SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Another way to look at this is;

End the M first. Go through the annulment, and end the legal partnership.

Next, focus on taking care yourself both physically and mentally.

Look at yourself as the Prize she has to win back. She will have to do all the work to win your attention and trust back.

This situation is in no way your fault, and zero blame falls upon you, so don't even think otherwise.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^PERFECT.

Get the annulments. There is nothing here saying that you still can't engage in a potential future with this partner. But having the opportunity to legally and financially protect yourself is a rarity when it comes to infidelity.

Sharkman

I have been giving advice here for awhile now. Ole thing that does not sit well with me here is that she went through a significant period of pulling away from you prior to the affair, at least according to her timeline.

Caught me eye too.

Ever seen a Tarzan movie? When swinging through the trees, he never lets go of one vine until he has another in hand. It's safe that way.

Just so, with women and cheating.

Sending strength!

If she's still blame shifting and playing the victim card then you really can't build a strong foundation with her. From the first minute of your marriage, and well before, your relationship had lies, deceit, and betrayal from her side of it.

Marriage is hard enough even when it's built on a foundation of love and trust. You have love, you don't have trust.

I'm not saying you can't make it but she has to own her behavior 100%. This douche bag did not put a magic spell on her. Everything she did with him, every lie she told to you, every betrayal of you...she did with eyes wide open as an adult 100% responsible for her actions.

Until she accepts that and works accordingly to correct it, I don't think your marriage has a chance.

Spaceghost has it exactly right. Divorce/annul the marriage now. Let her earn back your trust, if she wants to try. Do it as single people and start your relationship over, if you want to. I see absolutely no reason to stay in the M for you.

All of her behavior before the wedding and right after, during her A shows that she doesn't understand what a marriage is. Rather than lean on you during her hard time, she pulled away from you and went into the arms of another man. FOR MONTHS RIGHTS BEFORE AND RIGHT AFTER YOUR WEDDING. If she can't be faithful during this period of your lives, I cannot imagine she will remain faithful when you guys are dealing with hard times in the future.

Thanks for all the word of wisdom. To answer some questions, I have lived with her for 9 years out of the 13 years that we have been together. During those times, we did have the obvious relationship struggles but nothing to indicate this outright disrespect and selfishness. Actually, her aunt and ex sister in law both cheated on their spouses and she always was so vocal about how she was so against it. How infidelity was wrong. So for her to commit the exact act that she hated so much is beyond my understanding. I am all for the divorce, but speaking to my counselor, he just want me to focus on grieving first and get to an emotionally safe place before going through a divorce. To also echo some members reminder of the silver lining in all this is that we don’t have kids, another important reason why a divorce at this point in my life is so liberating. Damn I know there are no magic pill for this shit show but this rollercoaster of emotions and pain is just outright ridiculous.

[This message edited by Strengthserenity at 8:31 AM, January 17th (Wednesday)]

speaking to my counselor, he just want me to focus on grieving first and get to an emotionally safe place before going through a divorce. Damn I know there are no magic pill for this shit show but this rollercoaster of emotions and pain is just outright ridiculous.

Yeah, man. It's tough. We've all been there. Some, like myself, are still there. There's no shortcut. The only way out of hell is through it. Good you're getting counseling. Take a lot of time for you. As ThatGuy123 said, get busy with your business and hobbies. Hang out with friends and family. Reach out.

We're here for you too. You'll find this site invaluable in the coming months. Hang tough.

Her infidility happened during the most romantic period of your relationship - getting married. That raise a huge red flag that she see you as expendable. Also she contacted you after knowing the POS is a real POS. If you are reconciling you have to make sure she has completely change and value your relationship. Otherwise once she grauated and become independet the problem may revisit you with much bigger heart ache.

So for her to commit the exact act that she hated so much is beyond my understanding.

Another way to say it is, who she presented herself to be is not who she was.

You just got airdropped into an up close and personal look at human nature. You probably haven't actually, really, truly looked at your wife in years. Just really see her for who she is, without all of the preconceptions and internal models of her influencing what you see. Like how you can drive to work for the thousandth time and not even remember the trip.

So step back and un-know all of that stuff you thought you knew, and just look at her. See her for the first time in years. When you do, it will make sense, and you will understand. You may not like what you see, but it will be the truth.

Sending strength!

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 9:20 AM, January 17th (Wednesday)]

If you ask me, the only reason she told you is because she figured you would find out about it because of the trouble with the college. That will go public if the media gets wind of it.

If I were in your shoes, I would also end the marriage. Did it ever really begin?

Sounds like you are a great guy who would treat the right woman like a queen. She doesnt deserve you.

She's telling the truth??

She went to his house twice two weeks prior to our wedding and made out with him and they both stimulate each other with their hands.

If you believe this, I've got a bridge to sell you.

What adult does this? What are they, 14 years old?

She isn't telling the truth about her affair and you simply can't reconcile with that.

Sad story.

So the best case scenario is that while you were planning and executing the wedding, she was at her instructors house giving him a HJ, while he had his hands down her pants. She then stands before God and pledges her love and commitment to you for as long as you both live. She then after this has sex with him. All the while knowing you are torn up over what she told you was just sexting. She comes clean because she knows an investigation will bring this all out. This is the best case.

Get the annulment ASAP. You have no kids, and could be free and clear. If at some point she convinces you she is safe, which would be a huge jump for me as another poster said she will be around other figures of authority, you could give her another chance

The best case is enough in my opinion to end this

^^^^^^^This, absolutely.^^^^^^^^^^^

Run.

I would book, and have her take, the poly. You may get a parking lot confession.

And then file for annulment.

Sorry to hear about the situation you've been forced into 'Strengthserenity'.

Glad you're considering annulment of a marriage that didn't exist in the first place. I realize your therapist is asking you to wait but I think that's incorrect. A decisive annulment will help you to heal and move-on faster. I'm not sure why your therapist doesn't realize that, but you need to get it accomplished for your own sanity regardless of what the therapist is saying.

You mention that your hopefully STBX said, “I know I hurt you but I am also hurting too”.

The only 'hurt' that she's experiencing is the embarrassment of knowing that soon everyone will know what kind of person she really is. She's not a victim. She had at minimum a 50% share in what happened. She cheated with full knowledge of what she was doing and full knowledge of what it would do to you if found out. She's not someone worth spending time on. Bring yourself closure. Get your annulment. Don't wait.

Take care of yourself.

Hi StrengthSerenity,

In an earlier post, you asked:

Any resources like books that I can read to ease the pain? Or find more clarity in my situation?

The Healing Library here has already been recommended, and there is a lot of good stuff there. Unfortunately, a lot of the books available are based on people trying to save a damaged marriage, which is not really relevant to you if you are pretty much done, and ready to move on.

One thing you can try is posting questions in the "General" forum here. Whatever you want to ask about, there are people here who will have been through it before you, and who can pass on their experiences and things that they found helpful. Lots of people post there with questions like, "When do the mind movies stop?", "When do you stop feeling angry/sad/lost...", and so on. And people always come forward and offer support.

One other thing you may not have thought about is YouTube. There are loads of talks and discussions about infidelity on YouTube. In fact, a forum member found a video that she thought was good, and several others here did too. It focuses on why people cheat, and although it is aimed at the cheating spouses, several betrayed spouses seemed to find it helpful too, as it gave them insight into why their spouses cheated. So kudos to forum member kaygem, who wrote:

Go to YouTube

Type in: Why We Choose Infidelity A Lack of Self Acceptance

I hope something here may be useful to you, and I wish you well as you rescue yourself from infidelity. You definitely deserved better than this, and there are many wonderful women out there who would have treated you better.

Thank you so much for all the support, I am part of many other online forums( for other interest in my life) but just say the overwhelming support and how fast this forum moves is unbelievable. So thankful I found this place. Though technology in a way was a big factor in how the infidelity pick up so much ground in so little time, It also have allowed me to connect with people like you guys in such fever pace. Thanks again while I deal with this trauma.

I would read codependent no more by Melodie Beattie.

Perhaps divorce care. Also a vrieve vroup.

One thing I would consider is journeying for your self.

If you read some of my posts about my experience, I was married to my wife for 10 years before she started an affair with a 2x convicted child molester. She initially tried the victim card and this guy had a reputation for forcing himself. Our IC/MC wisely would not let her get away with playing the victim. Your wife needs to accept full responsibility for all of it and cannot blame the instructor. How I hate it when women play the victim card... isn't there equal rights now? Equal right for a woman to say "NO!"

So you're facing a major cross-road and have no children. The woman you thought you knew pulled on over on you and has deceived you in the worst way causing more pain than deaths of loved ones. Betrayal is the worst.

You mentioned being Catholic and traditional in your views of marriage. I do want to draw attention to some things to put them in Biblical perspective. Christ was betrayed and denied by those closest to him. He was crucified by those who were deemed the most "religious" of that day. What were his some of his last words? "Father forgive them for they know not what they do." Your feelings of love and compassion for your wife even now are not weakness but strength. Its not the good times of life but the trials and struggles that reveal who you really are.

I believe in marriage to the point of my vow... "till death do us part." I went through hell with my spouse and thank God we are coming out on the other side of this. With that said, I'm going to recommend annulment through the church and here is why...

1. All marital relationships are founded on trust. Without trust, there is no relationship of marriage. Her adultery existed before, during and after the wedding.

2. Your wife has chosen the victim card. She will use your marriage as a victim card in the future because you're forcing her to "change" to be what you want her to be. She needs to be freed from this bondage of marriage and voluntarily herself just as much as you need to voluntarily choose to continue your relationship... not through bondage but through freedom.

3. For your relationship to be able to grow out of this, there needs to be a rebirth. All relationships who make it through infidelity must go through rebirth. How about making a new wedding after the annulment that you both can look back to as the actual wedding day? This gives you both a fresh start... however, I don't recommend planning for a wedding again till after you both have reached points where repentance and forgiveness has really truly taken place.

Regarding your pain... you're on a 2-5 year road. I am at year three and only one year in reconciliation. There was a time where I had no hope for the future, I was bleeding out and would pour my soul to a stranger at the store if they were willing to hear. I was in the pit of despair and it just kept getting deeper when I looked for an escape. I can tell you that time is one of the only healers. Don't look for escapes or shortcuts, they'll only prolong your journey. Concentrating on eating, sleeping and drinking water. Take up a new physical activity hobby and take care of yourself. Time feels like an enemy right now but it will be your friend.

We're here for you and know exactly how you're feeling.

I'm guessing that as far as your WW goes ....it's business as usual?

still staying out late?

lots of school work to do away from home?

still playing the manipulation card?

Which way are you leaning to day, R or D ?

Hi Strengthserenity, OMG, I could have written your story, like uncanny, HS sweethearts, me supporting her through Nursing school, father dying, all of it. Sex once too (still don't know if I'll fully believe it). I know exactly what you're going through. Stay away from booze, it did not help. Your WW sounds like mine after Dday, but expect more TT. Just wanted to lend support brother.