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I had questioned their ‘friendship’ for years. She was my (best) friend too...or so I thought. I knew they talked regularly, outside of our couples friendship and that she relied heavily on my husband for advice and support as her husband declined, mentally and physically due to many health issues. I had NO idea what an EA was. I just knew that I wasn’t comfortable with their closeness. Whenever I questioned, I was told that ‘they were just friends’ and ‘we’re ALL friends..how could you even think that?’ And so on. UNTIL. One morning, while he was away for the day, I figured out his password and got into his iPAD (another red flag....he would NEVER share his password). And I found 2 emails, from a few years ago, in his deleted folder. He thought he had covered his tracks, but those couple of emails confirmed my worst fears. When he got home, I said to him: “ I know the truth about you and sluntface’. When he said ‘’what are you talking about?’ I said “SHUT UP!!! I am NOT doing this again. I know!!! And you don’t know what I know, or how I found out, so you have one minute to tell me the whole truth, or get out.” I don’t know where I finally found my backbone, but he had NEVER seen me that angry and took it very seriously. He immediately collapsed and begged my forgiveness. When I stood my ground, he confessed all. 14 year EA with occasional meetups for quickies in his car during their lunch breaks. And the physical part ended a few years before I found out....although she would try to lure him back into getting physical again.

He gave me passwords for all his social media and I was able to confirm most of what he told me. He went NC immediately and said that he had wanted to get away from her for a while, but since our families were all friends, he didn’t know how to do it. Ya...whatever... we are now coming up to 4 years out and through a lot of hard work by both of us, I now have the marriage and husband I deserve. I also now know that I can, and will survive and thrive alone if need be. I’m not the same person I was..co-dependent, walking on eggshells, no backbone. .and thankfully, neither is he...selfish, arrogant, liar, cheater. I like to think that the only reason he is still in my life is because I stood my ground and he recognized that the gaslighting was over. And I hope Sluntface is lonely and miserable.

It's funny how they always do the same things! I found out my husband was cheating after taking his phone and reading his messages when he passed out drunk. I had my suspicions for a few months that something wasn't right and well, turns out I was correct! I screenshot and took pictures as proof and went to wake his up by throwing his phone at him. He tried to deny it at first. Then made it seem like I was the one in the wrong for looking through his phone.

He ended things with me when I demanded he leave her, but it only lasted 5 days before he came back with his tail between his legs.

"You need to start talking and you've got one shot to get it right." He told me everything from day 1. It was a 15 year LTA with a married coworker.

Wow

Already commented..

[This message edited by PJswife at 12:19 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)]

My WXH hadn't come to bed and so I found him sleeping in the recliner. An "I love you Baby" message on his phone from this person he once worked with and his password was changed. Asked him about it in the morning and got some story about how it didn't mean anything. I waited and watched and within a few days figured out his passcode. He took his phone to bed with him but I got out of bed and accessed his messages on the ipad and my world rocked. Lots of ILYs and when can we be together and complaints about their spouses. For 3 nights I got up and took screenshots; the things I read about myself broke my heart. I booked an appointment with an IC and that morning I told him I needed the car to go see a counselor.

Him: Why?

Me: I think I'm crazy.

Him: What's going on?

Me: Are you having an affair?

long pause

Him: Yes, but it hasn't gone as far as you think.

Me: Have you told her you love her?

long pause

Him: Yes.

Me: And are you planning a future with her?

Him: Oh no no no.

Me: (in my head - that's the only statement that's a lie)

When I got back I went to see him at work but he wasn't there. He went for a walk to think about things. Right! That night I asked him to leave the house so I could get my balance back. He packed a suitcase and left the next day. Never asked how I knew, never asked for R. Tried to lie about little things until I said I read your text messages and the things I read were horrible so quit lying. He bowed his head and left.

The D process was medium hard. Not as bad as some but not as easy as it could have been because he had OW chirping in his ear.

He had just moved out but swore up and down he was going to take the time to "heal" and cure himself of his alcoholism.

I found evidence of his whores via email.

He pretty much said nothing. Basically a "What do you want me to say? You caught me...Ooops!" kind of hting. It was almost like he didn't care.

She got this pale look in her face, guilty as all hell, and didn’t try to deny anything. She spent the rest of the night answering every question I asked her when I would stop yelling long enough to ask.

We were at my sister’s house for the night and I got up to use the restroom. While there, something told me to look at my wife’s emails. When I finished, I took her phone from the nightstand beside her side of the bed and went to the living room. I didn’t know what to look for, so “someone” suggested looking at her recent searches. There I found the AP’s name and clicked on it. The number of emails was overwhelming and the more I read the more I found out, such as a threesome between my wife and her co-worker and her husband, a potential plan to include the AP for a foursome, his complements on her photos, and so forth.

I began forwarding the emails to my personal address. I wanted to find out what this POS had that was so wonderful my wife would be willing to risk her M to enjoy. I didn’t even get 20% into the emails when my wife had awakened, looked over the railing into the living room to see me on her phone, and hurried down the steps. “What are you doing?!” she asked/demanded. I told her I was reading emails. She took the phone from my hands and went back upstairs. Later, I learned she deleted the emails not only from her own phone but from my email, as well.

That started the snowball rolling down the hill. I now know about 14 EA’s, 7 of which she had sex with. And, I still think there’s more. I hope she’s willing one day to confess to everything. We shall see….

Looking for travel pictures when I couldn't sleep I found bondage pictures of supposedly friend OW who I complained was getting too close (but got hostility and lies of omission about the whole time). I never did find out how long the A was. Later I found plane reservations for an extended job out of state with both their names on it. He said he would ask for a room away from hers ( oh that's gonna help ) Then he cried over the phone and said he was stupid and messed up. Didn't want a life with her.

All that time he was getting worked on that job and I was thinking he's all alone, working long hours, suffering, can't call, exhausted, etc. He would check in a few min. Complain about work, say he had to go eat or sleep. He came home for a few days between Christmas and New year's. It was wonderful. We were so happy together. I saw the pictures just before he was leaving to go back. He didn't say anything. I cried and let my heart out about every shortcoming I ever had. He sat in silence the whole time. Some time in there he must have talked with her to tell her I found out.

Never told me about traveling together. I saw the paperwork the morning of the flight. He looked like he was ill. I said just call later. Then we had several long talks into the night and he cried and cried which is very unusual for him. They had to share a car for the job for a few weeks and they went sightseeing on the weekends. I was falling apart physically then. He said she was going home early. I called the hotel, she was still there. He said job changed and she was still needed but he didn't want me to freak out. I'd been gaslit so much, I didn't know what was true anymore. She came home and he went to another state for three more weeks. He would call me all the time which was so unusual for him. I felt myself detaching. I spent many nights at my sister's house. I didn't want to sleep in our bed.

I finally understood why he had been so distant and rude to me. I remember the last loving messages and texts he sent almost three years ago. Could never figure out what happened. He was talking and walking after work with OW and she was hanging around the shop and sometimes getting work there. Looking at her online resume I can see the jobs she did through WS shop. It was a weird mix of friends/ mutual friends and interests/ worked together previously another place long time ago/ her wanting to get on bigger jobs/ bored with her provider/ wanted bondage sex/ likes attention and role playing/ costume fantasy.

She continued to send texts. He said it was nothing. I said it was unacceptable. He started deleting the texts. She still came into the shop. He said he was only talking business. I moved in with my sister and her son. Never got any details of the A. Thinking back, things will make sense. It must have been several years and a few women while on jobs out of state or the country. I believe he would have gone this last time except she is a cake eater who likes her provider.

Jesus Beachwalker, how do you even salvage that marriage?

Ugly story short.

My WH came home at midnight from a date with his AP. She had threatened to out him and tell everyone he knew unless he divorced me. He basically handed me all of its troubles and felt better at the end of the night. He told me that he wanted me and our marriage. What I didn’t know is that he told her the same thing, And that for 10 weeks he continued his affair, apartment hunted, continue to bash me. Etc. etc. all the standard wayward garbage.

The second confession was when he in his mind had committed to our marriage. He told me everything except for what he didn’t tell me. Eight hours of pure hell. And I think he expected to be forgiven. Quite upset when I was even more angry. He thought he put it all out there and everything should be fine.

Selfish and stupid

I found out when WS brought a condom to an overnight wedding trip in the city. I confronted her via text. She said she brought it for a friend. Maintained that lie for 4 days, while I stayed mad at her knowing it wasn't true.

Fourth day, I was already not talking to her, she sat next to me and spilled some of the beans. She gave me info on some of the sexual parts of the affair, but kept out a lot of details.

WS was very open on doing anything I wanted to make amends. Therapy started 3 days later, working my name into the mortgage, she texted OM in front of me that their relationship was over, worked on getting a property agreement signed that said if she cheats again, I get everything etc. What I saw as lack of empathy that night was after I got the answers I wanted at that moment, she went to sleep even though I stayed up the rest of the night trying to process everything.

Couple months later, I spoke with the OM wife, and realized she had more to tell. I would describe her reaction as being someone who is just sitting there taking the verbal lashing because of their shame.

[This message edited by ReceivedChaos at 10:24 PM, May 25th (Saturday)]

I found out when he tried to pick someone up in front of me, although this is one part he won't admit. People who I didn't even know saw what was going on. I was absolutely humiliated as this was a relative's wedding and the girl, 22 years younger than he, was the owner of the venue. He committed to do work at the venue and possibly be involved in further construction-related issues with someone he spoke with for 20 minutes. The venue is almost 2 hours away and he has a full-time job. A few days after the wedding, I found a lot of texts between them (later found out he was using his work phone also and his work computer). When he was texting at dinner, which he had NEVER done in 18 and a half years, I went online and checked the phone log in front of him and calmly asked him why they were texting during dinner. His face went pale, he began to stutter and then went full out batshit crazy yelling at me saying I was crazy, should go see a psychiatrist, and saying what a rotten human being I was for invading his privacy. Then came my rage, and while it was only verbal, I didn't know the person I was at that time. I left for the night and well, you all, unfortunately know how the emotions come and go. He didn't have a PA, but had an EA, if only in his head. He was going to leave me, unbeknownst to me, when our son graduated college. TT for the next 15 months, lied to 3 MCs, finally, 28 months later is working on himself. Sometimes I wish I'd never found out and he would have left. I'm so broken that this happened, but would have been much stronger if he had just left or had an honest conversation with me.

Forgot important info. He was verbally and emotionally abusing and manipulating our son and me for years, but subtly so as not to arouse suspicion. It was so subtle and he was so good at it that we didn't see it. I can see very clearly NOW!

My WH blindsided me one night with news that he was unhappy in the marriage and had been for some time. We had been married 40 years and he started pointing out every mistake I had ever made, and making me feel like I had been a terrible wife. I pleaded with him for a couple of weeks to work on the relationship and I apologized for all my errors. Then, I became suspicious and I accessed his Facebook page through the history on our computer. I saw only one conversation but it was enough to let me know that he was having an EA with another woman and he was planning to leave me for her. I packed some things and left that day. The next day, he contacted me and said that he was planning to tell me about her. Yeah, right.

I was told by a friend. I remember the moment. I confronted my WW and she lied about it at first, acted completely nonchalant about it later and has shown little to no remorse since. I am to blame, our history was quickly rewritten to make me a bad guy.

The worst moment of my life.

Jesus Beachwalker, how do you even salvage that marriage?

ABANDONEDGUY: I don’t know. She was in IC until we could no longer afford to pay out of pocket for the counselor. I told her she would have to find someone who takes our insurance. That was several weeks ago. Since, I have been in the hospital and took a long time to recover. During that time, she was beside my bed and slept in my room every other night. She seems to be abiding by my NC rules and other conditions I set down. She still needs to find a counselor.

I am thinking that she is still in contact with her LTAP, but she has gotten very good at hiding her tracks. Today, I told the OBS (without my wife’s knowledge or consent) of the A and forwarded what little proof I had, along with my wife’s testimony and what I remember from their email exchanges. If my wife gets angry I contacted her, I will know she and her boyfriend are still in contact with each other. Game over. But if that never happens, then I will believe she is abiding by the NC rule.

As long as my WW abides by the 4 conditions I gave her for me to stay in this relationship, we will continue to stay together and work on our marriage.

Beachwalker, 14 ea, 7 pa...that you know of. Including threesomes.

She is a serial cheater. Most can only white knuckle it for so long.

Do you have an exit plan?

He denied it, obviously. I had found an email account and sent a text code to retrieve the password while he was standing right next to me, saying he'd never seen that account before. Text code rang into his phone, and he couldn't think of anything else to do but read it off to me.

Once I was in the email, and after I stupidly allowed him to hang on to his phone over the next half hour so he could delete who knows what else, he admitted SOME (a teensy bit) of his infidelity and blamed me, I'd changed somehow. I was different. I tried kicking him out and he threatened his life. We have a son and in my son's interest in that moment I let him stay.

He then said he was leaving and would be homeless, and wouldn't come see our son for awhile because he was too ashamed. What I'm saying is, just like the affairs, DDay was ALL ABOUT HIM and how he was feeling.

We're in a better place now but I wish I had called his bluff and made him leave so I could have had a few days without him to weed through my feelings. I think I'd be further in healing now. AND, I wish I would have held my cards closer for longer so I could have found out everything...

Call me the lucky one, relatively speaking.

I started getting suspicious that something was going on and checked our phone records late one night, and concluded that she was deleting hundreds of texts. I then stayed up through the wee hours doing deleted message recovery. I confronted early that morning and got an immediate confession to the EA, followed by a NC goodbye call an hour later. I think there will always be some TT when a BS is exposed, and it did take me a while to get all the answers. I'd estimate that I got 90% of it the first 48 hours, and the other 10% over a couple months. I never revealed my sources and was of course bluffing that I knew almost everything with the threat of D overhanging any dishonest answers. I like to think that she would have been forthcoming either way, but that might be wishful thinking.

There was a denial of PA, but of course I wasn't going to take her word for it. AP lived 3000 miles away and they had only met 6 weeks prior, so I was eventually able to confirm that there was no PA by assembling every bit of available data into a timeline.

[This message edited by recovering2018 at 11:22 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)]