SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

TOC I am sorry you have to defend yourself here. Obviously you came here for the same reason we all did. Maybe you have the benefit wisdom with experience but that doesn't take away from the pain you are going through right now.

With your confidence and strong leadership skills people are seeing you as a role model, and you are. Others feel that they should criticize, but you are here for you and not everyone else.

Dear TOC

I'm very glad you are here.

My Dday is over a year ago and I pretty much survived infidelity at least with my XH.

I stay here reading from time to time.

Your story is the same as it is for many.

Your spouse cheated on you. And you didn't even had a clue or suspected something at all. It came out of no where like you said. A punch to the gut from the men, who vowed to love and suport you.

The only difference is that you chose to learn from your situation with your XH, to take care of yourself. To cherish yourself and gave yourself more independence. I do feel your post in this forum is a blessing.

After you survived this shit, your post will still be here and others will get inspired and motivated to take control over their own life and thats whats the most important thing IMO to survive this shit.

Take control over your life and cherish yourself. The WS already prooved to be disable to do so.

And I don't think you need to justify or explain yourself to anyone. Every person choose for themself. If someone choose different than you, its not your duty to explain this.

You had your very struggles with kids and money and ugly divorce and depanded on your XH. You went through it and came out stronger than before. Thats a thing to be proud of. I can not understand why you should ever justify this to anyone. Everone CAN make their life as they please.

It takes time and huge effort and struggle sometimes but here you are and everyone can see its possible to stand up for yourself and have the pride to change their situation.

TOC. I owe you an apology. I have been following your thread, and I do admire your courage. Perhaps I was feeling envious. Wishing I could get some distance and time for myself as you have. That's no excuse for me being a bi-atch. This sucks no matter why, how, or who and I am sure you don't need me to tell you that. Stay strong!

((((((((Demanda))))))))

Demanda, I admire you for your ability to humble yourself and apologize. I also admire your strength of character and ability to look within yourself and recognize something you may need to work on. There are few that can and are willing to do that. You WILL be OK just as TOC will.

((((((Demands))))))

I think we can all see that your comments came from a place of deep pain. And I certainly understand your envy at TOC's freedom. But I think it's important that we support each other and gain strength from each other.

This shit is ugly enough without us turning on each other.

Sending you peace and strength.

TOC I am sorry you have to defend yourself here

If an apology is needed - I will apologise as well to TOC.

There was never an attempt to attack her in any way.....I was just venting my thoughts and comparing my self to this wise and inspiring woman.

If you look at my last paragraph - you will easily see how much I look up to TOC's abilities to handle this heart breaking situation (needless to say - much better than I have been).

I would love to hear more ispiring updated from you (even the not-so-positive ones are inspiring for me)

Again - sorry if you misunderstood my post

TOC

Your story/life has brought me to tears, anger, shock, laughter, and awe.

Happy and sad/heart broken for you at the same time........is that even possible??

this,..... what shockedmom said

Your strength and grace have been inspiring to witness over these last few weeks. Please continue to share your journey, many of us if not most appreciate your ability to deal with the trauma that changed the course of your life.

Is the dog walker AP listed on YELP for her "services"? Maybe you could give her a review and a star rating? 😜

Thank you to everyone for words of support and encouragement. The advice has been amazing. I know we are all hurting so hope we can always be here to support and respect each other.

Hopeful30:

Is the dog walker AP listed on YELP for her "services"? Maybe you could give her a review and a star rating? 😜

Good idea. I did check and seems her services are listed. Tempting. Very tempting. I still can't get past the fact she has a daughter to take care of. Really struggling with that one.

This is when having a SI Just Found Out Squad would be beneficial. A group of BS's and reformed WS's flies out to help the new BS cope.

We're here for you. I know it isn't a ton of comfort, but I hope it is some. (((hugs)))

OK, so I did write, edit, delete and rewrite a message to the other woman. After lots of editing, soul searching and finally giving in, I sent it to her on FB:

"What were you thinking?

Her response? She blocked me.

Bitch.

She is a coward. You already knew that so there is no surprise at her reaction. Hopefully her daughter will be unscathed by the horror of her mother's behavior.

Continue healing without a thought for her, she isn't worth it.

Shocked mom:

Continue healing without a thought for her, she isn't worth it.

I know you're right. I knew you were right before sent it but I couldn't help myself. I cannot get her out of my mind. Mostly I cannot get the fact she was in my house alone while we were out of town. It literally sickens me. I know I have to get over her but I feel a bit stuck on her at the moment. Believe me, I am way more annoyed at WH but ugh, I am so damn bothered by her!

Lord help me!

Some messages take a while to sink in.

TOC you be as mad as you want at OW. I'm 2 years from DDay1, 20 months from DDay2 (same AP underground) and 1 year from learning that there was another A almost 2 decades ago.

WH's first A was a RA for OW. She cried to him about her WH's A and you can imagine the rest. She is still married to her WH and kept in touch with my WH (hey, how ya been) until I demanded NC.

The A that brought me here was with a middle-aged, divorced OW who had been a BS in her marriage. She told my WH that after her WH's A, she had been unable to get off the couch for 3 months because of despair and depression.

My rage at these bitches is separate from my rage at WH. These conniving little twats KNOW EXACTLY HOW IT FEELS and they participated anyway. You bet my WH would have found someone, anyone to have an A with. But these two, who were BSs? They broke the Girl Code and they perpetuated the same evil that was done to them. I bet their karma sucks.

Your OW? She knew you. You weren't some faceless BS that she could make up stories about, about how cold and mean and horrible you are. She knew you, went to your house and cared for your precious doggie. You trusted her. She broke the Girl Code. And she has a girl-child. Unbelievable.

I don't know if you are going to do a Yelp review of her business, but it's worth considering given that her job does require trustworthiness.

Let me finish up by saying you are a SI rockstar, and I'm really, really sorry this has happened to you, sister.

First time posting here but I've read your entire thread.

I think your letter to her was just perfect. It would have been pointless to have focused on what she and wh did to you, she wouldn't care. And even though your letter wasn't intended as a threat (no indication that you were threatening her) but your suggestion that her skanky behaviour could impact her relationship with her daughter and her business I'm sure was not lost on her.

Look, you have a right to tell this intruder how you feel. I did and it ended up being helpful for me and I never once lost sight that my h was the one who truly betrayed me. I'm my case ow played herself off to be a victim so i pointed out the reasons that she was not.

The only downside that I can see happening is that she now knows that your wh is available.

Again, great letter 👊!

Eta: sounds like she panicked which is why she blocked you so quickly.

[This message edited by atalosss at 7:32 PM, October 9th (Sunday)]

ataloss:

It would have been pointless to have focused on what she and wh did to you, she wouldn't care.

Exactly! I thought what would hurt me more than anything and of course being told I was a bad mother takes the cake! I have to believe any woman would feel the same so I took that route and didn't want to make it about me and my hurt because clearly that never mattered to her in the least.

Lastly, I am not at all bothered that she might think WH is now available. Seriously, right now, as far as I care at the moment - they deserve each other. He never wanted more children so if he gets saddled with a 9-year old, I hope she puts him through the ringer during the teenage years.

[This message edited by TurnOtherCheek at 7:38 PM, October 9th (Sunday)]

You know, if I were you I think I'd feel compelled to leave a review on Yelp. Her job involves trust and someone who would sleep with a clients husband in their home isn't very trustworthy. I certainly wouldn't want her in my home, caring for my pets.

I get what you're saying about not wanting to remove her way of supporting her daughter but what if the next client she fucks has kids? And do you really want another BW to go through what you are?

I wouldn't get personal, I'd just lay out the facts in a business-like fashion and let the chips fall where they may.

[This message edited by CheaterMagnet at 7:50 PM, October 9th (Sunday)]