SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Awesome daughters. God bless them.

No real advice. Just letting you know I'm thinking about you. It sucks now, but you'll get through it. Just think before you act.

Best of luck.

What bothers me is that you are going through this all alone. I feel that you need more people on your side, especially in the coming few months when the stress of the discovery will fade and your adrenaline levels will get back to normal. Perhaps you have close friends or family of your origin, or, at least a counselor with whom you could share your stress and burden? You and your girls do need to learn how to take care of yourself and not let this trauma to stay unaddressed.

Also, if you find a picture of Mr.Quebec's junk, I would consult with your attorney if you could use it as an evidence of his unprofessional behavior to get him fired. Maybe its me, but I like to see people responsible for their actions.

She called and we talked. I tried to stay strong but ended up showing weakness. I had been riding a wave of adrenaline and anger for the last 24 hours and I think I just ran out of gas while we were talking. She could hear it in my voice that I was starting to lose it. My nose was running and I sounded pathetic.

She now now admits that they kissed in his car on Monday when they arrived back at work and he felt her up while they were making out. She says that they did plan on more kissing during the party but swears that she never promised sex. The thought of some asshole rubbing my wifes vag while she puts her tongue in his mouth may as well be sex as far as I am concerned.

I told her that I can no longer trust her and that we need to start formal separation at this point. She says that it was just a fantasy that got out of hand and that she would spend her life trying to make it right. I told her that this can not be undone.

You have been hammered with so much information and so many suggestions that I can’t imagine you can cope with it all. You must be physically exhausted and that diminishes your capability to handle this situation. If you can then tell her not to come over right now, order in and try to get some sleep.

I’m going to suggest you take some time and THINK.

I strongly recommend that you only work with what you know.

You know enough already. You know your wife is having an affair. You know where it took place and who he is. What you don’t know is the extent of the affair and you don’t have a believable timeline.

However, … You do have a tremendous tool in her phone and once you have that data you can corroborate it with her story and other evidence. There are other tools you can dig into: bank accounts, her work e-mail, possibly HR, her boss… But I think once you evaluate what the phone gives you then you will probably have a clear picture.

Aa an experienced investigator then I saw holes in a lot of what you shared regarding what happened at the party. Holes don’t mean the signs are wrong, only they might be read in more ways than one. However, the fact she hid his contact info under Jennifer… THAT is the clincher. That is the smoking gun. After all – if it was all innocent and “not what you think” then why not just use his real name?

If you read the suggestions offered, then IMHO there is no way you can avoid going crazy with concerns:

OM is in a hotel – now he’s in a house – no it’s the bosses house – boss is in on it…

She needs to resign – now her resignation is an indicator that the affair was deeper than she has shared…

The timeline can’t be correct… It’s fast, but a lot of what we already know supports the timeline might be reasonably accurate.

If she talks to him alone at the party, it’s an affair – if they talk in a group they are all in on it…

She met him in her former job (as if all companies are hiring the same Canadian French IT project manager…)

They must have had sex. No way to avoid that…

It’s ALL SPECULATION at best – unnecessarily making things worse at worst.

Deal with what you KNOW. It’s bad enough already without having to deal with more than you can conjure up in your imagination.

Realize that as you go along you will learn more – that in turn will help you with getting even more. This will take some days before you will feel like you have a clear picture.

Keep in mind that IF you decide you want to reconcile then it needs to be done on a basis of truth.

IF you decide to reconcile she needs to tell you EVERYTHING and at the level of detail you need. The truth will come out. Heck… even IF she tells you everything now it’s likely that tidbits – even important ones – will be dropping for the next couple of months.

You don’t need to decide now if you want to divorce or reconcile, but if you are decided on D then some of the actions taken are not to your advantage. Like her job. If you are committed to divorce, then it’s to your advantage that she has a job.

Early on in this thread you used some words that make me think you are inclined to divorce. You mention how easily you can replace your wife and you call her a bitch. Maybe that was posted in the heat of the moment, but If those sentiments are true then I’m going to suggest you divorce.

There is talk of punishment. I wish it was so simple. You can’t whip her or make her run laps or sit in a corner. She needs to face consequences and some of them will be harmful, but there really isn’t any punishment. If you want to divorce then do so because you want to divorce, not to punish her. If you want to reconcile then EVENTUALLY, the work required for R should create a good marriage. But don’t underestimate how much work that is…

When you meet her (and I suggest you first get some sleep) then the main thing is to listen. You should be listening for at least 90% of the time. Sit at opposite side of a table. Make this business-like. Take notes. Print out some e-mails and have them face-down under your notebook. When she says something, you aren’t certain about then look at the e-mail and ask her if she’s sure about what she said. Be dead-calm.

If the talk is going in a direction you don’t like, then call a time-out. Go get a drink of water or whatever. Just get out of the situation to cool down and think.

There are a couple of statements you might want to have ready:

“The only way this marriage has even the slightest chance of recovering is if you tell me the total truth. Be careful – I already have a lot of evidence and what I have is more believable and reliable than you. I will also be getting further corroboration. Be aware that if I discover some discrepancies in your story and what I know or will find it’s going to cause immense damage to any chance of reconciliation.”

“No – Me being distant/unemotionally available/bad in the sack (or whatever excuse she puts here) is not why you needed to have an affair. The affair and the decision to have an affair is totally 100% your fault and you can’t use me or our marriage as an excuse. If you do that it will only enforce my doubts that this can be saved”

Focus on getting FACTS and a good timeline. If you can avoid getting into the why’s. It’s too early for those.

DaninOH

If you are decided on separation and divorce then stop all contact with your wife for now other than to reiterate your decision and suggesting she go back to her boss and get’s her job back.

You no longer need a timeline or even to know more. What you have already is enough.

Divorce takes time. It’s not something you can DIY in your garage on a Sunday. Go meet your attorney on Monday and learn what the process is.

Go get some sleep.

Now all the pieces of the puzzle are starting to fit together. Let’s be honest, if she hasn’t, she was planning on having sex with OM

Why she didn’t want you at the party ? She was planning to hookup with OM.

Why was OM reacting the way he did ? He was not being “protective” of her, he was angry because your presence put a damper on his plans and denied him sex.

She said she didn’t you at the party because OM would be “protective”? More like she didn’t want you to be there to cockblock her.

She even bought a new sexy dress for her “special” plans with OM.

If it progressed this much in less than two weeks, imagine how far it could Have been for the entire duration OM was around.

They were planning on just “kissing”. Come on, that’s gotta be one of the worse lies I’ve ever heard about.

I think what you’ve known is enough for you to start planning for the future. Even if she didn’t have sex with him, you can bet she would in the very NEAR future had she not been caught.

For now I thinks it’s best for you to wait to access the information contained within her phone

[This message edited by Larryh1996 at 9:32 PM, December 15th (Saturday)]

You know what two adults never said to each other?

"Hey...let's make out some more at the Christmas party, but not have sex".

OH,

You learn a lot more by being a good listener than talking. It's good avice you've received on that aspect. Apply it.

[This message edited by Marz at 9:32 PM, December 15th (Saturday)]

Dan don’t feel bad for showing a little “weakness.” It just shows your human and reminds your WW how she’s about to lose an amazing man for a cheap thrill. I think you handled this situation remarkably. At this point, I don’t think it’s helpful or healthy for anyone involved to figure out how far she went or was willing to go. Whether she planned to just kiss him or go all the way with him at the party is completely pointless. She was deceitful and that’s all that needs to be known. Now take the necessary steps to heal from this... if that means divorce, start the process and remind her it’s not your decision but her actions that caused this to occur. Good job Dan! I know it’s diffiicult but you really have done amazing.

Don’t beat yourself up over getting a little emotional. It’s almost impossible not to. Like you said, you’ve been running on adrenaline.

Agreed, it doesn’t matter how far they went, it is still betrayal. I know it’s terrible to hear, but there is probably a lot more trickle truth coming. You may never know the entire truth, but the most information you’re ever going to get is from that phone.

Listen to what others have said, and wait to speak to her again until you’ve gotten the phone back with all its info. You then have to hold her to every single little thing you find. By no means do you reveal everything you know to her, but if she deviates even a little bit, you have to hold her accountable to it.

I personally went and checked the time stamps on his texts to the OW compared to his texts and calls to me and was able to see that he was gushing about how much he loved me, telling me to hurry home so we could have sex etc. and was on the phone with her within minutes of those messages. Then I also figured out that he wasn’t being honest about where he was... texting me that he was going to see his brother in another city, but the call logs for those days all of his calls were placed and received in LA. He also did a lot of “checking in” to see when I would be home, which at the time I interpreted as sweet, but after comparing to his calls with her, I figured out he was timing his outings with her. A lot of people investigate the texts and emails with the OP, but you should definitely see how the correspond with her timeline, as well as with your own messages to each other.

It seems as though you are on the side of separation right now. You are under no obligation to pick anything right now, just know that from here on out when you say something, you have to stick to it. If you say you’re going to separate and then you don’t go through with it, she’ll see that as a sign of weakness, and she’ll weasel her way back in with sob stories of how sorry she is, and she won’t really be held accountable.

She now now admits that they kissed in his car on Monday when they arrived back at work and he felt her up while they were making out. She says that they did plan on more kissing during the party but swears that she never promised sex. The thought of some asshole rubbing my wifes vag while she puts her tongue in his mouth may as well be sex as far as I am concerned.

Let's get the minimizing and TT party begin, so much for I didn't want you at the party because he was being "protective", she didn't want you there cause she was in an ACTIVE A and wanted to have a great time with OM. Oh how nice that she ONLY made plans to kiss at the party but never promised sex (wink wink), I bet you she didn't promise any make out sessions yet they still happened, minimizing at his best, straight from the "Cheater's Handbook". Stay strong, consult your attorney on Monday and get the texts, you don't have to make a decision right now but if you know this is a dealbreaker for you file for D, if you decide to R keep in mind it's possible but will take about 2-5 years and that's with a remorseful WW and doing all the heavy lifting to restore the M she destroyed.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 9:41 PM, December 15th (Saturday)]

Friend. Get some rest. I know it’s hard. Melatonin might help until you can see your Dr for a possible sleep aid.

It’s ok not to be infallible. No one prepares for this.

As usual bigger has good advice. You do t need to decide anything. Not now, not in 2 months. Take your time. Focus only on the girls and the task of getting the texts.

What was the main purpose of the call? To confess what you shared with us above? We all knew there’d be more. What it truly was is not so important now as getting the truth. The whole truth.

Has she offered to provide that via a timeline?

Tell me. Was she compassionate when you felt you were losing it or demanding and detached? Did she show concern for you at all and how this has affected you?

It’s ok to lose control occasionally. You have that right. It's understandable.

As I said and so now has bigger, if you want to talk to her, just listen, and stick to a list of things she needs to do just to have a chance with you. You have made no promises. You cant control how she reacts. You can only control what you do.

If you need time apart, ask for it. You should each take time and start IC before any decisions beyond your current separation is made. Recommend she set up to stay with her sister for a while. After a few days you will have to provide visitation with the girls. You’ll all have to figure that out, possibly with the help with a lawyer.

Or perhaps in house separation will work. There is time to decide all of this.

The important part is to get some rest. So please try tonight.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 11:04 PM, December 15th (Saturday)]

Go get some sleep Dan. Evaluate the situation over the next couple of days and after you get the phone info. Try not to engage her too much. You don't have to decide tonight. We're with you.

I suggest you go to a 24 hour medical/doctor facility tonight. Ask your BIL to drive/go with you. Maybe the BIL can spend the night.

Tell the DR what happened to you this weekend. Ask for meds to help with sleeping and anxiety.

You don't have to make a decision to R or D at this time. You're going to experience a roller coaster of feelings toward your wife & marriage that will change moment to moment - day to day - week to week etc.

Take at least 90 days. Give yourself space ....read up and implement the 180.

Check in with us - you are not alone.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 9:55 PM, December 15th (Saturday)]

Yeah, I agree with Bigger, please get some sleep and take care of yourself. You have had a hell of a 48 hours. It appears that you have made a very quick decision and at least you know your own mind. As Bigger indicated, there is no need for further investigation or conversation with your WW. You have heard enough to move onto formal separation. Please see your attorney on Monday and you can begin to sort things out and move ahead with the formal separation and start your new life.

Bear in mind that in the near future your every contact with her will be traumatic to you, therefore try to minimize this contact and, preferably, avoid talking to her and communicate only by texting/email. And for God sake, please try to find someone among your friends or medical professionals who could help you get through this acute stress.

Your wife does not have any class and compassion to you by feeding you with trickle truth. Yesterday it was just a Tuesday kiss, today it was Monday's make out (didn't she say what have happened on Tuesday), who knows what have truly happened. But do you need to know more at this point?

Steel yourself for the trickle truth period. It’s truly a brutal time. You can’t even begin to R unless the trickle truthing is finished. And waywards don't understand that TT does more damage to the relationship than what transpired in the affair. Once you lose that trust, you have as much chance of regaining that than Cleveland has of winning the NBA this season (sorry Cavaliers fans...).

[This message edited by Mene at 11:06 PM, December 15th (Saturday)]

I hope that what she told you regarding the sexual part is just it. But that is what I hoped it was when she said it was just some kissing... oh, man, that TT is the worst thing to experience. Because you know, deep down in your gut, adults do more than just kissing and groping. Steel yourself, Dan. It’s going to be a rollercoaster. We are here to help. Ask for any advice. The folk here are good people. We’ve all been through what you’re going through. With time, the pain with subside but you have much more pain coming your way until you find out all the truth.

I am so sorry you are suffering. It is heartbreaking to see a marriage go off the rails

Listen to all the advice and suggestions given by members here. We all were convinced the admissions and pleadings from our WS was honest and true. How wrong so many of us were.

Unfortunately you are being gaslighted. Your WW is minimizing her actions. I wouldn't be surprised if a few months from now you learn she wasn't truthful. In fact it has happened to so many here here it is as if the wayward read a cheaters handbook.

Certainly happened to me and I'm ashamed I fell for my WH bullsh*t. If it happens to you, don't be concerned about the embarrassment of believing a WS. SI has empathetic members here to help.

Get some rest, eat and above all drink plenty of water.

Welcome to Trickle Truth, expect it to get a lot worse with the phone backup. Did you by chance ask for any FB messenger, Whatsapp, Snapchat and any other cheater apps? Do you have access to her email?

JMO the timeline just doesn’t make sense (and if it doesn’t make sense, it’s probably BS) STILL. Me thinks they communicated, at first professionally, then banter, then flirting... POSOM knowing he was going to travel there soon groomed your WW so when he arrived it was off to the races. Not to mention, your WW either has expirence or someone guided her; off-the-cuff cheaters, someone never involved in extramarital affairs don’t hide damning evidence the way she did. JMO

Then again, as Bigger stated, if this was a deal breaker for you, you have enough.