SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know this may sound like a stupid question, but again, I am working on a book and I am trying to develop some concepts to add to my chapter list.

I am not looking for religious answers. Feelings about infidelity seem to be similar among religions, agnostics and atheists.

Why is infidelity wrong?

It is wrong because...

Please complete that sentence.

If you're married you made a vow not to commit adultery even in most non religious ceremonies.

You're taking someone's ability to choose by not giving them all the facts.

You're hurting the one person you promised not to.

You're lying to the one person you promised not too.

Lots more but those are a few.

Why is embezzling money from your company wrong? I mean, it's not like you stood up in front of witnesses and promised not to do the EXACT FUCKING THING! Sorry, but I am having a bad week and really hating cheaters right now.

Listen, this sounds like echoes of Ester Perel and you are going to get varied responses. My guess is that they will vary from are you serious to are you fucking kidding? In a nutshell, it wrong because you agreed to those boundaries when you married. If you want to renegotiate your contract, fine, but be prepared to be a free agent, to borrow a hockey metaphor. One partner cannot unilaterally change the terms, and that is essentially what an affair is. You can't shift the goal post during the game. You can however walk off the field. Cheaters are basically cowards and IMHO quite thick. They avoid doing something difficult, like working on the relationship or leaving in a mature fashion, by doing something much worse, destroying everything around them.

Hamlet, Shakespeare's idiot prince, apologizes to Laertes for causing the death of his entire family by saying that he shot his arrow over his house and injured his brother. Like it was an accident. Try throwing a lawn dart over the fence during a pool party and the arguing it was an oops, my bad.

Here is a question. Why is it wrong to abandon your child by the side of the road? I mean, what if you really dont want them? Like super really. Maybe they are really pissing you off. It's not like TV or those stupid parent books. It's hard and not fun anymore. Because the moment you CHOOSE to create a child, you agree to all the shit that goes with being a parent. I mean the hard stuff. By intertwining your life with another, you agree to treat that life with dignity, respect, and care. Now tell me why cheating is right?

Because it's dishonest.

It is wrong because one person is making choices about the COUPLE'S life together. It makes the relationship lopsided, particularly if the unfaithful party begins demanding more of the betrayed party without giving much in return (this tends to be a common trajectory in affairs).

Additionally, the unfaithful party potentially robs the betrayed party of their health, and, in some cases, that is a lifelong issue for the betrayed party and someone they had no information with which to make an informed choice about risks to their health.

In short, it is stealing from the marriage in emotional currency to give to a party outside the marriage, often at the same time demanding more emotional currency from the betrayed partner for themselves.

Cat

Because (rhetorically, not aimed at original poster)you, the adulterer, had a much better, more honest, less hurtful, non-vow-breaking, less selfish, and quite frankly easier choice. Leave your spouse first. Then pursue the other person.

Not really all that perplexing of a dilemma.

[This message edited by Idiotmcstupid at 8:13 PM, July 30th, 2020 (Thursday)]

Because it breaks vows that have been taken. It causes devastation - not only to the BS but to children, family members, friends. Innocent lives are changed forever.

Because you, the adulterer, had a much better, more honest, less hurtful, non-vow-breaking, less selfish, and quite frankly easier choice. Leave your spouse first. Then pursue the other person.

Not really all that perplexing of a dilemma.

I am not the adulterer. I also am not Ester Perel.

This is merely research to gain the perspective of others.

It is wrong because...

It is deception

It deprives another being of free will

It is a form of rape

It breaks a vow of loyalty

It privileges one person in what was supposed to be a binding contract for an equal partnership

It willfully endangers the physical health of another in some cases at a life-threatening level

It is a form of mental torture.

it is a sin recognized as such in every major world culture on the planet -- regardless of theism, polytheism, etc.

It destroys families

It hurts innocent children

it creates unwarranted chaos

It violates the inner integrity of the adulterer

It tears at the fabric of society and destroys social capital in communities

You're stealing the personal agency of your partner and introducing falsehoods into their personal narrative, and you're doing both solely to benefit yourself.

I think when you partner/couple/marry someone, you start to merge your soul. That might sound hokey/spiritual blah blah, but really, you start to become one entity. You are A couple. The pastor says, "two shall become one" etc. But you really do put that person in front of or equal to your needs. You develop a trust that your needs and vulnerable places will be protected and honored as you are protecting and honoring their vulnerable needs and places. When someone cheats, it breaks apart that soul connection. You can't trust that you can be vulnerable. You can't trust that your needs will be met. You can't trust the other person to respect and honor you. You can't trust that person to have your back. You start to wonder what really IS real.

I think it's a very important question for us to wrestle with. Yes, we were hurt beyond our wildest dreams. But for me, wrestling with that question helps me understand why it hurt so much.

So if you take it to another level of question- why is killing someone wrong? - Because besides the obvious, "God said not to," it's because life should have dignity and respect. And when someone cheats on us, they take that away, too.

[This message edited by Minnesota at 8:13 PM, July 30th (Thursday)]

I am not the adulterer. I also am not Ester Perel.

This is merely research to gain the perspective of others.

I know, I meant rhetorically, I apologize for the confusion

It is deceitful. It is dishonest. It is a betrayal of trust. All things we learned in kindergarten not to do.

If you don't want to be faithful / monogamous, then don't get married (or agree to an exclusive partnership).

It's really not that difficult.

There is nothing right or correct about infidelity.

If you break the word down and take it out of a religious context to Infidel.

“To be an infidel means you are not faithful in any way. It gives an impression of a man/woman who is adulterous, dishonest, unbeliever, wicked among other terms“

Infidelity is soul destroying. Nobody has the right to destroy you to your very core.

Everyone involved in infidelity is affected in a negative way.

How will my own children recover from this?

I will live in fear for them for the rest of my life.

Because when you promise to be true and faithful to someone you have a moral obligation to keep that promise. Because unprotected sex with another person puts your spouse at risk. Because when the one person in the world you trust implicitly lies about something that important you realize they'll lie about anything and it destroys your ability to trust anyone. Because when your husband cheats with a woman who is younger than your children you lose your self confidence and self worth. When that woman is also married with two small children their family life suffers as well. Because when her husband begs your husband to stay out of their marriage and he refuses your heart breaks for everyone involved. Because when you've been married for 31 years you expect to be able to grow old with that person but, instead, you're left alone and broken...emtionally, financially and spiritually.

[This message edited by UelaLoca at 8:52 PM, July 30th (Thursday)]

Because when you promise to be true and faithful to someone you have a moral obligation to keep that promise. Because unprotected sex with another person puts your spouse at risk. Because when the one person in the world you trust implicitly lies about something that important you realize they'll lie about anything and it destroys your ability to trust anyone. Because when your husband cheats with a woman who is younger than your children you lose your self confidence and self worth. When that woman is also married with two small children their family life suffers as well. Because when her husband begs your husband to stay out of their marriage and he refuses your heart breaks for everyone involved. Because when you've been married for 31 years you expect to be able to grow old with that person but, instead, you're left alone and broken...emotionally, financially and spiritually.

Humans pair up to protect and support each other. When someone cheats they no longer "have their partners back." Thus the stab in the back. Thus the true physical pain felt by the betrayed.

GMC, I’ll second your response, it’s dishonest. I suspect few betrayed spouses would marry knowing their spouse lie to them, repeatedly, hide another person in their marriage.

Because it is a coward’s way to avoid reality and facing personal issues.

It is cowardly and selfish behavior.

It destroys lives. Families are torn apart due to infidelity.

There are laws in place to protect us as a society. It’s too bad there are no laws regarding cheating on your spouse.