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Ok, WW is back at SIL house. My BIL parked down the street and ran the address to find the property records. He gave me a name and it sounds like it might be her supervisors house. He checked the phone log and it hasn't shown any activity yet. He said that her car was the only one in the drive. He will get info from SIL as soon she and my W talk.

She is at a house not far from here, but he refuses to tell me the address. He said that he would drive over there his self and try to get info. My SIL will not let him tell me.

Since her sister is keeping the address from you.....safe to say she is probably not at Arby’s grabbing a beef-n-cheddar.

When was the last time she bought a new sexy dress to wear for you?

And the throwing up all night? Why? Because she thinks you will divorce her over a kiss and some light sexting? Not too sure about that. Her reaction would make more sense if she actually had sex with the guy, and knew you would find out from her phone.

When my BIL called this morning he said that he and his wife had checked out this guys facebook page and her sister could not believe that she would risk everything for that ugly douche.

Attention is the coin of the realm for some women. Does not really matter who gives it.

Please stay calm. What's done is done. You can not control her behavior (nor should you attempt to).

Do not go to the OM's house.

Her supervisor may be friends with OM, OM may have been there (they're all co-workers), what prompted her to just go there all of a sudden ?, hopefully she went there to tell the supervisor she's resigning but she may have gone there to see OM or to find out how many people saw/know what happened, or to contact OM from the supervisor's phone, she may also be trying to get her supervisor vouch for her whereabouts during the las 11 days. Anyway she better have a good explanation as to why she just took off and went to that house 24hrs after what happened and why her SIL didn't want you to know she was there.

She told SIL that she just went to her Boss's house and resigned. I guess she couldn't call because all of her contacts are in her phone. She just sent me a text asking if we could talk. I told her that I am taking the girls out for dinner and that I would be available after 9. Should I even take the call?

She may have gone to her supervisor to give her resignation

IF you decide to take her call - I wouldn't ask one damn question. I would let her know from here on out the outcome all depends on her complete 100% honesty and if anything she says contradicts the information you have there will be no second chances.

Yes, talk to her, her decision to resign was swift and may show that her A was more serious than she wanted you to believe, talk to her she's probably about to confess some more knowing what you will find in her texts, please have your phone ready to record the entire conversation, have your BIL there sitting nearby if at all possible, if you prefer to do it over the phone is fine, but the body language often tells a lot and puts more meaning to the words.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 6:06 PM, December 15th (Saturday)]

By talk does she mean providing further details about her affair?

If not, I suggest postponing any contact until after you've had a chance to review the cell phone & pc evidence. Then you can better control the conversation to cover relevant topics (and have a more productive discussion).

If you Tak e the call please have a list of questions and demands.

Timeline

STD testing for both of you and her authorization to give you her results.

Polygraph

IC for her

The list will go on and on.

She will be an emotional mess and may still be in CYA mode so expect the trickle truth ride. (TT is awful by the way)

Many say wait six months to make any major decisions. I don’t know how you would be able to have her in the house with you. She has been lying to your face for weeks at the very least.

I would take the call but not ask any questions. Listen to what she has to say. Keep your cool at all costs. Hang up on her if you have to. If she tells you she resigned from her job you should tell her she shouldn't have done that because she's going to need a job when you divorce her. Seriously, you have to tell her that and then find an attorney, file for divorce. You cannot let her slip her way out of this. You can always stop the divorce or even remarry if you decide to reconcile. BUT, file!! It's too late to wake her up out of her "fog" - the damage is already done. If she wants back in your life and you want that, she needs to WORK for that privilege.

Tell you’ll talk after you’ve recovered all the texts and pics from her phone.

I agree with Buster. Have the BIL sit with you (if you don’t mind that he hears the details).

It has to be clear that any lying or minimizing, TT could get her a divorce. Tell her you already have an appointment with a lawyer, so it better be all of the truth, no matter how hurtful it may be.

She's probably hoping that in view of her self imposed drama (sobbing and vomiting and resigning) over exposure ... that you will feel she's suffered enough and forgive her (including stop asking questions and stop trying to hold her accountable).

pearlamici:

IF you decide to take her call - I wouldn't ask one damn question. I would let her know from here on out the outcome all depends on her complete 100% honesty and if anything she says contradicts the information you have there will be no second chances.

This is spot on. Don't lose your cool. Let her do the talking (as long as it's telling you what you need to know, and not just begging) and leave the uncomfortable silences for her to fill.

Dan, get a VAR and keep it with you at all times. There are too many false DVs to not take precautions. Protect yourself.

I, like others, think there is a lot more to this. Hand holding, kissing, groping, new sexy dress, trying to discourage you from going, surprise when you were ready to go when she got home, phone in locked bath while getting ready for party doesn't sound like something that began one day after meeting for the very first time. She says POS was getting possessive and she didn't want you to go for your protection. Bullshit. If she was concerned she wouldn't want to go. She wasn't concerned. She wanted to go. She dressed up for him. There were plans for later in the evening that your presence was spoiling. There will be massive minimization (already started) and it will continue. Lies, lies and more damn lies.

My WW picked fights a few times so she could storm out. She didn't need to take that shit. I was once invited to join a bunch of people who worked with WW for lunch with WW and POS. I knew a lot of people who worked with her. She definitely didn't want me there. Probably because it was uncomfortable for POS and her. My WW had been screwing him for a while by then.

Get a VAR. I said to get a PI before because I wished I had done so. No need now.

I came to look in this evening and saw how many pages there were and knew why. Shit. I'm so sorry Dan. You've been strong. Stay strong, keep the upper hand. Demand truth and the whole story - in short order. The marriage depends on the truth without TT. TT is poison. TT is new stab wounds and resets to zero or negative every time. Stay strong but don't lose it. VAR at all times.

Talk to her tonight, that's not going to change what you will find from her texts on monday anyway, plus she's more vulnerable tonight and likely to make mistakes if she's come up with a story, expect a lot of TT, minimizing and lying by omission, tell her you will see an attorney on Monday and that she needs to be 100% honest with the details no matter how hurtful they may be and that if she lies it means she doesn't regret nor is she remorseful about what she did and therefore it will certainly mean you will file for D, that she's been lying a lot and enough is enough, one more lie and you will pull the plug and file for D.

Distancing yourself is to protect yourself (not punish her) during this very vulnerable and emotional time. Try to limit contact to when you're prepared and can use it to your advantage.

In the interim ... if there's something she needs to say, ask her to use email. Safer for you and provides a record for followup after you review the texts and photos.

Call...

WW..."Hi DaninOH"

You..."talk".

WW...blah blah blah until she stops.

You..."Is that all?"

WW...will talk some more. Probably ask you some questions.

You...."Anything else?"

WW...reponse of some sort.

You....click.

She just sent me a text asking if we could talk.... Should I even take the call?

Since you asked, I would recommend that you do not take the call. Emotions are high and all this is is an opportunity for her own damage control which doesn't benefit you. Allow her to stew and provide you with details while waiting on the phone data.

Text her telling her she should instead use the time to write out a detailed timeline on when she knew this guy and what they did and when. While she's at it she can fess up to any previous affairs she has had. [Note: my ex had a few affairs before I found her out on the last one. I was oblivious. The few weeks have given her her affair MO. Looking back through your marriage, has she acted like this before?]

Also let her know that you will be confirming her answers by polygraph IF you decide to try staying in the marriage.

[This message edited by antlered at 6:21 PM, December 15th (Saturday)]