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Damn, Dan. I was hoping to find out it was NOT what you were thinking this morning when I woke up. I'm so sorry. Regardless, it sucks and it hurts. I'm pulling for you guys.

Dan - how did your WW get the job at this company?

I ask because this timeline is not making sense to a lot of us - a TON happened in just 12 days if they truly only met so recently - it just seems too hot and heavy and deep for less than 2 weeks.

If the affair goes back to 2017, perhaps they met some other way and then when the POSOM worked there for a few months, he connected her to the job?

[This message edited by Ponus18 at 10:20 AM, December 15th (Saturday)]

Hi, Dan, I have to agree with several other posters.

This relationship started long before this guy came into town.

Work emails, phone conversations, that's how many workplace affairs begin.

My husband's OW worked on the opposite coast, the EA started through innocent emails asking how their day was, all the bullshit. Then it escalated to a lunch when he was visiting her site, OW kissed him in the car, my husband did not stop him. Neither did your wife, she had a choice to put this guy in his place, she chose not to. Then the EA progressed, email "sexting" followed by her meeting him at his hotel when he visited her site.

IMO your wife and this scum were planning to meet up after the Christmas Party. There's no other plausible reason she wouldn't want you there, him being protective of her is one of the biggest bullsh*t lines I've read since I joined this site 9 years ago.

Good luck, keep your cool.

So, she's only known him since he started where she works December 3rd. Christmas party is December 14th. She's only known him for 11 days. She's been trying to get you to skip the Christmas party for a week and a half, or 10 days. It's gone from first contact, to finding out they both like Thai food, to hand holding, to hand on thigh, to kissing, to 414 texts and dick pics, to meeting at the Christmas party, to him being protective of her, all inside 11 days. I assume that both of them had to actually do some work during the 10 work days he's been there. When did all of this other stuff happen? During gym time?

There's obviously some cheater math involved here.

Since he's worked at this company location back in 2017, how do we know that she didn't meet him somehow back then, even though she didn't work there? Maybe through some BFF of hers that also works there? Or has she had interaction with him since she's worked there?

Practical considerations that have to be considered in the short term. These usually compete with emotional considerations. It feels too soon to consider some of these, but life often gets in the way here so you have to do the best you can with some decisions. Overall, I’d say nothing you decide can’t be undone except very few. Can folks here help by adding to this list for Dan?

1. It’s Saturday and you found out last night. She has a job to get to Monday. If one of your conditions is that she immediately resigns, you need to think about income in the short term, income in the long term and whether or not you are committed to attempting reconciliation. If you are considering divorce, she needs that income or you may have to pay substantial alimony. Although Ohio (I’m assuming from your name, it is Ohio) has a fault divorce component for adultery, the state doesn’t recognize the “bad” behavior of the spouse in judgments of child support, alimony, etc. the judge has some discretion and can consider it for alimony, but there is no guideline saying the judge has to. If it were me, I’d suggest she call in sick for Monday and Tuesday so the two of you have a few days to absorb this.

2. Detaching - you need space to decide what you need. What she needs to do, say, and show for you to stick with this marriage. You need space to consider in your heart of hearts what constitutes a deal breaker. Practically, ideally you should not have to see her at the breakfast table, pass her in the hallway, or share a bed with her. No sex for both practical and emotional reasons. You need a clear head. You don’t need any STDs.

3. See a lawyer and figure out what your rights are. You can file or not file, but know what your life will look like either way. Knowledge will help you make an informed rather than purely emotional decision.

4. No contact. This is impossible if she keeps her job. She can’t share her cheating with her work administration or she could very well lose her job when that isn’t in your best interest. There is no guarantee her supervisors will send Jennifer back to Canada. If you both make a decision to reconcile (which is premature at this point) then she needs to find another job and it doesn’t have to be her dream job. It just needs to be A job. If she doesn’t like that, she only has herself to thank.

Can others help here?

My BIL is here now, he says its a shit show at his place. I hadn't thought about the possibility that they had met at her last place of employment. I will investigate that further. Headed to the PC guy, then lunch. I will check back with you guys later. Thanks again.

Talking to a lawyer would be good even if you do not end up filing for D. It’s good to understand your options and how it would work.

Also, a lawyer could let you know if you could file harassment charges against the AP at the company’s HR department. At the very least they might pull his work visa and send him home early. Sometimes threatening a lawsuit against the company can have a desired affect.

Get lots of legal advice.

Perhaps it’s time to ask your brother-in-law what he knows/heard.

What is your wife's job title? Why would she have any contact with the IT guy?

The timeline must be much more detailed in order for you to compare it to the texts and photos.

You need date, time, place, and details about the conversation. Particularly what did he say that seduced her so quickly into risking her marriage??

what doesn't add up for me:

It may be coincidence but the speed at which she submitted to him (and immediately deleting evidence) suggests that she is experienced (uninhibited) in secret relationships...or she already knew him.

Also, (as a contractor on temporary assignment) the OM was the perfect target for a woman looking for a short term no strings fling.

Why did the OM act like the victim last night? From his pathetic behavior in the parking lot he's not physically aggressive (like James Bond) but more of a cry baby.

His emotional connection to your wife is way out of proportion to the 2 week relationship your wife describes. Perhaps he felt your wife pursued or encouraged him every day - and that's why he was angry (he felt used by her). Alternatively, there's a deeper and/or longer relationship.

Whatever you do, do not tell ANYONE you are on this forum. No matter how much you trust someone, once that gets out, you will potentially lose a great support network.

Just a thought. OM working there temporarily had hotel accomodations. Hope I'm wrong but this just doesn't look like a very short term EA. Her AP's sudden Possessive attitude just doesn't smell right.

Google map history if it's available could shed more light.

Take care

what doesn't add up for me:

It may be coincidence but the speed at which she submitted to him (and immediately deleting evidence) suggests that she is experienced (uninhibited) in secret relationships...or she already knew him.

Addionally, storing POSOM’s contact as a female is some ADVANCE CHEATER skills. Hence, not her first rodeo. Sorry

There is no way this was only 11 days. Do you have access to her email?

Sounds like you got two great daughters that you raised well. Hopefully you will find sufficient information on her phone to help you decide if you want to R or D.

DaninOh

Just wanted to say you are handling this like a legend. Keep the hammer down and don't let up.

As mentioned before a poly requirement for your wife may get you a more complete confession even before the polygraph is taken. You should still have her take a poly no matter how much"I've told you everything" and "swearing on your daughter's lives" you get. I'm with everyone else on this, 11 days is really fast for it to have gotten as far as it has. I think its safe to assume they were going to consummate their affair after the party, so 11 days from meeting to sex. I'm not buying that. If that truly is the case I would have to believe that this was not your wife's first affair. There is a lot of practiced devious behavior that she has committed.

Do you have any inclination as to whether you will divorce or reconcile? The path for both of these is close at the beginning with the exception of exposure to her work. she'll need the highest paying job she can have if you divorce, both for your daughter's sake and less alimony for you.

You are doing great, keep up the pressure, and keep the control. We are all behind you.

[This message edited by RubixCubed at 11:43 AM, December 15th (Saturday)]

I agree with the others that this affair developed really quickly. Can you imagine meeting a new (married) female employee at work, take her out at the restaurant, hold hands, kiss, sexting, get a date within a week? Your WW is really not safe.

It’s possible she was worried her new BF was protective because she told him you are an abusive husband (a lie). Waywards lie like that, it’s not the first time we see this.

Even if you don’t find anything more with the phone, and think about reconciling, she will need to figure out why she’s behaving that way, she should go to IC.

Right now, even with the timeline and letters of apologies, she is not a safe partner.

If she’s not a safe partner, you are still living in infidelity

What will she do to become a safe partner? You can’t monitor her all the time. You can’t worry each time she buys new shoes.

@DahinOH

It's a confirmed PA (she admitted to kissing and groping), now let me ask you, if you're a single guy trying to have sex with a woman that allows you to kiss her, hold hands, touch her inner thigh, texts over 400 times in 11 days and sexts with you, why in the world wouldn't you just do the deed and have sex ? she's a grown woman, she deliberately hid their texts, put a woman's name on her phone, tried to keep you away from the party, etc..., again if your WW allowed OM all that why would he/they go for it ?

Your WW's story doesn't make any sense at all, she was actively pursuing this relationship, she didn't report his advances to HR, she CHOSE to cheat and got caught period. At this point I would be surprised if they hadn't had sex already, why stop at just kissing and touching ? why would a man alone with a woman who allows him all that and sexts with him not just have sex ? the answer, it's very unlike he would have stopped at just that.

By now you know cheaters lie and minimize, her response "I didn't kiss back" is total BS and straight fromt he "Cheater's Handbook", there's always more to the story.

Call her and tell her that if there's any chance at R, she needs to be completely honest with you now BEFORE you recover the deleted texts and that she will take a polygraph test to whatever is not in the texts. Here's a few questions you may consider she answers before you get the results and/or have her polygraphed:

1) You were cheating with OM and were sexting behind my back, you know this is BS, how many times did you make out with him and/or have any type of sexual contact including but not limited to BJs, HJs, fingering and/or fucking ?

2) Did you have unprotected sex with OM ?

3) Do you have feelings for OM and have you ever told him you loved him ?

4) You know your party story is BS and noone would believe you, what were your plans with OM for that night ?

5) Who else knew about your relationship at work or outside of work ?

6) Did you ever go to his house ?

7) Besides your lunches together did you ever meet him outside of work ? if so how often ?

8) Besides the A with OM, have you ever had an A or any inappropriate relationship with anybody else since we started dating ? if so how many and when ?

If you ultimately decide to give her the gift of R (you don't have to), have her read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, you can download it and have her go to IC to find out her "whys", don't waste your money on MC now.

Finally consult a D attorney to know your legal options and at the very least have her sign a post-nup in your favor in case you eventually decide to D.

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:40 AM, December 17th (Monday)]

6) Did you ever go to his house ?

OM was on temporary assignment which means he had hotel accommodations probably close by. Very easy access.

Kidding/groping is usually minimization.

By the way... your GUT has done you a great service so far. The gut always knows!

I'm going to go a little bit against the grain of the pack here. Let me suggest for you to hold off all accusations with out further proof. See what is actually on the phone... then go from there.

It could be that this wannabe french paramour is a legend in his own mind. It's quite possible that the last 2 weeks this posom has been setting up the stage for the coup de grâce (aka inebriated wife after the Xmas party). The confrontation where he ran off screaming put an end to his craftily constructed plans in a hurry.

He could very well have put the suggestion to your wife to have a fake name 'Jennifer' to keep you from sniffing around his mark.

Furthermore if 'Jennifer' is sending dick pics to a married woman in the company could be problematic for the business. Of course your lawyer would know.

It's all speculation until the phone records are retrieved. 414 texts are going to provide a great deal of information.

I am in the minority on this thread when I say this timeline is plausible. It is entirely possibly you are one of the lucky ones who caught this before it turned into meetings for sex. I say this because I bore witness to more corporate affairs than I could count. One in particular was someone very close to me, and this story is so close to hers it's uncanny. Fortunately she pulled her head out of her ass (with LOTS of screaming from me) before it turned to sex. This is not to say there are not some holes in her story.

There is often a pattern. There are predators like the OM in your story. They find women with poor boundaries, often in long term marriages, and they flatter them and provide some excitement. They break down the barriers with increased physical touching (hand to thigh to kissing). This guy is unattractive and has nothing to offer, but he made your wife feel interesting and pretty and she took the bait. This has nothing to do with him being a quality person and everything to do with how the attention made her feel. I can't stand these men. They are a dime a dozen in the workplace. And it drives me nuts that women fall for it.

I'll leave the advice on how to proceed to the others, but I did want to chime in with a different point of view. Right now it's all about the phone and what it reveals.