SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Dup Post, but go back and read it again.

You need to get a realistic view of what can and is happening right now.

[This message edited by tushnurse at 4:42 PM, May 4th (Monday)]

Whats happening couldn't be any clearer if she wore a T-shirt with the words "Im a cheater" while screaming she's screwing his brains out at you.

Yes I am listed as the father on the birth certificate. We have the same last name. I honestly don’t even think a custody agreement is the beat route because I am going to be watching him full time, the house is in my name and she’ll move out and I’ll end up with him mostly anyway. Trust me she is addicted to work and hates being a stay at home mom. I’ve basically been the babysitter for years now anyway. I do not expect her to file for custody.

This is the worst reasoning ever, in the same league as "this psycho chick will get better".

Everything will be fine with you taking care of the kid while she fucks the office, her parent's friend etc. until it isn't.

Nothing replaces legal agreements. You are setting yourself up to get fucked over.

You gotta start thinking about the future better.

Your psychiatrist said to get the fuck out? I like him/her. Ask your psychiatrist about the custody plan you have as well.

She literally was like I’m not sure i should even be saying this but you need to get the fuck out. She said gaslighting, manipulation and abuse and she will not change because she likely has BPD.

I'm sorry but I think thats what alot of us are thinking. I think you might have been living with this horrible treatment for so long that you've lost your understanding of how bad it is.

I think you might want to buy a VAR for when this really blows up. I'd talk to a lawyer. Some will give you a free one hour consultation. I'd also start doing a 180 so you can detach.

Good luck.

She’s got a flight booked Wednesday. As far as she knows she is coming back home. She works here and cannot physically take care of him without my help. She is crazy but we both have his best interests at heart. And no I’m definitely not opposed to a custody agreement but I don’t see them trying to take custody. They are not happy with her this time. I want to coparent and keep things as chill as possible so that our son doesn’t notice huge changes just a new place to spend the night with his mom. She knows there is something wrong with her and needs my support for my son’s sake whether we are together or not. For all I know this is what she really wants and she is just pretending she is sorry so I am to blame. What is crazy is we were having sex three times a day that week? She still craves attention after that?

Finally, is couples counseling worth a try or will she just lie to the therapist?

And yes you are right about not knowing how bad it was. Thats what the psych said. I don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like. Divorced parents. Messy. I was a teen. Never has a long term relationship before this one.

Finally, is couples counseling worth a try or will she just lie to the therapist?

To me couples counseling is way on down the line and I don't see that you are even on that path. The first thing you need is a spouse that actually wants to reconcile and be with only you. You do not have that. So what can a counselor do with that? Better to go to an Individual Counselor and learn to accept this. You also need a sober spouse I believe and she has shown no inclination to stop drinking either. Why in the hell would you want counseling with her?

Look you need a legal arrangement whether you believe it or not. You need something fair that is in the best interest of your child and you need it written up by a lawyer. If she has a better job than you and you are primary care giver then you should received child support for your son. Whatever situation you are in now it may change. You don't know how she will react when you start dating someone else. She mat withhold your son. What happens if she gets married down the line and decides she wants the new man to be the daddy? She can withhold your access and then you will need to go to court. Just get an agreement. Be fair. And really think hard about how much she drinks. When I say fair I mean fair to the child too. He deserves better than this.

She literally was like I’m not sure i should even be saying this but you need to get the fuck out. She said gaslighting, manipulation and abuse and she will not change because she likely has BPD.

Yes, it's true that your psych shouldn't be trying to diagnose someone she hasn't met. BUT, in my experience, it's best to believe them on things like this.

There are a few of us here dealing with BPDs. My ex husband is undiagnosed, but when I learned about it for the first time it was like 1 million lightbulbs went off! If I'm being honest, the more I read your descriptions of her, BPD is exactly where my brain went. I'm not a professional, I can't diagnose her, neither can anyone here. But diagnosis doesn't matter, behavior does. Is this the kind of behavior you want modeled for your child? I will not be doom and gloom and say that they can't change, BUT the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Do you want this to be your future? Do you want this to be your son's future?

You might check out r/BPDLovedOnes on reddit. It's a support group for those dealing with this, and there are a TON of resources there.

If you are not legally bound to her by marriage, do NOT make that happen! Trust me, financially entangling yourself with someone like this will set you up for a lot of strife. Regardless of marriage, you still have to deal with custody and/or child support, and that's enough! The last thing you need is a marriage certificate, I promise you.

And no, couples counseling is absolutely not worth it in this case. It's often not worth it during run-of-the-mill cases of infidelity, but when dealing with a high conflict individual like this I don't see it going anywhere other than her blame shifting and manipulating you. She might even triangulate the therapist against you!

Instead, get your ass into individual therapy! Seek out a trauma specialist. The best way to know if they are a trauma specialist is to see if they have experience with EMDR. The Psychology Today website has an excellent search function that will allow you to look up therapists in your area and to see all of their various specialties, as well as their own little bio they write. Many will do phone calls with you for free before setting up an actual appointment to see if it would be a good fit.

So she keeps saying things like I don’t deserve another chance and we should probably split up but then says she doesn’t want to. Is this an admission of guilt?

And she still maintains the texts meant nothing and they are just friends. They were just inappropriate and showed a lack of judgement. Doesnt seem to coincide with her addiction to male attention and saying she doesnt deserve another chance.

Ask her to why she doesn't serve another chance., she knows what she did and why she can't be forgiven. She is willing to end a marriage over a "friend"?

Give her a chance to be honest, have her tell you what she did. If it itoo had for her to tell you face to face, give her pen and pad of paper and a half hour. And don't accept a BS answer.

TAY202020, I'm not sure we can help you. You appear to be focused on salvaging this relationship, when you should be focusing on salvaging your life, and your child's future.

Just the few things you've told us about your wife's behavior screams RUN!!! and I'm sure that's just the teeniest slice of her crazy.

Good luck, you're gonna need it.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 11:09 PM, May 4th (Monday)]

Also talked to my psychiatrist today. She literally was like I’m not sure i should even be saying this but you need to get the fuck out. She said gaslighting, manipulation and abuse and she will not change because she likely has BPD.

Finally, is couples counseling worth a try or will she just lie to the therapist?

In this thread you've called your wife crazy, and having a severe alcohol problem.

Dude. Unless you can find a couples counselor with a magic wand, that should be a NO to couples counselling.

You should see a lawyer. You're not married but there's still the matter of child support to be determined. You said she earns a lot more than you do, so you may be entitled to payments. It's not only fathers who have to pay out these days.

Just the Title of this Topic aggravates my PISD...

STBX would constantly Text AP with our children around.

Taking DS for a driving lesson was possibly the worst. It’s nauseating. DS saw most of it...

H would Text her morning, noon and night... his itemised phone accounts shows thousands of Texts and Calls, with Dates, Times etc.

DS, as driving practice would drive the 15 minutes to work and back every day with H supervising.15 minutes and 15 Texts later They would walk into the office.

Looking back, H LOOKED SMUG, DS, DEVASTATED.... it’s no wonder he didn’t get his driving license until he was 22.

she doesnt deserve another chance

She is telling you who she really is and you may be very wise to believe her.

So she says

I don’t deserve another chance and we should probably split up but then says she doesn’t want to. Is this an admission of guilt?

That is I want out but want you to pull the pin. That way I am the victim.

Buffer

Well, this is one of the more ... insane threads that I've read. I'm sorry you're in this situation.

The good news - you're not married. The bad news - you will forever be intertwined with her.

She DOES NOT have your child's well being in her mind at all. Period. If she did she would have gotten help long ago for alcoholism.

The only advice I can give you here is if you have the means to do so, file for sole custody with supervised visitation. There is no way I'd leave my kids alone with her. Ever.

Document EVERY INTERACTION. Save texts and put them on a flash drive somewhere. Use a VAR when you speak to her.

Her A is the least of your problems.

I understand I sound desperate but living with someone who lies with every breath can be disorienting. I’m pretty set on sending to her brothers once she gets my son home tomorrow. Talk to a lawyer and take a few days to figure our how to make it the smoothest adjustment for my son. Again, I own the house, I am unemployed because I had to quit to watch him after covid shut things down and his daycare is shutdown this summer too. So yes a custody agreement is probably necessary and I’ll just explain it to her that if I’m unemployed to watch our son so she can work we need to have an arrangement where she provides child support. She won’t have an issue with it.

I understand I sound desperate but living with someone who lies with every breath can be disorienting.

It can be. However, one way that you can start getting out of the "disorientation" is to accept that everything she says is likely a lie. The disorienting aspect comes from trying to figure out or make sense of lies vs truth. Stop that practice and accept that nothing she says believable. Detach from even the need to figure it out. Don't let yourself drive the reason it can be disorienting.

I'm sorry you are here and for the pain of it all. Take charge. Accept what you know is true. Detach from the pain source and focus on the way forward.