SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

WWTL,

Forgiveness is a tricky business. There is just no way out that doesn't sink to high heaven.

One day my 5 year old son came to me crying, "Dad, I hurt myself!" He was so pitiful and I held him and the tears just ran and ran. Then the pain started to fade and he learned a lesson and life went on...

But what do you do when you are hurt by another? Hurt by another so bad the pain sears day after day after day? You wake in the night with her lying next to you thinking, "is she dreaming of him?". You have sex with her and wonder if she made the same sounds with him as she does you? You text on the phone and end "I love you" in the exact same way she texted to him.

It turns what once was, unique, special, and loving into... the opposite.

How do you get that back?

I think the answer is that you really don't. You can build something else and have a great friend and lover and maybe renew your vows, but it certainly wasn't the marriage you once had.

Certainly they didn't know what they were about to trade -- momentary fleeting feelings for a lifetime of pain. I do believe almost all WS don't have any idea what they are trading in.

So your wife hurt herself. And she hurt you. And maybe there is just no getting better from this.

God knows how bad it is and gave it as the one sanctioned "out" for divorcing. It's the worst you can do to someone, and you do it to the one you should love the most.

So I have been with you here for months and months, encouraging you to keep trying, and you have. Seeing you divorce is disheartening for me, because I am faced with the very real possibility that I too may never get to R. Try as I might, the forgiveness may never come. Do I spend the rest of my days hurting and trying? Is 35% better the best I can do? Do I settle for that?

These questions are all different for each of us and you can't force it. There is no store where you can buy a 5 lb. bag of forgiveness. It can't be bartered or made or refined. It either comes or doesn't.

Good luck to you WWTL. I do hope you find peace. I hope your wife finds it too and that you both can heal. Who knows, maybe you can heal enough to give it another try some day. Stranger things happen. Sometimes you find what you have lost when you just let go and give up searching, and then there it is.

NP5

[This message edited by notperfect5 at 2:42 PM, July 28th (Friday)]

I sometimes feel an underlying assumption by many here that true sincere remorse is a magic cure to save any marriage. While necessary it is not an if and only if situation.

True remorse by the WS does not mandate the BS to stay in the marriage. It an invitation not a command.

I think you gave it your all. It didn't work. And no one should reprimand you for the outcome.

I think you gave it your all. It didn't work. And no one should reprimand you for the outcome.

This.

Very well said.

I am sorry. But when it is hopeless, and you have used up all your energy . . . well . . . I wish you good luck in your future. (((hugs)))

Again, I want to thank everyone here for their support. The people here have been terrific and I don't know what I would have done without you.

This whole thing is so difficult in that I have never felt so alone and isolated in decision making. At work I was very collaborative, and am fairly frank with my friends on almost everything with the exception of this. I got into IC late in the game and that helped. My wife wanted me to talk with her, but frankly that never worked out so well. This place is where I felt some community and were with people that understood.

I don't feel at all reprimanded. The people who might feel it could have worked are coming from a good place. Hell I wish it could have worked too. Life would be so much easier.

Again, my sincere thanks.

WWTL,

You healed enough, became strong enough, to make a decision. That's a good sign. Put trust in yourself. Balance out your thoughts as you weigh the emotional calculus of your shit storm and this decision. In that balance you need to credit yourself for all that you did to try and reconcile yourself to your W's actions.

WWTL, I hope this decision gives you relief and allows you to build the life you need to be happy. There is nobody who knows the right answer but you.

As someone who survived alone after my first marriage I can tell you the hardest part is the very beginning. After you tell someone you are going to D it gets easier and better. And soon great things will come into your life and you will find your joy again.

I am hoping for the best for you.

WWTL

I have read many of your posts and would like to give you my therapist's view.

You tried your best. That is all anyone can ask for.

No one else's opinion matters.

Your W had to know her A could lead to divorce. If not she is an idiot.

Some people don't understand consequences. Maybe she is one.

I like that you made sure the contractor suffered retribution as well.

I would like to tell you a story about another blog I participate in. H finds out W is cheating with a much younger guy. The OM is loser POS - I don't remember if he is married or not but he is certainly a POS.

In any event the husband finds out about the affair and confronts his wife. He tells her that he is looking for her to be honest with him so they can move forward. For the next two days, (and I do mean 48 hours) she continued to deny and lie.

He decided it was never going to work and that Monday morning he obtained an attorney, filed for divorce and on Tuesday he made an appointment with a therapist.

In hindsight he did the right thing. OM dumped the chesting wife not long after for a younger model. The cheating W then tried to get the STBXH back (no chance). She still continues to try to maintain a relationship and reminisce about good times etc.

He ignores her.

The point is he wasn't not going to play her game and get sucked in. Many saud "give it time". I always said he did the right thing b/c he knew the M was over.

And if that is how you feel then that is how you feel. And you should know you gave your best and tried but it's not something you can forgive.

Sorry it didn't work but I hope you find future happiness and peace.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:29 PM, July 31st (Monday)]

I am both happy and sad for you. But you are making the right decision. You looked into yourself and realized that you cannot live with the things that happened. I can only hope that I am able to have that moment of clarity in my head sometime soon. I wish you well and thank you for your insights which have been valuable to me.

I wanted to let you know that I wish you peace and happiness and that I completely understand this decision was never made in haste. You have done everything that you could possibly do to overcome how you feel but sometimes you just feel the way that you do and you know what's going to work for you or not. Blessings in the future to you.

1st wife. Thanks for your post. I wish too that I had the strength to walk away at the beginning, but I am a process kind of person and think I needed to just work my way though this. I could however sped up the process.

I wish I made him suffer some consequences. I made a deal with him that if he disappears I would not bust him. In hindsight that was a big mistake. I had a lot of anger at him, that I probably doubled down with the anger I had for my wife. I do recognize it was her choice so this in no way takes her off the hook.

Last year, when I was getting urged by some members to get some revenge I looked into his whereabouts. Turned out he did go forward with the deal he presented to me with his own and some friends money. The deal was stupid and I told him that. He lost his money, his house which was used as collateral, and some of his friends money. He split town shortly after. this was a few years ago.

I did some google searches, and didn't find anything. I have the resources to track him down by professionals but frankly I don't have the energy for that. I also still have no proof other than my wife word, my PI report, and some pictures of his truck in my driveway.

My wife a mess right now so not much gained in forcing her to call the other spouse assuming I find her. She would do this in a heartbeat, but what is the point. I don't want to make her life that painful knowing how she feels now. The purpose of the divorce is to move on.

Wow, Idiotmcstupid, nothing I type out to abbreviate your name feels good to type. My guess is you are not an idiot, nor stupid, but just hurt like the rest of us here. Not sure with my waffling how my insights could be that valuable, but if they were that is good.

I continue to work to detach, but am appreciative of the support here.

WWTL

I have followed your journey since its beginning. I admire you and have felt your agony. It is one of the saddest on SI. It should be must reading for those who attempt to rug sweep. The instant exposure that was needed, the consequences that your wife didn't face immediately, the healing that was postponed indefinitely, all contributed to this ending. Good luck to you and your wife, and I hope you and your family find happiness.

Mind movies of ww with ap were relentless. R was out of the question.

Glad you've touched bases with your authentic self.

D was the best thing that happened to me.

Good luck.