SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

MissingHer2 - "I have put the wheels in motion for my exit strategy."

Excellent! You've been using your head in spite of your emotions. That's a big and difficult step.

MissingHer2 - "I have to look out for me now."

Exactly! She has made her choices. Now you have to take care of yourself regardless of what her choices are.

Coming around to the reality of your situation takes immense effort. The folks who've been posting care about you and are focused on getting you through the initial shock fog of what you're experiencing.

I see your posts and know that you're having a difficult time, just as we all have had. But at the same time you're starting to make good choices and taking control back from the cheater who tried to ruin you via her words and actions. I see great things for you if you keep looking toward a new and happy future for yourself. You're making it. I'm excited for you.

Update:

It has been about a month since I last posted. Here is where we are today.

The WW got upset about something that her brother did and blamed me for it. (since I'm the one who called her brother awhile ago) Anyways the next day she went and filed for D. She says that she kinda regrets the decision to do that because it was out of anger and has agreed to slow do the process "to see if things get better between us" her words not mine.

However she didn't regret the decision to file enough to withdraw it. I have since went to my attorney and will file a response and counter suit. I have also had my attorney write up a order of reconciliation. This will put the legal proceedings on hold if she agrees to it. Either of us can start the process right back up if we chose to at anytime.

She still comes and see me every once in a while. The conversations have started to get a little bit better and I believe that she is at least thinking about trying to work this out. Although there still seems to be a lot of talking with the OM.

I still have my exit plan in place (if it works out). I have also changed my behavior towards her and around her over the past couple of weeks. I now let her make all contact and I only answer with short responses. I wish I would have done this sooner as I think it is having an effect on her. (of course I could be wrong)

I'm in a much better place mentally than I was a month ago. The shock is gone and I'll be ok with however this does or doesn't work out.

MH2,

It's good that you have an exit plan. But let me suggest that you change your mindset a bit. Consider this:

Your wife cheated.

She is still in contact with the OM.

She is not remorseful.

She filed for divorce.

That's the reality. Instead of anticipating your marriage could go either way, there should be no doubt where you are headed. Your wife is not even close to R material. If by some miracle she turns around, then you can reconsider at that point; but for now you should be expecting that D is inevitable and working to make that happen as soon as possible.

In other words, this is not an either or situation. She has not given you any reason to think that R is an option. My concern is that with your current mindset, you will be subject to compromising and rug sweeping to avoid a D.

I hope you don't do that.

[This message edited by badmemory at 10:37 AM, August 29th (Tuesday)]

Instead of anticipating your marriage could go either way, there should be no doubt where you are headed. Your wife is not even close to R material. If by some miracle she turns around, then you can reconsider at that point; but for now you should be expecting that D is inevitable and working to make that happen as soon as possible.

Right now I agree with you, no doubt with her current mindset it is headed for D. (currently I also see it is headed that way too) Although I can see the tide turning ever so slightly.

Part of the reason I am trying to slow the D down some is to give my exit plan a chance to play out. If it works out I will be relocating to another state and I don't want to move twice.

I would be lying if I didn't say I hope that "miracle" of her turning around happens. Although, I would still use my exit plan and would hope she would follow me.

Once again I fully expect for this to end in D. But I would love a chance at R even if it didn't work out in the long run.

As long as you've accepted divorce, anything else would merely be a plus.

Stay the 180.

Unfriended me on Facebook.

Ahahaha! Woo!

Says it is over because of that move by me. Still deflecting all of this on me. Says by calling her family I am trying to control her.

What is she ashamed of then?

Speed up the divorce, you do have a good lawyer, don't you. get every damn nickle you can,...and the dogs.

You did call the HR department, right?

The conversations have started to get a little bit better and I believe that she is at least thinking about trying to work this out.

Nope. She's playing games, hoping you settle for less. Step back a few steps and you can see the manipulation going on. The quicker you get out, the better.

Part of the reason I am trying to slow the D down some is to give my exit plan a chance to play out. If it works out I will be relocating to another state and I don't want to move twice.

That's cool. Top priority is to work that exit plan to your advantage.

I would not consider reconciliation until after you have actually divorced, taken a new job and moved away.

If she is worth any effort at all to reconcile, she will give up her job and move to be with you even after D.

Move on with your life as if she were already gone, if she is truly R material then she will prove it.

Before I get flamed for writing this......Yes I know that this is headed for D and I have accepted it (or at least as much as I can at this point)

I completely understand why most people here say D is the best thing for me.

Your wife cheated.

She is still in contact with the OM.

She is not remorseful.

She filed for divorce.

All True

The WW got upset about something that her brother did and blamed me for it.

Brother-in-law sold us his boat in May. I called him exposing the A. He came to visit and unsold us the boat because he is very upset with what his sister did and towed it all the way back home 1000 miles. (he has his own issues, he is a bit of a hoarder, doesn't even use the boat once a year.) Losing the boat caused her to file the next morning. Terrible a 11 year relationship can be lost over a damn boat. (or so the story goes in her head)

More background info: My wife and I built a new house in May of 2016 putting a lot of time and energy in the process. Certainly nothing was wrong then. However once the house was built we currently didn't have any goals or projects we were working on. It really felt like my little piece of the American Dream. (Nice home, nice income, nice cars, etc) We went on vacation, traveled to many sporting events, had a good sex life; we were really each other best friends.

We certainly worked hard to get this point in life.

Never worried ever about my wife cheating on me, nor did she ever worry about me cheating on her. That's what makes all this so hard.

I really feel like all of this was a perfect storm. The OM (15 years older than my wife) Started work at the end of April and for whatever reason my wife didn't see what was happening until it was too late. She got swept up into something that she couldn't get out of....at least not yet. (I know she played her part in it too)

I guess my point with this post is this. This A is still pretty new to her, I would say 3 months tops. Currently it doesn't look like she is willing to give it up.(Although cracks maybe forming....or my reading the situation wrong) Any idea how long something like this last? Anyone with a similar experience?

Once again I know this is currently headed for D and I have my exit plan almost in place.

Most importantly I KNOW I WILL BE FINE WITH OR WITHOUT HER.

Just seeing if anyone can share any positive vibes. Although I probably came to the wrong place looking for them. You all can be rough bunch......but I certainly understand why.

OrdinaryDude,

I was posting the same time as you.

Move on with your life as if she were already gone, if she is truly R material then she will prove it.

That currently is the plan.

I hope that entails following through with the D, using an aggressive lawyer that will go after what you are owed and deserve...do not be merciful in your settlement.

It seems that your WW was helped along by you until she surpassed you career wise, now she has him to help further her career, and she will shed him as soon as it's convenient too...you are both just a means to an end for her, just a couple of rungs on the ladder. She basically used her vagina as a tool to get ahead.

She is a user, nothing more...remember that.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 7:14 PM, August 29th (Tuesday)]

If you want positive vibes, be done with her. The reality of divorce can kill th wayward who has no clue.

If she it's still with OM, you need a plan to get out right now.

I've posted this before, but my favorite memory of my divorce was when I told XWW that all I wanted was half of her 401k.

[This message edited by wonderpets at 6:43 AM, August 30th (Wednesday)]

Oh Missing Her,

My heart breaks for you. You did right by coming here.

My best advice on this situation is to tell you that, as much as it sucks, you cannot control her. You cannot love her back into the relationship. You can't shame her into it. You cannot impose your obviously solid moral values on to here. This problem is HERS not yours. She might figure it out, she might not. But you can't change it either way.

The relationship with the old twice married guy is destined to fail, no matter what happens between the two of you. But that doesn't matter.

What matters is that you need to protect yourself first and foremost. Remember, you cannot control her.

If I were you I'd:

1. Stop pick me dancing and trying to win her back. It doesn't work.

2. See a lawyer, or two or three. If nothing else to assess your situation.

3. Continue giving her space, but add to that start doing things YOU want to do with your life. Maybe plan a trip with some friends. Be scarce, stop talking to her. Let her wonder what YOU are up to.

4. Find yourself a good counselor.

At the end of the day how you proceed is up to YOU, not her. If you can't take her waffling indecision, file for divorce, move out. Let her live with the consequences of her actions. Sometimes that's what it takes with Waywards. Stop allowing her to view you as an "option". You aren't plan B.

For me, seeing OM would be a deal breaker. I wouldn't put up with that for a minute. I wouldn't live under a roof with someone doing that.

Good luck and keep posting. Remember trying to control her and her decisions will lead to heartbreak. Take control of your life. Big Hugs.

Terrible a 11 year relationship can be lost over a damn boat.

You know it's not about the boat. She pissed she's been exposed and probably brought up old issues when the BIL, ( giving him credit for being pissed off at his sister). It was a handy excuse, nothing more.

It really felt like my little piece of the American Dream.

I have no idea what some people think, maybe she realized it wasn't her dream, maybe it was an exit affair, maybe she got bored, maybe she's one of those that gets crazy if she doesn't have a soap opera going on in her life for attention,, who knows.

Carry on, bro. The promised land awaits.

Update:

I don't know where to begin. Like I said in some of my past updates she has filed for D. I have talked to my lawyer and will be submitting my response and counter suit in the next day or two.

We have talked a little bit more as of late although not a ton. She said her plans are to come see me twice a week for the next couple of weeks to see if we will be able to work it out. When she was at the house on Sunday she give me a kiss on the cheek before she left. Normally even a hug was a struggle for her.

All that being said I am pretty certain she is currently living we the OM.

Is she just playing with me? Giving me false hope that she may want to try R? Is she still conflicted?

Until you have a remorseful WW in front of you there is really nothing to work with. She seems to be just playing you, especially if she is still with the piece of shit.

Here are signs you have a remorseful WW

- She would be inconsolable with the thought of how she was the cause of so much pain to the person she loves most in the world.

- she would be begging to know what she could do to make it right.

- for you she would want to let everyone know it was her that screwed up, not you.

- she would want to read books on how to support her BS. She proactively orders them and starts reading. She actively discussed what she is reading

- she would be in IC as much as possible to figure out what went wrong with her and how she could do this to the person she loves most in the world. She proactively schedules this for herself and also proactively asks her therapist for IC recommendations for you to help you deal with the pain she has caused.

- she would feel your pain more than her own and put your happiness ahead of hers.

- she will gladly answer your questions at any time day or night with no objections

- she would write you a letter of apology highlighting how she must have made you feel

- she would focus most on your well being, ignoring her own

- she would realize what the OM really is and start being sick at the thought of him/her. She would start calling him/her names like POS for how he helped her destroy her life.

- They show remorse thru actions, not words. Examples of this could be that they proactively prepared a written timeline of what happened and are as thorough and factual as they can be.

- Other examples are: They book a polygraph when you are available to attend. And they buy a GPS tracker for their car so they can give you peace of mind. They sell something of value to only them to pay for these things so the cost doesn't come from your joint funds (e.g. Collectibles or jewelry or exercise equipment).

If they are only showing Regret and not Remorse then they will only be giving you words, not actions: e.g. "I'm so sorry. But you can trust me now. I promise you I've told you the whole truth: e.g. "You can trust me now. I love you. It didn't mean anything. I know I messed up - do you forgive me? I was so stupid, but I've learned from my mistakes. It's in the past now and we can move forward. I love you more now than I ever have. I promise it will never happen again, can we move on?"

Finally. THE EFFORT PUT INTO RECONCILIATION! If the betrayer doesn't work harder at repairing the relationship than they did to damage it, it isn't going to work no matter if you stay together or not. They need to be working harder at R than you are.

In addition to my comments above I would say:

- ensure you are reading the 180 daily and implentig it

- move forward with the D.

- tell her "we have nothing to discuss about our relationship while you are still with the POS. Our lawyers can finalize things in the meantime"

- are you in IC to work through the pain she has caused?

MH2

On the off chance that she is finding life with the AP less than satisfactory and is now feeling out if you are a viable plan B, remain detached. You don't want to cede any control to her.

Unless she's at the point of breaking and exhibiting the behaviors I describe above, she will just be playing you.

Best to continue down the path toward freedom from infidelity than to be tricked again by an unremorseful WS.

Does a WW ever come back after moving in with the OM? Or try to come back?

Not that I'm expecting it.

Yes it happens all the time. Sometimes it works, sometimes the parties go into limbo until there is a second AP. Sometimes it falls apart right away. Other times it gets better after a fail. There are stories like this all over the board. The latest is dostl

They come back all of the time. A benefit of the 180 is that if that happens you have gotten your head into a place where it is removed from the emotions of the A and thinking clearly about what you want for your life. You can then take that opportunity to decide whether giving them a spot in your life again is a good idea in a much more rational way. Keep up with what you are doing and if it happens you will feel much better about deciding what you want to do if that happens.