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You mentioned the new dress. Find out about her lingerie she wore underneath. Was it new? Had YOU ever seen it before? How sexy were they? Has she ditched those undergarments is now wearing her sister's?

Also, scour all her purchases leading up to this. Banking records with debit/credit purchases. With time/place and card they can tell her with you standing there just what she purchased. Like condoms.

Either record the conversation, or only do it in text. Eliminate the "you misunderstood" factor. Take notes while she is talking, so you can question what she said, not what you think you heard. It helps to keep you focus on the information. It might help to keep you calm and on the task at hand. Keep your emotions in check as hard as that will be.

If you talk to your wife, record the call.

If you are on Android, "CallBox" works well and it's free.

If you're on iPhone, just search for a call recording app.

And test it before you talk to her for real!

[This message edited by faithfulman at 6:22 PM, December 15th (Saturday)]

Good point on the lingerie, Brooklyn.

Oh and use tonight to search her stuff. Both the lingerie drawer as well as old emails on her computer. Potential evidence of previous affairs.

You are handling this like a boss! Just be aware of your own state of mind. Support yourself and your daughters emotionally both. Your WW has her sister and knows the daughters are ok through your BIL.

[This message edited by Gutpunch at 6:31 PM, December 15th (Saturday)]

Putting BIL in the middle of this disaster is un-fair to him. If you meet in public maybe have BIL and SIL in the same building in case things go sideways but not over hearing all the details.

If I was the BS or the WS I would not feel comfortable to talk honestly with my BIL or franky anyone other than my WS or BS there.

What makes it hard for betrayed spouses is when we discover an affair or affairs. R is harder than if the wayward spouses confess voluntarily. The trauma you go through when you discover an affair is horrific. I’m not minimizing the effects when you get it from a voluntary confession but it is such a shocking moment when you find out yourself.

When the POSOM shows up on Monday with a black eye her career was over (either officially/fired or unofficially/disgraced).

In any event, I anticipate she wants to talk and try to spin the resignation as a positive gesture of good faith on her part.

Whether you talk to her tonight or another day you should of course demand a written timeline. However, it sounds like she thinks that the only information you have is what you will find in the texts. I'm not sure I agree that she can't fairly well remember what is in there and so I think it's possible she can tailor her timeline to include only what you will find in those messages. Remember - it's only 11 or so days of content.

Likewise, I am not sure that the threat/promise of a poly will discourage her from minimizing - though I fully agree you should tell her a poly is in her future to confirm the timeline she provides and if she fails the M is over.

I think you should indicate to her that you have a lot of information about her cheating activity already beyond the texts - I would even say it in a way that doesn't limit it solely to Monsieur Oeil au beurre noir in case there were other(s). That will put her on her heels and cause her to believe that perhaps someone gave you info or you hired a PI or had other sources and will make it more likely that she gives you a more complete confession.

Unrelated point - you're handling this better than 99 percent of men. I would have crumbled on page 4 of this 20 page thread. I strongly encourage you to stay calm and measured at all times, no matter what. You're going to need to stay cool to retain the upper hand and keep control of this shitty situation. Good luck.

The discussion about what lingerie she was wearing underneath her dress is pretty pointless, given the fact that she was well aware her husband would be attending the party when she was getting ready for the party.

I know it's important to prepare for the worst, BUT I honestly think this is salvageable and I do feel she is remorseful and not just sorry she got caught. The OP appears to be a total creep, someone that gets attached/possessive/aggressive way too quick. She probably caught up on that, which made her do things she probably would not have if she was more secure with herself.

Wife seems very insecure in my opinion. She probably liked the attention from another guy (no matter his appearance.. and ooh la la from a "foreigner"). Looks like the type that also doesn't know how to say no or respond well to advances. Again, not trying to defend her. She obviously did something really wrong and will have to live with that for the rest of her life, but her story of how it went down seems very plausible to me. AND if the messages come back to support her story... really use those and take action against the creep OM. He seems like a predator. Not for revenge, but because it's the right thing to do. Predators need to be exposed.

I know people are very suspicious of her reasoning for not wanting you at the party, but honestly, it does make sense to me. There are guys out there (self-proclaimed "the good guys") that get possessive out of no where. She probably realized this and freaked out at risk he would expose her questionable behavior to her husband & the life as she once knew. I don't think it was because she wanted to spend the night with this OM or had plans with the OM with regard to the party. She probably preferred he stayed home. and you both attend the party. BUT she can't really keep him from going, whereas she has a better chance of keeping you from attending.

It looks to me they did some flirting. He quickly got attached, she wanted "some light fun." She probably thought she could handle it, especially if he would be leaving in January. WELL... it definitely got out of hand. She panicked. Put herself in a huge pickle with senseless flirting (which she should have never done in the first place). Needed you to stay home so she wouldn't be exposed, which would then ruin her life pretty much. My thoughts.

[This message edited by Hamburgundy at 7:19 PM, December 15th (Saturday)]

Please consider that she has been exposed at work, to you, her children and her brother and sister in law. She may become despondent...no one wants a tragedy, make sure her sister understands the seriousness of the situation.

Speak to her tonight. Its possible that all of the texts may not be recovered. Your wife does not know this. Tell her that you will know everything in those texts tomorrow (or Mon if that's the case). If everything she says doesn't match what the texts say, its over.

The discussion about what she's wearing under her dress isn't pointless. It shows a mindset. She wore her new sexy dress. She could have planned some sort of disagreement to stay later or go out with the girls. She knew Dan was going to the party with her. Did she wear new fancy lingerie anyway that Dan had never seen? If she did it wasn't for Dan.

How can you tell she's remorseful. Very few WS are remorseful right off the bat if the tales of woe expressed here on SI are any indication. It's damage control, concern about themselves and what others will find out, regret about getting caught and hardly ever about what damage has been done to BS and children. It's all about them. I, I, I, me, me, me.

If she doesn't know how to say "no", likes the attention and appreciates the advances how does that indicate a "safe" spouse. She made choices no matter what the impetus. She made them in very short order (if it was December 3). Healing and recovery can happen but with those weaknesses and brain wiring it will take a long time to be "safe". Brains aren't rewired overnight and it takes hard and determined work.

I don't think the lingerie is completely pointless. She went through the trouble to manipulate his party attendance, buy a dress and who knows what more. She could have hid at party for 5 minutes with French guy to give him a peek of the future fruit. Then when home change out in bathroom again hiding undergarments. She could also have picked a fight with hubby at party and split alone to meet FrenchiQue later.

Another thing to look for is did she have a mani/pedi along with trimming/shaving/waxing her pubes leading up to party. It points to obvious intent.

If/When you do talk to her remember this one rule. Never ever ask a question you don't already have the answer to or can verify via independent means.

Assume right now she is really sorry she got caught, nothing else.

[This message edited by BrooklynGuy at 7:07 PM, December 15th (Saturday)]

The lingerie thing may not be completely pointless, BUT it doesn't prove anything. The "theory" is based on assumptions and what ifs. Considering there are actual details of this story that do prove her sketchiness like changing his name to Jennifer and texting him 414 times in less than a span of 2 weeks. Lingerie? not so much. Same with the dress. When women like to get ready, feel sexy/pretty, get dolled up... it's not always about men. That's all I'm saying. Sometimes women do it just to feel pretty and sexy. Maybe for themselves? Don't stress yourself out over assumptions. Stick to the facts.

Example, brand new crotch-less panties them selves prove nothing.

But along with everything else they show clear intent.

She will probably try and minimize everything she knows he knows so far. Just giving OP things to look for and think about while he digs deep into what her intentions were.

[This message edited by BrooklynGuy at 7:34 PM, December 15th (Saturday)]

Dan

Talk to her or don’t. It’s your choice of course.

But I’d suggest telling her at this point you’re mostly gonna listen and not respond either way.

That’s with a couple of exceptions.

1) I’d let her know you expect a detailed timeline and description of each and every interaction with the POS. That includes any flirty connection, emotional connection and physical connection. A recent suggest of including what she was thinking and feeling at each step of the way is a good one.

2) I’m gonna take the unpopular stance and briefly (very briefly) speak up for what your wife did tonight. I often try to imagine what I would do if I was in a wayward’s shoes. Until I know differently I’m going to say that your WW knows that she fucked up big time. She can’t believe what she just let happen and it got way out of control which she did not expect.

As I said before she could be minimizing what she did. A truthful timeline combined with the texts will make that evident or not.

I am in no way saying her Infidelity is excusable in any way. But we often say here, watch their actions not their words.

Her resignation was poorly executed. She should have discussed it with you first. She should have told her sister where she was going beforehand.

But I think in this case her heart was in the right place. She knows she has to show you actions. She knows she needs to show she’s all in.

I can imagine myself sitting in my sisters house feeling helpless as my life is falling down around me. I would want to show my family that I’m serious about making up for my bad choices. That I love them and want to show them that the rest of my life and hopefully they could someday find forgiveness in their hearts.

I think that is what this gesture was.

So talk to her. And again mostly listen. Tell her you understand what she tried to do, but recommend that all future decisions like this require joint confirmation and agreement by you.

If you are going to be a team again you need to start working like one.

So stress the honesty and the timeline, but personally I wouldn’t hit her too hard on the action she tried to show you tonight.

And finally let her know she needs to account for her whereabouts at all time, otherwise you are going to assume she is with the POSOM.

Good luck.

I see the resignation as more of an embarrassment thing. She hasn't had enough time to feel remorse and connect the dots that quitting would be good for Dan. It's too fast. She quit for herself.

I also think there seems to be a shift toward people on here equivocating for her. She's guilty, it's just a question of how much she's guilty of.

Sorry Dan, but at this point you need to be careful with what you say to BIL. If she stays there again tonight,WW is going to have time to spin this more. Do as everyone is saying and record your conversations as much as possible. Hell go get a cop cam at bed bath and beyond and wear it if you talk to her or meet up.

As referees say in boxing, "protect yourself at all times". Right nkw you are the stuff legends are made of. Stay strong for yourself and the girls.