SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The co-worker asking her about the fight confirms some people saw what happened with OM and now the office gossip is in overdrive, probably the main reason she just quit to avoid the embarrassment at work.

She's still not remorseful by a long shot, she's still minimizing, she needs to accept that even if she had not have intercourse with OM "yet" (maybe they already had intercourse, maybe not), it was going to happen after/during the party or in the next few days, women simply don't just let a guy finger them and make out if they're not ready for full blown sex, if a woman lets you touch her vagina, she WANTS sex, she needs to stop minimizing and lying, that should be number one on the list. She already admitted to a PA but denies intercourse, why would a player stop at just "fingering" and making out ? I figure OM would go for it right there or try it the very next day, anyway if you can't prove intercourse, she needs to at least acknowledge it was heading that way pretty soon, that this was not a mistake and she wanted to have an A, I would ask her what made her cheat so quick, a grown woman in a 20 plus year M.

Also if you decide to R, demand she signs a post-nup in case the R is not successful and you later realize her A was a deal-breaker for you.

Keep the phone for now, she should be concerned about how she's going to try to fix herself and not trying to contact other people, possibly OM for a "sweet goodbye" and/or co-workers to know the extent of the gossip at her workplace, if she wanted to call a family member, sister has all those numbers.

It’s time your BIL reframe from mediating between you and your wife. Your wife can call and ask you for her phone without a mediator. Don’t tell your BIL all you are planning and most importantly, the conversation you will have with your attorney.

Also, I wouldn’t give back her phone as of this time. She should be concentrating on the damage she has caused. If you do, (as you have stated) transfer her number to another phone and give her a new number. If you chose that route, call her personally and tell her you will give back her phone tomorrow and bypass your BIL.

as for the timeline + her thoughts and feelings ... I would want to know exactly what she was thinking while putting his contact in as Jennifer.

I'm a nurse - I have the IT contact number that I might need while working - under MIKE/IT GUY.

DaninOH

Get back to earth.

You can’t kick her out of the house.

You can’t make her search for an apartment. IF you separate or divorce then an attorney will ensure the correct process to decide who lives in the house while the divorce goes through. Part of that process will be deciding if the home is sold or if either if you can keep it.

You can’t go and cancel her phone and number if it’s in her name. Why not give her back her phone? Think a new number and no phone will stop them from keeping in touch if that’s what she wants?

You can ASK her to do these things, but you can’t make her do any of them.

What you are dealing with won’t be fixed in a couple of days.

As I have repeatedly stated: The truth will come out.

There is no need to speculate and build up all this fantasy of what if’s.

Give it time.

Stop thinking on impulse and start thing strategically.

IF you divorce then actions like throwing her out, keeping her possessions and all that can come back and bite you in the ass.

Edited to add: And since you have an attorney appointment tomorrow you ask how you can attain your goals LEGALLY.

[This message edited by Bigger at 6:56 PM, December 16th (Sunday)]

I’m agreeing with Bigger here. If you try to force these things, such as making her move, new phone, etc...you could come across as violent. Maybe that is what she’s telling people and what she is hoping to be able to fall back on if you do those things. Don’t give her the benefit of that. Just be careful and act legally. I hope you gain insight with your lawyer.

I agree with Bigger in regards you can't make her do anything.

In my opinion, I would let her back into the house. It's still her home and I think you might resolve more if she was there. You have time to determine your next steps. Take your time and think before you act.

Kicking her out of the home will hurt you if you divorce and will make it easier to see other men in case you want to reconcile. Seriously man just see an attorney and find out the best play for you and your kids.

Changing her number isn't going to keep her from having inappropriate contact with other men.

Give her the phone back and monitor through your provider. If she uses an app for contact, it won't matter what phone she uses as you will never know.

There's a whole lot you don't know. Focus on getting information here. Polygraph is a must. Follow through with it. Eleven days until sexy dress/get hubby out of the way for an evening out? This screams not the first time here. You need to find out exactly what you need to forgive here.

edited: Cross-posted with like everyone above here

Dan, we are all telling you the same thing. Think about it.

[This message edited by antlered at 7:18 PM, December 16th (Sunday)]

Dan,

Try www.google.ca (Canada). I know that’s a little obvious and you’ve already likely looked there, but I thought I’d mention it.

Also, another 2 cents about your wayward wife since folks are discussing how she came to be involved with Garçon Châtré (Castrated Boy).

A few things about some of the stuff I’ve read here:

I imagine until a few weeks ago you were operating in your marriage under the assumption you were married to a reasonable grown adult, yes? If so:

No one can groom a grown ass adult woman who has a solid moral center. Well adjusted women don’t spread their legs to earn favor or position among their colleagues or get easily confused by positive attention. Competitiveness in the workplace does not equal getting fingered in the supply closet in hopes that will make you number 1! Grown ass women can admire someone’s accent without their knees popping open. Women do not have a genetic predisposition to step outside their marriage any more than men do. Many women on this site have been devastated by the men in their lives and would take exception to being characterized that way. Note that the posts I read said “some” women and they weren’t trying to generalize (so please don’t think I’m calling anyone out because I think those posters made a solid point about distinguishing between types).. They made a solid point that the women who DO operate that way are really flawed (just like the men who operate that way are).

So, we are left with:

Your wife who knew exactly what she was doing, was in full control of her faculties, and was doing it for a reason. She needs to share that reason with you. Understand that reason could be as simple as “she’s an asshole” which has nothing to do with her lack of dangly bits or ridiculous as “you started neglecting me and I.....” or “I ate the attention like donuts and Doritos!”. If it is the 2nd and the 3rd, please don’t accept that. Her crapping all over the most important commitment she’s ever made is on her, not you... and not because she’s a simple minded woman ruled by pretty words or cheesy words or nonsense, but because she’s weak and duplicitous. A liar and a cheat.

That is where the hard decision has to be made. Namely, do you want to depend on someone with that jaw dropping character flaw for the rest of your life? Should she be the person who cares for you when you’re old should it come to that? If the world explodes, do you want her in your lifeboat and can you depend on her to row as hard as you will?

Either way, even if Monsieur Garçon Châtré was pulling out all the stops, she. did. this. She broke her vows. She was shitty and manipulative and sneaky and dishonest and cavalier and disrespectful and completely and utterly betrayed your trust and devalued a 20 year commitment out of selfishness and her only thoughts were about herself. Can you rebuild it with her if she truly wants to and is willing to? That’s something only you can answer.

While Bigger says you can't kick her out of the house, which is true, you can pressure her to find another place and use her guilt against her to influence her that way. She will probably not want to be home when she is public enemy #1. I would talk to your attorney about strategies to lawfully keep her away but right now, all is good. She's staying away.

Look, I am mixed on the 'don't make any decisions for 90 days' and try to keep her away from the house arguments. They go against each other. If you wait 90 days and she lives somewhere else, she could be out screwing Frenchtard and you would have no idea. She already had enablers at the hospital. Burner phone and get his # and she could bang away for the next 30 days with him and without you knowing. Then after 90, if you have a change of heart, you would have no idea what she did in those 90 days. She could have done a lot worse things so your decision in 90 days may be built on falsehoods.

Look, I hate stories like these which show 20 years going up in smoke because your wife got very, very stupid.

So far, you have conducted yourself like 'the man !!!' and should remain decisive. However, I feel strongly that you need to poly asap, I mean superfast and find the extent of her infidelity. Was this the only time ? Were there others ? get the best informed you can and the fastest you can and make the best decision you can as soon as possible.

In that environment, make sure this was her only one. She acted as though she was a pro this time which worries me

Postnuptial Agreement

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:55 PM, December 16th (Sunday)]

I agree with Western. After your wife gives you a timeline. Ask your wife any questions that you may have, then ask her if there is anything she wants to add or hasn't told you yet. Then have her take polygraph asap. If she's already told you when she is giving you the timeline you may even try to arrange the polygraph appointment now.

My BIL called me and asked when she can have her phone back?

The answer should be to get her a new phone with a new number.

And you should have full access to that phone and I loud account, with monitoring software like Life 360 installed, GPS history, and Find My Phone enabled.

Her phone privacy should be a thing of the past as long as you continue to be married to her.

***

From an investigatory standpoint, you have not put her current phone through its paces yet.

I hate to be a broken record, but you should run the phone through phone recovery software, like Fonelab, on your own.

It's dead simple, and you'll be able to find everything you need.

For that matter, run Fonelab on her old phones as well to see if there is more history you need to know!

You give that phone back to her and she'll wipe it and all evidence into oblivion.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 7:58 PM, December 16th (Sunday)]

Add DNA paternity test to your list.

Make sure she knows you’re doing it. It illustrates damage to trust.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:57 PM, December 16th (Sunday)]

I think you may have dodged a bullet my friend. Your case is definitely an example of how a BS should deal with this shit sandwich.

What am I missing?

I think you need to pursue her deception and how she learned to change his contact name and what other methods she used. Maybe it was a friend that advised her... well however it shakes out, you were ALL over it.

Sorryforeverything, are you a WS? Your question in another forum asking for translation,and talking about an IT guy is interesting. Isn't the om in this situation in IT, or am I mistaken?

Also, I disagree that he should go easy on her because she's scared. He's in tremendous pain. She is the perpetrator. She's scared because she didn't think she'd be caught. And now everyone knows. The BH's here have had great success by taking a position of strength, not weakness. And OP hasn't been hard on her. He's acted decisively,and refuses to take any more shit from her. Which is exactly what he should be doing.

The polygraph is to determine if she's being honest. If she fails, then he knows she's not serious about reconciliation.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:22 PM, December 16th (Sunday)]

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:57 PM, December 16th (Sunday)]

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:55 PM, December 16th (Sunday)]