SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Adultery is illegal in IL, but most people never really sue for it because everyone is a damn cheater these days.

And because it typically doesn't have a material impact on the divorce settlement while it does end up putting a lot of extra money into the lawyer's pockets. However, for some who can afford it, having the affair become part of a public record and increasing the WS's legal bill too is seen as worthwhile. Consult your lawyer to get input.

You should also ask about whether anything that your WH is doing could be helpful in court and/or suggests that you need to take some specific steps right away. The adultery coupled with changing accounts, switching locks, kicking you out of the bedroom and antagonizing you during your time with friends certainly won't put him in a good light with a judge. Whether that would be sufficient to win a request for exclusive use of the home or if you could make a case that you needed to leave over safety concerns and ask for financial damages is something your lawyer is in the best position to answer.

If you are concerned about your safety given your husband's actions, that takes precedence over everything else. At an absolute minimum, I'd encourage you to implement the 180 immediately as his power to manipulate you is linked to your willingness to engage with him.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 10:00 AM, December 31st (Monday)]

I’m struggling hard today....

Had another nightmare. This time it was about him texting me after a home “inspection” or some sort of “appraisal” with the details. He proceeds to text me saying the inspector shared a video with him of his kids and was talking about how Father’s Day will be kick ass this year and how he long he’s been with his wife, loves her, etc. my husband follows up with a text saying he hopes that one day I find someone who loves me like that and to settle down & start a family with. I dropped to my knees and started to cry/sob so loud I started to throw up. - END of DREAM.

Needless to say I woke up @ 4am in actual tears and felt panic. I feel like some days I’m ok, then at times it’s almost unbearable. The rollercoaster of emotions is crazy. Sometime I feel crazy.

@twisted - there is a part of me that really wants him to know his “best friend” is s snake and had started giving me behind the scenes detail and made a pass at me. Then I stop at thing what are the odds that my husband knows already and had been working together (plot twist). But, I don’t see why that would be. I never shared info with him...

@Freeme - it really feels like he wants to make me angry and more hurt but I just don’t get it with all the damage he has already done. I don’t know anything about the OW baby daddy unfortunately, even with my extensive googling :( I feel like I should get a police escort to come with me next time I go to the house.

@ShutterHappy - It honestly helps to be constantly reminded of this because one of the last things my husband said to me in an email response was I “try to use words to convince myself this is all his doing”. I’m not perfect, but there was nothing I did or didn’t do that to me is grounds for cheating and divorce. He himself said I was “an amazing wife”.

These are his “reasons” for falling out of love & wanting a divorce:

1. Lack of enthusiasm for work relocation (he said I deflated him by not being enthusiastic about potential job openings in other states). He hated that I immediately had so many questions vs. just being cheerful about it. But, he knows I would follow him to the moon if I had to...I just wanted to know details around what life would look like if we moved right now (was about to start trying to have a family and it was terrifying to me to do that away from any support system/friends/family + I have a good job working in the field I got my degree in and wanted to continue that, so I would also have to figure out my career.

2. He really wanted kids before we got married (aka 2 years ago). We agreed to wait until marriage, but we started to vacation/travel more, so he felt like his “desires” were put on the back burner so he “lost interest” in kids. Mind you, we had already agreed to start Dec 2018 yet he chose to harbor resentment from not doing it sooner. I questioned why he would put on a mask and pretend like we were on the same page and he wasn’t. I’m all in Pinterest boards and everything!

3. He didn’t like that I had the “travel bug” again saying he felt like this took precedence over other things like buying a new house, kids, etc. He was hoping that after our first trip to Europe I would “take a break”. I love traveling and am finally in a financial and mental space to do so (no kids, not dealing with illnesses and deaths in the family, young, etc.) Everyone we talk to or that sees us always commended us for “doing it the right way and not to rush”. I actually plan ALL of the details and book all of our trips/pre-planned activities. All he had to do is provide money (we still split everything on top of this) and show up to have a good time which he does. I told him it’s not fair for him to want to stifle what I enjoy when I never have asked him to “cut back” on what he enjoys: electronics. He is the I’ll wake up @3am to pre-order the new iPhone type of guy. I love deals & bargains so honestly a lot of flights have been cheaper than what he spent on the latest iPad. We never accumulated any debt from trips either.

4. A new house. He felt like because we were traveling and doing other things, we couldn’t give this the laser focus he wanted. Mind you, we previously agreed to save a certain amount by EOY. We surpassed that in Oct. I mention this to him and he says we could’ve done more if we didn’t go to Dubai and he also “lost interest”. Side note, we don’t truly NEED a new house, he just wanted a new one to “upgrade”.

5. Sex - the only discussion we had around this several months ago was around the frequency and how he felt like we were getting into that “married rut”. Once we had that convo, we immediately began to change it. Once I found out he was cheating, he says he knows that it was frequent, but now “it just feels like the same all the time” I’ve never been opposed to spicing it up but he has never been vocal about wanting to try to do something specific either. It’s like I couldn’t win. Then he says he has secret hidden desires that he felt like he couldn’t try with me bc I would question where he got it from....this is literally said AFTER I find out he has been having the affair. No shit Sherlock you got them from her!!!! It’s like all of a sudden I’m not enough once he found something new

Sorry for the long post. These are the topics that replay over & over in my head. At the end, he says he is “too far gone”. What was the point of even giving this list if that was the case. He has also said things like he “just wants to explore life being single” and told his family he has been “unhappy” trying to downplay that it’s really this OW he wants.

[This message edited by brokenbride8 at 10:50 AM, December 31st (Monday)]

Two things about wayward spouses are -

1) They say ignorant things that are beyond absurd.

2) They behave in an idiotic fashion or they may simply be idiots.

Please consider the following syggestions:

Believe nothing he says and only about 50% of what you see.

Do not participate in his crazy making. Start detaching and take care of yourself.

There are techniques to deal with mind movies and intrusive thoughts. Time, practice, and experienced members here helped me. I/we will get you information to help you.

The dreams are your subconscious processing the trauma. It helped me to know this was going on. It is sort of like in your youth being scared by a clown on Halloween then dreaming about scary figures or clowns.

You are on the emotional roller coaster. We have rode it and some of us are still on it. It will get better....much better from my personal experience.

We will be with you on your journey out of infidelity.

Brokenbride

I’m so sorry for you. I don’t have any magical words for you but here are a few I hope can help you.

Stop listening to his stupid ridiculous excuses for “why”. Any of his “reasons” were able to be resolved with a discussion. He is using everything that did not go his way to have an excuse to justify his choice to cheat.

Stop allowing him to blame you. Period.

And lastly stop trying to make sense if any of it. It will make you become even more unbalanced - just understand he made his choice to cheat. Because he wanted to cheat.

Sweetie - the amount of mental energy it requires to sort through their justifications and lies is absolutely exhausting. You are in the thick of the "bewildered days". One day you are the dream couple - the next you are married to a cruel stranger. Everything familiar in your life has become a hologram. What is real and what is fake? When did the marriage change from what you thought is was into what it is now? Oh - the looping and painful mindfuck.

As I read through your beautifully written and reasoned argument for each of his ridiculous bullshit excuses, it became clearer and clearer that this horrible man does not deserve any more of your emotional capital.

I think the nightmares are directly associated with how urgently your mind is trying to sort out this perplexing new reality. Our brains were designed to solve problems and you have never faced a problem of this magnitude before and the suffering is unbearable. As impossible as it sounds, you need to foster some moments of peace. If your weather permits, it is always helpful to be outside. I walked and hiked hundreds of miles just to still my rolling thoughts.

I know everything is a trigger now and even possible coping strategies are fraught with agony. Your heart is shattered. I am so sorry. Please know that these days when you do not know up from down are finite. Please know that you are already walking toward healing. Please know that your SI family is walking at your side.

He just does not want to be married. Period. The fact that he discarded you so easily makes me wonder if he has NPD. That is a hallmark of this PD to idealize(idolize), devalue, discard.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 1:14 PM, December 31st (Monday)]

His excuses are lame at best. He contradicts himself over and over (wanting more commitment:house, kids and less commitment: Move without thinking about it... You were a wonderful wife. He was happily married to you. You did everything right, waited to have children after the wedding and finances were stable. It boils downs to the fact that he would have to give up OW and he didn't want to do that.

You can't make sense out of his excuses because he was grasping at straws. His excuses are his way of throwing you and everyone off of the real reason. His affair.

Something is going on with them that they don't want the fact that they are having an affair to get out. I don't know if it has to do with the baby daddy or work or something else. His uncles, male friends don't seem to think cheating is that big of a deal so it's not HIS reputation he is protecting.

brokenbride8,

I agree with The1stWife and the self-rescuer, they are spot on, reread their post again.

What I’m trying to convey to you is a mindset. What you need to read from his email is... I cheated because of stuff, stuff stuff, etc...

Let’s pretend he didn’t cheat but you had only marital problems. Then your responses, as a spouse would make sense. Faithful spouse argue, then discuss, then they find a middle ground, a compromise, and life goes on.

But your WH cheated, he broke his vows, he broke the marriage, he hurt you badly. So from that point on, he’s saying excuses [stuff stuff stuff].

Your response should be “I’m sorry you feel that way. I hope that you, your GF, her kids and her BF have a great life together. If you want to talk again, here’s my lawyer email”. Then no contact.

Try to detach, go to Paris for two weeks with a friend or a family member, have fun and try to forget about wha’s-his-name-again? He’s not worthed.

Hang in there! It will get better.

@Ripped62 - I really wish I could somehow control the dreams. I sometimes dread going to bed knowing that my thoughts will start to take over....Thank you so much for your support.

@The1stWife - I’m in a better space right now in regard to protecting myself from the blame game. You’re so right...he simply just wanted to cheat and can’t own up to it. No remorse, just excuse after “reason” after excuse.

@self-rescuer - You just described it perfectly! All of this happened 2 days after we got back from a fabulous vacation in which we were intimate every day. We had plans for the rest of the year and plans into the new year. I just don’t get it. Power couple to being treated like nothing in a matter of a couple months. I really wish I felt better going into the new year but this tragedy is just getting started it seems :( I really appreciate your words of advice and support.

@Cooley2here - This kills me. It makes me wonder what exactly did the concept of marriage present to him that made him all of a sudden feel like he didn’t want to be married when we’ve been together for 10+ years. I truly wonder if he does have NPD after researching some of the symptoms. Guess I’ll just never know.

@Freeme - As silly as it sounds, I keep telling ppl his “reasons” of what he claims made him fall out of love because I feel like I need to validate I’m not crazy and this isn’t my fault. I keep finding ways to slice and dice it like if I had of been more spontaneous, etc. Sounds pathetic I know. He is definitely in a circle of men who see nothing wrong. Heartbreaking.

@ShutterHappy - “Faithful spouse argue, then discuss, then they find a middle ground, a compromise, and life goes on” <<<<< THIS!!!! Exactly!!! That sounds normal. This whole situation is just erratic and irrational. I’ve detached from him physically (as in being around him, the house, no text, calls, etc.), but detaching mentally is the biggest struggle. It feels like nothing holds my attention long enough or makes me happy long enough to forget the grief and how awful he has been. Everything feels like a fleeting distraction and that’s it.

No time is a good time, but I feel like having to immediately have my “firsts” without him back to back (Thanksgiving, Christmas, NYE, Birthday in a week, Valentines Day,etc.) is tough in itself. First holidays and birthday without him around in 12 years. No flowers or special dinner date on my birthday...I have friends and family who have been working overtime to support me and trying to fill my time but the hole in my heart is just so big...

but the hole in my heart is just so big...

Oh honey, we know you heart is broken. And the heartbreak of betrayal is especially brutal.

You are a loving human who attached forever to your mate. You attached to his family. You fostered his attachment to your circle as well. It is what healthy and whole people do when the commit to their beloved.

But he is not healthy and whole nor is he loving. Honestly, I question his attachment to his schmoopie given his self serving nature.

He is in for an eventual reckoning - just what his shallow soul deserves.

You my dear will be miles ahead and full-on into your new a wonderful life.

I've been on these boards a while but I don't believe I've ever speculated on the outcome for the cheater before. I typically don't give them enough credence to even guess at their future but your husband is just so heartless and mean with such a malicious agenda - well I can't help but wish him a life of the karma he's earned.

You've only been married for 2 years so you will not get alimony. As far as assets split probably what you came into the marriage with. Not much more.

So In reality you don't have any financing or child support to lose.

I'm not in favor of full blown exposure but in this case I would expose to his work, family and friends.

You don't have a damn thing to lose.

[This message edited by Marz at 7:21 PM, December 31st (Monday)]

No time is a good time, but I feel like having to immediately have my “firsts” without him back to back (Thanksgiving, Christmas, NYE, Birthday in a week, Valentines Day,etc.) is tough in itself. First holidays and birthday without him around in 12 years. No flowers or special dinner date on my birthday...I have friends and family who have been working overtime to support me and trying to fill my time but the hole in my heart is just so big...

Boy do I know this feeling, and I'm so sorry you're going through this. My exWW told me she wanted a divorce just a few days after my birthday, and then DDay happened just before our sixth anniversary, which was itself just before Thanksgiving. Having to face what had always been my absolute favorite time of the year alone with an unrepentant cheating spouse who had just wrecked my life and was off gallivanting around with her AP and making wedding plans with him was without question the most painful, miserable, hopeless period of my life and I cannot imagine going through anything worse.

But...I can promise you that you will heal in time. That the hole in your heart will be filled. That the nightmares will become less and less frequent and that you'll be able to sleep peacefully again. That you'll be able to get through your days without constantly fighting the urge to break down crying because you can't stop thinking about what your WH has turned your life into. I know it seems impossible that things will ever get better because you're in so much pain, but I promise you they will. You're going to get through this.

Your WH gets a promotion. Head swells. He feels compelled to socialize and goes to cocktail hours and is feeling especially important because now he is being noticed.

Hot looking, older, venomous black widow spider women with two kids ego strokes his penis. WH is trapped in her web of lies and fantasies.There is no way out. In his mind, she's the real deal, and so it seems.

The truth is his world is about to come crashing down. RUN! Get out of that dysfunctuonal marriage as fast as you can! Your eye's have been opened to the truth of who he really is. You are seeing his true colors, a weak and poor excuse of a man who has no morals, values or regard for his wives feelings.

Count your blessings. You are still young, have no children and have your life ahead of you!

Find someone who can respect the person you are. Your husband doesn't.

I’m devastated. I just don’t know when I will get to the anger part because I’m stuck swinging back and forth between sadness and pure shock. After everything that went down a couple of days ago it’s best for my sanity and safety to be away from him...

I go to the house today to grab some of my stuff and my husband literally moved every single belonging or thing that has me attached to it to the front room. He left a post it note on our bedroom door which he locked himself in while I was there that says “All of your things are in the front room. I tried to make it comfortable. I want this to be as peaceful as possible. If there is anything I missed let me know.” All of a sudden he wants this to be peaceful when he has been so damn petty and cruel this entire time!

What nerve!!! For him to even touch my belongings and try to isolate me to one part of the house like I’m a child. I can’t wrap my mind around how this man was the love of my life for 12 years then all of a sudden he treats me like I did this to us!!! It’s literally mind blowing.

@Hurtmyheart - that sounds like the story right there!! If someone had a gun to my head and asked if I would be with my husband forever, I would’ve said yes with the upmost confidence. Tragic...

Side note: I finally cut off the “snake”. Told him my husband is the devil and he’s a demon so I got to cut him loose. He sends back some crap about wishing the best for me. Then of course is the first person to text me Happy New Year at the stroke of midnight. No response from me. Although...I still have this urge to expose him to my husband, but at this point he probably wouldn’t care

Also, I realized that once I became married a lot of my social circle and even social media followers are in relationships, married, engaged or starting families. It of course didn’t bother me until this, but now it’s like it’s torture and I don’t belong

[This message edited by brokenbride8 at 5:04 PM, January 1st (Tuesday)]

BB8, I'm very sorry for what you are going through.

The absolute best advice for your mental health is the complete 180.

I mean, complete.

Don't react, don't try to figure out why he is saying/doing what he is doing. Focus only on yourself as much as possible. Make sure you do absolutely nothing for him. The food you buy, the laundry you do, everything...

If he asks you a question: crickets. If he criticizes you: crickets. If he tells you to stop talking to his family: crickets. If he emails you: crickets. If he texts you: crickets. If you need to tell him something, have it go through your lawyer if at all possible. If not, make sure it is written communication so you have a record of it. And make sure it is absolutely necessary before you send it. Try to keep a streak going for how long you've gone without giving him any feedback or attention. Truly, although it is hard, try to focus your attention on yourself and the people you love.

Nothing you try to tell him will give you the satisfaction or the closure you are looking for. It will only add to the pain. I have been there. It's hard to do, but it works. I promise.

I know your heart is broken. I know the pain you are going through. I absolutely know that his world is about to come crashing down around him and you want to be as far away emotionally as possible.

Your lawyer of course will have the best advice on what to do about the material stuff.

Also, I realized that once I became married a lot of my social circle and even social media followers are in relationships, married, engaged or starting families. It of course didn’t bother me until this, but now it’s like it’s torture and I don’t belong

Yes, I’ve been there. It’s the extra kick in the teeth after the original kick to the gut. You’ve done nothing wrong, and yet it feels like you’re the one who gets punished. Try watching 90s sitcoms like Seinfeld and Friends (the earlier seasons) where everyone is single and loving it. There are pluses to being single in your 30s, but they can be hard to see when everyone around you is coupled. Ever think about moving to a cool city? Joining the peace corps? Ever fantasized about what you would have done if you hadn’t been coupled so early in your life? Now’s the time ❤️

brokenbride8:

Your WH actually locked himself in the bedroom when you came to get your things? Really? What was he afraid of? He certainly is a coward, but that’s just my take on it.

As hard as it is on you right now, I think with time as you reflect back on his actions you will see what a blessing he has given you to separate from him. I know you are seeing friends and peers as couples and starting families, but from this outsider’s perspective, having a family with him would have been miserable for you. You have been with him as a couple almost all of your adult life. It will be an adjustment. But I think as you move forward you will find a much better partner and it will not take that long. You seem smart, well adjusted and successful thus far in your career. I am sorry you have to go through this, but many times one door opens when one door closes. Keep your head up. Good luck.

BrokenB

Do you have legal representation?

Are you totally 100% in the know of your rights and obligations?

Divorce is IMHO too seriously to be done on the cheap. You want to make sure that 12-18-24 months from now some collection agency won’t ring you due to his cc debt or the financed Mazda or whatever…

Plus you want as much of the assets as possible.

@Harriet - I don’t think he will be reaching out to me anytime soon. At least there’s no real reason to...I am staying with my parents to get out of the toxic environment and plan to only communicate if absolutely necessary which honestly shouldn’t happen given we don’t have kids. Anytime he says something to me it makes me upset and sends me back down sadness lane anyway. Thank you for the support. Long road ahead and sometimes I can’t see the forest for the trees.

@WS is an Addict - I honestly haven’t thought about something that just includes me in a long time. 2019 was supposed to be “our year” so naturally I was consumed with plans for that (new house, pregnancy, etc). I’m not going to lie, I’m terrified of being single and entering the dating world. I have some friends who talk about it being so hard, etc etc and I just am not excited at all to be forced into it. I trusted my husband so much and he was so good at hiding his indiscretions to a point where they were literally undetected and I like to think I’m pretty intuitive. Guess love is blind too...

@fareast - yes!! That’s part of the weird, erratic behavior I was talking about. My only guess is he assumed my dad would be with me when I came back and he wasn’t. I’m still trying to understand why he seems to resent him the most. Coward is a fact. I put our marriage on such a pedestal and bragged about my husband out of love. We virtually never argued and laughed every day. Going from that to this state also brings feelings of embarrassment. I know I shouldn’t care what ppl think, but man was I wrong about him and the world will soon know.

@Bigger - I do have an attorney now. Papers have not be received from my husband filing yet, but I’m assuming the holidays created a lag. My attorney says my husband chose a really big company, so our case might be “small potatoes” for them (no kids, only married 2 years, etc.)

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get to the angry stage. I’ve been living in the denial, shock and sadness arena for some time.

Does infidelity factor in your state in divorce?

I seldom encourage creating drama. Fact is with such a short marriage chances are it will be quite simple. Possibly the long relationship prior to marriage might get you some benefits. What I am thinking though is IF infidelity factors in divorce then MAYBE ask your attorney if the threat of applying infidelity would strengthen your negotiating-status.

Things like naming OW in some documentation as a possible witness, subpoena their place of employment for e-mails and calendars and such… Sometimes the threat itself might be enough to – say – get your not-soon-enough-ex-husband to share more of his savings.