is NC w/ OW.

I hope I didn't upset anyone. I just had to get my situation off my chest in a forum where everyone truly understands what hell it really is. Thank you for "listening".

bumping for new members

One of the reasons he is now living with OW is because of OC. While trying to R, OW would not allow me anywhere near OC. That is a strain because it is a whole dimension of his life that I can have nothing to do with.

Yes, it would have been hard to build a relationship with a child that is a constant reminder of what they did but if R was going to happen, I would need to deal with it.

He wants to be a father to this child but OW was making it difficult. I truly believe that is the only reason he's with her, however, I could just be a fool.

Thank you, Tonya, for starting this thread. I didn't know it was here. I know there are a lot of us who have had to deal with it and it is painful. It's hard enough dealing with the A, but then to find out that our WS's got the OW pregnant, it's like salt in the wound.

I found out about the A and the pregnancy at the same time. I didn't find out from my DH. I found out from one of my co-workers. Seems I was the last to know.

I assumed that the pregnancy was an OOPSIE and was bitching at my DH about not using a condom. He told me later, when we were at Wal-mart, that he got her pregnant on purpose! He's telling me that she wanted a boy and "her husband can't make boys." The xOW and her H have one child and she happens to be a girl. I guess if they had had a boy she would've wanted a girl because then her husband wouldn't be able to make girls.

Our situation is different because the OW was also married and according to the law of Pennsylvania, any child born in a marriage is considered a child of that marriage. She can't come after my DH for a paternity test nor CS and he has no rights to see the child. Even if it would be my DH's child it would still be seen as her H's child in the eyes of the state.

I'm not even sure if she really was pregnant. There was never anything in our local paper in the birth announcements. And even though this is a small county I haven't been able to find anyone who knows her and can find out for me. I would not put anything past her in making up the pregnancy, especially because of some of the crap she has pulled.

Even though my DH and I have rebuilt our marriage and moved on with our life together, there are times when I wonder about this possible OC.

healedandhappy

i notice that your dday was awhile ago. how have you managed to successfuly R? i am struggling with this.

even though by all appearances WH is doing all the right things, i am thinking "am i stupid for staying in this M? what will he do/think when OC is born?."

i fell that i still love him but those feelings are getting confused. hard to explain. is this normal?

need advice desperately!!!

Cat33, I too am wondering what H will think once OC is born. I forget, when is your OC due?

We're doing pretty well, still discussing issues around his first visit with OC. Am sort of in a holding pattern right now--we're moving next week and it's crazy around here.

My H is doing the "right" things too--but I feel like the other shoe will drop soon and hit me in the head! All I can say is keep talking, don't get too discouraged, and wait and see.

I don't think we're stupid for trying to stay in the M and reconcile--it's the hardest thing to do, if it works out it will be worth it, and we can say we gave it our all.

I thought that these should have a place in this thread.

1. Dna results must be established and your H should hire an atty immediately if he hasn't already done so. DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ON YOUR OWN ONLY THROUGH AN ATTORNEY SKILLED IN FAMILY LAW.

2. If you have children of your own with your h take steps to protect them and yourself by filing for a psuedo legal separation; because in the case of child support, he who files first gets the most (in most states). It doesn't matter one bit which child came first only who files for support first. So if she files first she gets an amount based on his entire income and if you then separated/divorced your child support would be based on a percentage of his income less what he's already paying her. Makes sense to protect yourself by filing for a separation that way if you and your husband divorce you will benefit more and if you stay together it will keep more money in your household. Even if you're financially self-sufficient you should still consider setting up a child support order because in these uncertain times you never know what tomorrow will bring i.e. corporate downsizing, etc. It never hurts to have that order in place even if you don't need it now. Also consider having alimony set up in the separation papers as it can also reduce the ow's child support order.

3. Visitation with possible oc or sending money to the ow for the oc is a no-no until dna has been established and the courts are involved. Everything should be done legally as it's the only way to protect you and your family. Trust me on this one. There are couples out there who have been dealing with an oc for several years. Visitation, money, etc. only to discover that the child is NOT his. They are embroiled in a huge legal battle because the wayward husband "assumed" parental responsibilty of the child.

4. Depending on which state you live in your h could be responsible for back child support, internment (costs of labor and delivery), the costs of the dna test if it's positive, current medical coverage and also a portion of child care costs. Any money that passes hands before a court order is made or before an attorney draws up a legal document signed by both parties may be considered a gift and may not be deducted from the back support amount owed. Some states base child support payments on both the husband and the wives income (another good reason to file for a legal separation). In other words the 'household income' is what they use to determine those payments not just the husbands income.

5. Any decisions to have contact with the oc if it is indeed your H's should be made by both of you. He should not be imposing his wants upon you if you want no contact. ANY decisions made regarding the possible oc should be made jointly. Your H should not be having any contact with ow unless you are both completely involved. That means no phone calls, no text messages, no emails, no meetings, nothing and NO SECRETS! PERIOD! But if you're smart--DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ON YOUR OWN ONLY THROUGH AN ATTORNEY SKILLED IN FAMILY LAW.

6. Work on your marriage first and foremost before you even consider having contact. A weakened marriage will only be further weakened if you throw the tension of an oc into the mix. Get into marriage counseling and IC if possible. You can look around this board and see how difficult reconciliation is without an oc so take things slowly and think through them very carefully.

7. Contact with oc is a very personal choice. Many women are able to make the decision to go down that road while others are not. There is a lot of drama that goes along with contact, it's not an easy path to choose. Also consider that visitation can be started at any time down the road. If say in two years you are then open to the idea of contact the child won't have suffered if your husband wasn't involved for the first couple years. It won't even know the difference.

8. Remember that if the oc is indeed your husband's child the ow will no longer hold all the cards. If the two of you want contact she can't prevent it. She can't prevent you from being involved, etc. She can't call all the shots, only the courts can. Once she decides to attach paternity to your husband she is forfeiting a portion of her parental rights.

9. Make sure that you dot your i's and cross your t's in the form of legal documents. If you're adamant about no contact, have it in the papers. If you want to prevent her from making contact with your children or extended family put it in the paperwork. If your H is responsible for a portion of child care costs require ow to only use a licensed child care provider which will prevent her from having her momma watch and claim she's charging $150.00 a week.

10. Protect your financial assets such as homes, etc. If you don't have a will get one now. If anything were to happen to your ws the ow would be able to fight you for a portion of everything if indeed the oc is his. Many people create a will that specifically excludes the oc or they leave the oc some small stipend such as a dollar so that the old "he forgot to include me" argument can't be used. If you intend to have a relationship with the oc should dna confirm that it's your H's then this is all a moot point.

[This message edited by Me&my3 at 12:34 PM, December 22nd (Thursday)]

I agree with Me&my3. Your WH's should not agree to anything until they consult with a lawyer. A paternity test should be done ASAP. You also need to know how the law works in your state.

It's a damn good thing that I'm smarter than my DH and the cOW. Right after I found out about the A she just had to see him to talk about child care.

She wanted him to pay for child care rather than having him pay CS. Oh, she also came up with the brilliant idea that he could watch the baby while she worked. She is such a conniving twit.

If PA didn't have the law that they do, I don't know if I could've stayed with him. The Trouser Troll would've constantly tried to wedge herself into our life.

cat33, what does your H plan to do with regards to the OC? Have the two of you discussed this? This isn't just between him and the OW. You're very much involved with this too. I know that some of these OW's would love it if the BW would fall off the planet and leave them with a clear playing field. I think that's what the TT was hoping would happen with us. She soon found out that she was wrong.

we have discussed it several times, how can you not? it just lays there between you.

my H has decided to go NC right after d-day and, by all accounts, has remianed that way.

he has decided that NC is best for everyone involved at this point.

he is choosing our family.

obviously, if support is requested, we will provide it after proof of paternity.

i saw the OW about 3-4 weeks ago, by accident, and she is definitely pregnant. the timing appears to fit what H has told me. this was devastating to say the least.

a few of H's friends that know, and knew her, are saying, "she got what she wanted" whatever that means.

by my calcs. she would be due sometime in april.

we are in MC which is very helpful but have been having a bit of a bad patch recenlty.

any advice?

If you have kids you have to do everything to protect your own kids, especially financially.

I've never had to deal with CS issues, but a friend of mine did. Her WH had an A with a OW who was separated from her H and now he has to pay CS. They take a HUGE amount of money from his paycheck. They don't have children of their own, and with the amount that is taken from his check they probably can't afford to have any. It has caused a lot of stress on their marriage since her income is what is supporting them.

You and your H need to have a game plan with which you both are comfortable and in agreement. You have to work together as a team.

It sounds like the OW is respecting the NC. It could be that all she wanted was a child and might not want him involved in any way. The OW in my friend's case was and is the Psycho Bitch from Hell.

All you can do now is wait and see what happens, which I know is hard. In the meantime concentrate your energy on rebuilding yourselves and your marriage.

Big hugs to all of you dealing with such a hard situation. I wanted to bump this up to make sure it stays on Page 1 so you may all get the support you need.

Thanks for bumping--this is the first place I look when I log onto SI.

No news here re:OC--still due in early Feb. H wants contact with child, I'm willing to try if there is no contact with FOW except re: child. It's going to be hard I know--and I hope to hear from others about any tips for making it as successful as possible.

Talk about a club noone wants to be a member of!

I agree, wish I didn't need this thread. The OC is due some time in March. The whole thing just makes me sick. We have had nc with OW so we don't know anything. The thought of having to hand a good chunk of my H salary over to her pisses me off. We have three children of our own and I can't imagine 23% going to her to support a child. I know it's my H too but she told him she couldn't get pregnant. Did this on purpose and I am so angry.

This is what pisses me off. Both the OW and the WH are usually adults and know how babies are made. What is so damn hard about using birth control? I assumed that the pregnancy was an OOPSIE and asked my DH why he didn't wear a damn condom. His excuse was he doesn't like them. Of course, later on he admitted that he got the xOW pregnant on purpose! I won't even go into how much that pissed me off!

Some of you know my OC situation. Here's the latest...on 12/15 H received a card in the mail w/o a return address. When he got home from work and opened it, would you believe it was a Xmas card (unsigned) from the OW w/ 2 ultrasound pics inside? The pics have her name on them so I have confirmation she's P but not that it's my H's. There were notes all over the pics (# weeks, head circumference, etc.) including "my lil man" written in the margin. And can't forget the post-it that said "your situation". Isn't she a peach? I hate her.

What a skank! What did your H do with the ultasound pictures? That sounds like something my DH's xOW would've done. I'm surprised she didn't.

Healed,

H wanted to toss them. I said no - they could be "evidence". H called lawyer who said that in the legal scheme of things, they don't matter. Fast forward to a few days later, the skank sends an email saying she sent them in anger and to please not destoy them but send them back if he doesn't want them! Can you believe the nerve of this woman? Anyway, I said no, I'm keeping them in case we one day end up sitting down w/ her and her lawyer. I'm sure the lawyer doesn't know what a "Sybil" she is! OW also said that if he sent them back she would add them to the scrapbook she's making for the baby detailing his life before birth and his "father's" non-interest. So, let's get this straight, you (OW) act on an angry impulse, then try to retract it and wrap it all up with an insult. She's certifiable! FYI - at no time did my H say he would not be financially responsible IF it's his. Problem is that OW doesn't understand what NC means and thinks that b/c H won't speak to her that means he is running from the baby. Being financially responsible doesn't mean H has to have a relationship (in any form) with the OW.

To reiterate, I hate this woman.