SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think everyone else pretty much covered your question to me.

Now for your meet-up:

Do. Not. Beg.

Don't do it! You want control? Act nonchalant. When it's decided that you two are breaking up, just take it in stride. Show no emotion. Go home. Don't contact her. And then sit back and watch her react more to your non-action than she has for any of your actions.

We are meeting at Starbucks so it's very public. About to leave. Feel sick.

If she wants to leave,go for a drive,or some place more private to talk, DON'T DO IT.

No matter what you'll come out of this fine. Probably a lot wiser.

Although it won't seem like it now

Good luck Falc, remember don't beg and if everything goes bad get your mom's ring back.

It's over. I got my Mom's ring. She just wasn't wanting to reconcile at all. Lots of blaming me, how I made her feel bad. She commented on my looks and how I had all this new stuff and she was fucked financially. She complained that she left with me everything and she had nothing. I said that I thought we could work it out and if we got outside help we could make it through. I laid all my cards on the table and she just wasn't hearing it at all. She got mad constantly and said how everything I was doing makes her mad. I feel so shitty right now.

The worst thing you can do right now is not believe her.

Strict no contact. Business only.

Let her go and free yourself.

Ok Falc, good job on recovering your mom's ring, now please follow the advice you've been getting all along, FILE for D immediately and have her served, get out of infidelity and don't look back, you will be glad you did, don't stay "friends" with her, just ghost her, a couple of years from now you will look back at this moment and realize you dodged a bullet, have a happy life, you're still young and I'm sure you will find someone who will truly love you, respect you and that remains faithful.

You got the ring back, which is awesome, now there is NOTHING left to talk about. Go silent and let your lawyer do all the talking. You know 100% what you are dealing with and it's not workable. Now you know that, so there is no need to keep punishing yourself by contacting her.

Falc,

My thoughts are since she returned the ring, you need to have an understanding of the finality of the relationship. Further interaction will subject you to more drama and you have had enough of that.

When I read your recent posts they are dripping of drama. You need to get yourself out of it. Her remaining in infidelity and the constant drama are harming you.

Online emotional affair = drama

Sexting = drama

She does not know about the marriage = drama

Her father has to come get her = drama

Financial texts = drama

Relationship texts = drama

Remaining in a wayward relationship with the other man online = drama

Planning your visit to Wisconsin = drama

Her response when you reach Wisconsin = drama

Her putting you off or playing chase = drama

Meeting and Ring Return = drama

You need to understand that you cannot be married to her when she behaves the way she does.

She has made it clear she does not want the marriage based upon her actions and what she has told you.

She is angry. She is pissed about money even though she engaged in sexting and abandoned you. Based upon your post, she is not interested in any type of work that would serve as preparation to enable you to ascertain if reconciliation is possible.

Pretending to be married while one spouse desires to be single and behaves as if they are single will not work. It is time to let go.

I know it hurts. This is difficult to accept and comprehend. You need to embrace what you have control over and that is yourself. You need to move forward in a manner that is of greatest benefit to you.

Please protect yourself.

You should start the formal dissolution of your marriage to do so.

You need to see an attorney as soon as feasible to develop a strategy to maximize what is in your best interest financially and will get you out of infidelity via divorce.

It is time for you to cease communication.

Follow the advice of your attorney if you must contact her. Preferably allow your attorney to handle it.

Also, engage the services of a counselor to help you grieve the loss of your marriage and deal with the emotional pain.

Practice self-care.

Thousands of us have divorced or are in the process of divorcing. This is an excellent path to take to get out of infidelity.

You will heal. At some point in your future things will become lucid. Your life will have new meaning. You will laugh often and love much.

It is time to focus on yourself and your needs.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 9:19 PM, October 24th (Wednesday)]

Can't sleep. My mind is a storm. I don't think I'll ever get better. I don't think I will ever be happy again. I am forever scarred now. I am so fucking sad.

I remember those days. It does suck. I know you are sad, I feel it.

I'm here to tell you that you will get through this and you will have a happy future. It doesn't seem possible but it absolutely is.

My divorce was the release from the shitty marriage I was in.

I went through that agony, and I'm happy and healthy now. You will get there too.

Hang in there Falc

Falc what you're feeling is normal for the trauma you've been subjected to, but things will get better with time, file for D and get the process going, get the support of family and friends, pick up a hobby, keep hitting the gym, go out with friends, pick up a couple of good series on Netflix/Hulu/Amazon and/or go fishing, read stories on "New Beginnings" right here on SI, just try to keep your mind busy.

Falc,

If sleep issues persist you may need to see a physician.

Infidelity and break ups cause stormy minds. We call this riding the emotional rollercoaster. It is part of processing the pain and trauma your wife has caused you.

Endings can feel like an emotional wrecking ball hitting you in the gut with each pendulum swing. It’s no wonder you feel so entirely blindsided by the end of the relationship due to the actions of your wife.

Please keep a healthy perspective. Do not get caught up in catastrophic thinking about your situation. Don’t allow the thoughts running through your head cause you to fall prey to becoming fixed on negative thoughts like, “Nothing will ever be OK again,” or "I will never be happy again." Such questions will occur but they are merely questions and not a forecast of the future.

When you’re going through the healing process it’s important to remind yourself to gain perspective regularly. Think of your situation in the grand scheme of things. Create a backdrop that will help you keep your thoughts realistic and truthful. Keep your focus on the present but also think about how you’ll feel about this situation ten or twenty years from now.

You will heal. You are hurting now but you will not hurt forever. One day you will notice that things are much better and you will know you will be okay.

Allow yourself to grieve.

Scars are okay to protect the wounds as they heal.

Feeling sad is understandable. If you heal sufficiently you will once again experience joy and peace.

Falc

I too remember those days. I was a cop at the time and I remember a night maybe a month after d-day where I took my gun and seriously considered a permanent pain-killer…

It will get better.

But it won’t get better unless YOU work at it.

Listen to the good advice above about getting busy. I want to add to that some hints:

Hydrate. Make certain you are drinking lots of water. Heck… even soda’s… the main issue is hydration and not as much health. Stay away from alcohol.

Eat. Know you don’t feel like it but make sure you put some power in your body. Of course, healthy is better than junk-food, but right now I would be OK if you got a burger and shake every 8 hours…

Keep busy. I had this self-imposed rule: If I realized I was sitting on the couch moping about her or tossing in bed contemplating my misery I would force myself to do a task on a list I had. I guess I detailed my car twice a week, cleaned the bathroom in the middle of the night several times and mopped the floors daily…

Start a project. Paint your house, fix the drains, change the transmission in that old car you keep around…

Be amongst people… Visit friends. Drop by for coffee. Go to a movie. Join a club. Visit family. Walk in the park. Talk to people at the gym you are going to be hitting.

Falc – I am GLAD she said no.

I would be equally glad had she said yes and you two had positive and realistic replies to the questions.

The worst outcome would have been an unclear answer giving you false hope.

The main thing is that you have a path and a destination. You have a goal and now you know the vehicle that will get you there. It’s like you wanted to get from NY to LA and imagined it would be on a Business Class flight but instead you are sitting in a Greyhound bus. Eventually it will get you to your destination but it’s up to you to make the most of the ride.

[This message edited by Bigger at 3:54 AM, October 25th (Thursday)]

Hey Falc

I’m sorry for your pain. We all are. It’s not surprising what she said, but painful nonetheless.

I want to tell you that you don’t know what the future holds. None of us do. You told her how you felt and that’s all you could do. She wouldn’t hear it now. Maybe in her mind she will later. You offered to work on things and she rejected the offer.

The important thing is that now you have Carte Blanche to work on your own healing. Focus on you. Get with an IC and work through this pain. Get with a lawyer and start the process to legally end things. Get with your friends and family and have them support you through this.

Focus on the next great adventure in your life. Focus on meeting people and working toward your next great love.

I told you in a past post that when it happened to me I met the love of my life a year after I went through the pain of betrayal. You don’t know what happens next and that’s the great thing about life on this planet. The possibilities are endless.

As for the WW, she knows her options. If she wakes up one day and realizes the destruction she’s wrought on your M, she knows where to find you. She wouldn’t be the first W to come out of the fog and try to make things right. You can’t count on it happening but it is possible.

But there’s nothing you can do to make that happen. You’ve already done all you can. You just have to live your good life going forward.

Make a list of things you want to achieve the next 1-3-5 years and get started on that list. Focus on those things as part of your daily life. That’s exactly what I did when I was in your shoes. I still have that list decades later. Out of the despair can come great things, but it all starts with taking those first steps.

You are a good strong man. Great things lie ahead....

1. I have a lawyer

2. I have an IC

3. I've been keeping as busy as I can since she left last month

4. Been hanging with my friends and family as much as possible

5. Been hitting the gym a lot

6. Been going to church

7. Been sleeping okayish with the TV on

8. Been eating somewhat regularly

9. Been drinking fine

I am in such emotional pain I can't even imagine where I'd be without taking the advice here.The problem for me is that I can't see the future. I am in such a bad state of negativity that I think I will never meet anyone else. I will never get better. I got my mom's ring which is good, but man it hurts so bad. I just find myself going so crazy because I lost her. It's such a tragedy, such a disaster. Picking up the pieces is going to be so hard.

[This message edited by Falc at 7:38 AM, October 25th (Thursday)]

Falc , I am so sorry for the shitstorm that you are going through. None of this is your fault. As hard it is , it will pass. My recommendation is take things one day at a time for now.

The worst case scenario would have been months or years of false R. What a waste that would have been. You are still young and coming from someone who found someone much later in life than you, there are plenty of people out there. Ones that don’t cheat and will give you the love and respect you deserve.

Remember all the accusations she sent your way when confronted about cheating. The fact that she ran away 2000 miles away without any real dialog about fixing it. Blaming you for not having money when she left you holding all the debt. That is who she really is, not that woman you know n your mind.

[This message edited by 1survivor at 7:57 AM, October 25th (Thursday)]

I am sorry the meeting did not go as you hoped.

Focus on the things you can control.

Eat Sleep Work and Exercise.

and take my advice this time

NO CONTACT

Sorry you are hurting. She did you a favor by being very clear... some drag their spouses through false R hell.

At the very least, over a few days/weeks, the pain will start to numb just a little. You just gotta keep moving forward a tiny bit, for now.

You WILL find happiness again. I suspect your wife is facing a mountain of unhappiness due to stunted maturity and coddling family.

You WILL get through this.