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Boadicea ( member #18032) posted at 4:16 PM on Saturday, November 1st, 2008
I also regret not listening to my inner voice, which said he was having an affair in May '06. They had met in mid-April '06.
I regret not contacting the MOW's spouse right away. Even though he already knew, it could have helped established NC sooner.
Oh well, hindsight is 20/20 as they say.
Right now, my eyes are wide open and I will never again disregard my instinct, which is there to protect me.
“One man’s folly is often another man’s wife.” Helen Rowland
survivinglies ( member #19376) posted at 5:45 PM on Saturday, November 1st, 2008
I wish I hadn't backed down every time he got angry.
I wish I'd called the OW when I found her number on a piece of paper in his wallet.
I wish I would have kept her number now (13 years later).
I wish I would have insisted on a polygraph the first time.
I wish I would have prayed harder and taken more of a stand when he headed down that slippery slope.
I wish I had SI 13 years ago and I wish I had done the 180 until I had the truth.
BS (me)
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 23, Together: 26, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-08 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
Isaiah 40:31
still confounded ( member #7826) posted at 2:06 AM on Saturday, November 8th, 2008
"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.
jjct ( member #17484) posted at 1:06 PM on Wednesday, November 12th, 2008
k9lover1 ( member #8531) posted at 6:29 PM on Friday, November 14th, 2008
D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late. He died an alcoholic on 9/5/17.
katherine41 (original poster member #5792) posted at 6:08 PM on Sunday, November 16th, 2008
shihtzu ( member #21638) posted at 6:44 PM on Sunday, November 16th, 2008
I'm so glad to have read your post. I really like the part about defining my must-haves and putting some sort of time line in place. Thanks for your wisdom.
Me-BS, age 50
Him-WS, age 63
OW's - age 34, mid-40's, 25
D age 24, S age 22
D-Day 11/11/08
Filed for D 12/12/08.
D final 3/09.
Can't imagine spending the rest of my life with someone who has been lying to me for most of our marriage.
wonderingbull ( member #14833) posted at 9:55 PM on Wednesday, November 19th, 2008
The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...
James Taylor
hurtingstudent ( member #17432) posted at 3:19 PM on Sunday, November 23rd, 2008
Bump to hopefully help someone today.
If epilepsy has touched your life, or for more information visit:
for support & info: www.epilepsy.com
for info & research: www.epilepsyfoundation.com
to track seizures: www.trackseizures.com
still confounded ( member #7826) posted at 2:48 AM on Monday, December 1st, 2008
"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.
thetruthwins ( member #21722) posted at 3:30 AM on Monday, December 1st, 2008
I would have to add: KICK HIM/HER OUT ON DDAY!
It's true of dogs, children and horses - consequences for bad behavior MUST BE IMMEDIATE. If someone hurts you more than anyone has even hurt you, why should they have the comforts of home?
I found out on the phone and didn't even let him come home to get clothes. I took him a change of clothes and toothbrush the next day.
I know many BS' are worried that you are pushing your WS into the OPs arms, and maybe the WS will go see the OP first... but eventually they will want to come home. And coming home should be be both attractive and conditional. Lots and lots of conditions.
I did it, and I'm glad I did.
Me BS age 40
Him WH age 41
Son age 5
ONS on 10/31, DDay 11/1 but problems with prior deceit, porn addiction, general compulsiveness. I wouldn't let him come home on DDay.
Update: He's in IC! Yay! Moved home 11/26, things are going great. Whew!
katherine41 (original poster member #5792) posted at 3:54 AM on Monday, December 1st, 2008
Respectfully, I disagree about kicking them out on D-day. IMO, it is far easier to track them when they are still living at home. I kicked mine out on D-day and wished I had not in retrospect. I would have saved the kicking him out for either (a) when I went NC on him or (b) when I was DONE and filed for divorce.
[This message edited by katherine41 at 9:56 PM, November 30th (Sunday)]
KJac ( member #21332) posted at 3:02 PM on Monday, December 1st, 2008
In my personal situation, kicking him out was the only thing that brought him out of his fog immediately. Three Dday's with blameshifting, gaslighting, etc. and the only time I didn't have to deal with that crap was on dday #2 where I just said right away, GET OUT. IMMEDIATELY he was 'out' of the fog. Spent months pursuing me, I got more honesty than I ever have, etc.
That said, I did not stick to my boundaries when I finally let him come back. H quit IC and MC after awhile, etc. MY mistake was wavering on MY boundaries. Should have been a deal breaker but I honestly think I was so busy enjoying the 'honeymoon' phase that I didn't want to rock the boat. BIG MISTAKE.
Dday #3 was just like the first with blameshifting, gaslighting, LYING, DENYING and my playing right along with crying, not standing up for myself (at least not right away). I have wasted the last 3 months when I could have/should have been moving my arse in the right direction.
Hindsight IS 20/20! I may be a tad on the 'slow' side - after 14 years of this crap I guess that's a huge understatement - but I finally 'get it'. I have made my boundaries CLEAR and while he is doing his usual song and dance (took MUCH longer for him to come of the fog this time because of MY behavior) I am MOVING forward with separation/divorce because I will not wait around for him and another false R followed by more A's and more PAIN, humiliation, disrespt, etc...
Thank you so much for those of you who bumped this post because I need(ed) to hear this.
Why on earth would I expect him (or anyone else for that matter) to treat me respectfully when it is/was clearly not something I required. I can say anything I want to the contrary but my actions speak louder than words, as do his.
Me-BS39
Him-WS/STBX41 Last OW/Current GF22
M 17yrs Together 20
Cheated our whole relationship Multiple Ddays, Multiple OW, Multiple EAs and PAs
DS19, TwinDSs18, DD13
DIVORCED 11/14
postitnotes ( member #18830) posted at 3:04 PM on Monday, December 1st, 2008
I wish I wouldn't have come across as so needy. I wish I had his stuff on the deck, with a not and the door locks changed. I don't think he would actually have left, but I think it would have shocked him out of his fog alot quicker.
Instead he just sat at home being glum for a long time because he missed her.
dizzney ( member #21689) posted at 4:04 PM on Monday, December 1st, 2008
I wish I hadn't believed that he had revealed everything on D-day number one.
Married currently 22 yrs (dday 20)
8 kids (6 to 21) (dday 3 to 18)
Dday-7/10/08
HIM-9 yrs secret email, 5 yr EA, 3 yr PA
w/college gf, MOW/3kids
Separated since NOV. 09
confusedforsure ( new member #21845) posted at 12:28 AM on Tuesday, December 2nd, 2008
This was a great post. It is helping me to stand strong when I want to hide away and ignore what is happening right under my nose. Texting might seem like a fun thing, but I can't help but wonder how many WS's have been caught this way. Have they never heard of deleting what they write. Just shows how stupid they think we are.
alluringillusion ( member #4029) posted at 4:59 AM on Tuesday, December 2nd, 2008
"I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."
Stayingstrong27 ( member #21694) posted at 11:48 AM on Tuesday, December 2nd, 2008
Awesome post! Healing Library please!
Stayingstrong27 ( member #21694) posted at 1:29 PM on Tuesday, December 2nd, 2008
crane22 ( member #20709) posted at 5:26 PM on Thursday, December 11th, 2008
Bump to help someone. It helped me when I was going through hell.
Hope it helps.
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