SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The forum rules are very clearly posted. WS aren't allowed to post on this forum. In red letters, above the posting box when you have posted on this thread..three times..it clearly says not to post here if you're a WS.

Considering your question in the off topic forum are you the OP's wife? I see in your profile you're male.. but..maybe not?

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:30 PM, December 16th (Sunday)]

People make mistakes in life.

They do because they're human.

However, a mistake is something you didn't mean to do. Like adding up wrong numbers, breaking a glass by accident.

Dans wifes actions were conscious decisions deliberately carried out by deception. Hardly a mistake.

She didn't type her AP's name in her phone under Jennifer By mistake.

Dan is smart and will figure this out in his own time. He's done well so far.

[This message edited by Marz at 8:34 PM, December 16th (Sunday)]

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:54 PM, December 16th (Sunday)]

Please don’t consider DNA tests for your daughters. I understand wanting to demonstrate to your WW that she has tossed your trust away like so much trash, but your girls would be haunted by such an action merely to make a point to your wife. That strike at your wife would be at their expense.

I, too, think that DNA testing your daughters will do damage to them. It could destroy them if they found out. They might think that you would kick them out if they weren't yours. There's been enough trauma in their young lives already. JMO.

HellFire, the question is a direct quote from this very thread.

Good pick up on Sorry4everything. I missed that even with the odd first post. Disregard everything posted by Sorry.

OP, yes some people here might seem harsh. But scorned isn't the reason you're getting the advice you're getting. The advice is hard earned wisdom from people who have been where you are. Every single person here wants the best outcome for you and your children. And,even your wife, if she finds true remorse and gets her shit together. Think of this forum like an emergency room. The wounds are critical. You need life saving treatment. That's where the urgency is coming from. Should you choose to attempt reconciliation, you will get tons of great advice on how to do that. Should you choose divorce, you will get great support and advice on the best way to get through all of that.

That being said, does your wife have access to your Google account? Can she see your search history? You should change your passwords. And, do NOT share this site with her. If she hasn't found you here already, you need to keep this as your safe place.

Chicky, I wasn't sure. It seemed very odd.

OP, you said she's texting the girls. What is she saying?

Waywards like to pretend they didn't betray their children,as well as their spouse. But, they have. They risked their children's family and security,and happiness, for someone on the side. It's an absolute betrayal. Right now, yes, they are angry and upset on your behalf. But the realization that she betrayed them will hit them hard. I hope you all can find comfort in each other right now.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:47 PM, December 16th (Sunday)]

Please don’t consider DNA tests for your daughters. I understand wanting to demonstrate to your WW that she has tossed your trust away like so much trash, but your girls would be haunted by such an action merely to make a point to your wife. That strike at your wife would be at their expense.

If they turn out his daughters, how so? If not. Then there are way bigger problems here. It's unlikely he'll do it, because he loves these girls but if his trust would be eroded to this point, just to give himself security he should get one just not tell either his wife or daughters.

Yes it was odd and the first thing I thought when I saw it was Dan had shared with someone (BIL) that he was getting online support and his wife somehow found it out and tracked him down. Yes I have a vivid imagination but it could happen.

eta: add a word

[This message edited by Chicky at 8:49 PM, December 16th (Sunday)]

Dan, I guess you know that one essential aspect of your strength is your ability to talk and write about what you HAVE DONE, not what you are PLANNING TO DO. So, if you are considering a polygraph test, keep it for yourself until the test is scheduled and you are telling your wife about it in a parking lot a couple of minutes before the test.

Also, I hope you will find a safe space for soul-searching, without your wife around (if you don't have a decision made). I think that if we look deep inside, then most of the time we know what is the right thing to do, even if this right thing appears to be difficult and painful.

Honestly, from what you have shared of her flirting, sexting, making out, planning more, quitting only because she was caught, gaslighting, and continuously lying causing one of the most traumatic moments of your life I can't see how it may work for your in the future. To stay married, you will have to keep eating this shit sandwich and either implant a 24/7 video and audio recording system in her inner thigh, or keep torturing yourself every time she comes home late, gets distant, or simply spends her time away from you.

[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 9:14 PM, December 16th (Sunday)]

Let try to answer some of the questions.

No, I will not DNA test my daughters.

Her supervisor is female.

I trust my BIL with my life. He is just in a hard position.

The texts that she has been sending to my daughters are basically a lot of "I love yous" and "I miss yous"

I did sent her a text about getting an STD test and buying "not just friends".

She denies being "fingered" and claims that he just felt her up over her scrubs. Probably another lie.

We can survive without her be employed for a little while. Shes an RN and gets job offers weekly.

And for those who are saying that I have no right to take her phone and kick her out. She has agreed to both of those conditions.

She is the one that blew up our family 11 days before Christmas.

She is the one that allowed another man into our lives.

She is the one acted like easy slut.

She is the one that put me in danger.

She is the one who broke my heart.

She is the one who embarrassed me.

She is the one that made me consider doing harm to myself.

She is the one who broke our marriage vows.

Also, I don't mind getting advise from former cheaters. As long as you are here to help, I am willing to listen. Some times a different perspective helps to see things more clearly.

Dan, this line of yours: "She is the one that made me consider doing harm to myself". Please, try to find some more people other than your BIL who could support you in this traumatic experience. You have mentioned that you asked your wife to see an IC, I think you would benefit from an IC as well. It is just too much burden for one pair of shoulders.

I think you should seriously consider the Polygraph. While it might seem like you caught this A right before it became more physical than it already had you can't be sure. But even more important than that I think is to determine if she has done this before. As many have noted on this thread the speed that she moved from "Nice to meet you" to "I'm ditching my husband for the Christmas party" was breathtaking and seems almost unprecedented to me. It could be that this is the first time but it just seems unlikely.

A good polygraph examiner will help you draft some questions that are unambiguous and get to what you need but I think you'll have to start with a definition of sexual contact so that you cover all of the potential bases so to speak and then ask something like "Have you ever had sexual contact with anyone other than Dan over the length of your marriage?"

There is no doubt to me that the intent of the Christmas party was to close the deal and to have sex with the OM. That is why she didn't want you to go and that is why he was so angry to see you. She had to make an appearance, to be seen, and then she was going to leave with him most likely. There can be no doubt where this was going before you caught it. I think another question for her is to ask if there is anyone at her work or other friends that knew about this. If so those people have to be removed from her life. They are not friends of the marriage and they need to go.

Good luck to you.

[This message edited by beenthereinco at 9:25 PM, December 16th (Sunday)]

Also, I don't mind getting advise from former cheaters. As long as you are here to help, I am willing to listen. Some times a different perspective helps to see things more clearly.

That would be OK if you were posting in the General forum. It's against SI forum rules for WSes to post in the JFO forum.

Good pick up on Sorry4everything. I missed that even with the odd first post. Disregard everything posted by Sorry.

For that you’ll have to move to General. Keep in mind, the advice you received from that particular W would have kept you in infidelity.

Your’s is still an interesting case, your WW appears to have moved at the speed of light into this, WHY? Just a general rule, if it doesn’t make sense, if it seems off, if it seems to good to be true, It’s probably BS. I know I’m a broken record but I don’t appear to be the only one thrown off by your WW’s oddity.

Your have a strong gut “sense”, what is it telling you now?

Sorry4Everything was advocating rugsweeping your wayward wife's infidelity.

Rugsweeping is a form of denial. It is fake. It is named after the idea of sweeping dirt under the rug, so that it’s not really clean at all…just hidden. Basically, one or both spouses pretend that everything is back to normal. The issues in the marriage are not addressed. There is no work done by the wayward spouse so that cheating is not an option. When the situation or stimulus occurs infidelity transpires.

Rugsweeping will produce resentment in the betrayed spouse. One day the BS will have had enough and the pressure will be released in a disastrous fashion resulting in an end to the marriage.

Do not rug sweep the infidelity of your wayward wife. The results will be disasterous. Do not heed such advice.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 9:36 PM, December 16th (Sunday)]

Yeah, on the drive home from the party I had a lot of shit going through my head. One minute i'm sitting there trying to explain to myself why my wife has so many unexplained text messages and 5 minutes later im in the parking lot fist fighting a crazy french guy.

It was if he was her date and I was just some guy getting in his way. My wife of 20 years, the mother to my daughters, the woman that I thought I knew every detail of her life, my best friend. It felt like is was getting dumped at prom. I kept looking in my rear view mirror expecting the police to be chasing me.