SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

SAF, I've been following your story. There's a whole lot of good advice here. Hang in there.

You need to get another appointment with the Dr. I can't believe she went without you.

She went on an unrelated matter and cajoled them into doing the scan and examination. The earliest anyone will see her for the actual OB appointment is in three weeks. I told her I need to be there. Waiting for a response.

SAF,

You do not need to do an amino test, There is a new test that can be done at 10-12 weeks with blood samples from the Mom and at least one potential father.

Get the test When she gets to 12 weeks!!!

Non-Invasive Prenatal Paternity (NIPP): A non-invasive prenatal paternity test is the most accurate non-invasive way to establish paternity before the baby is born. The process is state-of-the-art, combining the latest technology and proprietary methods of preserving and analyzing the baby’s DNA found naturally in the mother’s bloodstream. This test requires only a simple blood collection from the mother and alleged father and can be performed any time after the 8th week of pregnancy. The test is 99.9% accurate.

I really feel the support coming from every one of you. Today is going to be a big day. I sent my WW an email outlining some current and future boundaries. It wasn't nearly as strong as most of you would recommend but it's a first and big step for me. Let's see how it goes.

I might step back from the thread over the next day or two. While it has been therapeutic I really really need to get my work done. I'll keep reading but I don't want anyone to worry if you don't hear from me for a short time.

My good friend (unfortunately, another BS who is now divorced) has been an amazing source of support for me. She noted that I said something the other day that I had completely ruled out three weeks ago. I don't even remember ruling it out three weeks ago, so without her I wouldn't be cognizant of ANY progress. Of course, I have a long way to go and my steps have been no more than baby steps. I have both a virtual community and a dear friend helping me through this. Without either one I'd be more of a mess than I am now.

Thanks, everyone. I've been touched by your outpouring of support, advice and even your strong emotions. I'll be back in a day or two. Don't worry, I'm not doing a 180 on all of you. It's obvious that I'm no good at the 180 anyway, so I can pretty much guarantee that I'll be back very soon. Just another attempt at dark humor.

You do not need to do an amino test, There is a new test that can be done at 10-12 weeks with blood samples from the Mom and at least one potential father.

I read about this test and mentioned it to my WW. She said she heard it was pretty much a scam and it was unreliable? Most of the stuff I read online about it comes from companies that sell the service and so I'm not really getting the true facts here. Can you point me to a medical website that talks about this test? We're totally doing it if it's legit. Even that is several weeks away, though. Grrrrr.

SAF,

Your WW is stalling! The test is real and is used every day. Read the links below and go seek out a Doctor and get your own info. Force the issue and get the test.

http://americanpregnancy.org/prenataltesting/paternitytesting.html

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/06/20/health/paternity-blood-tests-that-work-early-in-a-pregnancy.html?pagewanted=all

MC while your wife is still in the A (contact with OM) is waste of time and money.

Then, IMHO, there is only one solution to this mess, She should do an abortion (dont say she wont allow this or its not your type) and go NC with OM and do the heavy lifting, then get some IC, then MC.

If she keeps this child, you are going to be miserable and unhappy for rest of your life, while seeing Om playing with his child and wife. It may not be a big issue for you now but its going to create resentments towards that child and wife as time goes on.

Its easy to say its not a big matter while burning inside.

I found this....looks like the test is expensive, but probably worth it. Otherwise, I would agree with Catwoman's post.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/06/20/health/paternity-blood-tests-that-work-early-in-a-pregnancy.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

Best of luck to you.

E.

Just a thought here, since you do seem to be paralyzed by fear, and have not really moved forward with much, and have mentioned several times that you need to do your work, and not focus on this site.

Your job is obviously important, and it's important to be a steady reliable provider, but the stress you are under and will continue to be for the forseeable future is immense. Because of that I would URGE you to get your FMLA paperwork filled out and filed for intermittent leave over the next year. You are going to need time off, for Dr visits, for your wife, for yourself, and definitely need Mental Health days. This protects your from being fired/let go due to poor performance related to attendance.

Get the packet from HR at your company, and make an appointment with your Dr for STD testing, and discussing the level of stress you are dealing with.

OP has already stated multiple times that abortion is off the table.

Why do people keep bringing this up? Give it a rest, please. It's starting to become offensive. People do have the right to be Pro-Life, regardless if this is his baby or not.

YOu might want to run a background check on the OM -- This know the guy 2 months and planning to get pg even though she is married with two young kids sounds soooo weird. I'd don't know, can't help but think there is something else going on. Like someone was trying to trap the other in the relationship.

Just my two cents -- I had my amino at 11 weeks.

[This message edited by Freeme at 5:46 AM, February 1st (Saturday)]

How are you doing SAF?

How are you doing SAF?

Thanks for asking! Mostly status quo and limbo. Awesome day yesterday with the kids (and WW, but it was a kid-centered day). She's agreed to some pretty obvious groundrules for the time being. I know her decision is coming at some point, at which time I'll determine if I agree. For now, I don't want to separate myself from my kids any sooner than necessary. Even though the ultrasound may have put the paternity back into question we are all still assuming it's his. She has agreed to do the non-invasive blood test once she is far enough along. Once we know for certain then everything might look much clearer, emotionally and legally.

Strange, I will be holding you in my heart and thoughts that this child turns out to be yours.

Have you both been tested for STDs? If not, you really need to do that. In particular, you want to make sure the baby isn't harmed. And I second the background check on this guy.

Stay strong.

Have you both been tested for STDs? If not, you really need to do that. In particular, you want to make sure the baby isn't harmed. And I second the background check on this guy.

I asked my WW to tell the OM to get an STD screening. He agreed. She will get one as a matter of course due to the pregnancy. His is the most important, though. Our bodies might not have had time to produce the antibodies for which these tests screen.

Strange, I will be holding you in my heart and thoughts that this child turns out to be yours.

I will be shocked and amazed if this is the case. The timing favors him. He's a lot younger than I am. And I can't live for several more weeks with hope that it's mine. If the test says it's his then that's ok - to the extent that I already fully believe it is his. No major blow or shock in that case. If I have hope then I'd probably have a breakdown if he's the father. So I allow myself no hope. That way there can only be good news from the test, not bad news.

I asked my WW to tell the OM to get an STD screening. He agreed. She will get one as a matter of course due to the pregnancy. His is the most important, though. Our bodies might not have had time to produce the antibodies for which these tests screen.

No no no no no no! You can not rely on this guy OR your wife. She needs to go to her ob/gyn and tell them "I've been having unprotected sex with a man who is single". Who the hell knows where this guys has been. They will do a full STD scan - this is different than a typical one. This has got to be a part of your line in the sand. And then you need to get yourself a full STD scan too.

This is your health you're talking about. You have two kids. When your wife chose to do this she also took a chance that she could have infected you with HIV, gonorrhea, etc., etc.

Please don't minimize this. You know nothing about this man. He was single when he started screwing your wife without protection. You think he hasn't screwed whores and prostitutes - without protection?

This is not the time to be passive. Call your DR. Explain and let them help you decide on on a time frame for STD testing. Do not wait on your wife or OM for health info. Take care of you!

SAF, please listen to the chorus. The STD screening is of great urgency for you right now. There are actually STD clinics that will test you if you have concerns about seeing your primary care physician. Many men who have acquired an STD experience no symptoms but, regardless, the disease is still there and doing harm to your body every single day you choose to ignore it.

It will be a very long time before the memory of that Dr.'s appointment fades but, I knew it was the first very important, necessary step to take.