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Dan, just a thought: when you request the timeline, make an emphasis that you are interested primarily not in who was holding whose hand, who said what, but in what your wife FELT, what she were THINKING about, what was going on IN HER HEAD. People say "as within, so without" for a reason. Your questions should force your wife to admit to herself that she WANTED this whole thing to happen, that she was an active driving force of this deceitful act, that this was not a mistake, not a stupid thing she has done, but is a serious flaw in her character, and that it is very unclear if she can ever fix it.

Everything she tells you now is skin deep. She completely avoids the true reasons of why this have happened.

On a separate note, I admire your self-awareness and integrity. If I were you (or when I was in your shoes about a decade ago), I would detach from your wife for as long time as you need to figure out what you want to do with your life, what is the best thing for you in the long term.

[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 5:02 PM, December 15th (Saturday)]

Calm down !!! you need to be calm, I know it's hard but think about your kids, she may try to go back home to you and plead that you let her back in or she may be meeting OM, if the GPS shows she's not heading home, tell your BIL to send you their location and/or go with you, if he agrees to go with you (I highly recommend it) make sure you bring the sister along to make sure she doesn't tip her off and to handle your WW in case she snaps out of control.

She is at a house not far from here, but he refuses to tell me the address. He said that he would drive over there his self and try to get info. My SIL will not let him tell me.

I think you need to slow down on talking to your BIL, he is already playing on both sides by not revealing you her address. These people do not understand that the whole thing about cheating is not about f. other people, it is first of all about withholding the truth.

@ DaninOH

Hang in Dan. Try not to lose your sh*t in WW's presence, it gives her sort of power points over you. Don't. Punch the wall, shout out loud - but NOT when she is around. Looks like them WSs take our weakness displays, "eat" them and feel better.

Don't provide this nourishment to WW. The longer you are able to maintain your cool, the more of an upper hand you have. (Or so I believe.)

I have a gut feeling that my WH is waiting for me to lose my cool so that he could use it somehow to his benefit... Call me paranoid, but.

Sending strength.

[This message edited by MsMittens at 5:11 PM, December 15th (Saturday)]

Tell him to go but call her sister in law and ask her why she doesn't want you to know, that means she knows who lives there or who is there waiting for her, could be a co-workers home and OM is there. You can now see how quickly her sister in law took her side as expected and also how BIL is NOT 100% reliable as you thought he would be, DO NOT TELL BIL the info you find in the texts and make sure you call the guy who's recovering the texts doesn't give the phone back to anybody BUT YOU.

Is she friends with any of your neighbors who you think might take her in?

Was the OM put up in temporary housing since he’ll be in town for a somewhat extended period of time? Also, as someone else mentioned before, it’s possible this coworker isn’t a temp at all, and that he lives in the area.

It seems strange that the SIL is telling your BIL not to tell you where she is - has your WW potentially fed them a story about how she is scared you might get physical?

You should tell the BIL to wait outside at a distance and see what happens. If he knocks on the door and reveals himself she’ll know that your BIL tracked her and you guys will lose that as a source of info.

Wishing you the best in this difficult situation. Since she started acting strange about the Christmas party, it would seem that a lot more happened at that lunch ... or that lunch ended with desert in his hotel room.

Definitely check google and Facebook locations and timelines. Its also worth checking the laundry if it hasn't been done yet. Not necessarily for stains or hairs, though that's a possibility. If shes a granny panties girl and shes been wearing her best Victoria Secrets lately, that's a pretty tell tale sign. She may not have been going to the gym 3 times a week, recently.

The phone log should also show if any pictures were sent. If she sent none, that's a good sign.

Can you get her work email password to access that account? If she's logged in since yesterday, she's covering her tracks. That e-mail account could also show if she was in contact with him before he came out. It's possible the flirting started there and

quickly progressed when he arrived.

My wife had a long distance EA which started within a week of contact from a game room chat. Going from not knowing each other to an affair can happen very quickly, whether its an EA or PA, so the fact that all of this might have started, peaked, and been exposed in less than 2 weeks is not extraordinary.

Good Luck!

If R is in your plans you need to engage WW

You may want to tell SIL that secrets like this will kill the Marriage. If WW has already broken NC less then 24 hrs after DDay and SIL knows where she is and whom she is with then she is complicit with the destruction of your marriage.

She doesn’t have to tell you where she or they are, but she should be honest about whom she is with.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 5:21 PM, December 15th (Saturday)]

WOW What a massive 24 hour period for you. You are running on adrenaline. I’m sorry your girls got involved. Try and keep them at a distance with this as it will scar them and they will need IC to understand and process what has happened. Take care of yourself. The emotional stuff will hit you fairly soon. You will be angry. Seek temporary meds if you need to (Valium for a week at most because they’re addictive and then anti-depressants after that if you have to). Don’t make any decisions about your marriage yet. Let the dust settle.

Your wife I’m sorry to say is minimising. She is giving you a very sanitized version of events. The phone will give you the true picture and then you’ll have to interrogate her for more information. She will only admit to you what you can prove.

My wife minimized and minimized and trickle truthed me until I had the evidence. She thought she would get away with it. She was distressed like yours. “It was only a kiss...”, “He JUST put his hand on my thigh” is minimising as if that would be OK with you anyway. Adults don’t “just kiss”.

She was planning a heavy night with him after that Christmas Party. You did really well on the night. Well done, too, on getting in a few punches. Don’t worry about him reporting it. He came at you in a threatening and aggressive manner and you have every right to protect yourself when someone invades your space. OM in the majority are weak. Weak mentally and physically. Good, honourable, decent men don’t go for married women no matter what the woman tells them about their so called relationship problems with their husbands. Decent men stay the fuck away.

Now, I hate to want to bring this up but this could have been one of many flings your wife has had. I’m not sure about your relationship with her in the last few years but if she’s been distant from you for a while brace yourself for more shocking revelations.

What is troublesome is she described him as “Jennifer”. She knew what she was doing was wrong. Hence the secrecy.

The timelines she has given you don’t add up. The escalation is truly too fast. All this in 11 days? She’s been in contact with him for a long time. She is definitely lying. Your spouse will lie. A lot. Until you show her evidence she will continue to lie. Please check google maps if she has an android. It will show her whereabouts in the timeline section. Also her google searches (will show if she’s been looking for advice on how to hide affair, hotel searches etc). She needs to leave work or he has. Do not compromise on this. NC immediately and she needs to tell you if the POS ever contacts her again. Take out an order on the POS for threatening you. Contact HR at your wife’s work and report the inappropriate advances made by the POS. She also needs to give you access to all her electronic communications for the foreseeable future. She needs to prove to you she is safe again. This whole thing is a wake up call for her and she may still be in the fog.

She needs immediate counselling to figure out her “whys”. No marriage counselling yet. That’s a waste of time and most MCs are idiots. Wisely choose one that is an expert in this field. Seek IC for yourself and get your hand checked out for any fractures. Given all the adrenaline you may not have realised that you have broken a hand or finger.

About your SIL and BIL: they’re going to try and protect your wife. Not because they don’t find what she did abhorrent but blood is always thicker than water. You need support too and you must reach out to family. A parent, sibling or close friend.

Keep up the good work. You’ve handled this perfectly. I’m really sorry you found yourself here. Each time us BS read such stories we relive our trauma. I never got the chance to face my wife’s AP. He knows I would have kicked his ass to the moon and back. He’s petrified of me. I wouldn’t go to jail for a loser like him but would have loved to have given him a couple of swollen eyes. I got a lot of satisfaction reading what you did to the POS. I wish my wife’s AP threatened me one day to give me a legal excuse to dish out some justice. Your wife’s AP was either stupid or very brazen. What is certain is he is a POS and looks like he has no remorse or doesn’t give a damn about you. A decent man doesn’t seduce married woman. Because they know what implications this has for a married woman.

And one last thing. Your marriage is now officially dead. That is the old marriage. If you want to R you need to work on a new marriage. Your wife isn’t the person you thought she was. You have a new reality to deal with and adjust to. This will bring you into conflict with your emotions. She needs to do the heavy lifting if there is R. It is possible. But she has to show you lots of remorse. Understand and acknowledge the pain she inflicted on you and your daughters. Look out to see if she has more remorse than shame and guilt. If she’s talking about her pain and what she has done she is not R materials. If she talks about the pain she inflicted on you and how sorry she is for doing so, then you have a basis for R. Good luck dude. Why are here to help. All of us. Reach out even if you want via PM. There are very good people here.

[This message edited by Mene at 5:33 PM, December 15th (Saturday)]

She’s probably coming to see you and her daughters. Be ready.

It could be that SIL and especially BIL doesn’t want you to land in jail. Hopefully BIL will be truthful about what he finds.

If she is already back with him she is truly broken. Her daughters will not forgive her for this for a long time. She was already failing them just by what happened leading up to DDay. Adding breaking NC so quickly will be a coffin nailer.

I hope it’s not the case.

Where are your girls?

I know right now you're all fired up in the "she cheated" mode.

But my gut has been firing off since you described the jerk's behavior last night - glaring at you, staring you down, alpha male chest bump...

She may not know it right now, but you may have just saved her life.

Even if you divorce.

The guy is a first class chimp. Ready to kill to claim his mate. And how do chimps treat those mates? Possessive. Murderous. Violently. Isolate and break them down.

A man who would be so bold as to assault you - and that's what a chest bump is from a stranger - because you had the audacity to accompany your wife into HIS territory would be so bold as to harm the women in your life - all ages.

He's a vile human being.

I reserve judgment on your wife's actions at this point. Saving his phone number under Jennifer would point to knowing she's betraying her marriage, but as to "experienced cheater" - no. Not certain on that.

Dan, you and your daughters have been through a continuing hell this weekend. You are walking wounded and shell shocked. Please find a therapist to see individually and for the three of you together.

Please don’t hit a wall or make any visible damage that she might use to harm your position legally. False Domestic Violence charges are claimed on occasion and you don’t want that to add to this colossal mess.

Really sorry you are going through this horror. You are doing remarkably well. Paying attention to your gut is key.

Could they are protecting him from doing something rash. If I knew were my wife's AP was right after dday I would have gone to jail that night.

Doesn't sound good. At all.

No it don't.

Dan, and please don't be scared that she is staying with her BF. You can't control her. And if she does see him, it will be easier for you to make the decision.

[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 5:41 PM, December 15th (Saturday)]

She is at a house not far from here, but he refuses to tell me the address. He said that he would drive over there his self and try to get info. My SIL will not let him tell me.

Wtf!! That really starts to smell fishy. Probably OM's mutual friend house or his house. I'm afraid that monday you will find more things.