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Maryjen ( new member #54040) posted at 2:59 AM on Saturday, October 8th, 2016
TOC I am sorry you have to defend yourself here. Obviously you came here for the same reason we all did. Maybe you have the benefit wisdom with experience but that doesn't take away from the pain you are going through right now.
With your confidence and strong leadership skills people are seeing you as a role model, and you are. Others feel that they should criticize, but you are here for you and not everyone else.
Jaci02 ( member #50181) posted at 4:27 AM on Saturday, October 8th, 2016
Dear TOC
I'm very glad you are here.
My Dday is over a year ago and I pretty much survived infidelity at least with my XH.
I stay here reading from time to time.
Your story is the same as it is for many.
Your spouse cheated on you. And you didn't even had a clue or suspected something at all. It came out of no where like you said. A punch to the gut from the men, who vowed to love and suport you.
The only difference is that you chose to learn from your situation with your XH, to take care of yourself. To cherish yourself and gave yourself more independence. I do feel your post in this forum is a blessing.
After you survived this shit, your post will still be here and others will get inspired and motivated to take control over their own life and thats whats the most important thing IMO to survive this shit.
Take control over your life and cherish yourself. The WS already prooved to be disable to do so.
And I don't think you need to justify or explain yourself to anyone. Every person choose for themself. If someone choose different than you, its not your duty to explain this.
You had your very struggles with kids and money and ugly divorce and depanded on your XH. You went through it and came out stronger than before. Thats a thing to be proud of. I can not understand why you should ever justify this to anyone. Everone CAN make their life as they please.
It takes time and huge effort and struggle sometimes but here you are and everyone can see its possible to stand up for yourself and have the pride to change their situation.
Me: BW 27
Him: WH 27
Dday: August 15
Online Affairs don't know how many OW
Demanda ( new member #19615) posted at 4:27 AM on Saturday, October 8th, 2016
TOC. I owe you an apology. I have been following your thread, and I do admire your courage. Perhaps I was feeling envious. Wishing I could get some distance and time for myself as you have. That's no excuse for me being a bi-atch. This sucks no matter why, how, or who and I am sure you don't need me to tell you that. Stay strong!
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
― Viktor E. Frankl
confused615 ( member #30826) posted at 4:54 AM on Saturday, October 8th, 2016
BS(me)44
FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Chicky ( member #18622) posted at 2:45 PM on Saturday, October 8th, 2016
Demanda, I admire you for your ability to humble yourself and apologize. I also admire your strength of character and ability to look within yourself and recognize something you may need to work on. There are few that can and are willing to do that. You WILL be OK just as TOC will.
Givers need to set limits because takers never do. THIS GIVER DID and because I stood my ground, we are happily RECONCILED!
CheaterMagnet ( member #33581) posted at 7:08 PM on Saturday, October 8th, 2016
((((((Demands))))))
I think we can all see that your comments came from a place of deep pain. And I certainly understand your envy at TOC's freedom. But I think it's important that we support each other and gain strength from each other.
This shit is ugly enough without us turning on each other.
Sending you peace and strength.
If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5
shouse ( new member #50671) posted at 6:26 AM on Sunday, October 9th, 2016
TOC I am sorry you have to defend yourself here
If an apology is needed - I will apologise as well to TOC.
There was never an attempt to attack her in any way.....I was just venting my thoughts and comparing my self to this wise and inspiring woman.
If you look at my last paragraph - you will easily see how much I look up to TOC's abilities to handle this heart breaking situation (needless to say - much better than I have been).
I would love to hear more ispiring updated from you (even the not-so-positive ones are inspiring for me)
Again - sorry if you misunderstood my post
BiggestDumbAss ( member #44868) posted at 10:51 AM on Sunday, October 9th, 2016
TOC
Your story/life has brought me to tears, anger, shock, laughter, and awe.
Happy and sad/heart broken for you at the same time........is that even possible??
this,..... what shockedmom said
Your strength and grace have been inspiring to witness over these last few weeks. Please continue to share your journey, many of us if not most appreciate your ability to deal with the trauma that changed the course of your life.
Hopeful30 ( member #44618) posted at 5:12 PM on Sunday, October 9th, 2016
Is the dog walker AP listed on YELP for her "services"? Maybe you could give her a review and a star rating? 😜
BS: Me
In reconciliation.
I edit for spelling and clarity
"Do or do not, there is no try." - Yoda
TurnOtherCheek (original poster member #55194) posted at 11:18 PM on Sunday, October 9th, 2016
Thank you to everyone for words of support and encouragement. The advice has been amazing. I know we are all hurting so hope we can always be here to support and respect each other.
Me: BW x 2 - 53
Ist XWH: Married over 17 years, DD and DS (mine)
2nd XH: Also 53, DS (his), 8 yrs together
OW: Pet sitter
D-Day: 9/11/16
Divorced in 60 seconds flat. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=591733
TurnOtherCheek (original poster member #55194) posted at 11:22 PM on Sunday, October 9th, 2016
Hopeful30:
Is the dog walker AP listed on YELP for her "services"? Maybe you could give her a review and a star rating? 😜
Good idea. I did check and seems her services are listed. Tempting. Very tempting. I still can't get past the fact she has a daughter to take care of. Really struggling with that one.
Me: BW x 2 - 53
Ist XWH: Married over 17 years, DD and DS (mine)
2nd XH: Also 53, DS (his), 8 yrs together
OW: Pet sitter
D-Day: 9/11/16
Divorced in 60 seconds flat. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=591733
20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 11:38 PM on Sunday, October 9th, 2016
This is when having a SI Just Found Out Squad would be beneficial. A group of BS's and reformed WS's flies out to help the new BS cope.
We're here for you. I know it isn't a ton of comfort, but I hope it is some. (((hugs)))
BW, 54 WH 53 When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas
TurnOtherCheek (original poster member #55194) posted at 11:51 PM on Sunday, October 9th, 2016
OK, so I did write, edit, delete and rewrite a message to the other woman. After lots of editing, soul searching and finally giving in, I sent it to her on FB:
"What were you thinking?
Clearly not about your daughter and having to take care of her well being.
Clearly not about being the best possible role model to her that you could be and she deserves.
Clearly not about what could go horribly wrong and how badly your egregious actions could hurt your business and ability to earn a living.
Clearly not about your reputation and in business how that means everything.
Clearly you were thinking only about yourself and own sexual gratification.
Maybe you thought in sleeping with XXXX (my husband) you could find your sugar daddy and not have to work at all?
Maybe you saw my life and wanted that for yourself?
Maybe you have no female friends and no understanding what sisterhood means and honoring that?
Maybe you lack a moral compass and do this often?
Maybe your behavior is why your relationship with your daughter's father crumbled?
Whatever your reasons, know that your behavior is as reprehensible as XXXX's behavior. Your behavior is as unforgivable as his. Your behavior is even more damaging because of the damage it can do to your daughter, your livelihood and ability to care for her properly.
More than anyone in all of this awful situation you and XXXX have created, I feel most sorry for her.
In the end, I'll be OK but you will always be her mother. You will always be a cheater. She deserves better. Much better.
Her response? She blocked me.
Bitch.
Me: BW x 2 - 53
Ist XWH: Married over 17 years, DD and DS (mine)
2nd XH: Also 53, DS (his), 8 yrs together
OW: Pet sitter
D-Day: 9/11/16
Divorced in 60 seconds flat. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=591733
Shockedmom ( member #44708) posted at 12:21 AM on Monday, October 10th, 2016
She is a coward. You already knew that so there is no surprise at her reaction. Hopefully her daughter will be unscathed by the horror of her mother's behavior.
Continue healing without a thought for her, she isn't worth it.
TurnOtherCheek (original poster member #55194) posted at 12:25 AM on Monday, October 10th, 2016
Shocked mom:
Continue healing without a thought for her, she isn't worth it.
I know you're right. I knew you were right before sent it but I couldn't help myself. I cannot get her out of my mind. Mostly I cannot get the fact she was in my house alone while we were out of town. It literally sickens me. I know I have to get over her but I feel a bit stuck on her at the moment. Believe me, I am way more annoyed at WH but ugh, I am so damn bothered by her!
Lord help me!
Me: BW x 2 - 53
Ist XWH: Married over 17 years, DD and DS (mine)
2nd XH: Also 53, DS (his), 8 yrs together
OW: Pet sitter
D-Day: 9/11/16
Divorced in 60 seconds flat. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=591733
Foley05 ( member #48459) posted at 12:40 AM on Monday, October 10th, 2016
Some messages take a while to sink in.
SilverStar ( member #46958) posted at 1:11 AM on Monday, October 10th, 2016
TOC you be as mad as you want at OW. I'm 2 years from DDay1, 20 months from DDay2 (same AP underground) and 1 year from learning that there was another A almost 2 decades ago.
WH's first A was a RA for OW. She cried to him about her WH's A and you can imagine the rest. She is still married to her WH and kept in touch with my WH (hey, how ya been) until I demanded NC.
The A that brought me here was with a middle-aged, divorced OW who had been a BS in her marriage. She told my WH that after her WH's A, she had been unable to get off the couch for 3 months because of despair and depression.
My rage at these bitches is separate from my rage at WH. These conniving little twats KNOW EXACTLY HOW IT FEELS and they participated anyway. You bet my WH would have found someone, anyone to have an A with. But these two, who were BSs? They broke the Girl Code and they perpetuated the same evil that was done to them. I bet their karma sucks.
Your OW? She knew you. You weren't some faceless BS that she could make up stories about, about how cold and mean and horrible you are. She knew you, went to your house and cared for your precious doggie. You trusted her. She broke the Girl Code. And she has a girl-child. Unbelievable.
I don't know if you are going to do a Yelp review of her business, but it's worth considering given that her job does require trustworthiness.
Let me finish up by saying you are a SI rockstar, and I'm really, really sorry this has happened to you, sister.
BW me
WH him
2 kids
D-Day 11/11/14
atalosss ( member #47882) posted at 1:24 AM on Monday, October 10th, 2016
First time posting here but I've read your entire thread.
I think your letter to her was just perfect. It would have been pointless to have focused on what she and wh did to you, she wouldn't care. And even though your letter wasn't intended as a threat (no indication that you were threatening her) but your suggestion that her skanky behaviour could impact her relationship with her daughter and her business I'm sure was not lost on her.
Look, you have a right to tell this intruder how you feel. I did and it ended up being helpful for me and I never once lost sight that my h was the one who truly betrayed me. I'm my case ow played herself off to be a victim so i pointed out the reasons that she was not.
The only downside that I can see happening is that she now knows that your wh is available.
Again, great letter 👊!
Eta: sounds like she panicked which is why she blocked you so quickly.
[This message edited by atalosss at 7:32 PM, October 9th (Sunday)]
"You can't ride two horses with one ass" Channel66
TurnOtherCheek (original poster member #55194) posted at 1:35 AM on Monday, October 10th, 2016
ataloss:
It would have been pointless to have focused on what she and wh did to you, she wouldn't care.
Exactly! I thought what would hurt me more than anything and of course being told I was a bad mother takes the cake! I have to believe any woman would feel the same so I took that route and didn't want to make it about me and my hurt because clearly that never mattered to her in the least.
Lastly, I am not at all bothered that she might think WH is now available. Seriously, right now, as far as I care at the moment - they deserve each other. He never wanted more children so if he gets saddled with a 9-year old, I hope she puts him through the ringer during the teenage years.
[This message edited by TurnOtherCheek at 7:38 PM, October 9th (Sunday)]
Me: BW x 2 - 53
Ist XWH: Married over 17 years, DD and DS (mine)
2nd XH: Also 53, DS (his), 8 yrs together
OW: Pet sitter
D-Day: 9/11/16
Divorced in 60 seconds flat. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=591733
CheaterMagnet ( member #33581) posted at 1:49 AM on Monday, October 10th, 2016
You know, if I were you I think I'd feel compelled to leave a review on Yelp. Her job involves trust and someone who would sleep with a clients husband in their home isn't very trustworthy. I certainly wouldn't want her in my home, caring for my pets.
I get what you're saying about not wanting to remove her way of supporting her daughter but what if the next client she fucks has kids? And do you really want another BW to go through what you are?
I wouldn't get personal, I'd just lay out the facts in a business-like fashion and let the chips fall where they may.
[This message edited by CheaterMagnet at 7:50 PM, October 9th (Sunday)]
If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5
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