SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm in the camp that you should go ahead and confront. Those emails show 100% EA, probably 95% PA. That's more than enough to start demanding the things BS's demand in order to start R, like total transparency, accountability, MC, and NC with this asshole. If that means getting another position within her job, or even quitting this job, so be it. A job is not worth your family, IMHO.

She might deny and gaslight, but those emails are enough misbehavior to call into question her integrity and her loyalty to you, and you deserve better.

They're already WAY underground - I doubt it could go much further underground.

Sorry for being incommunicado. We're traveling and while internet access is good, accessing SI now in private is now quite so easily done.

I'll try to answer a few issues brought up here.

As far as intimacy is concerned, there's not much happening in that dept. That's been an issue for a while (very little alone time with D around, and she's often wanting to sleep with Mommy and Daddy). Not really wanting to initiate anything myself either, until I demand she's tested. Intimate kissing has been the extent.

Otherwise, things are pretty much status quo. She continues to be affectionate. It doesn't seem contrived. Daily communication seems pretty normal. We're having a fun time on our trip. I've been in password hell with her phone for various reasons (see my post in the "other subforum"), but nothing from OM that I've seen since we left.

I'm lately not really getting the sense that she's really good or experienced at this, but more likely just really scared that this would ever be discovered (and thus always keeping this way underground).

Sure, I've thought about turning the tables on her, to make her suspicious. But I rejected it. I'd rather not complicate things further that way. I think if I remain true to myself and our marriage, then I'm in a much better position in the long run.

I haven't set a deadline for confrontation, but I'm also not going to wait a very long time either. I appreciate the messages of advice. My activities ARE focused on the single goal of confrontation. It's just a matter of finding the time when I feel it's right, and that I've exhausted what else I can do in terms of finding out what I can.

Having loads of fun with the 4-year-old, life is good in that department. I probably won't have a chance to be on here much until next week when we return. Thanks again for your comments and support.

A sexless marriage ( or near as damned to it) is a marriage in trouble unless health issues are the cause.

A sexless marriage is not caused by a 4 year old wanting to sleep with mommy.

Children should never be the reason for a marriage continuing when love is lost, they will sense that block between you and often think they are to blame.

You mentioned in your first post that the marriage has not always been a good one....this worries me.

If you both know that there has been problems what has been done to resolve these?

Could the lack of sex just been a continual consequence of something that has been dying over time between you?

I am sorry to ask this but could your wife just simply be looking for a thrill to fill the void between you.

Perhaps she has been thinking of leaving for some time and doesn't know how to.

Her flirteous behavour is disrespectfull and can reflect her need for close intimacy.

If you could once again find the real true intimate love you once shared then maybe just maybe your marriage can be saved.

Otherwise all cards on the table would be a fair shot from your side.

Then there is one other aspect to think of here..........are you looking for a divorce with the right to taking your house, child and custody payments when you have enough proof?

This is the only reason i can think of that would make you hold out so long.

I really hope that your vacation turns this in one direction or the other.

Being cheated on is bad enough but being cheated on and knowing about it is owning it to a certain degree........that would kill me!!

When you are close to confront her drop some hints a day early or so. Say somebody called or something. Maybe she breaks the 'radio silence'.

I just sat here and took hours to read your whole thread onions. You are such a strong man. You have given me some more courage! I am in the evidence collecting mode as we speak Keep up the good work, I only hope I can stay as strong as you.

sounds like your wife is having an out-of-town hook up. They get together and have their fun but, when it's time to go back to there lives, then they just go back.

I suspect that if a trip does come up where they will be together, communcation will start to increase making plans...coming up with excuses to get away from business associates and such.

I was in industrial sales throughout the North East & Upper Midwest. I was given a tremendous amount of freedom. Of course I was doing business but where I was doing business was my choice mostly. Nobody checked in on me and I only called if I needed help with a quote to bet some business.

Does you wife and/or the OM enjoy that type of freedom? Could they find themselves in the same city for a day or two w/o company approval? Might you wife be taking a day trip during the week even without your knowledge? Maybe she's telling you she has to work late but doesn't tell you that it involves flight plans?

Just trying to overturn all the stones CO. Thanks for replying.

I am with Inaturmoil. As a mom of three, I have never been in a sexless marriage. And we coslept with our babies. So that raises red flags for me. I wanted sex. He wanted sex. So we just did it places OTHER than the bed.

Little Kids. Kids that sleep with you. NEITHER are reasons not to have sex with your spouse.

Is she using your daughter as a means to avoid intimacy with you?

Hate to be blunt, but I am.

Hey CO I am with Ineedmorecoffee!!

Good luck and have fun on vacation!

As far as intimacy is concerned, there's not much happening in that dept. That's been an issue for a while (very little alone time with D around, and she's often wanting to sleep with Mommy and Daddy).

I have been following your story from the start.... Im calling "bullshit".....here, bro. The FWW and i raised 4 kids....had an unbelievable sex life ..... .....bedroom, bathroom etc.... Come on.... In Texas we just put locks on the doors. Better yet, hire a babysitter, go to a motel (only takes an hour or so) or backseat of your car - use your imagination...... Bro....it aint that difficult to "do it" with just one kid....

Also..not just real sure how much evidence you need.....EA for sure - probable PA...(JMO - youve already "got" enough to confront - at least ya do for me, i confronted with even less - the longer you wait, the deeper the emotional attachment between the APs).

Bufffalo

[This message edited by bufffalo at 2:10 AM, May 6th (Friday)]

I am also one in the camp that thinks you have sufficient evidence to confront. It just comes down to whether you would waver or not if she does start denial. Your idea of doing it on a Friday is good but I wouldn't call the OM first. Would just tell the wife that there is something important we need to discuss after DD goes to sleep. That way you have into the wee hours of the morning to talk. Would start out saying she has been distant and is there something she needs to tell you, than go from there with the info you have at hand. With what you do have, you have a EA on your hands and she had he oppurtunity for a PA leading up to the trip. Point out the recent emails and her packing her nightie. The only way I would accept that a PA did not take place on the trip is for her to pass a polygraph. Just do not waver. One of your recent post that really throws another wrinkle in this is her using names of men from her past as PW's!

I confronted WH with much less evidence than you have. At first, I thought it was a mistake and wished I had more to go on. But he started talking, TT most definitely, but I feel the lines of communication are now open.

My discovery came after yours, but I just couldn't sit on it. The thought of him continuing his hurtful behavior while I quietly gathered evidence just wasn't acceptable to me. But we are all different, CO. Do what feels right for you.

Sexless marriage and one spouse travels for business. It seems the right combination for an affair to happen. Add to that plenty of communication to indicate she is having an EA and the the sexy lingerie she took with her on a business trip?

It seems you won't be satisfied until a space ship lands on your street with Elvis Presley touting a fool proof diet.

Has anyone heard from ChoppingOnions??? I hope that everything is okay

I hope things are OK w/ you CO. Your last post said you were out of town and you haven't posted in a bit.

Anyway, I posted on page 1 IN MARCH and you still have not confronted?!?!

I will re-post my original thoughts...

From the discoveries that you have already made, it seems pretty obvious that this is an EA and most likely a PA. I'm confused as to why you need more evidence???

....and why not confront now (over the phone if you have to) to possibly stop this from going PA???

IMO...the evidence is for you. I skimmed a few of the posts so maybe this was covered. Do you want the evidence to help you in a "fault" state??? If not, the more this A-hole puts his pathetic hands on your WW the harder it is going to be for you to reconcile your M.

What is the hold-up? Are you afraid to confront? ...I was...most BSs were/are. JUST DO IT!!!

JC

Just a gentle reminder that this forum is for support and advice, not a debating society.

I too am concerned about CO, but lets wait until he returns with an update rather than swinging speculative 2x4's without any information.

Hi...still hanging in here.

Very busy time since our return from vacation, and more busyness coming with family arriving, so not too much to report.

Not much new on the information front, although I've discovered via VAR that she's a much better liar than I truly knew. Nothing affair wise, but quite a bit of disinformation from her on her whereabouts. Mostly shopping when she says she's elsewhere (found out by going over receipts), among other things (fancy skin clinic stuff and some wacko hormonal diet program thing). The shopping and other things is not that huge a deal, but the lying certainly is. It certainly adds to the bigger picture.

She's on me hard about job seeking. Funny how there isn't time to do that when she gives you 12 jobs to do before she gets home from work, on top of the usual daily stuff and trying to be a dad to my daughter. Sigh.

To respond to some comments, I didn't say the marriage was sexless, but it's certainly undersexed for my taste. Kind of hard to initiate things when you know she might have been doing it with someone else, ya know.

Still thinking about a time for confrontation. With relatives coming, not such a good idea. Biding my time for now, I guess. Will update if there are any big changes.

Good to see you again CO. When are the relatives coming? Are you planning to confront after they leave?

..CO..stay the course..keep your eyes and ears open..and above all..be patient!

..hoping you will find peace soon and the sun will shine on your life again.

..still in your corner..

smy

I've been with you from the beginning on biding your time. You are a good man onions. I think you are wise to keep playing your cards close to the vest.

The dynamic of being a stay at home dad - how it works on you, how it works on her - is going to be something you (both?) work out in your own time,

lately not really getting the sense that she's really good or experienced at this, but more likely just really scared that this would ever be discovered (and thus always keeping this way underground).

Trust your gut here I say. She's a talented woman...you'd marry no less right? She's on the infidelity job training, a quick study...ok...she's better than you thought...

I support your decision to stay on the down low. You are still healing (remember rise above's post)

manhugs))))

Ever try vidalia?