SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m so sorry she made this horrible choice and I’m so sorry you’re hurting.

Try to get some sleep.

Try to take care of yourself and your girls.

Deal with what you know and can prove.

Avoid speculation, theories, and conjecture.

Again, I’m so sorry. One way or another, you will make it through this.

Dan, so sorry you are going through this.

You weren't "weak" - you were being human, a man who has been deeply betrayed by someone who swore to only be with you.

You can see that you are RIGHT to not trust what she says. First they held hands while driving. NOW, they made out and felt each other up. SURELY you realize that when she said "were weren't going to do it at the party" she is flat out lying.

I think having her write a timeline, and then getting a polygraph done based on that would help.

I think getting a PI on this AP may get you some more info -- Facebook may not be giving you everything you need.

Make sure you talk with your girls a LOT -- they will support you, but they are also going through this and will need you to help them also...

Oh yeah:

"She says that they did plan on more kissing during the party but swears that she never promised sex. The thought of some asshole rubbing my wifes vag while she puts her tongue in his mouth may as well be sex as far as I am concerned."

This IS cheating, and she can try to deny that all she wants.

When she says she never promised sex, ask her "what do you think letting a guy play with you says to him"? She is parsing words -- she may have not actually said the words, but her actions speak louder on this one.

don't separate unless divorce is the intention. If it is, then do so.

Otherwise, you are giving her a Hallmark card to cheat and come back to you at some point.

Trust me, I know a couple who got divorced recently. he used the separation to get back in shape and recover from infidelity. She used it to spill her wild oats I guess and had at least 12 partners. 6 months, he took her back until his friends started telling him her exploits. It's over now.

You are making a quick decision without having all of the facts. Polygraph and understand exactly what you are divorcing her for and what is your intent on separation ?

There is more to this story btw IMO. Dealing with her and this guy.

I wonder how many more facts does he need to know to make a decision? She was caught in the act and was forced to confess, which she is having a hard time doing. If not being caught, she would keep screwing that guy for at least until the end of January. Does it really matter "just" making out and planning more making out were in fact BJs, quickies, etc? What matters is that she cheated on him and that now she is feeding him BS in a self-serving way to preserve what has left of the marriage. What does he need to know more? How will that change his decision making?

[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 1:57 AM, December 16th (Sunday)]

Hey man, if it’s a dealbreaker then so be it.

That is totally ok.

There is no rule that says you must stay with a cheater. Or give them and 2nd chance. Even if she did not have sex yet. Even if she becomes the best little remorseful wife in the world.

Why? Because now, after you have heard what she did and what she was going to do, it really isn’t about her. It’s about you.

You decide what is best for you.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:42 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]

I don't have any advice, but as it's been stated, you've got to be overwhelmed by now.

Please get some rest. See your dr if you need help sleeping. Get a protein shake if you can't eat. Just take care of yourself.

Unfortunately this whole mess will be here for you for a while. I'll be praying for you, your wife, and your children.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 6:29 AM, December 16th (Sunday)]

I agree with wordsofwisdom. If you are heading towards D, you don’t need more information.

Forget about TT, forget about what’s on the phone. Forget about timelines, polygraphs, etc....

None of this matters anymore.

Detach from your WW and focus on you and your children.

I agree with poster above about visiting the supervisors house. That is 'off'. Business etiquette where I live would not be ameniable to that unless there was a close personal relationship outside of work. You don't just 'show up' at a supervisors house. If you did, you would be told to leave and address it through proper work channels.

Ugh. workplace affairs are tough to get to the whole truth- but you are doing a great job so far.

My first post....

Reading the updates....something occurred to me.

Re-visit to supervisor…..

Perhaps the APs contact number was in her phone....she didn't have it. She had to get it from her supervisor....and now has it and contacted him.

Just one more detail to be considered if R is considered.

[This message edited by longagohurt at 7:47 AM, December 16th (Sunday)]

I would say that it's a little early to be hard R or D. This will be a roller coaster. Emotions and decisions will change frequently.

Dan, there are members here on SI who have R'd after very long and destructive adultery. There are members who D'd right away. Adultery was a definite and stated dealbreaker. I stated adultery was a dealbreaker for me but it wasn't right away when it actually happened to me. I'm now separated and have filed for D. Decisions when made emotional are often (not always) regretted in some form. Nonetheless, some have made those decisions very quickly and are okay with them.

It's been said that you don't need more info if you're going to D. Everyone is different. I'm a detail person. I needed wanted all of the details and it didn't matter if I was going to R or D. Some people don't want any details other than they cheated. To each his own. You need to do what will help you heal whether you R or D. It's about what you need.

This is a rough, vicious road whether you R or D. You need to look after yourself for your sake and for your daughters sakes. By the way, they seem to be very grounded to me. It will be very rough for them, too. I suggest IC for you and them. A common thought is that it takes 2 to 5 years to recover from a massive betrayal. TT restarts the process back to zero. Or maybe into the negative.

Much has been made about speculation. Those being accused are relying on their own experiences and those others on SI who have been thusly impacted. There's a wealth of experience - experience no one wanted - here. I don't consider it speculation but, rather, what to look for and possibilities. Probably things that the poster wished they had done or not done when they first the adultery.

Here is some more of my "speculation". It seems to me that in a matter of a day your WW knew that all conversations, texts should be hidden behind "Jennifer". How did she know that? Did POS tell her. If so, she readily knew she was cheating after day one. If not, she thought out how to be undetected on her own - perhaps from her own experiences or perhaps from acquaintances. Any way you look at it it shows intent to deceive, lie and that there was more than what has been disclosed thus far. It does make me wonder if this was the first rodeo.

As has been stated already, waywards minimize. It was only one kiss, we only touched over the clothes, we were alone for 4 hours and never even touched. There is almost always more.

Monday will give you more info. It won't be over, though, for a long time after that. Be prepared for the long haul and a vicious ride whether you R or D. A recent video where the link was posted on SI had the presenter saying that 70% of BSs have PTSD. I did.

It's your choice about doing the best for you. Your decision. It's your life. Stay on SI and get support for your journey. Ask questions, vent, wail, show your anger, whatever. There should be caring and support here on SI. I hope and pray your recovery will be shorter than mine.

What kind of reconciliation you are talking about? Not only his wife cheated on him, she has no decency to come clean and instead keeps feeding him with her continuous lying. And you offer him to get stuck in limbo and eat this shit sandwich? The poster is young, successful, good looking and has his morals, self-esteem and integrity. He has a good chance to meet someone else who at least is honest to him. And if he makes a mistake by divorcing her, he can remarry her one hundred times later if she proves herself as a safe partner.

[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 7:51 AM, December 16th (Sunday)]

Why would the sister and brother-in-law NOT want you to know that she went to the supervisors house to resign? Seems REALLY fishy to me.

Also agree with posters above -- I don't know my supervisors home address, how did she? And how did she know it well enough to go their from memory without her phone?

I would look into that more also.

WW and OM did move fast, by lunch on day 2 they knew what each they both loved Thai food

I don’t consider her going to her supervisors, the least bit off. She has been living in a bubble for the last few days, few weeks, a few months, but it was burst in a huge way. I would imagine she is literally panic stricken and hysterical. People do crazy things when they’re in a panic and people do crazy things when they free fall.

This is why I don’t believe the term “fog” accurately describes what people feel when they are having affairs. In a fog you go slowly because you are not sure where you are. These people are ricocheting off of buildings like some crazy people. They don’t live in any sort of rational way. They make stupid, ridiculous decisions and then have to live with them. That is her reality right now. She is probably going to lose her job, her marriage and her good relationship with her children.

VERIFY EVERYTHING:

Did your wife actually resign or did her supervisor suggest an unpaid leave of absence until the OM returns (and she works it out with you) ???

Since the OM is a contract employee there may be no inclination to fire your wife. Especially if your wife throws the OM under the bus .... and only confesses to a couple of innocent business lunches and says it was a huge misunderstanding on the part of the OM.

The OM confronting her husband in the parking lot would be further proof that the OM is acting unreasonable (after just a couple of lunches).

The OM may be reassigned/recalled (not fired) immediately to avoid further embarrassment.

WE JUST KISSED

Two sober adults kissing & petting in a private setting (car) is actually a big deal.

If you’re alive you feel attraction to the opposite sex – but people dedicated to their marriage do not act on it. We erect walls to protect our marriage from ourselves as well as others.

A critical protective wall around a marriage is no-kissing & petting.

WHY?

Studies/interviews with cheaters show (I think I read it in NOT JUST FRIENDS) that the no-kissing boundary (or line) was actually the most difficult (in terms of guilt/shame/moral reluctance) boundary for the cheater to ignore than anything that occurred afterward.

According to interviews with cheaters, once that no-kissing line is crossed it basically flips a mental switch allowing the cheater to justify/accept that the relationship is leading to sex.

In other words, after the no-kiss line is crossed, the door to the bedroom is open – its just a matter of time and opportunity.

The fact that your wife discouraged you from attending the party is pretty good evidence that she either intended to have sex - or was willing to let it happen if the OM made her feel special enough. Two edges on the same sword.

It’s imperative for you to convince your WW to tell you the truth and for you to not rug sweep.

Don’t believe that WW has learned her lesson and that this experience by itself will prevent any new infidelity in the future.

I’m certain WW strongly regrets the affect that her cheating is having on her life but she needs to determine what is broken within (herself) that allowed her to do it.

If you permit her to keep secrets and allow her to avoid giving you the full truth, she will sub-consciously learn that she has a free pass (i.e., because you are so desperate to stay in the marriage that you are willing to believe anything she tells you).

Do not allow her to avoid confessing to her receptiveness/willingness to have sex with the OM (depending on if the OM fulfilled her fantasy and made her feel special).

WHY?

Because it will prevent her from treasuring her affair as a romantic fling/fantasy between star crossed lovers (where nobody was hurt). Her affair will then change from a magical fling/fantasy to the ugly hurtful act of betrayal that it is – and then she may be motivated to fix herself.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:43 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]