SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

He was with me when I was going through my divorce. I told him about everything (and he saw a lot of XWH's antics) so he KNOWS.

And he did it anyway.

This is what I've been thinking since I read your post. How can a person DO that?

I'm so, so sorry you are living through this again. You have been such a source of strength to so many here. You WILL get through it.

Wow. Keep in mind this is going to catch up with you after the initial anger subsides.. please take care of yourself. But you'll be okay in the longer run. I'm really sorry you have to go through this again.

Gaby, like everyone I have admired you from afar and am heartbroken over this reversal.

As for R requirements, I am going to apologize in advance for my bluntness:

R??????? Right now??? After this?

R should be NOWHERE NEAR your radar. Not a blip. Nothing.

He should be leaving skid marks he's moving so fast to get outta your house! He gets NOTHING but crickets until you have rested and found comfort & strength so you will be sure of what you do next.

Really.

R !?! Devil, get thee behind me!

(Now, temper that with: it's just my opinion, and that's what you asked for. If it doesn't fit, well, I send it with all the best I have. ((many hugs, sweetie))

This is what I've been thinking since I read your post. How can a person DO that?

It is sooo odd, to me as well, that he knew what you had been through, knew how it affected you, and yet he chose to act out in this way. Is he on drugs?!!!? It just doesn't make sense.

no access to computers or technology without you present.

This would be nearly impossible to enforce as he's studying IT. He offered to put a keylogger on the computer, but I'm pretty sure he knows how to get around them, so what would be the point.

Unless I'm mistaken, you used to have a different tagline describing your current husband.

Good memory, Mo2. I used to call him my "Rockstar Hubs". Not anymore.

@MissMouse - R is not on the table nor is it off the table. I want to be ready with my must haves if I get to a place where I think I can go forward with R. However, to even GET to that place, there needs to be a whole lot of other stuff already happening.

@DI - He's not on anything illegal that I know of. He's actually back ON his AD meds as of a couple of days ago. He'd stopped taking them (again) without telling anyone, let alone discussing with his doctor.

Thank you all for your kind thoughts and support.

It helps to not feel so isolated (like I did with XWH).

No one is isolated as long as they have SI. It was very brave of you to post.

You know the drill. Do the best you can and that's all you can do. Welcome to the roller coaster again. Ugh!

(((Gaby)))

I would let the door hit him hard on the ass on his way out.

Aww damn! I'm so sorry!

I don't post a lot but read all the time since 2007.

I'm going through the same thing now except we never were married. Together 5 years. He's out and gone for the last 3 weeks. His choice to continue dating so I threw his ass out. He knew what I went through in my marriage and he was a BS in his marriage.

What the hell is wrong with people.

(((Gaby)))

I used to call him my "Rockstar Hubs"

.....yea, I remember that.

I know what I would like to say, but it would be decidedly unhelpful so I'll just let you know that I'm really sorry about this turn of events.

What a shit sandwich.

I have no words. Your old tag line used to make me smile. I feel sick for you. I am shocked. Honestly shocked. I can only imagine what you're feeling.

IMHO there is no turning back here. I've just read your profile again and I don't see how you have any other choice.

Just... Motherfucker.

I am so sorry.

Jrazz is right - the hitting will need to be another thread for another time. You will feel the impact of it for far longer than his black eye.

For now keep a good hold of yourself and reach out IRL. Your instinct may be to isolate for self-protection but you need support. We all do.

I can't imagine a DD#2 - WH#2 is even more horrifying.

I'm so very, very sorry.

Gaby - I see you are considering R.

I want to ask why?

You need to stop, and look at it from an outsiders perspective.

Why would you want to stay?

What does he give you that makes it worth this level of pain?

Is it fear of the unknown, or being alone that is driving this?

I'm not saying it is, but these are questions every BS needs to consider before they move forward with R.

The fact that he has been doing this for so long under your nose is concerning for his getting R right. Especially if he is minimizing. He should be falling on the floor at your feet sorry right now.

I would urge you to kick him out of the house, and if not out of the house, out of your bedroom for sure. Unfortunately I am afraid this may be one of those tip of the iceberg things.....

Stay strong. We got your back girl.

You're not alone. You have the SI army standing right beside you.

((((Gaby))))

Hello SI,

I'm checking in and updating so I don't give in to my natural urge to isolate myself (and so I dont worry you all).

I slept very little again last night (as was expected). I still haven't eaten, but I'm taking in some water today. I have a raging headache, but I'm at work and functioning. Yay me.

My MIL reached out to me and is being very supportive albeit shocked at her son's behavior. She's also trying to understand "why". Unfortunately, WH is the only one with those answers and so far the only answer he's able to give is "I don't know".

As I told him all weekend, "I don't know" is not an acceptable answer, so don't bother spewing that crap phrase in my direction.

Gaby - I see you are considering R.

I want to ask why?

You need to stop, and look at it from an outsiders perspective.

Why would you want to stay?

What does he give you that makes it worth this level of pain?

Is it fear of the unknown, or being alone that is driving this?

I'm not saying it is, but these are questions every BS needs to consider before they move forward with R.

The fact that he has been doing this for so long under your nose is concerning for his getting R right. Especially if he is minimizing. He should be falling on the floor at your feet sorry right now.

Tushnurse, I'm asking myself the same questions.

There is definitely an internal struggle going on.

Part of it IS fear of the unknown, but I've been there and done that. It was hard, but I survived. Heck, I'd probably be better off this time around since I make a hell of a lot more money and my kids are grown.

Part of me sees the person he WAS before the mental health issues took over our marriage (and his fucked up behaviors came to light). We were great together and he was a person I truly looked up to and admired. That's the person I keep seeing...then he opens his mouth and calls his online dick pics "flirting". I then revert to wanting to slap the teeth out of the back of his head. Minimizing at its best, huh?

Another part is that right now I really am not feeling much of anything other than rage (less now) or just plain nothing. Its almost like I dont really care either way.

For the last few years, I've been in survival mode because of the job loss, mental health, etc.

Survival mode is basically my personal shield. Its how I survived the first time and any time things start to tank. I just "do what has to be done" and worry about the emotions later.

I asked WH why I should stick around after all the crap he's put me through. He couldnt really come up with anything other than "we have the same goals and want the same things in life".

I had to laugh (and with my smart ass mouth) I commented that my goal wasn't to get my dick licked by some CL whore. He just repeated that "he never met anyone face to face", then hung his head.

Here's what I DO know.

I know that I'm fed up with his bad decisions.

I know that I no longer trust WH.

I know that I'm not willing to be the infidelity police in yet another relationship.

I know that I'm not willing to pay for/support someone out of love when that someone is only here for himself (and willing to fuck over everyone else to get what makes HIM feel good).

I need to feel safe, stable, and loved in my relationship. I am feeling none of the above and havent for a long while.

So yeah...why am I here? That's what I'll be working on when the numbness lifts, I guess.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 10:38 AM, July 14th (Monday)]

Remember that you get time, hon. You don't have to make any big decisions right this second.

(((Gaby)))

People dont just wake up one morning and decide, "Hey...you know what would be fun? Posting ads on CL with my dick."

There was a progression that I obviously didn't see. So for him to say that he didn't meet anyone (if that's even true, which I strongly doubt), the INTENT was there.

And if the progression continued/continues, its only a matter of time.

First looking at porn is enough. Then it has to ramp up to videos, then talking/chatting, then when that's not enough, then what?

He obviously doesn't get it.

And thank you all again.

I really DO feel supported and not alone.

Gaby I'm trying to do the math. I'm wondering how long you and your husband have been together? It doesn't seem like it's been for very long if you were married for 18 years the first time.

Part of me sees the person he WAS before the mental health issues took over our marriage (and his fucked up behaviors came to light). We were great together and he was a person I truly looked up to and admired.

Are you remember the person from the beginning of your relationship, during the infatuation stage (which isn't usually the 'real' person) or someone from later on when the infatuation stage ends and reality sets in?

The anger and rage and numbness are your fight/flight/freeze response. Automatically there to protect you. Try eat something and get some self-care going. Easier said than done.

I got nothing that hasn't already been said. But I have a big hug for you and a really, really powerful kick in the stones whenever you need it. You'll be ok. We know that. (((GB)))