SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What is IC?

Just read a message....on her email. She is looking for a place to rent. I guess that changes things a bit huh?

Oh...MAN!!!! THIS IS HORRIBLE!!!

NOW SHE IS LEAVING????

Goose,

I may be jaded as I ended in D.

But I think those that can afford to seperate should.

Especially if it is a WW leaving without the kids.

Just puts a BH in a better bargaining position if things go south.

Trying to get a WS out of the fog while living together is very difficult.

Probably even more difficult for the BS as they are expected to get over it.

Protect you and the kids and keep doing what you have been doing.

Good Luck, you have a lot of support here.

T

You have to let her go goose.

You'll have to pretend you don't know to protect your sources of information, but it gives you time to put the calm on.

I'm guessing she didn't tell you about leaving either, and you found out through your investigative modes?

This behavior is a predictor - at least right now, until she's capable of owning all her shit - of what is to come...I'm sorry man, she's so broken. You'll always be retrieving and fixing crazy brokenness until she owns up.

You know what remorse is. You've felt it yourself.

Good on you too, telling the other BS is the right thing to do, I'm glad you have made that a goal. The sooner the better.

Sell the lousy audi yet?

Yeah I just saw her email message. She is planning to take the dog to. SHE CHEATS>>>THEN TAKES MY LIFE AND WANTS TO LEAVE!!! THIS IS MY WORST NIGHTMARE!

No it isn't brother, calm! Her leaving advantages you...

Get with your L. Discuss it with him. This action on her part may be the very thing that keeps you from being pauperized for life.

Breathe my friend, it's going to be ok.

Is she trying to take the kids? In my eyes, a WS who is leaving should get their clothes and personal items. Be prepared that she may start to start acting like you are being unreasonable that she has to find a place to go. It's gonna get crazy. My WH was livid that I wouldn't fill out some paperwork from his lawyer when he got a DUI because he was "too busy".....too busy going out with OW. She may make you feel crazy that she has to get out in 1-2. "That's not enough time to find a place." Well, shoulda thought of that before you stepped out of the marriage commitment. She is uncomfortable now that her affair is out in the open and now that she has to make hard decisions. She's going to lash out and it's going to be at you.

I'm so sorry you are struggling. I remember telling WH he had to leave the home. But when I saw on his email that he was looking at apartments, it killed me. Seems contradictory. But you are in shock. You wish you didn't have to make her leave. You may even wish that she was begging and pleading to stay and doing everything right. These are all normal emotions. I'm so sorry.

IC is individual counseling.

Leaving may be her bid to take the A underground. She may be getting encouragement from that wonderful "friend". I would concentrate on finding OMW so she lands on her ass when she moves out.

These attachments to OM die a messy natural death--your WW can't turn it off like a switch. It isn't a pleasant process to watch.Remember, she already left you a long time ago, and you can't force her to come back. All you can do is expose the A, state your boundaries and conditions, and soldier on with as much dignity as you can muster (180).

She needs to commit on her own to doing the hard work, and arrive at true remorse in her own time. Right now the fog is all around her, and her BFF girl friend is probably whispering in her ear. In addition to taking things underground, moving out may also be her attempt at reclaiming the "upper hand" with you emotionally. So don't take the bait & beg her to stay: try to maintain your resolve & composure, and concentrate on the things you can control.

I know you have a lawyer, get him/her to get the ball rolling. Get custody arrangements started, who gets the dog (or if it goes where the kids are), who pays what...etc.

You have the knowledge which means you have the power, use it and use it wisely.

Oh and sorry to say that IMO she wants to continue with the OM. Have you outed to the BW wife yet?

I just Never saw this coming. I guess I should have. This totally sucks. Ok I guess I have to prepare for this now. Guys THIS IS HARD STUFF> YOU WERE NOT KIDDING ABOUT IT GETTING WORSE. WAY WORSE!!!!!!!!!!!

Goose-em, You did everything you could. I wish I could have been the way you have been when I found out.

Been watching this thread since it started. You are The Man.

Now you become The General. This is war. Fight it like you mean it.

seriously,

go to the bank, take out half of the money and put it into a seperate account. She will clean you out, if she is secretly planning on getting an apartment, Please cover ALL your bases.

Call your lawyer, get as much advise as possible especially regarding the kids.

Protect yourself, she is going underground!!!!

The fact that she CC'd you instead of BCC is a tell-tale sign to the OM that it is for your benefit.

Please see a lawyer asap and get prepared.

If she is planning to leave- do the 180. Don't cry, beg or plead for her to stay. Don't even bring it all up and throw it in her face... just focus on you and the kids. Please try to keep your dignity, it is one thing that is hard to get back after you D or R. You will want to know that you were there for yourself and that you didn't try to "convince" her of staying.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Please know that your wife as you know her is just not "there" right now. It is basically as if she has been taken over by an alien, so it honestly is best to treat her as acquaintance who is a proven liar for the time being. It will save you a lot of heartache until she is out of the fog.

(((goose-em)))

Hang on.

You don't know why she is doing it or what her intention is.

Maybe she is baiting you to see if you will re-act and wants to scare you. IDK and right now--- you don't either.

I remember right after d-day my WH made all these threats about what he was going to do. And I folded like a cheap suit. I wish I had called his bluff right then and there because -what I didn't understand at the time -is that he was playing a game of chicken with me and I blinked first.

There is no way to know what her reasoning is. You have your list of requirements. Stand firm on that.

Let her hit that apartment with 2 kids and see how much she loves her 'freedom'. I bet she is back and begging you for a chance in a week.

It is a hell of a lot easier to be getting your passion on the side when you have a partner at home as a support system....

I don't want to take lightly the idea of your losing the ability to see your kids(step daughter included) on a daily basis - but her plan sounds for shit to me.

Hang in there. Watch out for the power play games. She may be testing you for weaknesses.

Hugs. I am sorry you have to deal with the craziness tonight.

edited to add- not advocating that you let her take the kids. They should stay in the marital home.

[This message edited by redrock at 7:22 PM, March 2nd (Wednesday)]

Who did she send the e-mail to? The recipient is NOT a "friend of the marriage" either.

goose-em,

You are getting good advice, and you have made the right moves (have you told the OM BS?) There is nothing you can do to control another person, use the 180 to take care of you, the kids, and the dog. All you can control is you, so do that.

Protect your sources, many of us wish we had. Out the A to the OM BS. See the lawyer yesterday and think about protecting you and the children financially. Ignore her, it is hard, very hard, but ignore her. If she is like my FWW at this stage, nothing you say can change her opinions because she is not thinking or perceiving her world correctly.

They can be a little jaded at times, but there is good advice in the Betrayed Men forum under I Can Relate.

((goose-em

Goose,

Just step away from the CAPS LOCK!!

Things are going to be okay. You're not so much on a roller coaster as a see saw right now. You'll hit extremes in emotions from one minute to the next. It's very hard to keep level headed. But you have lots of support here to help you.

Expose the OM and take away her safety net in him. She'll be without both of you and I would think that should really work to shake her out of the fog or at least push her in the right direction.

Stay strong and know that everything you are feeling and thinking is normal. We have all felt the same way at one point or another. It does get better as you start to feel more numb emotionally. I think that's the 180 working. Having her out if the house will help you gain emotional stability a little quicker than having all the emotional drama every night.

Let's work out your plan to tell OBS and expose the A from the other side. Focus on one thing at a time.

Ok I can deal with this. That was just a huge shocker to see.

And I can live without the dog.

She is going off the deep end. I'm going to call the other spouse tonight.

I have already protected my immediate cash..so I guess I need to relax.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I was hoping my little daughter wouldn't have to see her leave or have my wife take her. But I guess we are going to cross that bridge anyway.

My wife works so technically she can't steal her...she goes to preschool during the day.

I'm not going to fall for this shit....And you are right I can't control her. And at least I have a heads up before I find my house empty.