SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

No matter how much good, if not great, advice is being given to Dan, the fact remains that his world has been turned upside down a mere 2 days ago. Add 450+ responses from this thread alone, and it may add to the overwhelming sensation.

Dan, do things on a timetable that you feel the most comfortable with. If for any reason you are making some obvious mistake, the members here will help make you aware. If you want to continue to move at a fast pace, so be it. We don't know your personal makeup, and how you prefer to act in the face of adversity. But if you are unsure, and want to slow down and start to absorb all that is going on, you are definitely going to be encouraged to do just that. It is just too easy to burn oneself out in the just-found-out stage.

I'm a fan of Bigger, Stevesn, and the others who suggest to listen more that act....at this time....to hear your wife's version. I'm also a huge fan of making it clear to you wife that from this point forward, anything other than total honesty is going to hurt you....and any chance at an attempt at reconciliation....far more than any acts that may have already happened. You are already thinking the worst. Your imagination from the unknown only intensifies this situation. Any lies, or specifically, OMISSIONS, that occur from this point forward are literal nails in the coffin. So, if she wants to be sincere in helping to put your imagination to rest, she can be brutally honest....to the levels of description that YOU feel comfortable with.

I'll continue this on the possibility that you are unsure of whether you wish to try to reconcile or divorce. In my opinion, one is way too emotional to know for sure what they really want....long term....at such an early time since discovery.

As Bigger stated earlier, everything from this point stems from HONESTY. As much as you hate this, you now have to piece together everything in your life. Tell your wife that unfortunately this infidelity is now making you question everything in your relationship, and now your entire marriage is going to be looked at in a light that has not been viewed for 20 years. That means, if there has ever been anything inappropriate since you first met, you are now going to be looking for that---because that is the gift that infidelity gives to the betrayed....an huge question mark over the entire relationship. SO...if she has done anything questionable through the years, it is going to have a much more positive result to reveal that now....as opposed to you discovering it later.

wordsofwisdom IMO is correct above.

Dan, it's your choice to know all of the details if it gives you peace of mind. That includes if you are headed to D land. If you choose not to, that's ok too.

Some people need the details for closure.

There may be more that meets the eye on this one.

Dan, I like your decisiveness but you have to make decisions based on the truth and the facts and right now, you don't have all of them. Keep a hard 180, polygraph and move forward in the direction that's best for you.

She created this mess, she owns it

Hey dude,

Don't worry about showing weakness or kinks in your armor. You're way ahead of most people who go through this. The revelation is like getting pinned under a truck and getting dragged along the interstate.

Your goal right now should be to just take time, get sleep, eat, and drink water. Any conversation with her needs to come from an emotionless, angerless state. Remember, she wants you to get angry. She wants you to show her that her reason for making her mistake was justified.

Take it easy. You know she's a cheater now. If you want more truth, you'll get it eventually. If you decide you know enough, cool. SI gets out of hand sometimes in the speculative department, as you can see by how many responses are in this thread. Only YOU know your relationship, only you know the situation.

Your greatest weapon is healing now. Detach, focus on your health and your kids. If you decide you want to R, think about what you need from your wife in order for that to happen. If you want to D, see a lawyer. The timeline here is yours now. Don't make a rash decision, stay logical, stay emotionless in dealing with her.

You have a long road ahead of you no matter what you choose. Get back to a spot of logical thinking and choose wisely and most importantly, make a choice that feels the most right to you. Make a choice that a year or two or ten from now you can look back and be proud of how you handled it.

Double.

[This message edited by Falc at 11:08 AM, December 16th (Sunday)]

Dan, been watching the thread from afar. I admire all of your actions date, friend. Whew! The eye of the emotional hurricane.

You’ll need a combination of prompt action, as everyone has advised, but also sooner than later you’ll need to just step back, take a deep breath and exhale, let the monumental tension spin down for a second, and look. Just watch things. In particular watch her. Because it turns out you don’t know her. You thought you did, but like every other person on the planet, she had a secret internal life going on behind that facade. You just got the big glimpse behind the curtain.

So find the time to hit the pause button and un-know her. Forget everything and see her with truly open eyes, likely for the first time in years.

Affairs can blowtorch the bullshit off of life, and paradoxically you’ll often read on here that couples have the first truly frank conversations afterward. It’s a tragedy it happens like this. A tragedy that has ended in suicide here.

Your compass is spinning right now, let The Truth serve as your North Star. Don’t go for what you want to hear, or think you hear, or are afraid you hear. Just the truth in all things.

You didn’t know the truth of your wife until this past weekend. Forget what you knew and start from scratch.

Your wife is likely still living in a world of bullshit and triage, trying to shovel everything under the rug. She needs to get to acceptance, and that takes time. Understand that. She’s lying to herself as much or more than anyone.

If you commit to D, then just know she is your daughters’ mom even if she is not your wife, and work to preserve that while you move on with your new life.

Sending strength!

Jesus 24 pages in less then 4 days, that must be SI record

Just, I think the fact that the whole thing was less than two weeks before discovery is what has everyone fascinated. This doesn’t happen that often to bs. It is almost as if he said one and done and dusted off his hands.

I think the thread took off because Dan was doing a phenominal play by play as things were happening, we were all pulling for him and when it went south we were all trying to be there and advise as best we could. He certainly has handled it better than I did.

Allowing another man to rub her vagina while making out is definitely a promise of sex to come. Even if she did not speak the words, her admitted actions make her intentions clear.

The party was the time she intended to do the deed, you screwed up her plans. And, yes, I too think that her making out and letting him rub her is a physical affair.

She wanted it to happen. She intended to have sex with him that night. She was not thinking of you, your marriage, not the kids. It was all about her.

If she did go from first meeting to making out and foreplay inside two weeks, I doubt this is the first time for her.

It is still all about her. You found out and she is now in self protection mode. She does not want to lose the life style she had.

I agree with TimSC.

DaninOH: Please know that you are getting the best of advice from the best experienced people and they won't lead you astray.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your daughters as you deal with your WW infidelity.

Listen very carefully when she speaks. Jot down information if you need to because later on waywards will at times deny they ever said x or y.

The point about the dress she bought is in my opinion very important. She bought that "sexy" dress for OM not for you and of course as pointed out earlier no doubt the "lingerie" was also for OM as well.

I believe she was strongly hoping you would not go to the Christmas party because her plans as they had fantasized all these past days leading up to the Christmas party was to sweep OM off his feet and into his bed that night. That's the reason she was shocked to see you dressed when she came home and that's why he was so visibly upset when he realized you were there. The afterparty plans blew up. Good for you that you insisted on going. Keep focused, even though it may be difficult sometimes. You are doing great so far.

Since Dan hasn't responded to anything since last night I suspect his WW probably called him again and went to see him. In that case, HB probably kicked in and we might not hear from him for awhile. We all know how that goes. I hope whatever decision he makes, he makes it with complete honesty given by his WW - doubtful about that since TT is common in virtually every instance.

Dan, I pray for peace and comfort for you, and for your daughters. Whatever choice you make has to be what is right for YOU. We can all give advice but it is your decision - but PLEASE give serious thought to the advice given. Many here have been riding this rodeo for a long time and truly know the best way to handle certain situations. God bless you.

In that case, HB probably kicked in and we might not hear from him for awhile.

DaninOH, I am sorry for what you are going through. Just in case you're not familiar with all the acronyms, HB refers to Hysterical Bonding. Sometimes after a BS is cheated on, there is a very strong desire for the BS to reclaim their territory and the relationship. This often includes a very strong, overwhelming desire for sex with the WS, which is referred to as hysterical bonding. HB can last from a couple days to several months.

I would strongly recommend that you refrain from sexual relations with your wife until you're better able to determine the type of sex she had with OM. If they did indeed have oral sex and/or intercourse, both of you will need to be tested and cleared before resuming sexual relations.

The PC guy dropped off the phone and a thumb drive a few hours ago and I have been going through all of her texts for the last couple of months. Its bad, but not as bad as I had imagined. I does look like their relationship started on the 4th and quickly escalated into sexting by the 7th. There were 12 pics sent between the two of them, most of which appear to be Thai food?

It looks like they had spoken about their love of Thai food and how I never take her to Thai restaurants (oh the horror). She must have given him her number because the first text is him confirming what time they were leaving to lunch. From there it was mostly him feeding her ego with compliments and lots of french bullshit. Then it turned into him saying how he will do the things fro her that I won't.

The sexting was mainly her asking him what he would do to her and him telling her everything that he wanted do do to her. She sent him a G rated pic and told him how sexy he was. As for the "dick pic" at first I thought it was a spring roll. If I was that small I would never send a pic of it to anyone.

It look likes he still hasn't tried to contact her but there was a text from another co-worker asking her if she knew anything about a fight the other night. For now, I am going to try and see a lawyer tomorrow and see what my options are.

And no, I have not seen my WW. I did sent her a few text quotes. She is pleading to come home.

Dan, how did they get to 414 texts in 11 days?

That's basically non-stop texting!

When did she put his name in as Jennifer?

That's a slick move. I know you're saying it isn't as bad as it could be, and that is good news, but at this point I would be wondering what else I don't know of.

My requirements for her would be to tell me of ANYTHING else - and that would be backed up by threat of polygraph.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 2:47 PM, December 16th (Sunday)]

It's bad but could have been a lot worse. Sexting , making out and groping is still crossing a boundary.

Since they worked together, they'd be in contact during the work day. 414 texts is almost a part time job.

She was obsessed with a player or is there any reason to think this is not her first rodeo?

Do you have any idea how / why thing happened so fast. A matter of days and they are making out with a plan to ditch you at the Xmas party.

That is something your wife needs to explain to you...and herself.

so Jennifer has a spring roll sized dick LoL

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 2:50 PM, December 16th (Sunday)]

sorry man. Not easy at all to see those texts.

You're doing great and you're doing the right thing by going to see a lawyer to discuss what options you have.

No big decisions until you're ready. Take the time to sort through your options and what you truly want out of all of this.

Protect yourself and your kids and don't trust your WW----she is reeling and just trying to protect herself and perhaps even her AP.

Do not trust her at all-----she has to earn your trust back, if possible.

I can't tell when she added him as "Jennifer" but it looks like she was texting with him mainly while they were at work and calling him when she was in her car.

Ok....I laughed at spring roll.... Well... now you have proof that the EA was in full effect and she admitted physical sexual contact which to me = PA. What you do after speaking to your lawyer is give yourself some time to cool off and decide which direction to go. It sounds like you are already leaning toward D so make sure you have your financials in order and you actual money where she can't get to it. The minute you say D she will clean out the joint account.