SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Because if it was right, you wouldn't have to hide it and lie about it.

Its wrong because its abusive and devastating to those you are supposed to love and protect. It breaks your promises and oaths and questions your character and morals.

It breaks who you are. And breaks your loved ones too.

I agree it is absolutely wrong. But, if it is wrong, why does it seem to be so acceptable and even expected in our society today?

It is wrong because Infidelity (cheating) is the breaking of trust that take place when you keep intimate, significant secrets from your primary romantic partner.

And they say there are no stupid questions

And they say there are no stupid questions

I'll admit that on the surface the question appears stupid. Yet, despite the inanity, there still should be some understanding as to how and why infidelity is wrong.

What makes it wrong?

We can answer the question of what makes infidelity wrong on many levels. These levels include the moral, systemic (including societal, legal and financial), biological (including health, nutrition and infection), spiritual, mental (including psychiatric and bio-neural with overlapping aspects in the biological level), ideological and theological levels just to name a couple.

Not every one of those levels applies to everyone affected by infidelity, nor do those applicable impact in equal measure.

Infidelity is on par with murder as it is a crime in which a person is destroyed by the perpetrator in order to realize a selfish objective. Yes, destroyed because the victims of infidelity (the BS) is murdered at the core and would never be the same person after.

To explore the impact of infidelity on any one of the levels negatively impacted would necessitate at least a doctoral thesis in each field.

No, this is anything but a simple question.

It is fraud. They should be arrested and put in jail :-).

This is one best answers .. ^^^^^^ by Dictum V

[This message edited by dancin-gal at 2:07 PM, August 19th (Wednesday)]

We can answer the question of what makes infidelity wrong on many levels. These levels include the moral, systemic (including societal, legal and financial), biological (including health, nutrition and infection), spiritual, mental (including psychiatric and bio-neural with overlapping aspects in the biological level), ideological and theological levels just to name a couple.

No, this is anything but a simple question.

DictumVeritas:

Good thoughts. I agree that this is not a simple questions.

Infidelity is wrong under basically all existing religious texts.

Infidelity is wrong under utilitarianism because it causes more harm than pleasure derived.

Infidelity is wrong under deontological ethics because it fails the categorical imperative.

Infidelity is wrong under consequentialism because the consequences are shit.

Infidelity is wrong under virtue ethics because it is dishonest.

Infidelity is wrong under pragmatic ethics because it is generally accepted by society as wrong (pragmatic ethics can be awfully circular).

Infidelity is wrong under essentially all religions and all systems of ethics that have right and wrong.

Infidelity, like theft, assault, rape, and other common crimes is something shitty that people do because they knowingly choose to violate someone else for their own temporary gain, and we punish them for it. Infidelity used to be punished in both criminal and civil law. It was used as a law unevenly against women, and now we have (generally) decided to not legally punish people for it at all, and we call that "equality".

Let’s get to the basics. We pair bond because we have children, usually, that need a nurturer and a provider. This seems to be true across all cultures. Even those that practice polygamy still have nurturers and providers. Honestly, a woman can start having babies as soon as she begins her period and can continue to have them until menopause. There are several Instances of those women on television. They will have 20 or more children. There had better be someone there who provides protection and financial security. It’s just the way we were designed. You can say it’s from God or from evolution but it’s who we are. Cheating is a threat to that pair bond. It is a threat to the unity needed for children. It is a threat to the person who can’t provide. Some men like to think they have the biological right to plant their seed wherever they can. I want you to take a look at our culture right now and see how well that’s working out.

Because I don't enjoy being lied to. It's as simple as that.

I don't think it's a stupid question.

After finding out my WS affair, I did question myself. My WS can't tell me who I associate with,so what right do I have to control him and his life? And if I thought like this, why did it hurt SO BAD?

Well, he can't tell me who I can or cannot associate with, but if I'm honest with him, he can make decisions regarding my behavior and act accordingly (ie by divorcing me, and getting full custody of the kids if I'm a druggie and hang with other druggies, for example).

Infidelity is wrong because it removed me from making informed decisions about my life. It also took my agency away to protect myself (my dignity, my health, my money) and my agency to protect my children (ie by meeting OW and letting her hold my baby and talk to my kids, and having a window in their lives).

The technics used are abusive because they are designed to skew somebody's reality (in my case he was working a lot to learn his new job, everything was good between us, Ow was not part of my husband life after that 1 time I met her - he never saw her again). All lies, and what it did was I had no agency over my life and also I was not able to protect myself from consequences (ie possible firing from WS at his workplace)

After dday was the same. I still got minimization, trickle truth etc. WS was still trying to manipulate me to reconcile with false info (nothing happened! She was just a friend!). And that's one of the reason I divorced my husband. Because he still didn't accept that I had the same right as him. He could have an affair. That was his decision. I also could divorce him because I decided not to be with somebody who could potentially give me stds and be unfaithful. I always had that choice. So did he. I'm not a caged bird.

ETA: Also the technics used as very detrimental to the psyche of the abused. Hello trauma, hello PTSD, hello mind movies, triggers etc. Hello self esteem down the pan since we fell for the manipulations and blame shifting etc.

Had I know that there was somebody at work that he fancied and who felt the same about him, I would have made a lot of different decisions.

I didn't know. He knew. And used my trust and my belief that he was a good guy to take my right to choose and protect myself and my kids. And that's why it's wrong.

At its most basic level, stripping away everything else, the answer to why cheating is wrong is simply this:

Because it's dishonest.

It's lying.

I don't care about the "vows" - you don't have to be married in order for it to be wrong. If you are in a monogamous relationship then cheating is misleading, disrespecting, and lying to someone by doing things you agreed, together, not to do.

If you're looking for a dissertation on monogamy, that is a different issue altogether.

There are laws in place to protect us as a society. It’s too bad there are no laws regarding cheating on your spouse.

There used to be laws against adultery. But these laws have been done away with in most states in the USA or else mostly ignored.

36

Not to be sidestepping, answer this:

What is right about infidelity?

Give it some thought. Along with all the information just gathered on this thread, there are hundreds upon hundreds of books, therapy hours, even an industry built on the wrongs of infidelity.

What could possibly be right with infidelity?

Let some lame ass cheater tell some story about how it makes their marriage better? Really, what tools did that individual deploy to make things 'better'. Tools you want to teach young children, your children? I could go on and on.

So my answer, to your very astute question is; nothing. No Caps, no explanation point, just nothing, the dark black hole of nothing.

36, just a follow up question, if I may: What does infidelity create?

That answer supports my original question.

36, just a follow up question, if I may: What does infidelity create?

That is somewhat of a philosophical question. It could create offspring. It could create intimacy knowledge...It could even give someone the knowledge that they are a lying, conniving, person of low character.

I think nothing good comes from infidelity.

[This message edited by Vomitousmass at 11:25 PM, December 10th (Thursday)]

There used to be laws against adultery. But these laws have been done away with in most states in the USA or else mostly ignored.

I find this very interesting. Modern society would be mostly shocked, say for instance if a person was jailed in North Carolina for committing Adultery. Some of us may think it deserving.

On the extreme if a woman is stoned in Saudi Arabia for the same crime, the World is outraged. (I have found that woman were more harshly punished for this crime than their male counterparts).

Having given this more thought, it is my basic human right to NOT be subjected to adultery by my SO.

And what of the AP? Punishment for them under some laws are almost equally harsh. But in my case, the AP walks away without giving me or my children a second thought and moved onto the next WS... thus repeating the crime over and over.