SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Beachwalker

How is it going with your wife?

Did she leave you or came back asking for forgiveness?

My wife responded with remorse and cooperation. I have access to all her accounts and phone. She is seeking IC and has apologized multiple times for what she has done. She has a long way to go to be considered “healed”, but she is working on it.

This is why I gave you the advice I did. Your wife is exactly opposite of mine. Your wife shows no remorse, refuses to grant you access to her accounts and phone, and even invites the OM into your bedroom. SHE does not want to continue the relationship, and for you to try to repair it is a waste of time and energy. Since your wife is acting opposite of mine, you need to act opposite of me. It takes two functioning adults to make a marriage work, and your wife is far from “functioning”. She is running full speed after her dream in the sky. Let her run! You go the opposite direction! IF she has any love for you, she’ll be back, but from what you have told us so far, I think that highly unlikely in the near future.

You are capable of deep love and commitment, she is throwing that away. What a selfish, immature thing to do! YOU deserve a better woman. YOU are getting burned and are being used. She is acting like the harlot in Proverbs who seeks men just to destroy them. I am VERY sad for you because my wife treated me that way. It hurts deep, and it will hurt for a long time. (Sorry to tell you that, but it is true. You might as well know the truth and buckle up for it.) If she showed signs of remorse, I’d give you different advice. If she was sorry, was hugging you, letting you see her phone, etc., I’d think you have a chance at R. But from what I’ve read so far, you are polar opposite from this outcome. I’m truly sorry, but I advise you to cut and run. Push back every chance you get. She seems to be filled with hate and revenge, for what? Who knows?! Don’t wait around for her to wake up and grow up – she may never. In the meantime, you will be used as a target for insults and injuries. DON’T HANG AROUND FOR THAT!

I know you're afraid but you HAVE to take action anyway!!

Go see an attorney first.

You said this guy has no idea your wife is married. If that's the case than you need to EXPOSE EXPOSE!!

Show him a copy of your marriage license, go tell HR, go tell her family, go tell your family, go tell her friends.

Go back to your home and bring someone with you if you have to. Let her leave.

You said you've "saved her" twice before. Can you elaborate?

QUIT trying to play the Knight In Shining Armor coming to save her. Are you going to "save" her at YOUR expense when she's shown you she doesn't value nor respect you?

Sorry you're in this mess, but the sooner you realize as much as you hate this (and wish it wasn't happening and that it would all just go away) that it IS happening (THIS IS YOUR REALITY).

The longer you go without facing this the harder it's going to be.

You're stronger than you think you are.

You need to value yourself and enough so by standing up for yourself and not putting up with her shit!!

She wants a boyfriend than she can do so but not as YOUR wife.

I wonder how much this guy will want her if she's lied to him by not telling him she is married?

Doesn't really matter how he reacts as you need to take action for YOU!!!!

Quit being afraid and have the courage to face this.

Lean on family for support if you have to but face this and face it NOW!!!

You've got lots of good advice here, please think about it. And what I want to add is, you keep repeating that you love your wife: why would you love someone who acts like she does? You should love someone who actually deserves your love.

Bluelights,

I think one of the main reasons so many react so illogically to infidelity is simply because we never expect it.

What one needs to fully understand is that infidelity is a MAJOR trauma. For many it’s going to be the absolute worst thing you encounter in your life. There have been heated (and IMHO stoopid) threads here on SI trying to compare it to events like the loss of a child, death of a loved one or terminal disease. I say stoopid because there is really no way to rank or compare these things. What is clear though is that infidelity is serious, and it hurts, and it won’t heal by itself. Left untreated it can have even more dire and serious consequences. It is of major importance to work yourself OUT of this trauma – this situation.

I have found it beneficial to compare infidelity to some other trauma, something that might be easier for us to understand. Like a fire in your home.

If you woke up to a fire in your home you wouldn’t be running around trying to ignore the fire, wishing it wasn’t there, hoping it burn out by itself or trying to negotiate with the fire to only burn certain areas. You wouldn’t lie in your bed as the flames surrounded you trying to make a statement about how unfair this all is and how the fire shouldn’t be there.

I would hope that you reacted like most people would react:

Confirm there is a fire, phone 911, get everyone to safety, save valuables and try to extinguish the flames.

Your first call wouldn’t be to a contractor to rebuild, but to the fire-department. You wouldn’t settle for nearly all the flames to be out but demand they all go. You wouldn’t try to resume a “normal” life in the charred or burning skeleton of your home. You wouldn’t start rebuilding unless you felt assured the foundations are still strong.

That’s where you are right now friend. Your house/marriage is burning, and you are still hanging around in the flames. At some point you need to decide if you can save the house, or if you need to focus on saving yourself, your valuables and on how to rebuild a new home. Frankly – based on some extensive experience and time spent on SI – I think that no amount of water will extinguish this flame. Your house is gone…

OK – That might sound dark and dire, but there is a gleam of light…

Namely this: The SAME actions that will get you out of infidelity are the same actions that are most likely to get your wife to maybe – just maybe – see sense. Maybe…. Just maybe… Don’t want to build up any hopes but there is also an added bonus: The further you go along with these actions the less dependent are YOU on her coming back.

Your aim isn’t to get her back. Your aim is that you no longer live in infidelity. You can reach that goal by following one of two paths: if your wife ends the affair and you two reconcile you aren’t in infidelity any more. If you divorce she’s no longer your wife and you aren’t in infidelity any more.

There is a third path and honestly many people do go this path. It’s not one for me though. That’s where you decide on an open marriage or accept that you/she has lovers. Like I said; it’s not a path that I would select and if chosen it does require that you two have some agreement in place.

While she is in the affair there really isn’t a marriage. Trying to remain in a marriage is like trying to cook a meal in your burning house. Waiting for her to do something positive is like depending on the fire to die out by itself. It might happen, but it might also leave you with the charred remains of a burnt home.

Act. Start the steps suggested above. I would list them this way:

Get legal information on your rights and what to expect. Seek a fair divorce, one where you get what you are entitled to.

Start the process. Don’t’ threaten divorce or tell her you might file. Just do it.

Tell all stakeholders what’s going on. Tell them why. Be truthful.

Start the process of detaching and establishing your own life outside the marriage.

I don’t think you need to focus on being in the home. In fact, I think it can hold back your recovery being too much around her. It’s contrary to detaching. Instead ensure your rights: If she wants the home ensure you get at least half the financial assets.

I don’t think exposing at work will have any benefit at all. Neither is a supervisor of the other. He isn’t married. It’s OK to expose at work simply so others know what’s going on, but it won’t end the affair or impact her job IMHO.

Keep the momentum. Trudge step-by-step on your path out of infidelity. Keep in mind that the paths of R and D run side-by-side for some distance, but eventually fork in separate directions. If she isn’t showing any signs of remorse or ending the affair… well… you know what fork you need to take.

Ps. You can love your wife till you are blue in the face. Won’t change a single thing. If she’s determined to be with OM, then your love will never be returned.

Good morning Bluelights. How are you?

Please reread what Bigger just wrote. In fact print it out and carry it with you. Read it several times a day.

He just gave you a tremendous gift of a map to get you out of infidelity.

Beachwalker

I thought your wife was the same as mine.

When I started reading I thought I could fix this.

Oh Lord, what a pain.

bluelights, we all understand what you are going through. Please read and reread what Bigger and Chrysalis123 have been telling you.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 1:42 PM, June 28th (Friday)]

Blue - please know is she’s not leaving because of you. She is saying those mean and hurtful things to justify her choice to cheat.

In reality she is only saying that to justify to herself why she is being so nasty.

My H blamed his affair (second one) on me. I laughed in his face at one point b/c it just wasn’t true.

I hope if you at least understand that much it will help your send esteem even a tiny bit.

She would have done this to any H she had. It’s a choice. Cheating is a choice she made. Nothing to do with you - ignore what she says. She’s only saying things like that to make herself feel better by putting someone else down.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:33 AM, June 29th (Saturday)]

BLUE: I know you are looking for a way to save your marriage, and I apologize for leading you to think I could have an example of your situation where the marriage was saved. I do not. Listen to all the advice you have been given. It is sound. From our perspective, your wife does not want to R – she wants to play the field. So did mine and she did it quite well and hid everything from me for a very long time. The pain of learning the one whom you thought loved you as much as you love her isn’t true, is excruciating. I know. But like you, I had to confront my wife and stand my ground. To a point, you have done that, but where my wife took a right turn yours took a left.

IMHO, this woman isn’t looking to settle down. She wants the “high life”. She took from you all she wanted then moved on. She isn’t looking back, either. She will leave a wake of destruction in her path littered by abused and battered men. They are just disposable things to her, and you have become collateral damage in her incessant, selfish behavior. I am sorry you were fooled by her, but this kind of person is very good at fooling the people closest to them all while living a lie to your face.

I wish you would have shared with us some remorseful signs from her, so you and she could at least attempt to R like my wife and I are doing.

Picture yourself on a great cruise ship having the time of your life. Your very own wife pushes you overboard and walks away with another man. You are starting to drown in the waves and you spot SI – your life saver (or life ring). You put it on and try to swim after the cruise ship to get back to your wife, but you simply cannot swim fast enough. Swim to the island, instead, where you will find some shelter, food, and relief from the waves. You have a long way to go to get back to civilization, but this way you will be safe. Keep swimming after the cruise ship and you will eventually drown.

She clearly has no remorse.

She lied about when the affair started.

She lied about everything for more than a year.

I had my life shifted from a safe place to an inconsistent one for so many years. I never thought she would do that, but if I am right and my guts are telling me the truth, she has done it before.

Sir, I no longer post much here on SI, but you absolutely need to go nuclear on your cheating wife and her slimy & amoral AP. Scorched earth right down the line. You'll find strength, redemption, and personal power in this. Three things which IMO you desperately need right now. Out them to every single person you can think of. Families, friends, neighbors, co-workers, everything. Eliminate as many safe havens for those two as you can. Their place of employment, to include co-workers, supervisors and the HR department. File for divorce and have her served at work. Even if you live in a no-fault state, list adultery as the grounds for divorce, and name the AP as a correspondent in the divorce documents. File an alienation of affection lawsuit against the AP. Inform the management of the firm which employs her that a lawsuit will be coming their way for creating/allowing the work environment which fosters & permits this type of behavior. Much of that will never stick in court, but it will require response and it will all then be in the public record, forever. In short, destroy them even more thoroughly than they have destroyed you. In this you will re-take your manhood, and you can proceed with your life.

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 10:35 AM, June 29th (Saturday)]

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

I love this quote by Maya Angelou "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time."

Believe your wife. I'm sorry but she doesn't love you, not enough. Nobody who truly loves you would put you through this. You can get through, but take action and protect yourself. See an attorney and protect your mental health as well as your physical health. Make sure you know your financial situation.

I wish you peace but that comes with action. Do not engage with your cheater (they love this) and instead, love yourself enough to walk away.

I just want to tell you it is not your fault. I understand the pain you’re feeling! A lot of us have been there too.

Don’t live in fear. You already lost her and you cannot nice her back. I would be exposing her and the Other Man to everyone.

The sad part is you are too good for her. I hope you don’t get her back because she is a horrible person. It makes me sad that you don’t think much of yourself.

You are too good for her and I hope you start seeing that.

Nice to see LtCdrLost posting. In this situation, I totally agree.

Booyah has great advise, take action and take control of the situation.

And, as usual, Bigger's post is spot on.

Sometimes, in life, you have to take painful steps to get better. Like that needle that the dentist is about to put in your mouth... “it won’t hurt one bit, he says...”.

Right now, for you, the first step is to detach and move on.

To get to that better place, just stop communicating with her. Don’t talk to her, don’t text or email her. Proceed with the D, seek support of friends and family to heal, and, slowly, day by day, you will get better.

You will eventually meet a good woman (lot’s of them out there), and you’ll be saying to yourself... what was I thinking?

But first, you have to take that painful first step.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 5:37 AM, June 30th (Sunday)]

Bigger's analogy and post ought to be permanently posted in the healing library.

Hi,

Thank you for all your comments. Things are going worse now than on D-day, but I took action and she has shown her true, manipulative self. She says she loves me, but only to make me feel guilty. She says she wants to work things out, but she does not do a thing. She is still with the OM: At the same time, she hates me. The OM is better, the OM cannot be hurt, the OM does not make her life miserable. I have not cried like I am crying now for nothing else in my life. It is a terrible pain indeed.

I want to walk to her work and face him, tell him, but she is so vindictive now, I do not think it is worth it.

She treats me like a toy and I am too hurt to flight now, yet I have.

[This message edited by bluelights at 9:52 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

Right now you need to sleep. You are too distraught for any other advice to help. Just take NyQuil or ambien and sleep in the guest room or basement or somewhere else safe.

I do not have time now to say more, but others will be along soon.

Just get through this night!

[This message edited by Odonna at 10:23 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

Did she leave you or came back asking for forgiveness?

I'm sorry you are here and I can hear the struggle in your every post. It is painful to read so I can imagine the pain you feel. I just want to point out the above quote and how, maybe, if you change your way of thinking you can start to heal here. You need to stop thinking of the outcome that you want being your wife returns to the marriage. Stop thinking of it that specifically. The outcome that you really want, is to be happy in your life, to be in a relationship with someone that walks equally through life with you, supporting you, loving you, respecting you and as you probably said in your vows "forsaking all others".

That is the desired outcome. That could be with your wife. At this time it is not clear that she would ever agree to that but right now let's not focus on her. Just focus on you and the future life you want. If you want to have a partner in your life, don't put a face or name on her yet, just think of the attributes you want. Think of the type of relationship you want. The type of desire you want to see on both sides, etc. This is your goal.

Now think of how to get there to that goal with active steps of your own, not waiting for someone else. The first thing I think you'll see is that you need to be out of this toxic relationship. Do that and start healing. Start working on yourself and getting yourself ready to meet the woman that will fill that role for you and that you will fill that role for. If you make this your goal then you are not waiting for anyone else to deliver it for you. You are going out and getting it on your own.