SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

"leave me alone, just going to Home Depot to get some paint day"

What are you, an animal?! No one would take a Vette to Home Depot with those crazy big shopping carts running loose all over the parking lot!!

It's not your place to ask why anyone is wearing g what they are. Why do you care? Can't you get through a day without looking at a woman and automatically thinking she's got to be wearing that to turn me on?

Geez.

A second look, a smile all fine.

Grabbing my ass, slapping it, following me around after you've been told to go away....Not ok.

The thing of it is RIO, most of us women think of yoga pants as a Buick: Decent cars, won’t break the bank, super reliable and Comfortable.

The thing of it is RIO, most of us women think of yoga pants as a Buick: Decent cars, won’t break the bank, super reliable and Comfortable.

Jay Leno probably thinks of a Corvette as a Buick too (he's got like 150 exotic cars), doesn't change the fact one bit that most people are going to stare. Just because Jay gets to see better cars every day, most people don't, and most people are going to be pretty excited to see a mint condition Vette.

most people are going to stare

Go for it.

Still missing the point RIO - we’re not dressing like that to impress you. We’re dressing like that because it’s comfortable. And I’m not understanding what’s to look at. We have genitalia oh no!! You can see our breast mounds through clothing as well. Should we dress to make those more obscure?

It’s only a big deal to those who make it. You must have a lot of time on your hands

It's more than ok to admire the Vette!

It's NOT ok to key it...

And I’m not understanding what’s to look at. We have genitalia oh no!! You can see our breast mounds through clothing as well. Should we dress to make those more obscure?

It’s only a big deal to those who make it. You must have a lot of time on your hands

<sigh> Yeah, that's it, I have a lot of extra time on my hands. But, you've convinced me. Female breasts and genitalia aren't anything to look at. I will now, using my "man phone", tweet this out to every man in the world, let them know "hey guys, it's no big deal! Stop looking at women in yoga pants, a sports bra or a mini-skirt. Also, stop with the porn, it's just female genitals, what's the big deal". I'm sure it'll be 100% effective in stopping this behavior, far more effective than either accepting that certain outfits are going to get attention and rolling with it or not wearing those outfits if the attention is something that's not desired.

It's more than ok to admire the Vette!

It's NOT ok to key it...

Agreed. Assault is not OK (and is illegal). Looking a woman is OK, and, frankly, even if it's not, until my "man tweet" takes effect, people are going to do it anyway.

RIO, missed my point. I don't care if that's the way it is. I will wear whatever I want to wear. If that bothers or excites you, not my problem. Zugzwang was saying that the girl should change because he didn't like what she was wearing. Guess what. Too bad. That's just how it is.

Zugzwang, why are you so uncomfortable with what your niece is wearing? Does it excite you? Your solution is for another person to change her behavior so that you feel ok. But, when we women on here say, "Hey, guys, how about you change your behavior so we don't have to be scared for our lives every time we go out?" We're told, "Too bad. That's just a fact of life."

No, it doesn't excite me. It disgusts me. It disgusts her aunt and her grandmother. It is trashy. There is no reason for a person to be running around with her boobs hanging out and her ass hanging out. Like another poster said, it is just good decurum. Next thing you know, anything is appropriate any time. Where is the boundary? When will it end? You wouldn't have any problem with someone running around you in a negligee? Our family is suburban middle class people that just want someone to dress decent. I guess I am just old school. It is offensive because the amount of skin she shows. It isn't like I expect her to dress amish. Just dress like all the other women at the functions. Find some other way to show your individuality if that is the issue. Whatever happened to social class and decency? Generations are brought up with taste and they are going to judge what has no taste. Fact of life. I am sure my great great grandmother would have judged my wife wearing jeans or how ever long ago it was that they came out. There is taste and there is pushing the boundaries too far. There is no fucking reason for ass or boobs to be hanging out in front of other people in social situations. PERIOD.

So the question is answered. With many different POV and admissions to why they dressed. Exactly what I expected the answers to be. Some do, some don't.

That doesn't even touch the ones that do it for the shock value. Yeah, they are out there. My sister had a girlfriend back in her 20s that dressed for the shock value. She enjoyed confrontation. She dressed different every day. Just to see what people thought. Just to get a rise. One day two different colored socks. Next day, a halloween outfit showing her butt cheeks. Next day, manic panic red hair and polka dot 60s dress. Next jeans and shirt. Next tight clothes. It was for attention but not the attention for sex appeal. She wanted people to give her issues about her dress. She enjoyed stirring the pot. She was crazy, Loud, in your face, confrontational, obnoxious, wild, make no excuses, bitchy as all Hell with the foulest mouth on a woman I ever met. Her clothes matched her personality. Moved in with my sister and left her with a messy apartment and bounced rent check.

Guess what. Too bad. That's just how it is.

That is fine. That is how it is. Doesn't change the fact that the people around her will form their opinions and judge her based on her dress. Many girls her age come in dressed like that even for my work. The crap woman and men wear for a job interview. But, of course I shouldn't judge if they are good workers. They can't even manage to dress themselves decent.

[This message edited by Zugzwang at 6:38 PM, April 7th (Sunday)]

Guys

You aren’t going to get these women to admit they dress to get your attention from men or women. Even though they have said they want to dress to feel sexy or beautiful which translates to getting a guy.. because other women don’t care if your beautiful.

RIO /Zugzwang

They don’t get it.. they are too caught up in their storylines.

So Coco, you obviously can’t understand the point of the conversation!

I agree with that no one has a right to touch anyone Male or female unwarrantedly!

What I said was that if you were raped you would think about what you wear! I WAS RAPED... and afterwards was extremely picky about what clothes I was wearing. I DID NOT WANT ANY ATTENTION!!!!

Now the other day I was at a happy hour for a colleague that was leaving.

There were several of these women who are dressed beautiful/Sexy ... some what tipsy behaving inappropriately had it been the other way around. I see one of them run up to the colleague leaving(a man married with kids) and start to caress his chest and ask him about his workout routine and to look at how great she looks since she working out daily! I and several other were talking to him about his family since they’re moving out of state. That could be considered sexual harassment. His space was definitely invaded.

Yes I know this isn’t necessary you ladies here but it’s after she left everyone was talking about her and how inappropriate she behaved. But some guys got the notion that she’s available and commented on her dress.

So ladies you can’t just stick your head in the sand and say I’m gonna wear whatever I want.

Life isn’t that simple and I take responsibility for how I dress to be appropriate and again have some decorum because firstly I don’t want to show my bits to anyone except my fWH and secondly I don’t want any attention from men. I don’t need it to feel better about myself or feel beautiful or sexy.

That’s between me and my husband.

[This message edited by Hurtbeyondtime at 6:24 PM, April 7th (Sunday)]

But this^^^ is absolutely the best thing I've read all day. Put a smile on my face. And particularly felt this...

There's nothing like an awesome car to make everything better!

Hurtbeyondtime I agree. Guess values should never go completely across all boards. Dress never had anything to do with social or personal values. To answer the question. I am not a woman and I did dress to impress woman. My bigger point would be, if you don't like it-oh well. If you don't like being judged-oh well. Tit for tat. If you are so secure, you shouldn't be bothered with being judged. I still can't unsee ass and boobs hanging out. That's my problem, I can just ignore it. Based on that there is so much I should ignore because it frankly isn't my problem since having your ass and boobs hanging out is my problem. Like catcalls and namecalling from some creep. That isn't my problem if the woman is walking around with her ass and boobs hanging out. Her look and what it gets her isn't my problem. It is hers. Sure, I would step in if things got physical. But, names. Her problem. I don't want to see her shit and that is mine. Great social decurum. Got it. Judging is your problem, so just ignore it. To ward off the question. Why do I care. Because I grew up in a time where you just didn't walk around with that stuff hanging out. Thats why. The only time you saw that was in Dukes, car shows, and strip bars for bachelor parties. It just isn't right. The values are wrong.

[This message edited by Zugzwang at 6:51 PM, April 7th (Sunday)]

When you drive something people want to see/look at, or when you dress in a way that people want to see/look at, you can't get mad when people do, in fact, see/look at it/you. You might be in the Vette driving to the D attorney's office, having the worst day of your life and thinking "I hope everyone just leaves me alone today" and, there he is, RIO, hanging his head out the window to get a better look at your car (yeah, that would probably be me). You're going to get mad at me today or feel violated today because you "just trying to drive the car" where tomorrow might be a great day and you love the attention. How in the heck am I supposed to know if this is "show off the Vette day" or "leave me alone, just going to Home Depot to get some paint day". That's an unreasonable standard, IMHO, sometimes you drive the Vette and love the attention, other times you get angry about it, but EVERY time you drive it you're gonna get attention. So, IMHO, the anger is misplaced, your mad at someone for noticing something that you would be happy to have noticed tomorrow, or, in the case of clothes, your mad because the deli guy notices but then also mad/upset when the guy who's a body double for Brad Pitt in the product isle doesn't notice? There is no way for other people to read your mind, is the wearing booty shorts because she's trying to look sexy, just got done at the gym, or her house just burned down and this is all the has left.. I don't know, but I know I think women look pretty dressed like that and it's hard not to at least take a glance. And, yes, if I weren't married and dating, I might approach you in the off chance that the outfit was "to look pretty and see if anyone notices" and strike up a conversation. And I guess I'd then be the "harasser in isle 12". :)

Oh hell, RIO, it would be an absolute joy no matter what kind of day I'm having for someone to ask me about my sexy car, lol. I would NEVER get pissed because someone was leering at the Vette! I'd still be all "I KNOW, RIGHT??".

I'm never upset about a guy striking up a conversation with me or looking at me either. It doesn't matter whether I gave a damn what I was wearing at the time. TMI, but me in the yard dressed down but dirty with a chainsaw in my hand is what led to me having a fabulous hookup with a young soldier after I left my WH and moved to my new house. He struck up a conversation and offered me a beer. So did a guy I didn't find attractive, but I was hardly offended by it. How would we ever meet people if we don't strike up conversations sometimes? I was not remotely bothered, I was quite surprised that anyone found me appealing in that state, but it didn't upset me. I wasn't out looking for a hookup in my own yard, but there was a cookout going on at my neighbor's house and he had guests and hey, sometimes life takes a fun and unexpected turn.

So yes, if I were out in my Vette and you hung out the window and yelled something, you'd get a thumbs up and a happy smile from me and I'd be grateful as hell to be distracted by whatever hellacious nonsense was awaiting me. You can believe that if I chose to drive the Vette on an upsetting day, it was for the purpose of improving my mood. Same for if I'm dressing nicely. If my makeup is right and my hair is doing good things, that will improve my mood.

I don't care about being looked at and spoken to. I care about the creepy fucker following me around and staring and saying something gauche in a way that shows me completely how not a human I am to him. That's the only thing I'd complain about. Not if he struck up a conversation with me.

I volunteer for the local humane society and we had dog adoption weekend at Petsmart. It was pretty obvious to me when a guy came over to pet and look at the dog I was tending and when he used the dog as a reason to approach and strike up a conversation. I didn't have a single moment of being upset by any of those interactions. I was treated as a human and not a thing each time, and that is the point. There is a dance, you're right about that. The dance involves not being an ass, but it doesn't have to involve lying either. Aforementioned young soldier and I will likely never see one another again and that is totally fine with both of us, I'm sure. He succeeded not only because of his looks, but because he addressed me as a person and didn't make me feel threatened. We women are smaller and weaker physically than men, so we do have to ascertain to the best of our abilities that this guy we're interested in is able to see that we are people and not things to be done with whatever he wishes. I don't wanna wind up dead in a ditch or brutalized because I found someone attractive. A man who understands how to be a human and a nasty creeper may have the exact same intention - getting into my pants. No offense taken at that part. The offense comes into it when you're treated like you aren't a person and it's honestly frightening.

What are you, an animal?! No one would take a Vette to Home Depot with those crazy big shopping carts running loose all over the parking lot!!

OMG preach!!!! lol

DD I don't think the larger percent of men want to get into an attractive woman's pants. They are just looking for what most men really do eventually want. A relationship. When I was out trying to act 20s again during my affair, my wife pointed out to me what were you trying to do in your 20s? What do you think many of those young people are trying to do? Find someone. I was out looking in my 20s to 30s for her. Sure, there are some just having fun and partying but the biggest percentage I bet is looking to hook-up with a long term person.

Guys

You aren’t going to get these women to admit they dress to get your attention from men or women. Even though they have said they want to dress to feel sexy or beautiful which translates to getting a guy.. because other women don’t care if your beautiful.

I will grant you that I'm not a prude, but I can assure you that my color coordination, funky shoes, cool necklace and made-up face don't have anything to do with trying to get laid daily wherever I go. Particularly when it doesn't actually take that kind of effort to get laid. I mean really. This is just silly to me. I'm starting to think that the only way I wouldn't be "trying to get a guy" in your book would be if I actually went out of my way to try not to look decent when I left the house. Maybe scarred myself up, didn't bathe for a couple of weeks, stopped brushing my hair and ensured that I was covered from head to foot with burlap.

DD I don't think the larger percent of men want to get into an attractive woman's pants. They are just looking for what most men really do eventually want. A relationship. When I was out trying to act 20s again during my affair, my wife pointed out to me what were you trying to do in your 20s? What do you think many of those young people are trying to do? Find someone. I was out looking in my 20s to 30s for her. Sure, there are some just having fun and partying but the biggest percentage I bet is looking to hook-up with a long term person.

I think lots of men would be willing to actually date me instead of just hook up with me, sure. I'm not questioning that. Sexual attraction goes along with that. I have to be attracted to date someone in order to give them a fair shot. So sure, some guys striking up conversations are not just trying to get laid and that's cool.

Just to be clear, I have taken myself completely off the market because (as I'm sure many of us here can relate) I'm a fucked up mess from being cheated on and my marriage collapsing. I am not in the right headspace for getting involved with anyone. And because you aren't wrong that some men will want to actually date me, I'm off the market in all aspects right now because I am not likely to be good for anyone until I'm healed further. None of my wardrobe choices have anything at all to do with finding a man. They are 100% about how I feel about myself right now. The idea that I'm out man-hunting is hilarious to me at this point in my life.