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She had nothing but unreasonable terms in the divorce/dissolution papers drawn up -

- primary custody of the kids

- child support

- no alimony (she's not asking for alimony from me, but she makes twice as much)

- she keeps her pension, I don't touch it

I'm contacting an attorney today. Got the number of a cut-throat attorney through my sponsor.

It's very likely from everything I've been told so far, that it will be closer to -

- joint custody

- her paying me alimony

- possible child support

- half her pension

And that's on top of the 100K+ equity we have in the house, plus settlement money from a lawsuit

PLUS she will no longer have my salary to help pay the bills, finances, trips, vacations. If she wants to do this, there's a very good chance it will cripple her finacially, but that's not my problem, after all, this is what she wants.

[This message edited by JM72 at 9:24 AM, April 14th (Thursday)]

Blame shifting and feeding you breadcrumbs at the same time.

She's multitasking.

Drawn up, not filed.

Get it in gear

NJ doesn't favor men in a D.

If you step back, it's clear that she's thinking like an addict.

It's all someone else's fault

I deserve this fun because (WHATEVER)

Everyone is against me

None of this is my responsibility

I want what I want because I'm most important

I'm not saying she's addict. Just that you aren't going to change hey thinking any more than anyone can change the thinking of an addict.

Time to DETACH. And file. And deal with your continuing health.

I'm sorry. I know you didn't want this. But, control, man. Only you. That's it. And you've fine a great job so far.

And she says last night she's gonna file today, then goes to work and leaves the papers at home in the same drawer they've been sitting in for the last 3 weeks.

And those terms? Yep. Even in NJ your version is most likely.

She is in for a surprise.

You file them. Shock her But that isn't the purpose. The purpose is to begin your transition to closure m YOU need it

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 9:35 AM, April 14th (Thursday)]

Oh, I know scaredykat. I've said a few times she is just as sick as I was while being an active addict. I got chastised for it, but it's the truth, 100%.

She IS a sick person, it's the truth, and I don't care anymore if people think I shouldn't "judge" her. She has every trait you listed, and more, and I'm the fall guy for each and every one of them.

Yep shes in for a surprize . You will get alimony , half her pension , half the marital assets ,etc. Tough shit she worked her ass off. In the eyes of the law marriage is a business transaction.

I doubt she reaistically thought the consequences thru. Shes in for a rude awakening. Part of her shit is trying to make you feel guilty to give up more in the divorce. Dont fall for it.

Be guided by your lawyer, but

1. Document all conversations with your wife the day that they happen. Describe what was said.

2. Respond to all texts related to children

3. Make sure you have new copies of all financial records

4. Make sure you control/access to all savings accounts. Discuss with your Atty ASAP whether you should move money into an account she does not have access to. It is not uncommon for people to clean out joint accounts.

What do you mean by "clean out" an account? Do you mean hide it, or spend it?

The lawsuit settlement money came from her side of the family. I don't, and have never had access to it.

I went through a custody battle. It went all the way to the state supreme court. (XW didn't care for the fact that I won). I cannot emphasize enough how important what redsox said to you is. If you do anything, overdocument. Lord, I pray you have access to her FB post about the clubbing.

Strength

I had a friend who just divorced in nj.

One thing I haven't seen mentioned here is that you also want to get on the record financial support during seperation /during divorce proceedings. Sounds like she will have to give you spousal support.

Ps. NJ allows for free credit reports. You probably have the info needed to do a free check on your family (including wife) to look for hidden credit cards or debt

Search on Google: state of NJ free credit report

You may find it worthwhile to search for a personal net worth template for excel -- just as a reminder of what types of financial info you need. It's easy to edit to do for two people. The atty may assist you but the more prepared you are upfront always the better. Search on Google : personal net worth template

JM I think what redsox means is that its not uncommon for people to empty the joint accounts and try to keep the money away from the other. Your wife could do that just to make it harder for you to live. Typically most lawyers will tell you to take half as that is what is legally yours.

I've also seen people suggest using a VAR when things begin to get heated. Especially since, at least for the moment, what you essentially have is an in-house separation.

Maybe you should ask for exclusive use of the marital home before she thinks of it.

It's very likely from everything I've been told so far, that it will be closer to -

- joint custody

- her paying me alimony

- possible child support

- half her pension

And that's on top of the 100K+ equity we have in the house, plus settlement money from a lawsuit

PLUS she will no longer have my salary to help pay the bills, finances, trips, vacations.

If she wants to do this, there's a very good chance it will cripple her finacially, but that's not my problem, after all, this is what she wants.

JM72

Be careful. When the above sinks in she may “discover” how very much she loves you after all.

[This message edited by Graywolf at 11:17 AM, April 14th (Thursday)]

This was never about her loving me. It was about her not loving herself. I'm just an easy target to pin everything on.

Of course she's "not happy".

Of course it's "my fault"

Of course "all her problems are because of me"

She's a sick person, not a bad person. I'm not justifying her behaviors, I was just hoping she would hit rock bottom and wake up.

I said last night -

"YOU are having an affair. YOU are committing adiltery. YOU are lying and cheating. YOU created this, not me. For the first time in your life, own up to your own shit for once"

And then walked away.

Be careful. When the above sinks in she may “discover” how very much she loves you after all.

This was never about her loving me. It was about her not loving herself. I'm just an easy target to pin everything on.

Of course she's "not happy".

Of course it's "my fault"

Of course "all her problems are because of me"

She's a sick person, not a bad person. I'm not justifying her behaviors, I was just hoping she would hit rock bottom and wake up.

The point is, when she discovers how much this is really(not her fantasy numbers) going to cost her, watch out for what we call *hoovering*. It is not uncommon for WW's to *fall back in love* when the rubber meets the road. The problem is that it is all false. It's a ruse to lull you back into the M without any significant changes on their part. It really gets interesting when you won't fall for it. That's often when the violence begins. Please VAR everywhere.

You may want to consider starting a thread in Divorce and Separation. There are some vets there that don't venture into JFO.

Just a thought

The divorce papers may cause a kind of rock bottom. We both know that that would be a false start.

Self care. Detach. Work your program. But you have to move from inaction at this point to protect yourself and your kids.

I'm so sorry. For her, too. She's on that destructive path, we can see her on the train tracks with the train coming at her. You can yell and scream for her to move out of the way, but she still thinks the train won't hit her. We know differently.

DontEvenTryAndChangeHer

So after the explosion last night, she texts me today -

Stop assuming. I never said I didn't respect you. You said that. I also never said I settled. We have a history, 4 great kids. But we were never good together. I wasn't happy.I went through alot and didn't have a partner through most of it. I was alone. I was lonely. I felt unloved, unwanted, unattractive, unappreciated.We both deserve to be happy. I don't want to make this difficult on you

The bolded parts are 100% spot on. Thing is, she thinks she feels this way because of me. She feels this way, but she is the only one who can fix it. I didn't cause it. In her mind, she's not happy, but the blame is on me.