SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I having a hard time sending this email to the OMW......

I know it's hard to do.

You'd be an asshole if you didn't find sending the information to an unsuspecting spouse difficult for you to do.

(((goose)))

Goose,

I having a hard time sending this email to the OMW......

Absolutely expected. You can do this.

I know it's hard. But you didn't cause this pain. They did.

I think that the things your WW is saying to you "just about sex" etc is just minimizing her true involvement with this guy. I think she's trying to keep you away from the OM and OM's BW. Your WW is probably fantasizing that she can move out and see OM more freely.

*Prediction*

As soon as you tell the OM's BW, the OM will throw your WW under the bus so fast it will make her head swim.

Goose,

You are doing GREAT. Hang in there.

Hang in - you are doing great!!!!

Goose -

IF you knew nothing about the A and it was the OMW typing you an email -

Would you want her to click 'SEND' ?

Goose,

yes, it is so hard knowing you will be the bearer of ending her world as she knows it.

How would you feel if you don't tell her and 6 months from know you found out she contracted HIV from her unfaithful H, and you could have stopped her from getting that??

I know that is the extreme, but also could be very realistic.

You can do this Goose, you know it is the right thing to do, just hit send .

Stay strong

Goose, once I notified OM BS, FWW never heard from that OM man again, and he did not respond to her calls. Never.

Thinking of you.

--Ats

I don't think this has anything to do with the OM and my WW staying connected or him ditching her etc etc. I really believe MY WW is done with him and will have no contact.

It's more about besides their job together..my WW and the OM come from different worlds, Lives etc. And if I don't send this email, she may never know.

I hate having to interfere with their life that I know nothing about.

It really boils down to would I want to know. or not...and if this is REALLY the right thing to do....

(((((goose-em)))))

i know you feel so heavy with burden and responsibilty with hitting that send button.... it's so hard - i commend and thank-you for doing it

there is a thread down in I Can Relate forums, "For Those Still in the Dark" - if you question or doubt yourself, i would suggest you read there, it may provide you with some clarity

at the end of the day, the pain isn't in the knowledge, but in the ACT - truly, believe this

it is not the truth's fault

IT IS THE ONLY THING TO DO.

You must tell her. I am sorry this has fallen on you. And I know it would be a lot easier to NOT tell.

But you are man. You know what it right.

You have to.

And you can. You have shown you are strong.

Please think of it this way...

She has a right to know about the state of her M. Yes, she will be hurt- as you were when you learned of the A- but she has the right to determine how she will handle this. For all you know, he may be a serial cheater, she may be trying to figure out if he's at it again, and you will give her the answer.

Conversely, she may have a gut feeling that something is wrong in her M, and my be tearing herself apart trying to figure out what she is doing wrong- all the while it is him who has checked out..

Yes, pure speculation- but it all boils down to her being given the truth about her M- and her right to know.

((((goose-em))))

tw

I don't think this has anything to do with the OM and my WW staying connected or him ditching her etc etc. I really believe MY WW is done with him and will have no contact.

It's more about besides their job together..my WW and the OM come from different worlds, Lives etc. And if I don't send this email, she may never know.

I hate having to interfere with their life that I know nothing about.

It really boils down to would I want to know. or not...and if this is REALLY the right thing to do....

Goose, you're to be commended for your compassion and concern.

However -- what do you think the chances -- if you don't mention anything to her at all - are that this fellow will walk the "straight and narrow" the rest of his life and never cheat on his wife again. . . . . .verse the chances that bolstered by his experience that he was able to bed some other man's wife without consequence, he will seek out and cheat on his wife some more?

If you are concerned about preserving the fellows marriage -- it's much, much better for the cancer of adultery to be exposed and cut out as soon as possible.

And that's not mentioning at all that any chances you have of recounciling with your wife will be better if the adultery is completely exposed.

Goose, I NEVER would have known if the other BS and my bestfriend hadn't made the MOW call me.

She should be able to have the right to make her own decisions for HER LIFE and her REAL REALITY.

With her in the dark, she is not living in her TRUE reality. And with that she is making decision that she may wish she didn't make if she WOULD HAVE KNOWN.

example: if my OW#1 significant other would have notified me, I would have maybechosen NOT to continue with my fertility treatment for my DD.

Do I regret having my DD-NO

But I would have liked to have been able to make that decision knowing what my REAL STATE OF MY MARRIAGE WAS AT.

Goose, just think about this ok?

It really boils down to would I want to know. or not...and if this is REALLY the right thing to do....

And, as everyone here will tell you, it IS.

It was when the OW's BS emailed me that my WH realized it was out, and it had to end. No more hiding...

I hate having to interfere with their life that I know nothing about.

Did they give your life,your marriage, your future a thought... I think not....

Send it... in the end she will be thankfull...

Goose, "my" other spouse knew something was up as early May09. The A had JUST turned PA, but he thought a terse phone call/email (I don't remember what was first) to my husband would warn him off. It didn't and they went underground. I found out quite by accident in July 09, but had just started to suspect something 3 days prior.

I will tell you, May to July was hell on earth for me. He was so nasty and no matter what I did? It wasn't good enough and I was lectured and yelled at. Our family vacation was beyond horrible. I cried myself to sleep every night and even the others we were vacationing with picked up on how he was treating me. I had NO idea why he hated me so.

IF ONLY the other BS had had the courage to let me know something didn't seem right. Yes, I would have been destroyed, but I was destroyed anyway on Dday. I wouldn't have had to sit in a vacation house and have my friends look at me with pity. It would have eliminated those months of me wondering what the hell was wrong with ME. When it REALLY should have been me wondering what the hell was wrong with HIM!

You have no idea if he's making her the villian to get rid of some of his guilt, or is he a serial cheater that has put her at risk for some nasty STDs... You just can't know. BUT. She is having decisions made for her regarding HER life...

We have members here that have gotten HIV, cancer from HPV, etc. This is not strictly a moral thing either- it realistically could be her health in jeopardy. Good luck as you go forward. And yes, it's amazing how textbook some of these WS's can be.

[This message edited by betrayedandnumb at 3:23 PM, March 3rd (Thursday)]

I am one of those people that are "in the dark" and my marriage COULD have healed, I really believe it if I had been told the truth, and the behavior had stopped. However, I believe a lot of my husband's bad behavior has been to cover up ALL his lies, we never have had a chance to heal and move forward. Only more and more lies on top of lies. The truth will set everyone free. If their marriage even has a CHANCE of being saved, everyone has to have the truth.

I hate having to interfere with their life that I know nothing about.

You are not interfering with their lives.

Your wife interfered in their M and her WH interfered in your M.

It really boils down to would I want to know. or not...and if this is REALLY the right thing to do....

Hate knowing about an A and wanting to know about an A are very different. I hate knowing about my WH's A but I'm at least thankful that I know.

Is telling really the right thing to do? I would kill the OW's BS if I found out that they knew and never told me. I would feel victimized by a third person in this F'ing A-bullshit.

My first post. I have been watched these boards off and on for the past 3 years since I found out about my W A. Here I am again going through it again with the same W and same OG. I will save the details for a post of my own, but I wanted to say to you goose-em you are not alone and you seam like a smart person. You will land on your feet. There are so many similarities between your story and mine. It really has me thinking and so much good advice has been given. I read through kind of fast and wasn't sure if you had mentioned what if anything you have told your family/friends? All I have to say is be careful about that. I wanted to tell the world at first, but luckily didn't. I told one good friend and it turned into disaster (no fault to him). I never have mentioned the A to my family, as I was hoping for a R and knew my family would be a hinderance in that process. I am not saying that you should do the same because all families are different, just think about what would happen if you do. Good luck to you.