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Quit worrying about where she is and if they are screwing. Unless you are in an at faul state you are only making yourself crazy.

Your wife

has a boyfriend. You know it, she knows it, and Im pretty sure a lot of others do as well. You need to focus on YOU and your KIDS. Unless she shows some actionable chamges in behavior there is no need to communicate with her other than kid stuff.

Stop letting her ruin you. You are the only one with the power to do that.

(((And strength))))

Did you cancel those cards yet?

I suspect her and her family look at you as a checkbook.

Get out of denial and away from these users.

Short marriage you owe none of them anything.

I want to provide for her and her son

You might feel that way, but will you feel that way when her son forgets about you and is calling someone else dad?

Do not give them any more money than you have to.

As someone else said, you can always give them more money than you commit to if you want, but you can't do the reverse.

He is not your son. Once you divorce, you will probably have real sons of your own.

IMO you should split things, all of them, fairly so you can cotinue with your life. After D if you want to give her son any money just do it. D will split your assets but wont determine what you can do with your shate when D is over

Very important to get a fair agreement over assets and alimoney or you will be facing a really bad time.

Good luck

[This message edited by Mrhealed at 1:59 AM, April 30th (Saturday)]

How are you doing, Gary? Sending strength.

She came in crying and pleading why am I making it so hard. She has not cheated or done anything since the affair. After back and forth I want to know what you are hiding I don't believe you anymore. I said just tell me now. She got so hysterical it was crazy. She finally told me that what she has hidden from me is not that she is still cheating. That she didn't tell me as she was afraid it would make it worse than what happened. But he asked her what is there sexually her and I have not done that he could have for them. Their thing he said. Since she said her and I have pretty much done all you can do sexually she didn't know what to tell him. He would ask this and that and she was like no we do that or did that but he did find something. I don't know if this is allowed and sorry for giving too much info but he got her to swallow. I have never got that. I get blow jobs but never that. She claimed she didn't like it and such. So she did that for him. I don't even know who was sitting across from me during this. Not my wife.

Not sure if someone posted about it but you realize what happened here ?

She got spooked about the poly, so she confessed a bit more than she did previously to throw you off the trail. She confessed that bit so that she can stop your demand to take a poly. That is because she is worried about what else that will come out.

It looks like she does not understand how polys work. maybe use this to make her come clean completely.

Gary,

Sorry you are going through such a hard time. It sounds brutal, as it always is in the months after D-day.

If you remember my posts from before, like many on here I've been hard on your wife and rated your chances of reconciliation as low due to her unwillingness or inability to dig in and do the work required on herself and your relationship.

In spite of that, I would like to provide an alternative opinion to some you have received recently.

First, some have said it is obvious your wife has a boyfriend. I don't think this is obvious at all. In fact, based on a careful reading of your situation I'd say it is very UNLIKELY that she is still involved in the affair or even emotionally connected to the AP. You have listened countless hours of VAR tapes where she pours herself out to her yenta friends. I've been surprised at how little she has spoken about the AP. Even waywards who are totally out of the affair sometimes express some type of fond remembrance of the affair or AP. I don't think you have heard this. I've read hundreds upon hundreds of stories on here. I can't guarantee you she is not still in the affair, but I'm a betting man and I'd put money down she isn't. I'm not saying that she wouldn't go back to this guy or wouldn't cheat again. Waywards who don't work on themselves most often cheat again. But I don't think she is cheating now or even thinking about it.

Second, the level of manipulation that people are ascribing to your wife is way over the top. Frankly, she isn't that bright or conniving. Neither am I. Neither are you. Most people aren't. She lost her shit admitting the swallowing because she was incredibly embarrassed and ashamed. Like in the majority of affairs, waywards debase themselves. They do anal, swallowing, threesomes, all kinds of shit they wouldn't do with their husbands. The reasons for this are multiple. A few include the desire to degrade themselves, the desire to please the AP at any cost, and also the fact that APs are seeking to dominate the BS. I've seen this pattern again and again. What I would NOT consider a likely reason for her telling the swallowing story is that it was an elaborate ruse to throw you off the poly. Sure, it is possible, just pretty fucking unlikely.

On a related note, I do think you should get a poly. You may or may not find out more. If you haven't decided what to do yet, the poly will be a big step in finding out what you are dealing with.

Strength to you.

take the money for the son. bank it. give it to him when hes older. dont give it now or include it in the settlement.

Sorry rough weekend so I just tried to get what is going on and what I have to do in order and give my head a break. I guess I was hoping against hope that this would go somewhat south of a disaster but I don't think that will be the case. I ended up officially filing and meeting back with that lawyer. I am going to go with her.

I was hoping I could talk to my wife in a civil manner about it and that this is not just talk but I hope we can be fair and respectful to each other. I went on Sat to coach my step son and she was there with her friends talking in the stands as usual. After the game when walking my step son over to his grandparents I went over towards my wife to just have a private conversation.

I didn't even get a chance to get a word in before she went on a tirade. And to sum up my wife's priorities it was about how much my sister was out of line and all that drama. I said I cant speak on what someone says or does. It was not me. She was like well your sister has never liked me and to demean me in a public way (of course not thinking that I have been walking around town and such with people knowing I got cheated on) and kids talk so does her son need to know anything.

She was yelling that its obvious I want to hurt her even after she has told me a million times she was sorry, she loves me, that she wanted our marriage to go forward. But its me that shut down, stopped doing anything with her to help us get past it, that I am hateful. That she is hurting too and I am cold and distant. What happened to her husband that was always there for her no matter what, there to care for her. She is convinced I am seeing someone and that is the reason I am acting like this. Than just hurling insults and such it was making a scene. After asking for her to lower her voice I just walked away and left.

Her son did ask me if I was coming home and it just kills me. I don't know what to say to him and such. It makes me feel like shit when I think of him involved in all this. I did text her the next day if we could talk for a couple minutes without yelling for some stuff that was important. She asked me if it was about me coming home and getting our marriage back, after I responded no she told me among a variety of ways to go F myself than no.

One of the husbands that I coach with is married to one of the women my wife talks to. He said to me I heard you guys are having some problems you are not home and if that was just a temp thing and such. I told him I don't know what is happening just doing what I need. This is my pet peeve here. I don't want to deal with this with these people. I wouldn't want to inject myself in someone elses marital problems.

I just want my house sold and for me to get the hell out of this town.

She has effectively destroyed any chance that you will be able to stay in her son's life, or that you will even be amicable.

She seems consumed with the appearance of things. To blow up at you in front of others at her son's baseball game is beyond reprehensible. Her son will remember - I feel sorry for him.

But there is nothing you can do about any of this. Divorce and move on as fast as you can.

redsox13, yeah I hate this is all happening when I think of him. Its not fair or right that he is going to be impacted of no fault of his own.

I do feel somewhat better that I have finally have some direction. Officially filing made it seem real to me. It hurt to do it as there was a part of me that wanted my wife to show something that I could work on but it seems to far gone now for me. So now I guess I just have to wait for her to get the notice. I will be meeting with my lawyer soon but she is currently working on a case in court so when that wraps her and I are getting together.

I want my house to get on the market and start the process of getting sold. I am ok for her and her son to stay there till it gets sold or whatever. I don't want to be there and would like at least from the start for her son to be in the house. He doesn't even know I am leaving so I rather ease him into all this crap.

So much to do it seems. I just hope I don't get taken to the cleaners. I want to be fair and supportive in this ordeal but I read horror stories of judgements passed down. That worries me.

I want my house to get on the market and start the process of getting sold. I am ok for her and her son to stay there till it gets sold or whatever. I don't want to be there and would like at least from the start for her son to be in the house. He doesn't even know I am leaving so I rather ease him into all this crap.

Mistake..... You need to assume she is the enemy. Because well she is. You need to get her out of that house, what if she intentionally damages things, and destroys it so you lose your ass. This woman is vindicitive, and I could totally see her doing this.

You need to consider the position she is in. Her free meal ticket is walking away. She is going to make you out to be the bad guy here. Her son will figure things out. Kids are a lot smarter than anyone gives them credit for.

((((and strength))))

Hi. Have you tried reading the first 10 pages of No more mr. nice guy? The book is available online for free if you google "No more mr. nice guy pdf".

Have you talked to your lawyer about options for you to stay in contact with her son despite your wife's potential objections (I've written a long post about it earlier in the thread) etc.?

Best wishes

Very much listen to your lawyer. Make sure you document every interaction with your wife - and the more detailed the better.

She really has no grounds for child support. Alimony might be tough, but in a 6 year marriage there is no way it will be permanent.

I really feel for your son. I coached baseball for years and I hated when one of the kids was going through this. I really respect you for going to the ball game Saturday. I think you should probably stop that given your wife's outburst, though.

It is hard. But the goal is to move on.

Hobbes, I did talk to my lawyer about seeing my step son. She said she will try but she said to be honest with me it will be hard. I don't have any legal rights and per her experience he is to young for a judge to consult with. She said if the kids are a little older they converse with them for input.

She said it might come down to hoping my wife will want her son to have me in his life regardless what her and I are going thru or she might allow it but with money involved we wont know yet.

She is convinced I am seeing someone and that is the reason I am acting like this.

Mike

She has always used sex to get what she wants and it has always worked. In her mind the only possible way you can resist her charms is if you’re getting serviced by someone else.

Your wife is freaking out because she miscalculated. She may not have enough insight to realize if but she’s mad at herself. You have done more for her than any other man because you are so stable and nice.

Those qualities made her miscalculate. That nice of a guy would never leave her no matter what she did. Now she feels like a fool especially in front of her family. I’m sure they are asking her how she could let a prize like you get away after the string of losers she had before.

It’s like you have a magic wand that you can wave and make all of her problems go away. If you wave it then her family will no longer think that she’s a fool. But you refuse in spite of her offering sex. She feels powerless. That’s why she so mad at you.

She was yelling that its obvious I want to hurt her even after she has told me a million times she was sorry, she loves me, that she wanted our marriage to go forward. But its me that shut down, stopped doing anything with her to help us get past it, that I am hateful. That she is hurting too and I am cold and distant. What happened to her husband that was always there for her no matter what, there to care for her. She is convinced I am seeing someone and that is the reason I am acting like this. Than just hurling insults and such it was making a scene. After asking for her to lower her voice I just walked away and left.

Figures. It's not what she did that's the problem, it's your reaction to it that's the problem.

Where is that doormat husband that lets her do what she wants? /s

She looks at you like a commodity and a means to a end, not like a person she loves. You fill a role. You are just one another appliance like a TV or a refrigerator that fulfills her needs. You bring in money, help her maintain the house and act as a father figure to her kid.

It is obvious you are a meal ticket to her. She found a guy who will work like a mule for her while she lazes around, spending your money and cheats. She is embarrassed that you cannot make money while you slave with two jobs and the majority of the housework.

This will be a terrible divorce. The better you are prepared of this reality, the better you will come out of this reality.

Read the mblink thread when you get a chance. His wife is pretty similar to yours.

[This message edited by kimichi at 9:41 AM, May 2nd (Monday)]

So much to do it seems. I just hope I don't get taken to the cleaners. I want to be fair and supportive in this ordeal but I read horror stories of judgements passed down. That worries me.

You can always be fair if you win more. But if she is ruthless while you are trying to be fair and nice, it will hurt you.

kimichi, yeah you make a good point there. My lawyer asked me the same thing. She asked me till we meet again to write down anything I can think of no matter how minor it seems that my wife could give to her lawyer. I don't know what the hell she will come up with or use.

I never hit her or threatened her in anyway. I mean I hardly ever raised my voice to her. Yeah we had the occasional flare up but nothing out of the norm. I said in on here before I know it sounds like I had a bad marriage cause of all of this but we really did get along well for the most part.

Her mom called me and wanted me to come to their house for mothers day brunch. I said I don't think that is a good idea and be good for her to spend time with her family. She was like well you are family and I know my daughter that gesture will go a long way with her. I know you two can work this out.

I don't think her parents are getting that I am done with the marriage. I was fooling myself that I could get this back and maybe it was just me hoping too much instead of just facing the facts I don't know.