SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am 3 mths out from my last d-day and mine is still denying it all to me, calling me crazy if I bring it up etc. he is only looking out for himself right now and Honestly I think he wants the house too, the boat is not enough so he is waiting for me to make the next move but I see no changes in him whatsoever. I am lining up my ducks now because I know he will never admit because eh thinks this is the way it is supposed to be with us., him having me and another all the time. Times will be changing things however and I will see him in hell before he gets my house too! Great advise for all Katherine!!

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I think I'm in love with you. Wow! you go girl. You are my new hero.I wish I was more like you.........

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This is really amazing!! Thank you so much. I just found out that I was in a false R, and this post just really makes me feel better about my decision to stick to my guns and kick him out!

Excellent post. I'm having a really "down" day and this is just what I needed...thanks.

for the new members and shockedone.

Hang in there. It gets better.

Thank you Katherine for your words of wisdom. I think about my core needs and it comes down to this ... I just want my life back. His choice took so much away from me. I hate being this sad suspicous, weak person. I believe he is scared to death to loose me, but our lives will never be the same. He said he did it because she made him feel wanted more than I did. Those are his words. I can tell you that I told him many times over our relationship that I didn't feel like he wanted me around, I didn't feel loved. He always laughed and said well I'm hear aren't I, I wouldn't be if I didn't want to be. Now he is throwing my words back at me, expecting me to believe that he has been feeling the same way I have. The difference is I told him and tried to work with him on it. He chose another woman. edbfvguihbadv! I hate him. He knows this and understands. We still have sex constantly, but I tell him it's not at all about him. I am weak and it makes me feel better for a bit but then I usually cry and occasionally get sick after, but I can't seem to control myself. Nothing in my little fucking world is in my control. I don't handle that well. I know I am rambling, but it feels good, even if no one reads it.

Just a bump for our newbies...an excellent post!

I wish I'd had this info 2 years ago.

I would've been able to avoid some false reconciliations and a lot of pain and heartache.

I could've been D'd by now.

I hope it helps others who come here.

[This message edited by Heartless Bytchh at 4:02 AM, February 17th (Sunday)]

katherine,

I guess I had it easy in that my WH never even SUGGESTED R in any way, shape or form. He made it clear right from the start that though he was prepared to stay married to me (and WANTED to), he had no intention of giving up the whore. His desire to stay married was solely for practical reasons.

I was a coward, but also I wanted to stay M for the sake of our young daughter. We did, and the A ended after ten months, but there was no attempt by either me or my WH to work on our M because we both knew it was over.

I feel for those who go through R, or try to. I know there are success stories, but they're rare, and personally, I think it is virtually impossible to completely recover from an A. I read once that it's like the breaking of a Waterford Crystal vase. You can stick the pieces back together, sure, but it will never be the same, never a complete whole. There will always be bits missing, bits about to fall off, bits which don't belong in the right place.

I agree with everything you say, particularly about them lying to the bitter end. That's the problem. You can NEVER believe them once they've taken the road of adultery. Never. Which is why I was glad I didn't go through the pains of attempted R. Yes, some make it (or so they say). But I NEVER could have done. I couldn't trust a man who was prepared to go to the lengths he did just to have his cheap trashy bit on the side.

And so we're separated - and I am SO glad we are. We'd been living a sham of a marriage for years. Good luck to those who try for a R - but you'll need a lot of strength and a lot of patience.

[This message edited by goneforgood at 4:50 AM, February 17th (Sunday)]

Katherine,

This was advice I wished I had back in 1987 when I was pregnant with my first child and my husband admitted to an EA....I just swept it under the rug

I have had about 3 more D-days since then. 22 years of marriage and 3 kids later and in October I found out about a 4 1/2 year EA/PA with another woment as well as massage parlors, prostitutes and more. My WS is extremely remoreseful now....in IC, a sex addict program and MC with me. He is being the perfect remorseful WS, doing everything right.

I can't help but feel I could have skipped all this torment and pain if there was an internet and SI back in 1987.

Very good advice here and it makes my life feel like so much time wasted.....I still ask why was I not enough?

Brilliant post Katherine!

We still have sex constantly, but I tell him it's not at all about him. I am weak and it makes me feel better for a bit but then I usually cry and occasionally get sick after, but I can't seem to control myself. Nothing in my little fucking world is in my control.

WhyNotMe, consider the sex excersiseand that you have chosen that form of excersise. There, you just took control of some excersise!

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this is a SPECIAL BUMP for a good friend in the UK - hope he finds it and it helps him!!!

hugs and kisses!!!

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Wow Katherine...I'm sure I must have read this when you first posted it, but I can't recall.

Being divorced now and making some of these mistakes...here's the one that would have to be most helpful had I thought enough about it at the time:

4. I wish I'd not given a damn if I made WS angry.

I ran around after d-day scared of making stbxh angry at me. Scared that he'd leave me. Ya know what? A remorseful WS isn't going to "leave you" just because they caught you snooping at the caller id on the cell phone. But a lying, still-cheating WS surely will bluster and get all up in arms.

Exactly so. Those of you that are new to this...keep this in mind. Indeed...attempt to make your WS angry. Gauge their reaction. Act accordingly.

bumping for those who need this.

tw

fantstic! I am new so I will try to use it. It is almost as good as the 180.

So glad I read this. I printed it and intend to reread it often.