SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

do you have parents, family members who could help?

Unfortunately not really... I'm originally from Europe so don't really have any family here except for my sister, who has 4 kids with a 5th kid on the way, plus an alcoholic husband. Needless to say she has enough on her plate as it is. All my friends have families of their own and no extra room for me and the kids. I just have to pray the mortgage doesn't fall through. I don't know if a shelter would even take me since I have money in the bank and a full time job with a decent salary. Good news is STBXWH is working Saturday so I'm going to be able to get everything done while he's at work!

Do NOT put a downpayment on the house or make any bigger type purchases until you speak with a lawyer.

Doing so before separation could possibly make it a marital asset even though he never paid a dime.

You really need to file that police report before more time passes. They are going to want to know why you waited if you are actually afraid of him.

The reason you are seeing a change in him is that you are pretty much grey rocking/180ing him. If you haven't looked up the 180 yet, do so. It should be in the healing library. Stay strong.

[This message edited by RubixCubed at 7:58 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]

Rubix is right! Talk to a lawyer before making any move with the house.

And is there a HS or college student you can hire to pick up the kids and take them out for fast food or to the park for a couple hours? That way you can make that police report and talk to the lawyer etc. more freely. There are all sorts of services providing temp workers for almost any need. I know you are trying to save money but right now you need time to get your ducks in a row so it would be a good investment. Tell WS you are going to the gym or to a book club or other activity. Do not have the caregiver be alone in the house, however, even if he is not home, as you do not want to potentially expose someone to his volatility.

whenever my kids were driving me crazy and I just needed a bit of quiet time, I'd tell them "Mommy is going into "quiet time out" for 15 to 20 minutes, so please keep up with the time and when that time is up, we can chat some more. It worked - I got to let my ears rest, I was able to regroup and deal with everyday strife.

Sometimes kids sense things are going on and in their innocent way, and her continually chatting with you may be her way of dealing with everything going on.

Yay for working on Saturday! I'd be up as soon as his car hit the road. Good luck

So the good thing is that on Saturday I won't have the older 2, only the baby, and if I can't get a sitter I can just take him with me to do everything I have to do. I'm gonna try to leave work a bit early today though and try to at least get the report filed. Tomorrow I'll be able to talk to the hotline and get everything else prepared. Still waiting on a lawyer to call me back, I'm going to call some more today.

I think he's starting to get freaked out by my new attitude. It's making me a bit nervous because I'm not sure if he could get desperate and act out. Last night he barged in the bedroom a couple of times. The first time he was pretending to get his medication, which I know he has downstairs so it was unnecessary, then he came next to the bed to grab some old Gatorade that was sitting on his night stand for like a week. There's no way he actually wanted that Gatorade. I jumped when he first came in and he asked "Why are you hiding up here?" I didn't say anything and he left. Then he came back in about a half hour later to get pillows, even though he's been using the couch pillows all week, and saw I was holding my phone and said flippantly " What are you doing, talking to your new boyfriend?" Once again I ignored him and he went back downstairs. Then this morning he brought the baby in the room way before the time I usually get him up. I still had to shower so I asked him why he did that and he said the baby was babbling in his crib. I was like so what, he was fine and wasn't crying, you know I have to get showered and now I can't because I have to give him his bottle so it'll make me late for work. He said he was trying to "help" me, and I was like "How are you helping me by preventing me from taking a shower and getting ready for work??" He obviously did it on purpose just to get a reaction out of me, since he hasn't been able to get a reaction any other way. He refused to stay with him while I showered, saying he had to leave for work and I should've gotten up on time so it's my own fault. But I was up at the same time I usually am, so he was clearly just talking crap to get me upset.

Have any of you ever gone grey rock with an abusive cheater? I'm not sure what else to expect. He hasn't threatened to leave since Monday night, probably because he can sense I'll just be like "K bye, don't let the door hit your ass on the way out!"

I wish he would just go, because if he thinks breaking up was his idea then he'll leave me alone.

He has no intention on leaving, sweetie; he just wanted to get a reaction from you.

Tread carefully...he could become unhinged at any time. Hoping you can find somewhere to go or talk to the lawyer about having him leave - file for exclusive use of the house.

Yea I'm seeing that now, it was just him attempting to bully me so I'd get back in line. Now his tactic has backfired and he's trying to get some control back. If he was really done with me, he wouldn't be doing this manipulative attention seeking bullshit he's doing. He would just find an apartment and be gone. He has no clue what I'm thinking or planning and he doesn't like that at all.

Please listen to me.

You will have someone to love

You will have someone who loves you

You will have someone to be a loving father to your child

You will have respect

You will not have to live in questioning doubt

You will not have to live with stress or fear

You will have the family life you dream of

His anger has overruled him.

The words of if only you hadn't xyz, things you do are wrong, you better not come here...leave me alone....I'm done....your fault....don't question...don't annoy me.

Let him be. He wants something different than you want. This is important nothing you do or say will get him to be different

He is choosing to be this person. That person is not giving health and happiness to you and the child. Maybe someday he's different. But for now he's not. He's not wanting to change now.

It's about humility not hostility. Which is he?

It's hard to see the person you care for behave in a hurtful way. Please listen

You cannot wait for him to change

He has laid his hands on you. Aggression. Angry words. All your fault, nothing of him. He is not ready to be the loving person you need.

You are worth more . You are deserving of the life that makes you happy. Your life is precious. Please don't fear change. Fear. So powerful. Change is intimidating. You need not be intimidated. Not by change. Not by fear. Not by him. You are enough. My cousin told me years later why didn't her mom leave the man who yelled and hit her ( later the kids too ) The kids self esteem battered by this brutes angry words.

Do not fear. You are going to better things. He wants his anger. He has made his choice already.

I hope your day today is going well. At some point WH is going to confront you about doing the 180, so you might think about rehearsing something to say, even if is it just: “right now the only subject I can engage on with you is the kids.”

So now he's trying to force me to talk about what happened on Monday night and asking what I want to do. I told him I don't want to talk about it. He asked if I'm just waiting it out till settlement. I just keep saying I'm not ready to talk about anything and I came upstairs to get away from him. Obviously I can't be honest with him that I'm done and want a divorce. I'm pretty much trying to hold out until I have enough money put aside to make sure me and my kids are ok. I think he's just going to keep trying to force answers out of me though. Any ideas? I'm calling the hotline tomorrow and hoping they'll have some tips for me, but I have to get through tonight. Do I just keep saying I'm not ready to talk and he can just do what he wants with that?

If it were me, I'd sit down and ask him what he wants to say about what happened, since he seems to want to talk about it. And I would stay silent. I'd tell him I am not ready to talk about it, but I'd be willing to hear what he has to say. Not because he deserves to be heard, but so I could get an idea as to what he is thinking.

That he hasn't apologized speaks volumes.

Tell him the only subject you can engage with him on now is the kids. Do not say another word. Do not show emotion. Do not complain. Just repeat that as needed. But have your phone ready to audio/video any exchange from the very first moment.

When he was asking me to talk about it he said what happened that night was "ridiculous". Of course he means MY behavior was ridiculous, not the fact that he slapped me and acted like a maniac. So I have zero interest in anything he has to say about it. Even if I agreed to talk to him, he would just berate me for how wrong I was and make excuses for what he did. He's upstairs now putting the baby to bed, but before he went up he was trying to make casual conversation with me, and I didn't say anything back except one word answers. I feel like I have no love for him whatsoever anymore. Is it possible I could just stop loving him this quickly? I feel totally cold towards him. I don't think there's anything he could ever do that would make me want to be with him again. I've felt like this ever since the initial shock wore off. I'm hoping that once he sees I'm not interested anymore, he'll decide to move on and leave on his own. I'd rather him believe this was all his decision. It will make my life much easier in the long run.

You are in self protection mode. I am happy you are not hopelessly in love with an abusive man. He sees something has changed.

So I called the hotline this morning literally the minute I saw his car pull away. She gave me some phone numbers for shelters as well as free legal advice. I tried to call the shelter closest to me but no one is answering the phone so I'm going to try again later this morning. The other ones are really far away so not the best choice. I just need to make sure I have somewhere to go with the kids in case of emergency. The legal aid place is closed for the weekend so I'll have to try that on Monday, but if they don't help me I'll just have to wait for a consultation with a lawyer. The hotline advised me to call the non emergency line to ask about filing the police report, so I called that after I hung up and the police officer said that I could come in today to file the report without any worry about my husband being notified about it. They said I could then file an emergency protection from abuse order if he gets aggressive again. I'm going to get more info from them when I go over there later this morning.

STBX didn't bother me at all last night. He slept on the couch like usual and this morning before he left he came in the bedroom briefly but didn't say anything to me. The hotline said if he tries to force me to talk about what happened I should just continue saying I'm not ready to talk yet, and if he gets aggressive call 911. So that's the plan for now. I'll update later after I file the police report.

Thank you all so much for being here for me through this. If not for you guys, I'd still be blaming myself for his cheating and abuse and would probably have already swept it under the rug the way he wants me to. You all opened my eyes and showed me it's truly not my fault in any way. I'm so grateful to have found this site.

Good morning! I am glad you have a window of time now to put things in motion. The coldness you are now feeling will help you move forward decisively, but prepare for the likelihood of a real roller coaster at some point. The human psyche is complex and you did love and marry this man. And you have not yet had IC to help you really understand why you picked and stayed with an emotionally abusive man. If those feelings come it will be easier if you are not taken by surprise.

SI is at its best when a crisis like your is unfolding and when a poster knows what they want to do, so you will get lots of support today!

Thanks for the update. Keeping you in my thoughts.

F1

Lp, you're doing great. You've got this!

Lp

This is beyond infidelity. He has been an abusive spouse and you should have ditched his ass a long time ago. I feel sorry that you had to waste time with him for so long until the betrayal. There is nothing wrong with you. You did not make him the sorry excuse of a person he is. And you definitely did not cause him to cheat. He would have done this in any relationship. Going forward, please remember that.