SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You will be on what everyone here calls the rollercoaster for awhile. This is normal in a not so normal situation.

Remember you are still in shock right now.

You are handling this way better than most.

You probably should inform your boss that you are going through a family emergency, etc. so you don't have an issue at work. Most are very understanding and will help you out.

You will get through this. With the way you've handled it so far better than most. Although you can't see that right now.

Try and stay as rational and calm as possible.

Take some time to yourself and think things through.

It was if he was her date and I was just some guy getting in his way.

Unfortunately that's what describes this best.

Do you have any siblings that you would feel comfortable with talking about what you are going through? I only ask because you mentioned briefly thinking about hurting yourself. Your daughters are supporting you but in the end you are their father and need to appear strong to them. Aside from your BIL, you haven't mentioned anyone else you could talk to and open up to about all you may be feeling at this time.

Hey Dan- Hope that you are keeping it together, one step at a time... focus on your kids and yourself, then your WW. I expect she is anxious to come home, Is she still at her sister's house?

How was your wife acting on the way and at the party? Did she seem normal or shifty and apprehensive. Trying in her head to figure out how she will play it when you and Jennifer crossed paths?

Hang in there, you seem to be doing very well, all things considered.

I talked to my boss a little today. We have been together almost 20 years and he has my back. I will work half a day tomorrow, tue, wed, thur and then we are off till 1/2.

She just text and asked if she could call me. I told her no and to concentrate on her to-do list. I have a feeling she might try to move back in tomorrow while we are gone.

I understand. I am sorry you and your family are going through the trauma of your wife's betrayal.

Please know it does get better. You will heal.

You will find support if you ultimately decide to divorce or if she does the work to be a safe spouse and you decide to offer her the gift of reconciliation.

You should make this decision in your own time frame based on your needs. The paths of reconciliation or divorce run together for sometime for some individuals and circumstances. If you are done and wish to divorce her that is one path out of infidelity. If you want to see if she is a candidate for reconciliation and will do the work that is equally acceptable.

In the meantime you need to take care of yourself in all facets of your life.

Your emotions will be all over the place for awhile.

My thoughts are with you and your family during this difficult time in your life.

I’m of the mind separation is only good for the W to continue the A in secrecy. I don’t believe that is the case with your WW. But you know you better than any of us, if it is what you need, seperation, it’s what you need.

Like Bigger stated though, you don’t have a legal right to keep her out of the house.

I have a feeling she might try to move back in tomorrow while we are gone.

Trying to move back in while you are at work would demonstrate zero regard for what you have told her you need right now. You said you need space, if she’s listening to you and thinking more about you than herself, she won’t be there when you get home.

You've been dealt a harsh blow and you won't get over this anytime soon.

Your kids know but I think it's best not to have any harsh language or confrontations around them. That sort of thing doesn't get you anything anyway.

It may be good to explain to your wayward wife that for now you need the space of her not being around so you can calm down and be rational.

Things said and done can never be unsaid or undone.

Her actions are a good example so don't put yourself in a bad place. It's tough to have yourself under control upfront.

Dan, think about plan B about where to stay for you and your kids if your wife decides to surprise you by coming back home. I would consider a hotel among other possibilities. You need your safe space.

If you feel she may come back home if you are out, just try to play that in your head so you are prepared if it DOES happen. You need to be strong for your daughters, so please take that into account before blasting off at her. Think about how you will handle it, JUST in case she does it.

Listing OM as "Jennifer" in her contact list says a lot.

She knew what she was doing was wrong and never intended you to know about it.

Listing OM under a girl's name is a trick of an experienced cheater. Or someone who has googled "how to cheat and not get caught." Or someone who was getting advice from an experienced cheater. Her intention was to have sex with him. Probably the night of the party.

Pick one or all of the above.

What to do from here is up to you.

Given what she has done, can you ever trust her again?

Do you have a spare room in the house?

Consider moving her stuff into it in case she returns - but also just to get her stuff out of your 'alone' space.

I’m sure you’ve already thought of this, but make sure you don’t let her phone out of your sight. You’re saying you’re concerned she might come home while you’re out - she just quit her job, she has nothing to do but go through every room, every drawer, every nook and cranny to find it and delete everything.

Also as a side note, the BIL might simply be asking when she can have her phone back because as of now she is using his own child’s phone instead and he might want the kid to have their phone back. I would just get another phone on your plan, and get one that is not a smart phone. Nothing with internet or app access, just some boring old flip phone. They do still exist, and this will limit her access to only those she can call or text, both of which will show up in phone records.

Some people have mentioned not needing to know anything else because you already know she was unfaithful. Don’t feel bad if you want all of the info. It’s perfectly normal to want as many details as possible. Even if you feel like you want to D right now, if you decide against it later, I think you will definitely want to know that you did everything you could to get as much information as possible during this time.

Chances are if your WW returns at this point, having changed nothing, the conversation with your daughters will move from a quick apology for mistakes to what a lousy husband you are, essentially blaming you for her actions. This is a really bad situation now, but it can get much worse if you don’t hold the line on your demands. Next time, she will be much better at hiding her infidelity, if this is not dealt with effectively this time.

Make clear she is not returning home other than to pick up belongings, and if she does decide to stay (which unfortunately she has the right to do), you are moving out. Better yet, tell her you’ll bring her stuff to her. The more things look like they are heading towards separation and divorce, the less rug sweeping and blame shifting you will face. You don’t even know at this point whether she may actually want a divorce, so stay strong and cool.

[This message edited by megahertz at 11:04 PM, December 16th (Sunday)]

I will have the phone with me tomorrow until I go to AT&T and get the new number. I will bring my old phone with me to transfer the number.

Everyone seems hung up on her listing him as "jennifer" in her contacts. I'm more concerned with her going to lunch with and holding hands with a guy that she had met 24 hours earlier.

We do have a spare room but I do not even want her in the same house as me. I have spent the last few hours reading some of other stories on here and it actually made me feel better about my situation.

As bad as this is, it could be worse. I just assumed that when you caught a WS that they would beg for forgiveness, but I see that many do not and continue to stray.

If I find out that they are in contact then I see no other option then to D. Did this guy actually think that he was going to replace me, or was he just trying to get a piece of ass?

What scares me is the way had acted. He didn't seem like a guy just looking to score. He seemed more like a stalker. I told the girls to stay on the look-out for a guy with a black eye.

Question: does this rule out things like AncestryDNA for you and the kids from now on? Maybe avoid any of those just to make sure nothing unfortunate shows up?

For the record, I don't want to come across as some kinda of wannabe badass. When I first confronted the guy in the parking lot and he came back at me, I thought for a second that maybe I had just made a big mistake.

It ended up in my favor but easily could have gone the other way. Looking back, it was a bad decision on my part. I was crying like a little bitch while driving home.

Thanks for all the support. This community has done more for me than you could imagine. Its nice to have someone to talk to who understands what I am going through. Thanks.

Everyone seems hung up on her listing him as "jennifer" in her contacts. I'm more concerned with her going to lunch with and holding hands with a guy that she had met 24 hours earlier.

You are correct his demeanor was strange based on only knowing her for a short time.

As bad as this is, it could be worse. I just assumed that when you caught a WS that they would beg for forgiveness, but I see that many do not and continue to stray.

Just because a BS finds out doesn't mean it ends. I doubt that's the case with yours but you never know how these things can turn out.

What scares me is the way had acted. He didn't seem like a guy just looking to score. He seemed more like a stalker. I told the girls to stay on the look-out for a guy with a black eye.

His actions were weird at best. It might be a good idea to show them who he is. At this time you don't know anything about him or what he's capable of.

If it were me I'd inform their HR first thing. You have more than enough proof to send him back to Canada.

Dan - there was a reason I posted what I did; she wouldn't be the first woman in her 40s to get groomed like a naive school girl. Read up on Walloped and Mrs. Walloped - she posted in the wayward forum - I don't normally recommend a newly betrayed spouse read there At. All. But her story might give you some clues as to how your wife became so stupid so fast, especially if she passes a poly that this was her first and only affair.