SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You should discuss what is coming down with your pastor or assistant pastor. For one thing, she shouldn't be leading a Bible Study -- and it may help her to defog if she realizes the pastoral staff know what she's been up to. . .

. Can I ask....what's the motivation if goose-em is talking about wanting out of the marriage? I worry about an innocent, crying little girl that is caught up in this mess. That stepdaughter's church community might be one of the best things left in her life, if not now maybe in the future. But I could see that door closing if her emotionally immature mom abandons this community out of shame. And just because someone belongs to a church group, does not mean they are leading a bible study.

Southsidecali, while I don't agree with you on the WS needing to be the one to tell the other BS, your posts tend to make me think and I'm glad you question the advice we tend to give on this board and the way you get us to stop and think.

In theory, I understand where you're coming from. But my jadedness when it comes to the trustworthiness, un-foggyness, honesty, etc of a WS keeps getting in the way. My addicted H had 6 weeks of intensive inpatient treatment a few years ago, is active in 2 groups, sponsors others, has done the steps, etc... and I've never heard him say that they were to find and tell the other BSs. But I'll ask him.

[This message edited by alluringillusion at 3:56 PM, March 1st (Tuesday)]

Alluring..

FOR ME>> for the WS to be the one to tell the other BS, would fall under Making amends to the people they hurt, which is part of mostly all 12 step programs.

I don't know for others, but to ME that is a big part of accepting responsibility for their choices.

Wow, these lines apply to men and women...as evidenced by MY WH:

"I never took time way from you or the kids to be with him"!!!

WTF???

"I didn't tell you because I didn't want to hurt you"?????

WTF???

"It was my escape"

"It was the only time I felt free"

I told her...Well you're free now...

I, too, told him, Well, you're FREE now!"

Seriously, know that you are NOT alone. WE at SI are here for you to hold you up when you are falling down, to hug you when you feel alone, to pat you on the back...whatever. We're here.

goose-em ~ Man, You are My HERO! You are so SMART! I wish I knew SI then, too. I did have my wits about me pretty well.

I at least managed to get a confession from the ow and a few details so he couldn't lie to me more. Luckily my husband wasn't too foggy or we would've been in the crapper!

But you, YOU [my HERO!] YOU listened to good advice and have done marvelously with a shit-filled situation. Its not easy and its not pretty but you have to deal with what you were dealt.

I haven't seen an update in awhile....

Praying you are doing as well as you can, Brother.

Hang in there.

Let us know how you are doing.

I'm hanging in there today. My appetite is coming back a little. I went running this morning.

I keep catching myself drifting off for 5-10 minutes at a time..thinking about the A. Then I run a short little movie in my head..and my stomach curls.

I'm getting really close to finding out the OM wife.

I'm so glad I had a week to prepare for this and take all of your advice. Last week sucked..but it helped me get ready for this week. You guys are truly amazing. You really set me up well to do everything.

She texted me today. "I love you and I'm very sorry I hurt you" I hope one day you will forgive me"

Right now...I have an attorney ready, new checking account and valuables safe. I will protect the kids as much as possible and see what my WW does and how she responds over the next few weeks.

She can sleep on our piece of shit pull out couch...where she fucked the OM.(can't tell I'm bitter can you)? haha

Oh man..This is totally insane.

So what is next?

I keep touching my ring finger with my thumb...Where my ring used to be. I have a little bit of a tan line there and a little notch where is fits.

It feels weird.

have you two been fighting much?

do you think she is truly sorry?

is she still in contact with the OM?

you have been very strong through this horrible situation

Goose,

you are amazing, you trully are!!!

What's next,

Well if she wants to stay in the house and possibly R then you give her your list of requirements.

Absolutely NC

write NC letter to OM

Access to ALL paswords, phone email ect...

IC immediately

these are just the beginning of reqirements

Bless you

Ok...

1.I'm going start the NC tonight and have her write a letter. Stop working together completely.She can replace herself if she was scheduled to work with him.

2. Stop skimming money from the bank account.

3. Request access to all passwords etc(which I already have)

4. No more deleted text messages

1. We haven't been fighting

2. She seems really sorry(but who really knows I don't trust her)

3.She hasn't contacted him since the "warming texts" she sent him yesterday.

I'm going to talk about the NC tonight.

1. Add a polygraph test to your list.

2. My wedding ring still feels odd at times. I have been divorced since May 08.

You can't have her working with him at all---she needs to leave that job---if they so wish, they will find a way to be together at work, and you will never know---she needs to quit, and hire on with another company

If you need an example of the NC letter, there is a good one in the healing library

http://survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/joseph.asp

Also, she needs to write a timeline from start to ending. And which of her friends enabled her affair.

[This message edited by lordmayhem at 5:49 PM, March 1st (Tuesday)]

Goose

WTG!!! Big cheers from the BH gallery. Now, for what is next.

You will probably get the "don't tell OM's BW." The reasons will vary, from "He will beat her" to "It will destroy their kids" to 'Let's just focus on us." It is all bull, you have to do it.

When you make contact, please consider only doing this - give her factual statements with limited proof (maybe something that will really catch her attention). Then say if you need more proof, here is how to contact me. A sentence of empathy may or may not be warranted, per your normal personality. The shorter and to the point the better.

She may or may not think you are crazy and might lash out at out. Do not give it another thought. You ARE doing the moral, necessary and correct thing in exposing this affair.

Now to the upcoming rollercoaster. You thought last week was hell. Strap in sir, it gets worse. Your WW will lie. If she is really facing her shame, she is going to hate you, hate herself, lie, etc. Unless she is a Thundersmom or equivalent miracle WW, expect blameshifting and hostility towards you for taking away her drug (the attention the OM gave her).

You will be up and down. You will want to puke when you see her. You will want to hold her when she cries. You MUST ALWAYS BE SUPER LOVING TO YOUR KIDS, EVEN IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU WANT TO CHOKE YOUR WW.

Keep that lawyer in gear. Filing is not a bad thing to do, as you can pull it later.

The best piece of advice is one I give my med students about leadership - In order to create something meaningful, you have to be ready to let it go. Let go of your old marriage. It is dead. Lose the memories you cling to now.

Instead, focus on building a new YOU first, then if your WW wants to join the effort, build a new marriage.

180 for yourself. You matter. And as you can see just on this thread, we are on your side and want this to work for you and your new M.

Goose-em you are awes-em. (that is supposed to sound like, "awesome.")

What are your thoughts on a polygraph test?????

That would be awesome. It would cut though ALOT of bullshit.

Would someone agree to that???

A polygraph is recommended as one of the requirements for those who can afford it.

Let go of your old marriage. It is dead. Lose the memories you cling to now.

This is the part I hate....

I have seen several people here who have used polygraphs. If you have a burning question and you need the answer, that is a great alternative, I think probably between $350 and $500, depending. I would give it some time for the situation to develop, though, because if you have the poly now, there are probably going to be new questions down the road that you need answered. Give her a chance to come clean and see what happens.

I am so sorry you are going through this mess. I hope she is honest and forthcoming now, but I would be very vigilant at this stage. Good luck.

I would rather give 500$ on a poly..than 2500$ to a lawyer...depending on what I want to do.

Yeah letting go of your old marriage and the memories...that is nutz.

I was thinking about all the trips, photo's memories...etc etc.

It's amazing people are willing to throw it all away...

I don't get it. If this doesn't work out with the WW.

I'm going to spend a while working on me..and maybe I'll find someone who appreciates what I have to offer. I'm way to good of a catch for this woman to destroy my life. And I know eventually someday I can be happy again and find someone cool. And I hope she is completely different from my WW and all her bullshit.

In my head I'm totally prepared to lose her..and I wouldn't blink an eye after what she did.

My biggest fear is trying R...and she doesn't change or goes back to her "ways". I almost have more to lose in R.