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1) She keeps you dangling as her back-up plan (plan b) if OM doesn't work out.

I certainly don't want to be her back up plan...2nd isn't really an option.

That being said even though she says we are over (and not really open minded of coming back at this moment), she might be keeping me as a backup plan......that is messed up and twisted of her (even if it is subconsciously)

[This message edited by MissingHer2 at 4:09 PM, July 21st (Friday)]

If she really want the marriage to end how come she hasn't taken any steps to end it.

Same reasons she comes over to see the dogs every once in a while. You are safety net plan B. She avoids being the bad guy by filing. You get to be the bad guy by filing.

yop

cross posted with you there. yep. plan B and she's avoiding being the bad guy

If the marriage is unsaveable, then contact an attorney to figure out how to get the most money from the marital estate. That might involve not speeding divorce so you can get more pension. And staying quiet at her work so she keeps a higher wage base for spousal support and so that she has an extra incentive to give you favorable terms.

If you want to try saving the marriage, blow up the affair by outing him and her at work by calling Human Resources. See how he responds once there are consequences.

Do you think the OM will pay for my meals too?

I know right?!?

Another question to throw out there.

How long could this affair carry on? 15 year age difference, old fat man. She could be caring for a senior citizen soon. I must admit it is a hit to my ego being a 37 year old male that is rather fit. (of course I know, right now there is no logic to the situation) I have always said my wife is way more book smart than me and that I was way more street smart.......I guess those words were never truer than now.

Already talked to one Lawyer today. Got another one line up for Monday.

How long could this affair carry on?

One thing is for certain, the more the affair is exposed, the more they both face consequences, the more that reality bursts the fantasy bubble, the more the A is likely to die.

The vast majority die off at some point. There are a few exceptions. My father married his AP, but I might add was absolutely miserable for doing so (long story there).

My mother's A was at least 6 years. That's with friends helping her. I did expose that affair but my father did the pick me dance and did not expose the affair further. Until the A was about to become very public then my mother's AP ghosted.

No telling. But being hard on an A is what usually kills it off.

Good on the lawyer stuff!!

yop

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 7:12 PM, July 21st (Friday)]

If you really want to reconcile, the first things you have to do is stop the affair not its tracks. Right now she is living in a fantasy. The fantasy has to be killed. That's done by exposing the affair to the light of day. Talk to her mother. Tell her the truth of what is happening.

Talk to their HR, do your best to get him fired. Yes it will piss her off. Reality always pisses off the cheaters. File for on the grounds of adultery even if it doesn't mean anything in an I fault state. Some even sue the OM. Your attorneys should subpoena her and the OM's social media, personal and business emails, texts etc..

But the important thing is to expose. Playing nice is a 100% losers game.

Playing nice means you may end up with your dogs.

Take care of yourself, work out, get a new hairdo, new sharp clothes, show her how happy you are and how well you can be without her. Never let her see you cry again or beg or even ask her to come back. Hell, buy a 🏍. Just don't tell her about it ,let her see it.

Of course this all sounds counter productive but hey, it's the ONLY thing that might work.

You happily moving on while she is hanging on to short fat and bald is the best tactic. Hopefully, you're on Facebook and you can get some pictures on there of you having fun like buying a motorcycle,out with friends, especially girls etc. you get the idea.

Google how to pick up married women. Your wife was groomed and played. Her ambition left her vulnerable to him. That's why you should check out things with his ex. Pissing him off is exactly what you should do.

Working this right makes him your bitch not the other way around. You have his job in your hands but life takes balls.

Go to amazon now and download the book MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER by Athol Kaye. You will see exactly how you got taken and how to get your respect back from her.

It may not feel like it right now but you are going to be ok, listen to the brain trust here. We have hundreds of years of collective experience and can give you a map as to what to expect her actions to be. I didn't have SI and was surprised at every turn and fell in every hole possible.

Your WW A is so unoriginal; it is almost funny (someday you may laugh, but not today) do the 180, pack her stuff for her and take the dogs to the park on the days she comes to see them.

Once you blow it up and her unicorn stops pooping rainbows and the OM either gets fired or tires of your wife, you will have moved out of infidelity and she will be left holding a bag with nothing in it.

Hang in there, we got your back!

PS Get tested for STDs and advise her to do the same. This ain't her OM first rodeo.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 7:29 PM, July 21st (Friday)]

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=552588&AP=1&HL=

Try going to this thread. If I wrote this down right it's SpaceGhost0007's thread.

Shock and awe works.

[This message edited by Chappie at 7:56 PM, July 21st (Friday)]

No soliciting

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:21 PM, July 21st (Friday)]

Right now you are not helping yourself because you are trying to get her to pick you, not him. I'm sorry but she has already picked him. If you are anything you're second choice. She is feeling secure in the land of rainbows and unicorns. Accept the position that she is gone. There will come a time when she will have reality hit her in the face and she will see what she has lost and that she is stuck with a fat man a lot older than her. See your lawyer and get advice. File for divorce. Have her meet you and tell her that you are no longer willing to live this way and that you want to get everything straight so that you can move back home where you came from. Keep reminding yourself, THIS IS NOT THE WOMAN YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH AND MARRIED. You are fairly young and there are thousands of women that will be delighted to take her place. Consider, just because you love her does not mean she loves you back. Go find someone who will. She can be replaced just as fast as she replaced you. And what you replace her with will be a lot better than someone fat and 15 years older than you. Life is too short to waste it trying to hold on to something that doesn't want to be held on too.

I do wish you well.

"Hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst".

Yes, eliminate the word hope. Eliminate it from your thinking and from your life. Hope has nothing to do with anything. Your wife has cut you out her life, that is a fact. Your wife is in an affair, that is a fact. You never hope your mortgage is paid or that there is gas in the car, you go out and pay your mortgage and gas.

This is no different. Your wife allows you to stay in your own home while she visits the dogs? Zero respect for you whatsoever.

Time to start treating her like the adult she is.

She will never respect you while you allow her to have a boyfriend while you're too scared to upset her. She will never respect you if you don't respect yourself not to put up with a single second more of this behaviour.

You talk about being a fit 37 year old man to a fat old guy? That same old guy walked up right in your house and met you face to face, so what does that say about him and you the guy too scared not to put up with this disrespect?

MH2 - I'm feeling like you're a unicorn around here - a very welcome one. Where is all your resistance and pushback against all the amazing spot on advice you're getting here? Good for you. I tip my cap to you. We've all been there and know how hard it is to hear this sort of advice and yet follow it - rather than spinning one's wheels trying to explain how your cheating spouse is so different from ours.

Plan9 laid it out nicely and others have too, and you're doing great under tough circumstances. Take care of yourself and stay the course. Whatever you do - end the Pick Me dance immediately.

To answer your question about the longevity of your WW's new relationship, who knows? Anything is possible. My serial cheating very XWW also had a hankering for old ugly guys with beer bellies over a fit handsome (if I don't say so myself) guy like myself. Go figure, right? Then again her current not so easy on the eyes BF has around $100M or so in the bank so maybe that got factored into the equation.

Strength brother.

MissingHer2, so how are you this morning?

MissingHer2, so how are you this morning?

Mornings are probably the hardest part of the day....weekends too. Just miss all the things we use to do. Just a few short weeks ago

I have started to put the steps in place....of course it is an ongoing process.

How many of you thought your marriage was a pretty good one like mine and were completed blindsided by the WS. I think this is the part that I struggle with the most.

All of the lying and deceit that has occurred of the last couple of months.... How could it have gone from a good marriage to what it is now?

We really didn't have any problems at all; none that I knew about. So for her to complete turn this around on me saying that she hadn't been happy for a long time but didn't know it until she meant the OM. It is just so hard to wrap my head around.

I know she played her part in the A, but I just believe somehow it turned into a perfect storm for whatever reason. There is just no logic to the entire situation.

I guess I'm just looking for reassurance that all of this has nothing/ or little to do with me. It's hard knowing that she is rewriting the history of our past 11 years in her head to make it seem like it was something that was awful when in reality it was almost all good times.

I've moved forward with the help of all of you...just in the past day.

I guess this post is just one small step back....which I imagine will happen from time to time.

[This message edited by MissingHer2 at 10:01 AM, July 22nd (Saturday)]

MH2, I think most of us thought proir to dday that our marriages were good. I think we thought if it wasnt that our spouses would have said something or there were signs that it wasn't.

In my case my wife she said she was unhappy , but was afraid to say something, I mean WTF? I am not unapproachable. What I found out was my wife is a conflict avoider. In her case (and like many of us) she started to talk about our marriage to someone who was of the opposite sex . One thing led to another and soon enough they were off and running. I wouldnt be surprized if that was the case with your wife. Pretty common actually. In the book "Not Just Friends" the author addresses this.

I think once the line is crosses the Wayward starts rewriting maritial history and then they are convinced they "deserve " better and the OM is more than willing to play that role. The big problem with that mentality is the OM has not had to live up to any of his promises and can say whatever they want. So it appears that the deck is stacked against us. Thats why it is so important to make their fantasy into a reality. Consequences like filing, the 180 and exposure all play part of breaking up that fantasy world they have . My wifes AP threw her under the bus once I exposed him to his wife. Looking back it was pretty funny and my wife couldnt believe the things he was saying about her.

[This message edited by 1survivor at 10:24 AM, July 22nd (Saturday)]

1survivor,

How did your story turn out?

MH2, let me start by saying that none of this has anything to do with you. There very rarely is any logical reasons for a cheater to cheat.

The perfect storm you refer to might simply be a combination of the following: she is career driven and gets her kicks from being in power and with people who are in even higher positions; this POS realised this when he first met her and being an old hand at using his position to lure women at work (his ex too); the attention he gave her fired her up and she eventually became lustful and gave in (simply a flaw in her character).

Now you being on a lower salary grade (unfairly I know) did not have the c0ckbl0ck!ng power to stop him.

That does not make her a good person - in fact, it makes her a very bad person and she has always been this person - the right POS simply hadn't come along yet in the right circumstances. Her being "good" to you and with you during your marriage was simply her being in idling mode until he came along.

Now as to what you should do: see as many lawyers as possible - see the best - because once you meet with them, she cannot use them. Start training yourself to realise what a POS she is too and don't fall for any of that baloney about marriage being bad and not realising it, fearing you may never trust her again etc. If she really wants to reconcile she should be on her knees and snot-nosed begging for forgiveness. Anything less and you should get the hell out of this marriage while showing her that you will be fine without her.

Dont expose until you have the best possible divorce agreement possible - alimony etc. wise. Then once that is signed, sealed and delivered, start with exposing him to the company HR and get him fired. Do this by looking to get some compensation from the company for "alienation of affection" - talk to your lawyers about this. Some lawyers don't like going after this because they have to work hard for a living to make this happen but it does happen many times.

Expose to all and sundry without any regard for her. She is leading you on at the moment and she has no intention what so ever of you being her plan A (actually I don't think you are her plan B either) - she is simply biding her time waiting to dump you.

And DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. Keep a journal of everything she does and says (carry a recorder or VAR on you at all times).

Your happiness is worth more than your "perfect credit record" so don't let this stop you from doing what is right.

In short, protect yourself and dump her in the most profitable and then hard hitting way. She is your enemy at the moment. And work on yourself mentally (the 180) and physically (the gym).

Take care and get moving on this.