SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks again all.

I am approaching this with eyes wide open. I truely feel like I am being authentic to me. I have been hurt badly but have come to terms with it and using it for a growth period to myself.

I was the hard ass with a chip on my shoulder before in the relationship which was not true to me.

I know what I want and don't want now.

She has been totally even brutally honest since she told me. I truely believe that they have not had any affair contact since that day.

He went right back to his family the following day and my WW says that he appears to be miserabble at wotk and cannot even look at her.

When I said that the therapist and hair dreeser said she was done, I meant with us.

I do question that she is done.

I really think she does not know what the hell she wants.

Time will tell.

I know I could be setting myself up for failure but I at least know I gave it my all and was doing what I want and feel is right.

When I said that the therapist and hair dreeser said she was done, I meant with us.

So her therapist thinks your WW is done with the M? That is very telling.

I do question that she is done.

Why? Don't look at small gestures or a couple of things she has said. Look at everything she has said and done. If the OM had not gone back to his family then where would you be?

I know I could be setting myself up for failure but I at least know I gave it my all and was doing what I want and feel is right.

You're not setting yourself up for failure. You know why? This isn't yours to fail at this point. The ball is in her court. You've already done what you can. I did the same thing myself with my 1st LTR. My best friend kept telling to forget trying to fix it. I told him (and myself) that I at least wanted to say I did everything I could. All I did was make cake-eating really, really easy for a little while longer until she got tired of even that. I didn't feel better for it in the end.

Bottom line is that you don't value what you don't earn. You have earned the M. She hasn't. You want her to value you and the M then require her to earn it.

Honestly I don't think you will because I think you're afraid that if you go that route she won't do it.

Part of me knows this is crazy and I will be writing back here saying you all were right. Then there is that part that I really feel like this is the right thing for me to do, it feels good.

I am doing most of the 180 but I do believe you adapt to the situation.

She is not with him, he is shutting her out. She has shown signs of remorse and is reaching out to me. She is in a roller coaster ride.

I don't want to leave and neither does she. So, we have to adapt and see where life leads.....

Its like watching a re-run of an old horror movie. You know that when the leading lady opens that door in the boat house, she gets an axe in the head. You can scream as load as you want at the screen but she's going to open that door and the axe is going to fall.

Felco, I realize you want to be true to you. But your ignoring everyone that knows what to expect because they've been there, done that. You truely believe that your situation is somehow different.

If you could please just trust us that this situation is following the same old cliche WW movie script, we may be able to spare you the upcoming axe.

Edited for wayward auto correct

[This message edited by Twitchy at 1:53 PM, January 16th (Thursday)]

I bumped a thread for you.

20/20 Hindsight - What I should have done when I just found out.

Please give it a read.

Felco you are not truly happy, and you are not "being true to yourself". You are rugsweeping so that you don't have to face the devastation of your M.

At this point, you don't seem to know your own self worth. Right now, even though you are unhappy with the situation, it seems like you are happier not being alone, than you are being happier with knowing your own self worth. You don't want to let go of your wife or your M. Unfortunately, your wife is already gone and so is your M. That M is now dead.

I hope, before she completely breaks you, you realize your own self worth and stand up for yourself and your children and demand the respect you deserve.

Here is what is going to happen, she will either leave you, or she will stay with you and encourage and manipulate you into continuing to rugsweep.

She does NOT respect you.

Look at it from another perspective. If you had a co-worker and his wife were completely disrespecting him even after the OM dumped her ass. The co-worker was "being true to himself" and still trying to "do the right thing" for the M. HWhat do you see happening?

I'm a woman. Please believe me. If I did something stupid, and my partner didn't put his foot down, I would have zero, zilch, nein, no respect for him and I would either walk all over him or leave him. I don't abuse, so I'd probably leave him.

If you don't wake up soon, she is going to break your spirit so bad, you may not recover or you may be so damaged because you allowed her, nay, encouraged her to do it. At some point, you will no longer respect yourself for letting her use you as a doormat.

At this point, the only way to wake your wife up, and possibly have a better M one day than the one that died, is to let her see what she risks losing.

Goodluck brother, you are going to need it.

I need to add something.

Please keep posting. No matter what your choose is, we can still help you. Just cuz we sound frustrated doesn't mean we don't care and won't help if we can.

Felco - Glad to see that you came back to update today. I also want you to know that we are NOT judging you. We get where you are, we have been there.

We offer words of advice, and encouragement from a place of hope, hope that you will heal, hope that you won't get hurt again, hope that you will be able to save you M. We also know what doesn't work, because it's happened to us, or we have seen it happen to others here.

Though your situation is unique to you, there are specific things that happen in almost every single case of infidelity.

1. The WS will lie, minimize, blameshift, and rewrite the history of your relationship to the point of making the BS feel crazy.

2. The BS will want to do everything and anything they can to save the relationship, and brother we have all done some crazy extreme stuff, and tolerated unbelievable things to try to save our M's.

3. We as BS's have all attempted to save our M by begging, pleading, and nicing the WS back.

4. We as BS's also know that number 3 does NOT work.

You may feel you are being true to yourself, and I bet you do feel some sense of peace, and calm, but it's because you have eliminated the turmoil. You certainly have not demanded the respect you deserve. YOU have allowed yourself to be the second choice, and that is only because the OM has made an attempt to save his M.

If he had walked out on his W, you would not have even been given this choice.

I am sure she is confused, after all that was supposed to be her soulmate, and he left her high and dry, so sure she will settle for you, that's easy. But she is still dealing with the emotions for the OM.

I am very concerned that if you continue down this path you are going to be back in 6 months or a year when she finds another twin flame. I hope to heck I am wrong, but experience tells me chances are I will be right.

Keep posting, keep reading,

Read the profiles of us old timers that were able to amek it work. Read the profiles of the oldtimers that were not able to make it work. Learn from us. Stop being so blindly focused on her. Focus on what you can do to heal yourself.

(((and strength)))

He went right back to his family the following day and my WW says that he appears to be miserabble at wotk and cannot even look at her.

So she is watching him at work and seeing 'misery' in his face? Or is she hoping to see misery, thus proving her outlandish though process? She's still desperate for him, I do hope you see that. No matter what she says, she wants him. If he were free, she wouldn't be wondering what she wanted.

Felco, I think she's just playing games because she doesn't want to be alone. Just look at what you wrote - happy for a kiss! That is just scraps from someone that is actually factoring in what her hairdresser thinks. And btw - these people think she's done because she is telling them that. She is saying her feelings are dead and that she loves OM.

Felco, why are you accepting this? I just don't understand it. There is nothing special about your situation, or your wife. This is an affair, and your wife is in her own lalaland fog.

He went right back to his family the following day and my WW says that he appears to be miserabble at wotk and cannot even look at her.

He's miserable because he's stuck at work with his former AP who, by his own admission, he thinks is crazy.

Here I am with my tail between my legs.

By me opening up, I confused her and it was to much to soon. And she was confused by my transition from leaving to staying.

She wants time and physical separation. Ouch!!!!

She is not sure how she feels about us. She does not feel comfortable with the physical connection.

So, she proposed to rent a studio and we can trade off living in it during the week.

I told her she can go and I will stay. I did not do this mess.

Back to letting her go!

This shit sucks and yes you all are right.

So, she proposed to rent a studio and we can trade off living in it during the week.

I told her she can go and I will stay. I did not do this mess.

Yeah, I agree with you. F*** that mess. You can trade off living in the studio apartment??? Seriously???

Felco...brother if you ever, everrrrr doubt how whacked out her mind is just tell somebody...anybody...that story and see how they react.

You need some real distance between you now. I know from personal experience what I'm talking about. No communication at all that isn't financial or legal. Nothing in person unless you it cannot possibly be helped. No contact. No hugs. No kisses. No personal conversations. Distance. Detach. You need that to get some clarity.

Here I am with my tail between my legs.

I am so sorry that you got your face broke. That really sucks!

Now you know that you have to maintain your distance. She does not understand you being nice. This is why she zeros in on the kill every time you expose the underbelly of your vunerablity. OUCH!!

Let that be a lesson to you. She is the enemy.

Don't expose yourself to her, she will stab you everytime.

FTG!!!

I feel for for you Felco. We have been warning you for weeks. We care about you, and know that you are in the thicket right now. All we want to do is warn you so that you can avoid the pratfalls of navigating the fallout from infidelity.

Please believe us. We have BTDT. We care about you and don't want to see you suffer.

So, she proposed to rent a studio and we can trade off living in it during the week.

I told her she can go and I will stay. I did not do this mess.

I am glad that you found your cojones and set her know:

Don't let the door hit 'ya where the Good Lord split 'ya!

Keep up the good work protecting your self respect and caring for your kidlets.

Peace and Strength to you Felco!

I am having trouble sleeping.

I do think we both benefit from a physical separation, less expectations from me.

Replaying what she said tonight like a record.

[This message edited by Felco at 2:39 AM, January 17th (Friday)]

She's not in love with you, doesn't respect you, doesn't even want to be in the same house as you and yet you keep coming back for more abuse. Hoping to relight the passion she once had for you.

She wants time alone and the question is what will she do with that time. Explore other relationships? What you don't understand that she is infatuated with the OM, but more importantly has no feelings for you. Probably feels sorry for you and a little guilty, but nothing else.

You will keep trying until she gets involved in a new affair. Then the light bulb will finally come on. Sadly, once a woman loses love and respect for her husband it rarely comes back.

If there is any truth to this story your WW has sold you, she's probably more confused than you are. Now that her plan for a perfect life with her true flame has fallen to pieces, she doesn't know what to believe and who she should be with.

The end result is completely out of your hands. She is going to have to pick a team and there is nothing you can do.

If you want to have any any hope of gaining the two acceptable outcomes for you, an exit with dignity or to salvage your marriage, the path is the same. You need to detach and 180 her. Let her see what life is like without you. No emotional support, not physical connection.

This sounds counter intuitive, but it will make you look and feel strong. When you look like your strong without her you'll look like more of an attractive option if she resides she reconcile. If she decides to reconcile, you will be in a position of strength.

If she does not decide to reconcile, you still have strength and detachment to better handle the divorce.

At any time in all of this process, you appearing strong will make you a more attractive option if she ever manages to get her head out of her ass.

Either way, this is the path of strength for you.

Felco please do these three things for yourself and your well being TODAY.

1. Purchase and start reading CoDependent NO More.

2. Implement a HARD 180.

3. Start focusing on you. Figure out HOW and What it will take for YOU to be Happy with YOU. Not with her, not with another woman, but you, alone. This is how you heal, or begin to .

Lastly if you aren't sleeping, and able to eat please for your sanity, and decision making abilities talk to your Dr today about something to help you decrease the anxiety, and help you sleep.

(((and strength)))

Your wife sought out the OM because she was looking for an emotional/sexual relationship. She had lost respect and value for you and become disillusioned with the marriage.

OK, what to do. You need to get that respect back; you need your wife to essentially see that you are confident and have a good measure of self-esteem. To do this you cannot reason with her, beg her, plead or cajole; you have to walk away, start a life of your own and form your own friends. There is a good chance that your wife will reevaluate the marriage and realize what she is about to lose when she sees the new, independent Felco

The other way is to hope that your WW will settle for you and an unfulfilling marriage; this may very well happen, but the next affair will always be on her agenda.

I actually think the going back and forth to the studio apartment is a good idea but only because of the kids. It would give you each the opportunity to be with them without having to uproot them all the time to go to the studio apartment. I've known people who have done this for their kids and it has worked out very well for all, especially the kids. And also because you share the nanny with the other couple at your home now.

Good Morning everyone.

On Friday we wnet to "couples therapy" to discuss the separation.

I came prepared with three different options:

1. To continue living in the home and have a schedule so we can be apart. Along with that I proposed that she could stay in the garage so she could have her own space and entrance.

2. She rents an apartment or a room and has her days with the kids.

3. We share an apartment and switch off.

I started looking into studios and rooms in our area.

Money would be very tight but she will put in some extra hours.

I also was looking into classes and gyms to join.

At first I thought she should leave but I thought it would nice to have my alone time and I could take a class, hang with friends or go to the gym.

So, we ended up agreeing on #3. The therapist agreed that that is the best for our situation.

She said she needs time to figure herself out and see if she can reconnect with me.

She proposed doing Sunday nights together and possibly at some time having "date night".

I took the date night thing with a grain of salt.

So, that night I scheduled a dinner and play time with some friends.

Before we left she says, you know I think we can do the kids bathtime together. I didn't comment.

Came home from the dinner and she did some research.

She found that it will be expensive and she does't like the idea of being away from the kids.

WTF!!!!!!

I said you are the one who need "space" and she responds, You were to much so that is what I thought I needed.

So, I again left all day yesterday, no contact except in the morning.

She asks if I thought about it and I told her no.

She comes to say good night, door was closed, and says "you know I care about you". I just looked at her and she says what? I said it doesnt seem like it since you did all this. She responds," you know the reason it happened", I reponded, "you put your needs in front of everyone else". She had nothing to say and left.

Yes maybe I shouldn't of engaged but whatever.

I am going to TRY my hardest and detach and 180.

Now she is going back and forth with this living situation. Shit or get off the pot.

I will be staying the course.

Thanks for listening!!